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cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

Just want to say to all you other cutters out there, rock on and hang in there! I'm not ashamed to say that I cut myself all the time. There are lots of reasons I do it, but even if you took away every reason I have, I would still do it because by now I'm just addicted to it. It's the same thing as craving the needle to stick in my arm. No matter what drug is in it, or if there's a drug in it at all, I crave simply the needle itsself. That's how I crave self-mutilation too. People say to me, "You're such a hot guy, why do you cut yourself?" I live for it. The rush of adrenaline and dopamine it gives me. Why not? What's wrong with it? Nothing, nothing, nothing!
P.S. Marilyn Manson Rules!
 
I used to cut myself when i was younger, usually choosing to use something like liquid Hydrogen Peroxide (a 12% mix from a hair dresser) to cause the wounds to "burn" or "bubble" shut as soon as the blood started to flow properly.
To be honest I don't remember ever really knowing what i was doing and i sure as hell don't understand what made me start doing it or for that matter where the idea came from as i was quite young when i started... but i do remember still, with a feeling of comfort and contentment getting lost in the burning feeling...
Its just another part of my past i find hard to explain...
 
My experience with cutting has been rather insignificant. I probably did it a couple times a month in high school, typically when I was frustrated with myself. Sometimes I'd do it while class was in progress, sometimes I'd do it while I did my homework, sometimes I'd do it after fighting with my parents. Regardless, it is definately a coping mechanism. I found myself a few weeks ago with an x-acto blade opening up the skin along my forefinger. Why? I was frustrated.
It just .. it dissolves the frustration. I don't know why. The more I think about it, the more I don't understand the behavior. All that I know is that when everything seems fucked-up, a couple inches of open-wound will make everything feel better.
 
I *used* to do this as well, and unfortunately I now have scars to prove it. For me cutting was always intriguing cuz I not once felt ne pain while cutting with either broken glass *as dr suess had mentioned to my surprise*, or glowing hot and/or regualr razor blades. Because I was numb to the pain that I feel ne *normal* person would experience during these acts, I pretty much did it on a regular basis. When I was sad, bored,
stressed, frustrated, and especially angry I would
go off to my room n do my thing. Exactly why I chose to vent this way? I havent a clue.
Also, I have been told by my parents that when I was a baby/toddler I would bang my head against walls when I was upset. According to my parents *cuz I have no recolection* at age two I even landed myself in the hospital once from doing this. Evidently I knocked myself out cold? I spose
yoo could say that imma head banger at heart *in reference to the MUSIK case yoo didnt get that* HeH.
Okie im going to be the first one to admit this here. I guess I have no shame. But along with cutting in my adolecent years came hair pulling as well. Unlike the cutting the hair pulling ONLY surfaced out of anger. But just like the cutting I felt NO pain from it whutsoever. Once again why I did this? I still havent a clue.
I do know that In doing these things I did not wish to die. I was by no meens suicidal. I have since stopped the cutting and hair pulling since. Now I Do know the reason why I stopped. I stopped because now I can feel the pain whereas before I couldnt. *shrugs*
Just thought of something. My cutting and hair pulling ceased the minute I was introduced to drugs? Why? I havent a clue.
 
I so fucking wanna cut myself right now! Arrrhhggggg! I'm so fucking pissed off at the moment. I punched a wall but the flimsy stupid wall just caved in under my hand and did NOT satisfy me at all. I need to cut damn it! Give me something sharp! My knife just got stolen!
 
That secret shame link is a great resource.. thanks seuss (edit because I spelt seuss wrong ;) )
[ 12 December 2002: Message edited by: Mondo ]
 
I can very much relate to the topic. I had never ever contimplated "cutting" until I enrolled in the army. About 2 months later, my gf at the time decided to end our relationship because we didnt see each other anymore.
It was so painful, me sitting in the bush in the middle of no where, thinking of her and what she was doing .... then one day found a piece of glass on the ground. My skin was kinda dry then and I just lightly scratched her initials on my arm.
And through the next couple weeks, I began scratching harder until the blood came poaring out my skin. I found it completely amazing that I felt no pain whatsoever, yet I am dead afraid of needles or anything that might inflict pain. I would never dream of getting a tatoo... yet, here I was ripping my arm apart with a piece of glass and feeling no pain at all.
Luckily a couple months later I stopped doing it because I found other things to keep my mind occupied. I know that this is an extremely light form of cutting, but I can completely relate. Its definitely the power of the mind which tells the body that the emotional pain is by far worse than the physical pain could ever be... well, that was my feelings anyways.
Great topic!
 
I so want to cry when I see this. Everyone is so beautiful.. and yet cutting themselves. I understand it, but I'm on the opposite side now. I used to be into scarification (the act of causing semi to permenent scars in designs, like a tattoo), but never because I was hurting. Luckily, I've healed up. But remember that there are so many other ways to share your feelings with the world, other than harming yourselves. Sorry if I sound like I'm preaching, so maybe I should post this.
I had a friend, we were really close. He was like my brother in ways, someone I looked up to. He got alot of shit in life, I think most people do. I remember the first time I noticed it. I grabbed his arm before lunch back in ninth grade, and he nearly dropped to the floor. I asked what was wrong, but he said he bruised his arm. Later, at his house, I noticed blood on his shirt. When I saw his arm, he had carved a big PAIN in his arm. It got infected pretty bad, but once that healed he did more.
It got alot worse later in the year, till once he just kept cutting... maybe too much pain. He ended up in the hospital ICU, then the psych ward, and many other bad things. It hurt me alot to see him in soo much pain and not being able to do anything about it.
I made this really brief, so excuse me if it was a bit dodgy or scattered.
I say this alot, maybe too much. But if anyone needs someone to talk to, I'm here for ANYONE.
Love to all
 
I used to cut myself about 10-12 months a go. Used a razorblade on both of my upper arms. Still got the frigging scars to prove it!
Personally, I used to do it just because I was going through a really bad time. Wether or not I was drunk, stoned, or completely straight, I just needed to get away from the pain I was feeling inside and chose to block it out by hurting myself physically instead of mentally. My close friends helped me get through it and now, I dont feel the need to any more. I know plenty of people who still do it, for their various reasons. I try to give them all the support I can...
 
i do it... ive been hurting myself (not just cutting, fuck) since 7th grade now. thats 3 years...
what sucks is that its so hard to stop... and there's no turning back once you start. once you're "cured" you could have a bad time and remember the relief you once had from doing it, and wanting that relief again. a never ending battle...
i usually do it to punish myself for doing something wrong to someone else or to keep from killing myself. like, i want to keep living.. i want things to get better, but i cant bear it anymore.. so i cut to satisfy myself until i can drug myself to sleep or distract myself sufficiently...
 
Another thing for me. When I cut myself, it takes forever to heal because I just keep picking and picking and picking at it. Right now I have a cut that is still bloody and raw almost a month later. I love it when I can grab the end of the scab and just peal it all the way down, making the cut even deeper than it was before. I just LOVE that feeling.
 
Perhapse this counts. Once i was ripped off for coke. Whatever it was i got burned bad when i snorted it, but for reasons i cannot explain i continued taking more and more until it was all gone anyway, even though i knew it was fake. I got a bloody nose bad, and even to this day months later it still kinda hurts.
 
It is the scariest thing to feel numb. To feel like you are completely empty. You start to prove to yourself that you can feel pain. You dig the razor into your skin and pull it along your flesh. You watch the blood spring up to mark the trail that you made. And you realize that this numb feeling starts to slide away with each drop of blood that drips down your skin. You aren't feeling actual pain. It is more of a healing feeling. <---------------This is acually called endrophins. They are chemicals inside ur body that heal ur wounds. I learned this is the psyco ward. I use to cutt too. Its dumb thou, why scar your body, i regret doing it, i dont' wanna see the marks of a pain that once use to be in my life. I feel like geting a tattoo too put over it. Well my cuttings are almost like a tatto, but not essentially. Peace i'ma out
 
I've been thinking about this a lot lately...I started cutting about 18 months ago, when I was going through a really bad patch..it was really only deep scratches (I don't have a massive pain threshold), but I knew why I was doing it.
I've started doing it again in the last few weeks, and it's kind of scaring me because I don't know why and every time I cut, I cut deeper and I cut more. The other week in the space of an hour I'd cut my arm 32 times, and the whole time I was so wrapped up in dragging the razor down and in watching the patterns of blood that formed that I never realised how bad it looked till the next morning. Then I was so depressed about it that I couldn't go to work that day.
Now I'm wearing long sleeves most of the time just because it's easier than trying to explain to my friends what I'm doing to myself. I *have* spoken to my best friend about it, and he knows I'm cutting myself again, and I've begun seeing a counsellor, but it's kind of hard because I don't have anybody I can talk to who I know can relate to this from the level of someone who's done it themselves. That's why I'm glad of this thread. It helps me feel like I'm not so much of a freak I guess, so thanks. :)
...I guess if I think about why I do it, it's a control thing. There's so much pain in life sometimes that if I can inflict a bit of pain on myself it means I'm at least taking ownership of some of it. At least I'm not being hurt by some other fucker. I don't know...that's why I'm getting counselling, to help me figure it out. But thanks again, this thread is really appreciated. :)
--Raz--
 
"my girlfriend does this
it scares me
sniffle
i have drugs and she has her blades
sniffle sniffle "
Dave me and my GF used to be the same way. Weve been together for like 2 yeras, after a year i got her to stop by replacing cutting with weed and the occasional intropspective trip. Now shes frusterated cuz theres no more acid/shrooms here, but she hasnt really cut herself in a while.
Id like to hear more about people whose loved ones cut/used to cut themselves. My GF cant wear certain shirts, and i wish there was something that could make the scars go away.
Man there is nothing more mentally trying than when you get into a fight, and come back lader to a person you love all bloody and depressed. its hard.
 
I cut my the top part of my left wrist about three weeks ago. I don't say this with any pride, just stating what happened.
I did it with a knife... at first it hurt but then it felt nice, in a strange way. Made all the frustration and hate go away.
I cover up the scars with my watch.
I also cut the bottom of my feet regularly, about twice a week.
Sorry if I'm freaking anyone out, but this thread has helped alot and it's good to know I'm not the only one.
 
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