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Cutting v. 2

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Fuck it. Everytime I quit drugs a cut its horrible. it gets you high on its own with all its endorphines sent to your head, yea some kids do it for attention but there is a whole nother level to it, where you get rush and stuff all the release and shit
 
I want to cut, but I can't I can't I can't I can't. I have nothing. I tried to pour myself a drink but I couldn't drink it. Idk what the fuck, if I didn't pay $3 for it I can't drink it?! Kpins are SHIT. I want tramadol NOW. But no, had my wallet stolen and I have to wait on a new credit card...and then it takes a fucking month to get here!! God I'll go crazy. I am crazy.
I need something, just don't know what. Move? Can't Sean? Needs his space Drugs? Can't get them! A gun to my head? Somedays I wonder.... I NEED SOMETHING!
 
Awww honey, hang in there okay?? You've gotten past these feelings time and again, you can do it this time too. You're a strong lady who will continue to be strong today, tomorrow and beyond <3 <3 <3
 
Pillthrill said:
I NEED SOMETHING!
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this is where a really fulfilling hobby comes in
i hav had those moments in the past so i can empathise - i had those moments the whole 6th form yr i was forced by my dad to give up owning a horse to 'concentrate on my schoolwork'

i went into self-destruct mode after my horse, lyric, was taken away in the back of someone elses float calling to me
then i upped my drug use X100
of course i did even worse at my schoolwork - im ADHD not to mention i was fried out of my mind all the time

my belief is evryone passionate needs a truly special hobby, like riding is to me
galloping on maverick, bareback, up the hill, jumping gates, with him putting in little bucks of joy, is like a drug to me
fuck tramadol wen there r feelings like that

of course ur relationship with sean is important too, as is mine with paul but as G'n'R sing 'evrybody needs some time on their own'
and if ur feeling lonely and bored wen theyre off doing their 'man thing' thats wen u find something to do that u enjoy thats not self-destructive
 
Seriously, there is nothing I like anymore. I find joy in nothing. Everything I do is just mindless TV watching or internet or work of some sort or another... There is no joy.
 
there's nothing wrong with those things. it makes a lot of people happy and content. it's a lifestyle as real as any other. maybe you should get into some soaps on tv or webcomics online. like, my mom and dad actually look forward to the tv after work. especially if you have people to watch tv with, it makes it feel better and more fulfilling. i'm sure there's some stoners in your neighborhood who'd love another couchrat to do nothing with.

tv and internet and work is my life (trying to get back into video games). it seems shallow, but that's a point of view. we're a TV generation. accept it and love it. if you stop feeling guilty/bleak about daily tv/computer consumption, then you start feeling happy or at least more positive. it's far easier to take the next step into a hobby when you're in a positive mindset. for me, the next step is playing video games with my friends again. of course, i have to find some friends first, and buyback all the games i pawned for drugs, but it's a step by step thing, y'know.
 
House, Intervention, NCIS, Top Chef....BL, Myspace....those aren't hobbies
PS I hate video games
 
I broke down. I was craving razors, needles...ANYTHING. I had nothing. So I pulled out the lighter, looks like just a few small blisters thats all. Its easier to explain than the cuts.
 
^Have you tried doing something that requires using your hands?

I find watching TV and whatnot to not be helpful when I'm anxious or craving because I just sit there and become more anxious. It might sound really lame and old lady-ish, but besides exercise I usually go to like a Michaels and find some arts and craft type stuff to do... I really love to sew but don't have a machine anymore (sold that for drugs) so I usually knit, crochet, or do some embroidery. You can do it while you're watching TV or listening to music-- if you’re REALLY good at multi tasking, while you’re reading a book. 

I also find origami to be helpful, and doing puzzles and crosswords. It’s nice because since they’re physical activities that require some brain power, so they will distract you from your urges a lot more than just reading, listening to music, or watching television which you can do pretty passively. Also, afterwards you’ll feel some sense of accomplishment because you’ve made or created something—it may not be huge but it’ll boost your self confidence a little bit anyway.

I know none of it sounds terribly exciting, but honestly give it a try before you totally disregard it. If none of them sound appealing to you, just go to a Michaels or any arts and crafts store and take a look around, there’s a million things you can do.
 
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They are some great suggestions mia!

Do any of those appeal to you PT? Doing activities like that might sound dull at first but they quickly become a lot of fun (and quite addictive!), especially for such a creative person as yourself.
 
Afterwards I got up and started cleaning. Cleaning has always helped me. But my parents get pissed if I am moving around the house early in the morning. I really don't sleep anymore, at night at least. I'm working on my to do list...
I told my bf that I wasn't feeling well and asked if he had a few kind words for me. He sent me a really sweet text but it just helped for a little bit. Its not like it would be if he was here and I won't be seeing him until the weekend...

P.S. I don't think of myself as a creative person really.
 
^well u dont know wat u enjoy until u try it - were making suggestions cos were trying to help u
i know it wud mean a lot to me if u tried wat i suggested rather than just dismissing it

that wasnt meant harshly, but im not in a gd place atm, and i find wen i push myself to do things i know will make me feel better later (like riding maverick) then generally i do feel better
and ive bn so depressed i dont even want to get out of bed lately so i do know where ur coming from
however i also know wat works for me and is likely to work for u
 
I am what they like to call "treatment resistant" and it has pissed a hell of a lot of people off here. Thats for damn sure.

Its not that I did nothing. I did get up and find my own distraction. Granted it was after the fact.
 
I'm pretty sure you're fairly creative pt :) and you would be good at any of the things I mentioned. Cleaning is good, I just think it would be more helpful for you to try and pick up more of a fun "hobby." But I guess you'll do what works for you. Good luck.
 
Last night, this guy said he wanted me and I went home with him, then he got all moody and said he wanted to be alone, so I just cut my arms up and cried because I felt so fucking rejected. Every time I feel rejected by someone I go straight into cutting mode. I can't even stop myself.
 
I pissed off sean again. I say I don't understand and he just says I know.

I just want to slashing my arm, perhaps one long cut up the arm...but the cover up, the scarring. Shit. No idea what to do.
 
Enki said:
Have any therapists suggested any viable substitutions for cutting when you feel rejection?
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No, I've never talked to any therapist about cutting. I only had one for CBT but it didn't really do much for me. I sort of don't want to stop cutting - it works so much better than anything else for calming me down.
 
PT and wingnut, hang in there!

I really wish I knew what to tell you. I used to cut for a few years when I was a teen. The only thing that I found to help was to replace the addiction of cutting with a new addiction.

When I stopped cutting, I replaced the impulses by eating a lot.. which was not a good thing... so then I lost the weight and got really into soccer. When that was over, I started smoking and drinking regularly. Once I realised I needed to keep up my grades in college, I cut a lot of that out and found my new addiction in doing school work and blogging\tv in my spare time (much like you described, PT ^)

My theory on addicts is that until you truely overcome the source of addiction, you will ALWAYS be an addict to something - this is from personal expierence and from what I've seen with friends\family. The addiction is always there, but the substance can change. I have a very addictive personality... I feel like I'm always hooked on something. I'm currently working toward doing more community service and exercizing more.. basically, finding healthy things to be addicted to LOL. That's all I can advise you to do, is to find constructive, fun things to do that are important to you and just throw yourself into them.

I'm sure you both have passions... things you really care about deep down that maybe you don't do much with now, but you have the potiential to. Animal rights? Helping the elderly? Nature? Art? I personally get a high off of making people happy so that's why I'm trying to volenteer more to make a difference in the lives of others. I don't always do it (it's easier to just stay home and watch TV, etc., other excuses) but I'm working on it.

GOOD LUCK! I hope my advice didn't sound cliche and unhelpful, I really hope you both feel better and start finding joy in life again.

PS: that guy was a loser wingnutlives!!!!
 
Not caring is my worst affliction, mind, body and other people.
I've become completely numb, cutting is kind of a reminder that I'm still human. For a while I was putting syringes in my arm, but quickly stopped.
 
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