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Criticise my cover letter!

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TheInstigator

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 16, 2004
Messages
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Im applying for a position in several real estate companys and Ive made up a few small cover letters for my resume. They are all basically the same except for the bits in green which are slightly more specific to the actual company that Im applying for, so Ill just post one example and have you guys critisise that. So far there are four companys Im applying in. I will make phone calls and get the names of the people that will be reading my letters so that I can put their names at the top so it feels a little warmer and seems like I done my homework a little. I will also personally sign all of them at the bottom. I dont know if the layout will carry accross well onto the forum as Ive just cut/pasted from word but the part at the top with my address will be aligned to the right of the page and so will the 'yours truly' and 'the instigator' parts. So here it is please give me some honest feed back on anything, content, gramma, spelling, layout whatever, thanks



My address
My suburb XXXX
My number
26/07/06

Mr someone
Their address here

Dear Mr Whoever

My name is TheInstigator and I wish to apply for a sales traineeship within your company. I would be honored to work for such a well organized corporation that has over 100 years’ experience. I believe I have what it takes to go far in this field and given the chance to prove myself will no doubt surpass any and all expectations you have about me. In each and every job I have worked at I have excelled greatly beyond my peers and as such I think that I would make a very valuable asset to your team. Working for such a well structured family orientated company would bring out the best in me and my presence would do nothing short of adding to your company’s already fantastic reputation.

Feel free to arrange an interview or contact me regarding my application at any time

Thank you for your time and consideration

Yours truly



TheInstigator
 
^ I don't think you should say yours truely. Reminds me of a love letter. Regards would be more "professional" imo.
 
What I perceive to be your errors - have included markups and corrections/comments

My address
My suburb XXXX
My number

26/07/06 NB: include a space or two between your details and the date

Mr someone
Their address here

Dear Mr Whoever, NB: Don't forget the comma

My name is TheInstigator <-- you've already given them your name!and I wish to apply for a sales traineeship within your company. I would be honored to work for such a well organized corporation that has over 100 years’<-- what is that there for? experience. I believe I have what it takes to go far in this field and given the chance to prove myself will no doubt surpass any and all expectations you have about me. In each and every job I have worked at I have excelled greatly beyond my peers and as such I think that I would make a very valuable asset to your team. Working for such a well structured family orientated company would bring out the best in me and my presence would do nothing short of adding to your company’s already fantastic reputation.

Feel free to arrange an interview or contact me regarding my application at any time

Thank you for your time and consideration

Yours truly


Fuck, actually, I'm not going to correct it, I'll assist you by partially rewriting it:

I am writing to you and have attached my resume for the purpose of applying for your sales traineeship position. I recognise the wealth of experience your company has within the industry and this, coupled with my own personal interest within this field, makes the role interesting and attractive to me.

I am driven to excel and know that I would be a valuable asset to your team. One of my strengths is my ability to contribute effectively as a team member, however I am also able to work autonomously as required.

While I am driven by my own personal goals, I am also driven to meet the objectives of any company I work for. I believe I am able to align myself with the objetives of your company and will do my utmost to ensure my presence would do nothing short of adding to your company’s already fantastic reputation.

Feel free to arrange an interview or contact me regarding my application at any time.
 
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Oh and yeah, it's 'yours faithfully' if you don't know the persons name or 'yours sincerely' if you do. But ring and find out the person to address it to so make it yours sincerely.

The above isn't perfect... I've been writing it in between 24 so haven't proofread.
 
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"feel free" to arrange an interview with you? worded like that, it's like you're giving him permission to interview you. whether you tell him or not, i'm sure he knows he's free to interview you. i would definitely drop that.

is this a reply to an ad? are the skills and requirements of the job laid out anywhere? depending on how long or short (i would err on the side of brief) you could pick out a couple of key skills and requirements and explain how you have those skills or meet those requirements. alternatively, somewhere near the beginning, say something like "There is an excellent fit between your requirements and my skills and experience". Talking up softer skills is a great idea but at very least, s/he needs to know you can do the job at a fundamental level.

always check your spelling!

good luck

alasdair
 
your letter is too general. in this type of letter it's important to be as specific as possible. for example, "i have excelled greatly beyond my peers." that means nothing, really. instead, explain in detail how you've excelled, somethign like, "i had the highest daily average sales of anyone on my team." make every sentence more specific in this way, and you're all set.
 
THR! - Wow thankyou I highly appreciate that, if you lived around here I'd buy you a beer!

alasdairm - When I said feel free it was in regards to calling at any time but I can see how it can be taken both ways. I will be dropping off my resume/cover letters in person to offices around my area and if they all fall through I will be applying via ads in a different state as I want to move in about a years time. Unfortunately I have no proper skills or experience in the industry, thats why Im going for the traineeship. Its 9-12 months on the job paid training which with my current situation works out better than me doing a full time seven week course that costs $3200, I'd also need minimum seven weeks' income saved up that way because I wouldnt be working while studying.

snailman2102 - Without going into major detail I cant say much more than than that really. Its true though I have excelled beyond all my other work mates in all of my jobs and Im hoping that I'll be asked to eleborate on it in an interview.


Thanks for all the replies so far guys keep em coming!!!
 
TheInstigator said:
Unfortunately I have no proper skills or experience in the industry...
Click to expand...
that's fine - everybody has to start somewhere. you should be prepared to be able to show how experience in other areas of life (school programs, clubs, hobbies, whatever) relates...

alasdair
 
TheInstigator said:
My name is TheInstigator and I wish to apply for a sales traineeship within your company. I would be honored to work for such a well organized corporation that has over 100 years’ experience. I believe I have what it takes to go far in this field and given the chance to prove myself will no doubt surpass any and all expectations you have about me. In each and every job I have worked at I have excelled greatly beyond my peers and as such I think that I would make a very valuable asset to your team. Working for such a well structured family orientated company would bring out the best in me and my presence would do nothing short of adding to your company’s already fantastic reputation.
Click to expand...

some other people have already given you good suggestions about being specific, etc. i just have some nit-picky grammatical/word choice stuff. first of all, drop 'I am TheInstigator' and change 'I wish to apply' to 'I am applying.'

second, the company doesn't have 'experience'...i don't think this line is relevant, but if you really want to keep it in, you might say that the company has a long-standing tradition of excellence or something.

i would use the word 'excel' instead of 'go far in' and drop the 'and' in that sentence because the second half (given...i would suggest moving to the end..more below) here you have to say what attributes you have that would explain why you think you would excel in the field...(eg, sales skills are very important in the real estate industry, and as a salesperson at [insert store here] i gained valuable sales experience or i was able to sell much more [commodity] than expected.) sorry if that was a bad example, but basically you have to say what attributes you have and also give examples of when you have shown them (don't go into too much depth...maybe pick two or so attributes bc you don't want your cover letter to be too long.)

you can't really say that you excelled above your peers in every job unless it is really true in which case you should proivde specific examples that are the most pertinent to retail (probably people skills, sales skills, etc.) i think this sentence might send up red flags because it is too absolute with no concrete examples.

i would end with 'thus, if given the chance to prove myself, i am confident i will surpass any (delete and all) expectations you have for (delete about) me.' maybe that shouldn;t be your last line but toward the end.

sorry if that was complicated. it is hard to make edits using this post format. the main thing you have to remember is not to make claims (like 'my personality would fit well with your company') with no explanations and no concrete examples.

you should post your next draft. good luck!
 
I have employed a few people, and I have always preferred "please don't hesitate to" instead of "feel free to".

Similarly, "With thanks", "Best regards" or "Kind regards" sit better with me than "Yours (anything)".

Hope that helps!
 
alasdairm said:
"feel free" to arrange an interview with you? worded like that, it's like you're giving him permission to interview you. whether you tell him or not, i'm sure he knows he's free to interview you. i would definitely drop that.
Click to expand...

I LOATHE the expression "please feel free" in any form. Stay away from it at any and all costs!

Sorry anna! but I also loathe "please don't hesitate to". I prefer the plain and simple "Please contact me".

I would end by "Please contact me at [phone number] or via e-mail at [e-mail address] to arrange a personal interview at a mutually convenient time".

And I believe a more appropriate closing is "Very truly yours," but that is a matter of personal preference. It is the accepted closing in the legal profession - I've seen very few pieces of correspondence that didn't utilize it as a closing. It is appropriate in most other situations as well.

I'm editing my form cover letter as well. I'll post it once it's complete; I'm still not happy with it but that darn perfectionism is acting up again. ;)
 
"Very truly yours" is common in the legal profession?
How strange- to me it sounds much more personal than all the others that have been suggested.
But lawyers = strange, so meh :D
 
You needn't say 'I am', because your name is at the top of the letter. Also, introducing your letter with 'I wish to apply for..." is extremely generic.

I also don't like the 'Feel free to arrange' part. I prefer it when someone says something along the lines of 'I look forward to discussing my application with you at an interview and am contactable at any time.'

I removed the 'I have excelled greatly beyond my peers' bit as, even though it might be true and all employers want to employ someone who can excel, it sounds very individual and ... un-teamlike.

But good luck.
 
Hmm, I was just thinking that maybe I should remove my personal details and the date from the top as they will be on my resume anyway, well you know not the date, what do you guys think?
 
You should actually change the 'feel free to ...' part to 'I will contact you Thursday, July 27 to further discuss a meeting. You may contact me at the number provided above if you would like to arrange something sooner.'

This shows inititive on your part and lets them know you're serious (provided you call on the date that you put down).

Do not remove your details from the top, they are essential to this kind of letter. You should have your name, address, phone number, and fax number if you have one.
 
THR! - that was a ver well written letter.. i think i should hire you to write mine, cause it's not going anywhere lately! :D


as for closings, i too think of "very truly yours" to sound to friendly. I usually use regards or best regards
 
It's also a good idea, as I have already mentioned, to call the company and ask the name of the manager or recruiting officer who is handling the position. Then personally address the letter to this person - ensuring you get the spelling of their name correct (ask for the spelling if necessary).
 
^ excellent advice.

i've hired lots of people in my time. i also have a somewhat unusual first name. i've had people misspell my name on an application - they go straight in the trash.

alasdair
 
THR! said:
It's also a good idea, as I have already mentioned, to call the company and ask the name of the manager or recruiting officer who is handling the position. Then personally address the letter to this person - ensuring you get the spelling of their name correct (ask for the spelling if necessary).
Click to expand...

Very true, you should never send a letter to 'Sir or Madam' or anything like that. It makes it look like you just typed up a generic cover letter and it's not really meant solely for them.
 
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