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cutters - you are not alone. (merged)

self harm is an addiction (and one that my best friends mam used to do, along with heroin and she said it was harder to kick than heroin) and if you have a relapse so what? we all have relapses, the main thing is youve found out how to cope with every day life without having to go for the blade all the time.


In time it will totally stop, but not that easily unfortunatly, i wish i could wake up one day and all the urges i get to do it wouldnt be there ever again - shame thats not how it works.
 
I don't want to make it sound like cutting is okay, but don't forget, everything that you've done is a part of who you are. Don't regret making yourself who you are. Focus on bettering the future, not your past mistakes. Keep your scars as a reminder of how you're always striving to better yourself, not as a burden you carry from the past.

<3 to all
 
^^ I hide my scars, but i dont hate them - well ok i do but not TOTALLY. They are a constant reminder to me of the battles ive been through and won, sure they might be there for the next few years but they're also proof that ive been to rock bottom and things only get better.

If anyone asks what the scar is on my arm (i dont cut my forearms but theres a few scars there and one big fuck off one) i just tell them it was a war inside of me that i won (of course i won it - im still here)
 
^Well, i meant the general you, but I'm glad to hear your perspective - it's a good one. I like your explanation :)

And this thread needs more happy, so:

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
:):):):):):):):):)

Love to you all. You know I'm here for all of you.
 
kittyinthedark said:
I don't want to make it sound like cutting is okay, but don't forget, everything that you've done is a part of who you are. Don't regret making yourself who you are. Focus on bettering the future, not your past mistakes. Keep your scars as a reminder of how you're always striving to better yourself, not as a burden you carry from the past.
Click to expand...

i havent cut in almost 2 years (this december)... but i am horribly embarrassed of the scars (about 1" long each, not extremely noticeable, but if you have hung around me for a while, youve seen them) on my forearm. this was the last time i cut myself and the locaqtion has stopped me from cutting ever again. i stare at these scars multiple times a day. they stand as a reminder of how i used cut myself, plain and simply... and that to me is a burden. it is embarrassing, shameful to a degree, and one of the things that i hate about myself more than anything. i feel so stupid for ever having done it 8(


no one brings it up around me... so im lucky that they are that considerate though. i have a tattoo on my chest that says "think" ... starin at that in the mirror everyday helps me more than id like to admit. but during the summer, explaining a personal tattoo like that isnt any easier than scar on your arms.

boy ive come up with some creative lies :\
 
^But why do you feel the need to lie about it? It may not be the nicest story to tell, but I've found that honesty works the best. Most people are really just kind of curious rather than judgmental. I'm very upfront about my mental disorders - it's much easier to handle things when I do go a little nuts then... Don't be ashamed of yourself, you owe it to yourself not to be. You've already been through enough, so why struggle even more?
 
Usually it doesn't even result in teasing, just awkwardness...

I don't lie about it but I rarely come clean either... I just go "yeah, i used to do dumb stuff" and try to change the subject. only problem is when it's not "used to do..."


I'm not ashamed or embarassed, either, just pissed... I'm a 19 year old girl, and I can't wear a bathing suit or a miniskirt, and it's my fault. and at the rate I've been going lately, I won't ever be able to, hah.

just keep your wits about you, and remember that humor can do wonders...
 
One thing that seems to come up constantly is that people stop cutting themselves for a long period of time and then have a relapse...then they hate themselves all over again and get all wound up because they feel like they've failed.

The key to changing this is to change the way you think about your cutting. It's not a weakness or something which makes you a bad person; it's a coping mechanism. I no longer see myself as somebody who used to cut himself, I see myself as a cutter. It's the same way recovering alcoholics never refer to themselves as former alcoholics...even if you don't actually take part in the behaviour for months or years, you never change that part of your nature which turned you to that behaviour in the first place.

It seems like a paradox, but accepting this has helped massively. I've only cut myself a couple of times in the past year or so and those times were all in the same couple of weeks where I was going through a particularly bad patch. It takes so much pressure off though to be able to just accept that it happened and move on, whereas before I would have felt angry and guilty and would have repeated that behaviour for a longer time before finding a reason to stop.

In short, we're all human beings. We're all going to fuck up at some stage or another and choose the path which isn't our healthiest option. But it's a lot easier to control that self-destructive side of ourselves than it is to try and wipe it out.
 
i have never cut myself with a blade, but i used to scratch my skin, until i see i am really bleeding.
especially if i was really upset, with myself, thinking how much i hate myself for all the mistakes ive made. i would just start doing it without thinking.

i was even doing it in my sleep, i tried wearing mittens to bed (like a baby hehehe) but i took them off in my sleep so i tied them on,

i have stopped now that i have started diazepam, but occasionly i feel the urge to scratch at my skin, not because its itchy, but i want to see blood, it sounds really weird, but its like a automatic thought.
 
I do this research study where they take my blood every half hour for about 14 hrs...I love watching it shoot up the plastic tube, such large quantities. Keeps me from doing it myself, at least. Don't think using needles really counts as "cutting," but the scars are small & temporary & I'm not about to go around flaunting them.
 
Wow, I had no idea so many bluelighters cut themselves. Makes me feel less of a freak :)

I wasn't sure if I should post this since i know some of my friends read this forum, but i doubt they'll read this thread ;)

Reading through this thread made me sad as hell. I haven't cut myself in a very long time and this brought back the memories of when i used to. Luckily I only have a handfull of scares from cutting, what i used to do way to much was bitting myself. Everytime i lost it (or however you want to put it) I didn't usually have a knife around and would just bite some part of my arm. I guess it was better since it didn't permanently scare, i just had bruises and bite marks up and down my arms. I'm happy to say i haven't done that in quite some time too. I will sitll hurt myself sometimes, but usually only in a minor way.

hmm...

goodluck
 
i'm glad this thread is still up. i dont' ever come into this forum...in fact probably the last time i did, i commented in this thread. 'bout 2 years ago, i suppose...

anyways, this thread instantly came to mind this morning as i was driving to work. i've got a lot of things on my mind and i feel absolutely numb inside. i thought of this thread because i feel like i have nothing inside me anymore...can't cry, can't express any emotion but anger, and i feel the need to "let my pain out". i started thinking...i want to put my fists through glass, i want to get a tattoo on my neck, i want to pierce something - anything- just so i can feel pain..just so i can feel alive. i havent' cut myself...yet...and i'm not sure if i really will or not. just felt like sharing. :\
 
Let me start with my .02c on a generalized idea about cutters. I've heard in the past, and probably will hear in the future, that some people consider cutting to be entirely about attention. In all honesty, the first few times I cut (several years ago) I did it in hopes of my boyfriend noticing and understanding how much pain I was feeling inside. Now, however, I conceal all my wounds until they're healed. Writing is a form of release, incidentally much healthier than cutting and serves as such for me. I mean, H addicts don't get 'you're fishing for attention' comments when they cry about their WDs with good reason. Their pain is legitimate, as it is for cutters. Pain is pain regardless of the form. In the same token, help is help regardless of the format. This thread helps me get through the day and posting is just part of that release. So, if posting means I'm going to continually be cast as an attention-seeker, then that's just the way it is.

Now, onto me. ;)
I've cut once in the past couple weeks (minor incision). Before that, I cut and burned (cigs) myself for 3 days straight. I was in a very very dark place because of family problems, death of my dog, and the regret of decisions I had made under the influence. On day 4 I was in a different world. Pills and pills in hand, I wrote out my suicide note, and left my house to buy liquor and razor blades. My mother woke up and read the note. The next 20 minutes are still kind of hazey in my mind. So, I'll just tell you she intervined and sent me to the mental hospital where I 'recouperated' for a week. The hospital was hell on earth, so if anything, I'm cutting less out of fear of being thrown back in that place again.
Overall, I'd say I'm doing much better. This summer I was cutting just about every day, and now I go for weeks without as much as a pearing knife slash.
 
for me cutting puts me in a diffrent place.....a complete stop for all other mental purposes....can happen during a manic time or depressed time..and i feel like i have no control when i get the urge...like an instint to eat when starved or something.....been dealing with it for a long time...one day i hope to be strong enough to stop myself .......and great posts its very ture for me to feel quite like im the olny one with this problem.................
 
When I don't have anything at school...
I bite.
I feel like hannibal the cannibal.
And I wonder why those girls putting on makeup
Won't leave so I can hear the silence.

I meant this to be an actual post but it came out in poetry.
 
Its true for me, I was abused as a child, and I used to cut. I used to be extremely depressed, and suicidal. Luckily I was afraid, and I was smart, I knew how it would affect others. I did try to kill myself once, but luckily didnt even reach the veins. Today I am still numb, but in a different manner. Thanks to my trusty SSRI, lexapro, and a lot of self medicating, I rarely feel depression, loneliness, or sadness in general. I used to hate being alone, but now I prefer it. In the past, using made me feel a strong urge to be around people, and to be accepted. Today, I prefer to use alone. I don't really have any friends, except for people I talk to online, and of course the friends that supply me with my drugs. The only people that I am in daily contact with is my family. Love seems useless, and nothing but an obstacle in the way of true happiness. What is true happiness to me? I dont know, but the happiness i get from using is good enough. In my opinion, I think addiction is a better route than self harm, although in the long run, they are the same. The big difference to me is that suicide is something a person or noone else around them can take back. It is a permanent solution. Addiction can be cured. Either way, if i could, I wouldnt do neither, but I am in too deep now. The only thing stopping me from putting a syringe full of heroin in my arm is that I do not have access to heroin, or much of anything. I dont know anyone who uses or supplies that kind of stuff. I guess for me, I've been there and done that, so I ask myself, why feel sorrow and cut myself when I can get high and feel great? It seems kind of pointless now. Why did I ever cut, what was I trying to achieve! I know that most of it was for attention, not that I really wanted to die. Now that I use, I no longer need that attention. It has gotten to the point where its hard for me to understand why people harm themselves by cutting or whatever, instead of just having sex or using drugs, or doing something that they know will make them feel good. In the long run, I think a good way to look at it is that suicide is a very bad permanent solution to feeling miserable, and drugs are a very bad temporary solution to feeling miserable. Getting high isnt going to be fun forever.
 
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I hate myself, I havent been cutting as much, but ive just met a boy i like.

He doesnt know about my scars or my wounds - the only thing I hate is he doesnt know and what if when he finds out hes put off - i realy dont want to put him off but I can hardly fucking hide myself more than I do so.


Its times like this I wish id never took that first cut.
 
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