Lost Crippling loneliness, no friends in real life

[Jabberwocky]

@jose ribas da silva Do you think that pretended friendships are better than being alone? Especially when money is involved, my impression is that many sexworkers are more or less annoyed by their customers but this aren't first hand experiences and maybe elite escorts who don't have customer after customer are different. Read that people go for 'sugar dating' because of the reason that then they are the only or one of a selected few customers. Maybe it depends, because I too thought about whether fake relations can or do grow into something more real over time as probably independent of your motives, when spending time being close with somebody repeatedly the body will release oxytocin which causes bonding behavior.

But the imagination of buying friends feels just wrong and I'd say it will leave you empty and used.

I think the answer to this question varies widely based on the individuals involved. My feeling is that a lot of sex workers don’t like their work in a general sense and are kind of trapped in that career but they still appreciate a client who is a kind and decent person and treats them respectfully. I know several whom I visit when I am high mainly for the company and even though I pay them for their time I believe - perhaps naively - that they enjoy the time we spend together. In my mind I’m not paying for sex - which often doesn’t happen anyway - but helping out another person because I have and they have not. Occasionally this has led to either of us doing the other a non-transactional favour just like normal friends, but I would never consider trying to leverage that friendship into a freebie since that is their work and should be respected as with any other kind of work. I don’t ask my accountant friend to do my taxes for free.

On the other hand I have been ripped off and taken for granted or treated like dirt by many other sex workers over the years so my philosophy about this can’t be universalised.

 

[MrsGamp]

My list of diagnosis is pretty long, starting with so-called 'adolescent disorder' at the age of 17, social anxiety, depression, which progressed into 'combined personality disorder' because they didn't know what to label exactly. Was more than a year in outpatient groups, took a longer break when I was with my ex-gf and changed therapist. Made a screening for ADD which was positive, I intended to trick to get stimulants on prescription but showed out that the questions were pretty obvious but I didn't even have to cheat, so probably I am and it's some mixed form that fits into neither the hyperactive nor the inattentive form but for sure more the latter, just with added restlessness and nervousness. Depression is reactive I'd say and unipolar, I only had one manic episode in my life and it was drug-triggered. Use certainly leads to hypomania and creates the impression of bipolar II but I hate anti-manics, they make me depressive.

Problem is that when you ever admitted to having used any drugs, even without addiction, you get labeled as an addict and separated from the non-addicts which is both frustrating and heavily complicates things as I'd have to move to an entirely new region, find new therapists and continue lying to get appropriate treatment and I hate it to go through all the failed pharms again because there is no way that I could keep up so many lies to a psychologist. I'm somewhat happy that I found a clinic which doesn't flat out refuse to prescribe anything besides antipsychotics to 'addicts', doesn't bother with drug tests and even prescribes morphine + other things together.



What really deeply frustrates or saddens me, I don't know, is the loneliness - social anxiety, low self esteem, whatever. I see that I don't share the mainstream interests and don't look like the average banker but I don't think that I am such a bad individual. I used to believe that but these few people who gave me the chance to get to know me told me different but everybody sees things different and lists other possible reasons for why people avoid me. I guess it's primarily me avoiding them because I'm too afraid of and too sensitive to refusal as well as I just don't have the energy to try over and over - alone. When I was in company things were much easier but that's exactly the point.
To spend all these days alone, without real perspective or hope, without meaningful interaction wouldn't be easy for most I'd say. And I get why they avoid loners, I made some mixed experiences with such people too but then again when apparently around 25% of the younger folks between 18-45 or so don't have a close buddy & feel bad about this, why are people usually so closed and not interested at all?


Now I have a search warrant and have been outside the country for around 2 months, lost my room because I didn't see why I should pay the moron who searched all my room and stuff to find & trash everything drug related including the things saved for emergency. So I'm basically homeless with limited money and nothing but a travel suitcase with some clothes and papers I'd love to make a fire with but need to carry around. This way I can't order any new drugs because in Europe it becomes more and more difficult to do things like receive mail without a registered/fixed address and I've already lost some things that way, and my name's on the watching list in one big neighbor country (probably. A vendor told me this after two parcels containing nothing but legal things were opened and seized.)

My only biological relative is my mother who lives in a facility for old/sick people and neither has money, nor the possibility to host me even for just a few days. The few other people I know aren't willing to do so, I already got into distance to some because of this sort of behavior even when I see that it's counterproductive in my situation and I cut contacts too early in past but it's putting me off. I'd do this for anybody I have sympathy for (and doesn't seem to steal or do stupid shit but that's almost the same) if I could, and have done so in past. People tend to rave about tolerance, openness and how important it's is to help others but they fail to do so when really needed.

Well I see, things are a bit more complicated. I wouldn't take people I don't know for example, I get the reason but it's still frustrating. There are so many people who have got much more than they need or use, and could share things without losing anything really as I'd cover my expenses etc. I was in rehab some years back, insurance covers psychiatry only for 4-6 max. 8 weeks nowadays unless you are a danger for yourself or others which involves forced medication so I won't play this as long as I have any other chance. Even worse would be to get back into my country and get arrested without money for a lawyer (it's just about a fucking false positive for legal chemicals, and unpaid health insurance bills, so don't worry I'm nobody to fear)

But that's just one thing. It adds pressure for sure, and makes life appear senseless because even if I solve these things, I am in debt of anything between 20k and 50k for fines, court costs and health insurance so I'd work for years at minimum wage before I could build anything up or even afford my drugs really.. could buy a house from all I've lost to this fucking mad health insurance company and it was just a mistake I made, to get doctor covered in the place I was living without the need to travel 2h30, no fraud or something.
I keep thinking that without money even less people are interested in dealing with me which probably is true, question is do I want to deal with this sort of people? Other question is, am I in the position to choose?

My God, you're in a big practical as well as emotional crisis, from the sound of it?
I mean not being able to get back into your country and being "basically" (I do hope not literally!) homeless.
Presumably you're US originally? The health care system there sounds brutal--the way people have to pay so much even just for basics.
I don't quite know what to suggest-I'm not really qualified to suggest anything. I've been dirt poor for years but I am sort of used to it, and luckily I am allowed to live in a flat my father owns...I guess what I mean is although I am a pauper, I don't know much about what people can do when they"re in a lot of debt.
Your Mum doesn't sound like much of a chance...any brothers or sisters? Or Aunts or Uncles even? My instinct would be to get back to your native country, if you can and if COVID permits.

 

[karrotx]

@karrotx Exactly, it's like an invisible force - together with some relevant part of myself being missing or deeply locked down. First times on deschloroket felt indeed like magic, as if all the locks would have gone and that force became usable, controllable energy. Very different from benzos or alc where you do weird shit before you get used to them. On the very first few doses I talked to strangers which weren't aware and probably also wouldn't have condoned my drug use but the reactions were excitingly positive not negative. As mentioned, I got phone numbers and one I met again, another one would have agreed if I had followed up. As this was a controllable thing I didn't chat up completely random but people who signaled before through repeated eye contact at least but I just fail to remain calm enough when sober to do anything in this direction. I'm too nervous to notice these tiny signals. But realize I'm talking about drugs again. It's a double edged thing, such experiences can make me very positive but also heavily add to frustration because life doesn't like too big of a step at once.

@FuneralFather It's something I have thought often about, how money or power would change me. As we see, it doesn't even require big amounts of them and this might be the culprit that you go through these 'protective' changes, not to give away the little you reached etc., long before you reach a stage where you could share again without risking much. Richness attracts many beggars, and many of them don't really need what they desire, and the really rich ones are very busy and usually have a bunch of guardians who will kick you out - still I'm left with feelings of wrong, not focusing on money which is just numbers but all the little things. Don't know where this 'comes' from, it wasn't really drugs because I remember that the continued war against nature saddened me already in early age. Would more say that drugs helped me to clear things up by seeing them independent from myself as far as this is possible.

I realize that this might be part of the picture too, it's not all that I am just unable to make friends, I don't 'take' just every pity either and don't know how selective this really- I have cut off people, never ghosted though, and it's a smaller minority. Usually it's just that paths cross and separate again, me not initiating contact, avoiding such situations and feeling anxious, insecure in public.


I love your description!! It's perfect! I can definitely relate with you on the feeling of being locked down inside. I know it would be a good idea to open up and maybe do some writing. I find writing in a notebook can be very therapeutic.

Dck is no joke! I have some fire right now. What ROA do you like??

That's great you got some new phone numbers and met some new people! :D I really need to get out there and make friends. Im starting to feel like I'm hard to be friends with. I think I'm going to start doing that myself. If someone locks eyes with you more then once they are at least interested in you and maybe become friends. I'm exactly like that lol! Too nervous to see the subtle hints of what's going on. For instance...I was at work and one of my coworkers likes to give me a hard time, acting like everything I do is wrong. I nearly yelled at him lol