Raz
Bluelighter
Today I thought about you all some.
I thought about the places you hold in my life, like a game of chess that only gets played inside my head...maybe though chess isn't the game; at any rate I don't think it's the game we play. You were never my pawns and I don't want to be your queen, no matter how much you might wish that yourselves.
Words are like weapons and I know I use them too well sometimes. Like a child who plays with his father's shotgun and BANG, suddenly someone's dead. Who's dying here though, and which of us is growing? I feel like parts of me have atrophied, but I don't think those parts were very healthy anyway and I'm not sorry to see them go. I'm a better person without my self-inflicted diseases, I wonder though if you can see that.
I always strived for self-determination, and part of me is disappointed that you only gave lip service to that. I understand that your lives aren't mine and that what kills me makes you stronger...maybe it's just that I'm sick of being sick so that you can have someone to hold on to.
None of you are bad people, but none of you want to be the best you can be. None of you have any interest in being your own source of strength. None of you want to risk hurting yourselves for a while to grow, the way I did. It does get better. You do learn that taking the hard way becomes the easiest way and the only way to be true to yourself. When you stop running away from the stuff that hurts, you learn to deal with it. And it goes away. And you learn you can be happy without surrounding yourself with the drama that you people breathe out of habit now.
I'm happy now. It's selfish, but I'm happy. And I don't have any more time to give you to learn to be happy yourselves; maybe you should start doing that on your own time.
With love.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
I thought about the places you hold in my life, like a game of chess that only gets played inside my head...maybe though chess isn't the game; at any rate I don't think it's the game we play. You were never my pawns and I don't want to be your queen, no matter how much you might wish that yourselves.
Words are like weapons and I know I use them too well sometimes. Like a child who plays with his father's shotgun and BANG, suddenly someone's dead. Who's dying here though, and which of us is growing? I feel like parts of me have atrophied, but I don't think those parts were very healthy anyway and I'm not sorry to see them go. I'm a better person without my self-inflicted diseases, I wonder though if you can see that.
I always strived for self-determination, and part of me is disappointed that you only gave lip service to that. I understand that your lives aren't mine and that what kills me makes you stronger...maybe it's just that I'm sick of being sick so that you can have someone to hold on to.
None of you are bad people, but none of you want to be the best you can be. None of you have any interest in being your own source of strength. None of you want to risk hurting yourselves for a while to grow, the way I did. It does get better. You do learn that taking the hard way becomes the easiest way and the only way to be true to yourself. When you stop running away from the stuff that hurts, you learn to deal with it. And it goes away. And you learn you can be happy without surrounding yourself with the drama that you people breathe out of habit now.
I'm happy now. It's selfish, but I'm happy. And I don't have any more time to give you to learn to be happy yourselves; maybe you should start doing that on your own time.
With love.
