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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

Wow, guys...I really didn't know what I did was a problem. I think it started 8th grade, when I started biting my nails whenever i got anxiety. I didn't think it was a problem until i began biting the skin, making myself bleed. I bit and tore the skin on my left pointer finger so much the fingernail grows differently. I used an assortment of knives, or id take the metal part of a pencil, take the eraser out, and bite the metal so it has a point, and start tearing away. I hate when my fingers have that white skin, which are the parts that are trying to heal, and I will continue on getting rid of the skin until there is no more of that white stuff. Does anyone know what i mean? There could be little black dots of blood with tough white skin around the nails, and thats what i get rid of. I still didn't think I got bad until i started using a nail clipper...on the main skin of my fingers. See, I've been playing guitar for about 8 years, and since i have callus on all my fingers on my left hand, every month or so, it will be one random night after i take a shower, I start clipping from where the nail beings to about to where the top of the finger bends. I don't know why I do it, but it doesn't even hurt anymore. I used to do it a lot whenever I was fucking up on drugs. Oxycontin, Roxi 30s or heroin were my weapons of choice. When college started, this sort of became a ritual for me, whenever I was bored I'd do this. I'd do it to a point where I couldn't take a shower because it would burn all my fingers.

I stopped drugs cold turkey from July 05-September 05. Withdrawals were a fucking living hell, even with all the benzos I had. Once college started I started to do painkillers full time again, but I weaned myself off since i realized my abuse was taking it's toll on my bank account and school grades.

Unfortunately, about a month ago I was diagnosed with two herniated discs, degenerative disc disease, and sciatica. I now find myself with legal prescriptions to Oxycontin for my chronic pain. Even though I tend not to stay high, when I run out of my script I destroy my fingers so much I can't even play my guitar, it's terrible.

Anyways, after reading this thread I am glad I am not alone, but I also understand that what I do is not as severe as some, because there are people out there with far worse problems then I. This post wasn't to complain or to have pity, but it was just to show what I do to myself, and don't even care, and I hope there's someone out there that does exactly what I do. Thank you guys for posting the truth about yourselves. I pray for all of you.
 
Today when I cleaned out my car I found loads of waxy bandage papers.. you know, the ones that seal the bandaid. It felt awesome to just throw them out and realize how much less 'bandage' shit I force myself to deal with. :)
 
The only thing that kills the pain
When you're trying not to put speed in your veins
When you get beat up by stupid freaks
Who think 'cos you're small you must be weak
Fuckers, fuckers, fuck you all you guys
I cut myself til my emmotions die
 
I first cut when I was 10 or 11. I don't even know why. I was in gym class with a couple of friends, and there was some broken glass on the floor. We took the glass and cut our flesh with it. I still have the "X" on my arm.

Last year I cut my wrists a few times. After fights with father or my ex boyfriend. There's more than "X"'s on my body.
I put a cigarette out on my body twice.

Now I can manage to deal with stuff without cutting, but I can't promise not to do it ever again. :\
 
^^Oh yeah, the burning thing too. That's more fun than cutting sometimes. I have countless brands I've put on myself with different things. And I don't even know how many ciggarettes I've put out on myself. My left arm is all tagged to hell. Skin graffitti.

A-tweak
 
I drunken cut myself the other night, it was a pretty weak attempt and the cuts are all crooked, maybe cause i was drunk yeah. what triggered it was that i lost my cell phone that night and it just dawned on me so i broke down and without thinking got out the razor. and possibly because i had just come home from an awesome night out and depression automatically sets in
 
I've been wanting to cut my arms for the past two nights, but it's hard when I'm in a house in close proximity with 4 other people...the hardest part is that I can't explain doing it to other people without having them worry about me or thinking the worst. All I really want is to feel better. :(
 
i used 2 cut myself wen my depression and obsessive compulsive disorder were really bad and i was on mcuh more drugs than i use now, before i started taking meds
it was like i wanted 2 die, but i was too gutless and i hated myself for that so i wud slice into my arms and just kill the pain, briefly
wen i was really low it was a relief 2 hav pain sumwhere other than in my heart
 
I first started cutting myself when my 13 year old friend sort of "introduced" me to it. She asked me if I had ever been really upset or angry and scratched my wrist with a knife. I was confused yet I thought to myself hey if it works for her maybe it will for me too? After that I occassionally scratched up my arm and told other people that my cat had attacked me.

Once grade 11 started everything seemed to go wrong. My current group of friends disowned me for being interested in older guys and having my first serious boyfriend. That(now ex) boyfriend turned out to be an insensitive jerk and didn't have the decency to call me when I was sick at home with mono on Valentines day. My mother and my step dad were always fighting and threatening to leave each other which led to me worrying about moving. My biological father decided to disown me and never call or send cards or even child support. That along with my distorted self image and many other things led to my self injuring increasing ten-fold. I cut/burnt/ sctratched at least everyday. Everything seemed to be going wrong and I eventually just ended up feeling numb. This also led to me being drunk at school everyday for a month or so and I basically just cracked and ingested 24 extra strength tylenol. My new and current boyfriend urged my to go to the hospital where I stayed for 2 days and 2 nights.

After the hospital situation and seeing 5 different therapists/psychologists I still haven't stopped hurting myself. Although I don't do it as much it still happens at least every month. It's kind of good for me to know that I'm not the only one who has dealt with stuff like this for as long as I have(which I guess isn't too long) but yeah...
 
I cut myself 2 months ago for the first time. Slashed up both my wrists really bad. About 7 slashes on both. Luckily we have really shitty knives and only one went really deep. I don't know why I did it, it was like I went into a transe. It didn't hurt it actually felt good. I enjoyed watching the blood. When my boyfriend came in the house he freaked out, thought I was trying to kill myself. I kept telling him I wasn't, that I just wanted to feel. I don't think he'll ever understand. I did it again about two weeks ago but not nearly as bad. I only do it when I'm drinking, probably a good reason for me to stop.

This article is fantastic because I couldn't figure out what triggered this behaviour at 26. But now I know. I was always expected to be the perfect daughter growing up, and in my relationship now I'm pressured to be the perfect girlfriend.... skinny, beautiful, make money, take care of my man etc... Cutting was my release, my way to feel again.

Thanks for the article, it makes me feel like I'm really not a freak!
 
What does everyone think in regards to cutting being a 'learned' tool? Everyone I know or have known to cut did it after a close friend, relative or s/o had done so first. I know I only cut after I had seen/dealt with the markings on a past lover. Similiarly, I've had 3 seperate experiences where those who I'm close to cut themselves after I confided in them my 'dirty little secret'. This, I think, somewhat parallels instances of learned drug abuse problems. And, like others who have passed on potentially harmful habits, I feel *extremely* responsible for these individuals every time I see some new slashs on their bodies. I wonder if they would have discovered other coping mechanisms on their own had I not introduced them. Anyone have any comments or suggestions about this problem?
 
i would disagree...

the first time i cut was in middle school. and at the time i thought i wanted to kill myself. i barely drew any blood, but i felt a great release from it. i was rather transfixed by the blood and the sensation in my arm. i was surprised by how calming it was and how little it hurt. the next time i got upset, i tried making a little cut and felt the same release. and then it just progressed from there :\
 
I would disagree on cutting being a "learned" tool as well. I don't know anybody- friends or family who has done this. That's why it made me feel even more freakish!
 
I think it can go either way. Many people think that nobody else has suffered it, making them feel even more alienated and "messed up".

You shouldn't feel responsible for it. It is ,after all, their conscious descision. It isn't like you suggested or told them to go do it. I had someone I know start cutting after we became friends and I thought it was completely my fault but it could have been many things that triggered her to do it.
 
I know I only cut after I had seen/dealt with the markings on a past lover.

IMO cutting is a rudimentary cope mechanism for attention seekers. Sure at first it might start out purely for that reason than it progresses to bringing a sense of relief, a release. Does the original reason one cuts dissapear and attention is no longer wanted? I call bullshit on that. Deny, deny, deny, but you know deep down people use it as a way to attract attention. Why would you discuss a 'new' cut or how good such and such a knife is a cutting. Its sad that self mutilation is used in that manner but people are strange. I am sure there are cutters that cut for self-relief only, those are the ppl you never see their scars, never hear them talking about it, etc.

As for it parelleling learned behaviors concerning drug abuse, I dont think so and disagree.

I know I only cut after I had seen/dealt with the markings on a past lover.
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Sad, but unfortunetely there are sad depressed people out there that are a little out of it when it comes to self-image, confidence, and attention seeking. By no means am I singling out anybody I am speaking on broad terms. Attention is always a motive, well almost always. People of course wont admit to the fact because it makes them look well... sad and pathetic but using a negative actions such as mody mutilation or hollow suicide threats shows their core of a being that has much to learn. I am sure many will disagee with me but I dont care I just wish people would admit to the truth instead of making it a complicated issue they could grow from a simple step as such telling the truth.

Cutting is one of the most depressing acts of self-hurt other than maybe bulimia or anorexia. To each there own.
 
blahblahblahblah said:
IMO cutting is a rudimentary cope mechanism for attention seekers. Sure at first it might start out purely for that reason than it progresses to bringing a sense of relief, a release. Does the original reason one cuts dissapear and attention is no longer wanted? I call bullshit on that. Deny, deny, deny, but you know deep down people use it as a way to attract attention. Why would you discuss a 'new' cut or how good such and such a knife is a cutting. Its sad that self mutilation is used in that manner but people are strange. I am sure there are cutters that cut for self-relief only, those are the ppl you never see their scars, never hear them talking about it, etc.
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i disagree greatly. this thread is the only place i talk about cutting myself, and i do that mostly to add something useful to the discussion or share my thoughts on a particular point. my posts here are not attention seeking posts as you seem to think.

the people i have told in real life are those whom i am extremely close to and don't hide anything from. and they are surprised because they have never seen a cut/scar on me. this includes my boyfriend who seems me naked on a fairly regular basis. i keep it very hidden...
 
blahblahblahblah said:
I know I only cut after I had seen/dealt with the markings on a past lover.

IMO cutting is a rudimentary cope mechanism for attention seekers. Sure at first it might start out purely for that reason than it progresses to bringing a sense of relief, a release. Does the original reason one cuts dissapear and attention is no longer wanted? I call bullshit on that. Deny, deny, deny, but you know deep down people use it as a way to attract attention. Why would you discuss a 'new' cut or how good such and such a knife is a cutting. Its sad that self mutilation is used in that manner but people are strange. I am sure there are cutters that cut for self-relief only, those are the ppl you never see their scars, never hear them talking about it, etc.

As for it parelleling learned behaviors concerning drug abuse, I dont think so and disagree.
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ahahahhahaahha this is the most ironic post I've ever read. Since you're obviously talking to me, I'll respond to you. I only told you about my personal history involving cutting when YOU ASKED ME. I'm not ashamed that I'm a cutter and if someone (like you said you were) is curious about how I feel, I'm glad to fill them in. Stop being a pretencious snob. 8(

Anyway, in regards to it being comparable to drug abuse, I guess I can't say because *I* don't abuse drugs, just like *you* don't cut. And, neither one of us have any particular degree in social sciences. I'll stop making generalizations about something I know nothing of if you do too. At least read a book or something mang.

Oh, and 'the truth' is all about subjection. Truth to me could be something completely different to you. I would think you would consider this before making such rash statements.. or are you on something?
 
Ironic... how so please explain? You did tell me about your cutting and you said it was not to seek attention, but yet you say in this post at first it was, Truthfully I find it hard to believe its still not the case.

I would think you would consider this before making such rash statements..
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As I said it was my opinion IMO, and sorry if you think my opinion is rash even though you admit to cutting for attention. I am not allowed to make a generalization concerning a topic, when I purposely said I was speaking to nobody in particular, but if you wish to make this about yourself so be it. BTW its pretentious not pretencious. Snob, I wont even to bother to reply to that grow-up will you, everything isnt about you as I STATED.

Why does it matter if I am on something are you?

Get real.
 
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i disagree greatly. this thread is the only place i talk about cutting myself, and i do that mostly to add something useful to the discussion or share my thoughts on a particular point. my posts here are not attention seeking posts as you seem to think.
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I wasnt speaking about you I was speaking IN GENERAL, and I am not speaking about posts that seek for attention. I was mainly speaking about real life and how people often are proud of there slicing and enjoy the fuss ppl make about it, making them feel important or like somebody. Granted not every case would be what I stated but it would be pretty nonsensical to not agree that there are people out there that seek attention for cutting themselfs. That would be like saying kids in highschool, shit even college dont like the attention they get for being so 'badass' for being able to beer bong 4 beers or some crap.

Like I said I was speaking about nobody in particular. No need to think I was talking about you. Its common frikking sense people do this to seek attention, granted it might grow from there but like Amor said she originally cut to gain attention. I would figure that would be the case with many.
 
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