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Critique my college admissions essay!

IAmTheWalrus

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2005
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241
Though I am applying to other schools, Flagler sticks out in my mind because when I see Flagler, I see choices. I see opportunity, room to grow. I am still undecided about my intended course of study, so I was particularly impressed when I saw that Flagler offered courses in everything I love; Psychology/Sociology, Business, Education, and Spanish.

Even before I knew that subjects as complex as psychology and sociology existed, I questioned the way people act and the factors that influence their behavior. In class, I often enjoyed observing other students and how they interacted with each other, with the teacher, and with me. When it came to friends, I often found myself wanting to talk to those who seemed upset or troubled, to see if I could empathize as well as sympathize. Having an understanding of people's actions, feelings, and thoughts, not only what they are, but why they are, is and always has been very important to me. I feel that communication with others will allow me to offer more help to those that need it, and will be more meaningful for me in general.

Another way for me to help people would be through business. I grew up in a family that struggled to make ends meet, and as I got older, I realized that it was my parents' poor financial choices that had failed us. I want to know not only how to manage my money, but how to assist others in managing theirs. Because I was kept uninformed about my financial situation, I particularly want to keep others informed when it comes to theirs. Knowledge is key, it is the first step in making good decisions.

Which brings me to yet another opportunity offered at Flagler: the chance to educate and be educated. I absolutely love to learn about subjects relevant to my life and goals. I have had some amazing teachers who have awakened my desire to learn more by enlightening me about myself and the world around me. I want to do that, be it through business, psychology, or education. It is not spreading the knowledge that is so important, but spreading the desire to gain knowledge.

Despite the fact that I grew up in a family that put little focus on education and communication, I managed to develop the ability to express myself clearly and assertively to others. Now if only I wasn't limited to people who speak only English! With America's growing Hispanic population, learning Spanish is a must. Many of them are becoming citizens and therefore our neighbors, peers, and friends. I want to teach, advise, share, as well as to be taught, advised and shared with.

It is obvious that there are many things I want to do with my life. I came from a family that has given me alot of disadvantages. Because I have been given the chance to fulfill my potential, I want to do the same for others. I truly believe that Flagler College can best help me achieve this goal.
 
i know it's a little rough, but please give me any feedback you can. it will be much appreciated.
 
Overall, it is good essay


Some things to change.

"It is obvious that there are many things I want to do with my life. I came from a family that has given me alot of disadvantages."

- This just doesn't sound right. You might want to re-word it or add something.

- Also, you might want to talk a little more about the school. What is this university's motto? You might want to talk a little about that and apply it to your essay/ motivation.


Furthermore, are there any university clubs/ team sports you might want to join? If so, why? You might want to talk a little about that and apply it to your essay/ motivation.

- Also, there are few fragments in your sentence structure. So, change that.

-Moreover, use better transitional phrases in your essay to better link each body. Use words like: Moreover, Furthermore, Although... to link each body

http://writing2.richmond.edu/writing/wweb/trans1.html

Finally, do a google search for "samples for college admissions essay" to get a better idea of what others migh have written. DO NOT COPY, but get a feel for how others have approached such essays

- Again, good work. Just a little room for improvement. I enjoyed reading it :)
 
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i will come back later to give more suggestions, but are you trying to answer the question 'why do you want to be a student at flagler?' or can you write an essay on anything?
 
yeah, sorry that might have been a good idea, right?
The prompt is: Tell us something about your past experiences, present and future goals and how flagler fits into them.
I think I might have to go back and focus on that question more, i dont see enough in my answer.
were there any basic grammar mistakes?
 
in terms of grammar, there is too much use of passive voice. a few quick things:

P1 - remove semicolon. replace with colon or double hyphen

P2 - remove comma after troubled. this sentence doesn't work: "I feel that communication with others will allow me to offer help to those that need it, and will be more meaningful for me in general." chop it up or rework it.

P3 - Knowledge is key (PERIOD). It is the first step...

P4 - First sentence -- move it to end of P3.
"I want to do that, be it through business, psychology, or education." Change to something like: "I want to the same whether through business..."

ALSO, it sounds like you blaming or angry at your family too much. i gotta run. good luck.
 
I agree with the above that you seem a little too harsh on your family. It could come across as your being a young adult who doesn't value or believe in their elders. Considering most of the people admitting students might be about your parents' ages, that would be something to keep in mind.

Also, even though you're being told to tell how Flagler fits into YOUR goals, think about the whole essay in terms of what *you* can bring to the university. Your desire to be around more diversity thus becomes a commitment to valuing your fellow students, and looking to them to learn things that the college experience can provide, even beyond the classroom. You'll also contribute to this spirit of acceptance and encouragement, just as you've done in x, y, and z situations (specific examples are good).

Don't talk about being impressed by the offering of those subjects. Almost every school offers those basic subjects. Try to look at their class schedules and see if there's a particular sub-topic within those that looks interesting. Can you find anything about what a professor within those departments is researching that appeals to you? What about the # of students in those fields who report being satisfied with their career choices, or their professors. These things are often on the website as well. Does the school offer career counseling, which shows that they are concerned with the follow-through of their students? etc etc.

What makes Flagler different from others schools that you're interested in, and how can YOU fit into that to make it even better?
 
I don't think there is anything wrong with bringing up with how you were disadvantaged based on your ethnicity and or economic situation, just don't over do it and remember to mention how you were able to overcome such a disadvantage/ how you worked hard to achieve your goals.


Also, I know in some schools they ask you to show how being a member of a certain minority has effected your education. If this is one of those essays, by all means elaborate on the topic.
 
thanks for all the help guys, I made some revisions and crossed my fingers. Though I did just find out that I got a 29 on the last ACT I took, so that should help.
 
Which brings me to yet another opportunity offered at Flagler:
"Which brings me to..." is an academic cliche, try to avoid these. And do you really need the "yet" in there? I think "yet another" opporunity would be appropriate if you had listed 8 or 10 others before.

The "disadvantaged" thing is a much debated issue. If you honestly feel that you have been held back in some way that was outside of your direct control, then mention it once and be done with it. Don't dwell.

Knowledge is key
NO cliches in a college essay :)

Oh, I just read that you sent it already....good luck!
 
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