Crushing depression :( Is there help ANYWHERE? (might be vaguely triggering for some)

[xburtonchic]

Warning: This thread might be vaguely triggering. That is not what I'm going for at all, but I really do need help right now, and there's absolutely no getting around certain things if I'm to explain it so that it makes sense. Sorry.

Anyway I freaking hate asking for help, but I'm desperate enough right now that I don't care. I've never felt this way, ever. It's just that I realized how completely alone I really am in this world, and I'm devastated. Yeah I like to talk big like I don't need anyone, but the truth is, we all need someone. At least ONE person. Sometimes we just don't realize it until it registers that we don't have it... if that makes sense. I realized this today and it was like a truck slammed into me. I'll rewind for a minute, as I'm sure this is making zero sense to anyone except myself.

Some of you might know that I have been trying to get into detox for the last two weeks. Well, today they finally authorized it. The only problem is that the AppleCare nurse who my mom has been talking to on the phone every once in a while (but has never met) is suggesting I don't go there. Why? Because she claims it's not a detox facility. That alone should make my mom realize why she shouldn't listen to a word she says, but no. She wants to take her word over everyone else's for some insane reason. I just want to know how I managed to detox there this past May if it's not a detox facility. Hmm...

So this nurse bitch says she's set me up with an appointment at a different facility to get evaluated, but I have to wait until next week. Um... no. For one, I have spoken to the facility she went ahead and set me up with without bothering to run it by me first, and I don't like them. I've been assessed by them already, I've spoken to them on the phone numerous times, visited their facilities... I don't feel comfortable there. It feels like a really shady, unsafe environment to me. Idk I just get a bad feeling about it. You can tell they're one of those rehabs that cares more about their sales pitch than making sure their clients get clean and stay clean. Disgusting... I hate facilities like that. And for two, I don't WANT to wait until next week. I want to go to detox TODAY. That's the point. So why I can't I just go to the one I went to last time?!

Well, here is where the fucked UPdate starts. Three things all at once, actually.

1. My mom decides to fully take the bitch-nurse's side and tell me, "It's this or nothing." So I told her nothing, that I would detox on my own. She says, "That's not an option. You do that, and you're gone. Find somewhere else to live." Um... okay? I don't understand. But when I tried to explain to her why I'm not comfortable with that other facility, she straight up screamed at me and slammed the door in my face. But not before telling me that she's tired of me thinking I can call all of the shots. Yeah, you heard that right. My mom is tired of me "thinking" I'm "allowed" to call the shots IN MY OWN LIFE. If you know me, then you know that my lack of independence is one of the major things that threw me into addiction. My mom has always claimed she wants me to be in control of my life whenever I've voiced those concerns to her, but now the truth comes out. I've just been straight up told that I can't control my own life... that I'm under my mother's control, and that it will ALWAYS be her way or the highway. I can't believe someone would monopolize another person's life that way... threatening me all because I tried to make a decision for myself... I'm 23. I'll be 24 in August. And this is my life? Being forced to be a puppet for somebody else, and if I don't like it, too bad... I can either suck it up or live on the streets? When she said that to me, it was like a slap in the face a hundred times over. I just feel really lost now. And I feel horribly stuck. I feel like there is no way out, and that there will never be a way out.

2. With this information in mind, I called up some friends to ask them if I could stay at their place tonight to kick, until I could take a Suboxone. Because my mom made it VERY clear that I am NOT allowed to start going through withdrawals. If I do, I will be kicked out and have to live on the streets. I honestly don't understand her logic, I really don't. Well, I know I'm going to start kicking before I can go to that stupid appointment next week. And since I'm not allowed to step foot in the house while this is happening, I have to either be well or stabilized on Suboxone, I tried calling a bunch of my so-called close friends to see if I could crash there for tonight. Every. Single. One... said no. Some had legitimate excuses, others had NO excuse. It was clear they just didn't want to, despite me having explained the fucked up situation I've been put in. And so came the realization that, while I go out of my way to go above and beyond and do fucking everything for my "friends", they could give a shit less about me. With my mom having just shown her true colors, and my "friends" having shown theirs... it just kinda hit me, like, wow -- I really AM completely alone in the world. I have no one to turn to now, except for this website... not that I ever had anyone to turn to in the first place lol. On the few occasions I would try to talk to my "friends" about my problems, they just acted bored. As upsetting as this is, I can't say I'm surprised. I lost my trust in people a long time ago. Still, I guess a part of me was at least hoping I was wrong. But to have it confirmed while my world is falling apart around me is just too fucking much. I have no one. I might as well get used to holding myself up, because for damn sure no one in my family ever will, and no one outside of my family ever will. I'm pretty good at being my own support system though, so maybe it won't be so bad.

Fuck who am I kidding. Of course it's bad. It's fucking depressing and I'm crushed. Being alone is a horrible, shitty feeling. I wish I had at least one person, but I truly only have myself. Wow... I shouldn't be, but I'm having a bit of a hard time wrapping my head around that fact...

3. And this is the most fucked up. When I told my mom that I was going to start going into withdrawal at some point tonight or tomorrow, whether she liked it or not, and that I needed to go to the hospital that would take me NOW.. you want to know what she said? This is what she said. She said: "I just got off the phone with xx. You'll go to the appointment on Monday, and when they decide that you need to go to detox, they will send you to the one you want to go to." Um... wait. So why can't I just go now, if they're going to send me there anyway? I brought this up to her and she didn't have a good answer, she just got flustered and told me that I would do it, that I WILL listen to her, and that the subject is dropped. No, the subject was not dropped, because I'm about to start kicking and I still have no where to go. I told her this. And she said... get ready for it... "Well then I'll just give you some money to get more." No fucking shit. My MOTHER said this to me. I was speechless. I think I still am. I totally had to clarify, so I asked her juuuust to make sure, "You're saying you would rather me do drugs all weekend than go into detox tonight, just because you want to prove a point?" Guess what. "The SUBJECT is DROPPED," as she flings $40 in my face. Honestly, the knowledge that my own mother would rather me do drugs all weekend than go get clean right now, JUST because she's on a power trip and needs to prove a point, that's just more than I can bear. I can't even think about it without bursting into tears, and that's WITH having done a fat shot of dope, AND considering the fact that I NEVER cry. I seriously considered overdosing on purpose. I really did. Just to prove MY point. That point being, "You wanted me to do drugs all weekend instead of getting clean... fine, then. Here you go, Mommy Dearest... you got your wish... and here are the consequences of those actions. Bet you wished you'd listened to me over that stupid nurse now... am I right, you stupid fucking bitch?!"

Of course, killing myself to prove a point seemed like a horrible idea after I really considered it. For one, I wouldn't be around to see her be consumed with guilt and self-hatred anyway, so what's the point? And for two, some stupid and silly part of me still thinks my life might be worth something, someday. Someday in the very far off future, but still. I've always had a hard time giving up hope completely.

I'm sorry this is so tl;dr. I'm just so crushed right now, I can't put it into words. No one cares about me at all. I wish I was making all of this stuff up. It sounds unbelievable even to me. Want to know the fucked up part? This truly is my worst nightmare. Every once in a while, I'll have dreams of my mother admitting she doesn't care about me, or just doing or saying something really fucked up like this, or egging me on to commit suicide, or something. And those are ALWAYS the worst dreams. In the dreams I always feel crushing, excruciating pain. When I wake up, I always feel so relieved. But now it's transferred into real life, and there is no waking up from it. It's the worst emotional pain I've ever, ever felt. It's too much. I've never seriously considered suicide the way I have been today. I just feel like I have no one, nothing, not even myself to live for. Cause what's the point of even living for myself if I'm going to be caught in my mother's web forever? She made that very clear today. Completely stamped out any fire I had left in me for my own hopes and dreams. I'm not good enough for her unless I'm doing everything her way. And if I don't... then I get to live on the streets. The worst part about this is that whenever she kicks my brother out, she always hands him enough cash to cover one month of rent! And he is far more of a fuck-up than me. All I did was get addicted to a substance, he did that AND broke into our neighbors' houses and stole shit AND stole money from every single person in my family AND the list goes on and on. AND he's younger than me. Why does HE get to be rewarded and independent? Why does he get the luxury of being kicked out and handed free rent, but I have to go to the streets?

I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT. I don't understand any of it. Not at all. I really need help, you guys. I'm scared. Of myself, of my parents, of my future... fuck. I'm just scared of everything. And I'm so exhausted... I wish I understood what I did. Why is trying to make a GOOD decision for myself and my life such a horrible thing? I swear, you guys, this all came out of nowhere. It was all literally because I said I wanted to go to the detox that could take me TONIGHT, the one I've been to before and feel comfortable with, as opposed to having to wait another week just to go to a detox that I'm not comfortable with in the slightest. That was the plan at the time anyway, now apparantly I can go to the detox I want to go to, I just have to wait a week because my mom INSISTS I talk to this other place first. What the fuck ever. What the hell did I do wrong? I'm 24. I SHOULD be calling the shots in my life... of course I should! I should be allowed to make adult decisions without getting so severely punished. I should be allowed to kick the drugs tonight, on my own, if I want to. I SHOULD HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE OF WHETHER I WANT TO USE ALL WEEKEND OR NOT.

My mom is forcing me to take drugs all weekend... what is this...? I always knew she was fucked up and not to be trusted, but not to this extent. That's horrible. How could you ever want that for your child? Let alone force it on them. I'm not equipped to live on the streets. But I am seriously considering just driving somewhere and kicking in my car until I can take the Suboxone and stabilize myself. There is a reason I want to go to detox today and not next week. I shouldn't be forced by my own mother to keep using heroin until SHE says it's okay for me to start withdrawaling. This is too fucked up... this is unreal. I sincerely hope this is another one of those fucked up dreams. I can't handle all of this... it's too much at once, too fucking much.

I am not above begging for some sort of help at this point, even if it's just someone to talk to. Or a hotline? I don't know. I don't want to do anything to hurt myself. I feel like I do a lot of the time, but in my heart of hearts I know that I really don't want that. The question becomes whether or not I have enough self-control to remember this in my weaker moments. I don't even know how I'm still holding on after this lovely overload of fucked up information. Three smacks in the face all at once, just for good measure. Nice. Hah - sickening thought: I wouldn't be missed. Maybe no one would even notice. Surely they wouldn't care. I swear that lethal shot is starting to sound like a better and better idea... fuck everything, you know? What is the stupid freaking point...

 

[*samsonite*]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. You are an adult however, so why don't you admit yourself into the detox tonight? I'm just trying to get the whole picture before offering up an opinion or suggestions. Get back to me an Ill try and help if I can.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

the point is to get clean and get on with your life so you can get away from your mom and prove her wrong. Once your clean, doing good and well you can tell her how much she hurt you and how despite all her bad mistakes you still made it then you can make the choice to never see her again or maybe once your clean you will have less hate in your heart.

I find when I was using and addicted I had no heart, I could care less about anything... being sober and clean the thought of something bad happening to my family can bring tears to my eyes... its odd ... on drugs all I thought of was my self being sober I think of others....

So figure your in your addiction your not think like the real you, maybe its been so long you have lost the real you.. but once your clean and the herion monkey is off your back you will see everything different..

As addicts we forget how much we hurt the people around us and how frustrating it is to them how they just... don't know what to do.. you don't know what to do? Im sure she doesn't either.

Well im happy you get to detox bro, be happy your not detoxing along on the streets your detoxing with your mom and fake friends (at least you have fake friends I don't have any) your in a house you warm, you got food, you got a car, a brother (my brother been gone a year not seen him)

Just dunno your addicted so your going to see everything through that haze and (not trying to judge) I have been there my self man... but your going to get to go to a detox paid for by your insurance try to see if for the good not the bad the pain and hatred is all the drug (remember that) even if its hard to except the drugs are distorting your veiw on everything... there evil bro

much love and good luck

 

[xburtonchic]

I'm very sorry you are going through this. You are an adult however, so why don't you admit yourself into the detox tonight? I'm just trying to get the whole picture before offering up an opinion or suggestions. Get back to me an Ill try and help if I can.

Unfortunately, that option is out of the question. My mom won't even let me kick on my own at home. For some reason I can't even begin to fathom, she is absolutely adamant that I stay on drugs until my appointment. If I had gone to the detox on my own, I wouldn't have had a home to come back to.

@sickness -- I'm not complaining about going to detox? I want to go. The issue is that I've been trying to go for two weeks now, and it was finally approved, only for my mom to go back on her word and manipulate me into doing things her way... which means waiting another week. She seems to have forgotten that she *promised* me, at least once per day this past week, that if something wasn't done by Friday, she would drive me to that hospital herself. Instead she completely screws me over. I'm starting to learn that my mom's "promises" are all shit though, I'm not going to be expecting much from her at all anymore that's for sure. The other issue is that I'm going to be 24 in less than a month and I have absolutely zero control over my own life.

Like I said, my mom showed her true colors like a champ yesterday. Made it pretty clear that if I try to call the shots in my own life, I'm homeless. Apparantly, she's tired of me thinking I'm allowed to make my own decisions and has decided to put a stop to it. Doesn't matter. It's all useless anyway. There's no point in anything anymore. I have absolutely zero hope in ever getting out of here. If I had any left, yesterday killed it. And if I'm stuck here, I don't know how I'm going to be able to go back to school. That's the main thing that's pressing on me. School is my ticket to finally having some kind of independence, or at least it's a ray of hope that someday I'll be able to have my own career and my own life. I don't even have that anymore though. Anyways fuck it, it doesn't matter. I went ahead and took the money, guess I can't complain about free dope. As if I ever had a choice but to get high anyway. My dealer seems to find it amusing that my mother is forcing me to get high. I want to know how that's funny. I'd like to see his mother scream in his face that he doesn't get to make any of his own decisions anymore and then basically tell him that she doesn't give a fuck what happens to him as long as he's ruining his life HER way. See how amusing it is then. People are all fucked.

 

[*samsonite*]

If yesterday was your last shot at the detox you want then I'm really sorry I know what it is to have controlling parents and limited people to rely on. I left home with one of my only friends @ 17 and my parents would still make threats to do things to disable my vehicle and such if I wouldn't listen to them. Your choices are to either play along with what she wants and the moment you are sober LEAVE and never go back. She is unhealthy for you and probably codependent. The other choice is to stash the money she gave you, do the detox you want NOW and use the cash to stay somewhere after and have zero contact with her throughout the whole process so she cant get in your head and manipulate you. The last suggestion would be to scare the shit out of her or stand up to her and tell her what a sick fuck she is for telling u to slam a possibly. tainted bag up your arm than get the help you want. Ways you could scare her into getting what you need is by saying "Ive changed my mind. If I cant go now then I'm not detoxing, especially with you buying my dope for me. Why leave if you're going to pay for the shit up my arms." You could also FAKE an od so she takes you to the hospital and away from her. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you overuse, kill yourself, or get violent. I assure you it isn't worth it. What will be worth it is getting sober ASAP and releasing yourself from her and feelings about her. Make her carry the baggage of guilt and remorse on her own while you blossom into adulthood as a sober and complete person.

 

[xburtonchic]

I like your last suggestion samsonite.

Anyway, I've decided to just say "fuck it" and go check into the detox. I can go anytime I want, only thing stopping me is the threat of not having somewhere to live. But I've been informed that I won't have anywhere to live once I get out anyways, regardless of whether it's next week or now... so the way I see it, I have absolutely nothing to lose. All of my shit is packed and ready to go. I'm just waiting for the phone call that says my bed is ready. It's fucked up, but I feel relieved more than anything. That this nightmare of addiction is finally almost over. I'm so motivated to get sober now, JUST to prove her wrong. That I am NOT a fuck up, that I CAN be trusted to make my own decisions, and damn it I DO CALL THE SHOTS IN MY OWN FUCKING LIFE. I am tired of it, and I deserve to at least have some sort of respect in that sense.

I'm going tonight, and whatever is going to happen will happen. I'm hoping that with three days away from me, she will have time to cool off. I would never have the balls to say any of it to her face, but I'm going to call her from the facility and present her with that EXACT scenario -- of what if I had OD'ed this weekend, or seriously hurt myself because of a bad batch? And I really hope that will make her sit back and think. I'm hoping that with that very real scenario in her head, and the fact that I won't be around to "get in the way", she will maybe rethink all of this. And hopefully she'll even recognize she was wrong enough that I'll still have a place to call home when I get out of detox.

I do worry about how I will stay sober living here, with the way my mom is... but honestly, I worry about how I'd stay sober on the streets even more. It might be damned if I do and damned if I don't regardless, but I believe I will have a better chance as long as I have a roof over my head. Maybe it will give me at least enough time to figure something else out, like how I can get my own place and break away from this toxicity for a while... idk. One step at a time though. First detox, and then I will figure the rest out. I need to focus on getting sober, and then on STAYING that way.

Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry that you have the same problems as I do with your parents. It really does suck. And even more so, because people who don't have that same problem always like to say, "You're so lucky, at least they care!" And it's like... no. If you only knew, lol. Just out of curiosity, though -- how did you finally get out??

 

[*samsonite*]

I signed a lease without telling them and moved a half hour away. It got to the point where I didn't talk to them for almost 2 yrs and they realized that I finally don't give a shit about what they said or thought. Its hard and I was scraping pennies and livin on ramen for a while but the joy of living my life MY way was worth it. It was a rough battle but I won and in the end that's all that matters. You are doing the right thing. Just try to get out and stay out from under her roof. The only concern I have with what you said is that ur going to do this to prove she was wrong. I worry about you living with her after bc what if you make a mistake and think "she's right about me" and relapse? That's not something to worry about now tho. Just something to remember, whether she is right or wrong is something that should fill up or deflates HER. Let it be you who decides whether YOU are right or wrong and make changes based on your own judgements. Good luck and keep us posted

 

[RobotRipping]

you really need to get away from your mother. She will hold you down and keep putting you back into the cycle of addiction to satisfy her own need for control. Toxic relationship. This is actually a common story and i've seen it happen to people time and time again. Even people far older than you get involved in this type of terrible relationship with their parents.

Detox is only going to get you clean, it's not going to keep you clean. Is there any way you can get on social assistance of some sort? If you ever hope to get out of this mess then you need to get far away from her and start living completely independently, regardless of how scary that seems. I'd seriously advise not even talking to her for at least a year and until you are stable, do not ask her for help. This is what she is waiting for.

I come from a similar background, controlling father however. My girlfriend has the controlling crazy mother issue though. I left home and went to school and it actually made my relationship with my father bearable and now it's okay as long as i keep my boundaries. Can you go to school anywhere? get student loans? Although you are focused on detox right now, that is only the short term. Somehow figure out a way to get out and get back on your feet. You may feel alone but you are not, i've been in the same place, many others have as well. There are plenty of bl'ers who have been there and that experience we all share means you are not alone. Once you get your life together you'll find plenty of people who will actually be good friends for you, listen to you, be there when you need them and everything a friend should be. Please hold on and keep pushing, this is the worst part of your life and it will only get better from here on out.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

Like I said... it doesn't matter...

Your mad, your upset, you mom lied.... People lie it sucks...

In the end, you got drugs to hold you over until you get to go to a paid detox, you have a roof over your head, and foot in your stomach. Your a lot better off then a lot of other people out there. I say... Just man up and play nice with your mom until detox..
(Once your clean and sober awhile) and have the fog lifted again then may your choice about killing your self, or hating your mom, or running away, or moving, or whatever the hell you want to do. But until your clean and sober like I said you can't make a unbiased choice. Your under the influence and in addiction (it changes how you see things and feel things)

You'll be ok.. sorry your mom lied Like I said I was tricked once too the same way ended up going somewhere I didn't want to but it worked out for me, sure you be fine too.,