Lost Crippling loneliness, no friends in real life

[dopamimetic]

I have heavy social anxiety and low self esteem, used low-dose dissociatives to mask both with at least more success than any other treatment attempt had by far, including pharmaceuticals and psychotherapy but of course masking these things is a double edged sword which turns against me now as I can't continue use at the moment due to some circumstances like RCs being gray area and corona-related controls etc. Lost much money and perspective because of legal percussions already.

On top of that I lost my home because the owner found out about my drug use and threatened me with police more than once, knowing that he'd fuck me up completely ... I understand him but he doesn't understand me and so in an impulse I refused to pay him what I owe him about rent so he kicked me of course. Have a messed up credit score because of fucking health insurance who decided to fuck me up.

So I don't even know where to start, even if I could make friends which I never was good in. I have no real papers so won't get a job anytime soon and of course now I'm running out of money so things are very limited.

My only contacts are online and even there isn't much as all the people seem to have got their real life, some few I had on and off went mostly away when they found RL friends or partners. When on disso I can cope much better with being alone but now I could just cry sometimes and feel restless, yet without energy and crave for social interaction as well as for dissociatives ...

In the past I neglected it to make friends because I am overly afraid of refusal and cause of bad experiences in the past which both made me enjoy the euphoria mostly for myself and chatting with online people, watching movies, listening to music etc.. I also have kind of ADD or whatever which makes me avoid crowds, I'm much better at talking one to one but these situations need to be initiated. Being a male this means that I have to do that and I'm notoriously bad, the anxiety and tension makes me look and act awkward at the beginning and who wants to get in contact with a lone, awkward freak?

 

[R3K]

If you are an awkward freak, then I must be your leader haha.
I have severe social anxiety issues, to the point that people use to just think I was a total asshole. But I was really just freaking out inside when around other people, so panicked all the time I couldn't even hold a conversation extremely sweaty palms fast hert beat, Just looking for an out to be by myself. Also didn't help my parents were the first people to abandon me, that really made me not trust people. I still deal with that to this day.
I feel for you buddy. Every friend I had throughout my life usually moved far away, or pass's on. I cant tell you it's going to get better, but. Talking to my doctor about it, got me some medication that really helps with the social anxiety. Try obtaining escitalopram it slows down all the crazy fast thoughts of anxiety. Also get a dog the best friend you could ever hope for, they love unconditionally never move away, and can help to break the ice with people.

 

[dopamimetic]

Oh I'd love to get a dog but I need to be sure that I will be able to take care of it and currently I don't see how this might work. Many apts don't accept animals at all, let alone dogs. I don't have a driving license and in public transportation it's limited and expensive. I have nobody to care for it when I go to work or school. Etc.. we had one with my ex gf and absolutely loved it.

The SSRIs unfortunately failed for me, citalopram even speeded the thinking up. Really opioids and dissos are the only thing which work and the latter the only which actually improved socialization at some occasions but they aren't available legally ... also as I wrote, even with drugs I mostly avoid to try to make new friends, people just react mostly bad to a lone, insecure male individual.

Maybe I could work a bit on my physical appearance but from experience I'd say it's not primarily that because people who would judge me for e.g. long hair or whatever are not the people I want to be friends with. Guess I lack common interests with the mainstream which doesn't make things easier, also I am afraid of people I find physically attractive or who are extroverted and surrounded by many people but exactly they would maybe be the ones that were the easiest to approach but also usually have no interest in 'awkward' people.

Currently really struggle with that I don't have a real home base, my country of origin (Switzerland) is filthy rich and expensive but doesn't care about its own people at all. The social system isn't better than in any of the neighbour countries and as I see, they have a system of health insurance which can and does ruin you out of little mistakes and it's an one way road, I will pay off for many years.

Sorry, this is kinda OT - I was lonely before but masked it for years with dissociatives which I can't continue, because of side effects but these would be manageable, it's just because of plain legal problems. Now I'm kinda left with nothing, without the aid of kratom I would need to admit myself into psych ward but was there before more than once and they just either put me on toxic antipsychotics even when I wasn't psychotic or I stabilized a bit just to be thrown out on street and they knew it. Saw they do the same with other people. One woman I accepted to stay with me because she would have to sell their body for food and drugs, became a good friend even when she had some nasty personality traits but then found a boyfriend and cut contact.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

@dopamimetic How old are you mate? The aging process is very effective at alleviating anxiety and confidence issues. Although it's tempting to believe that drugs can make things better in the short term, the long term natural decline of too many pesky brain cells works wonders...

 

[dopamimetic]

How old are you mate? The aging process is very effective at alleviating anxiety and confidence issues. Although it's tempting to believe that drugs can make things better in the short term, the long term natural decline of too many pesky brain cells works wonders...

Early 30's. I really thought that I became calmer and more confident but it was mostly the dissos. They are wicked because of both acute effects for 1-3 days and prolonged antidepressant effect for 5-7 days, making me forget that I still feel drug effects even after days of sobriety and after getting over the acute rebound.

I was really doing better when I was in outpatient clinic, where I'd see other people daily and had ability to socialize but it also made me to focus on these people which would usually go away again after they finished therapy and didn't want to deal with all the stuff anymore. Then met my ex gf and lost her again after years due to a psychotic break from some drug that wasn't what they sold it for. Since then, almost 4 years ago, I didn't manage to find a stable new life or lasting friends.

The time in-between was mainly hypomania and depression, directly depending on my disso use of when added together insane amounts. Maybe the long term glutamate upregulation 'compensates' for the ageing process, lol ... definitely have scattered thoughts and ADD-like things, don't know for sure whether they were there before, the tension, anxiety and nervousness were and I'd say my cognition, ability to process information didn't suffer but emotions, focus and drive did. I'd trade any time for the other way round.

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

Early 30's. I really thought that I became calmer and more confident but it was mostly the dissos. They are wicked because of both acute effects for 1-3 days and prolonged antidepressant effect for 5-7 days, making me forget that I still feel drug effects even after days of sobriety and after getting over the acute rebound.

I was really doing better when I was in outpatient clinic, where I'd see other people daily and had ability to socialize but it also made me to focus on these people which would usually go away again after they finished therapy and didn't want to deal with all the stuff anymore. Then met my ex gf and lost her again after years due to a psychotic break from some drug that wasn't what they sold it for. Since then, almost 4 years ago, I didn't manage to find a stable new life or lasting friends.

The time in-between was mainly hypomania and depression, directly depending on my disso use of when added together insane amounts. Maybe the long term glutamate upregulation 'compensates' for the ageing process, lol ...

If it's any consolation mate, I didn't start to feel comfortable in my own skin until I reached my 40s. Since then things have been on the up and up. By the time I reach my 80s, I'm gonna be one kickass motherfucker...

 

[MrsGamp]

Wh

Early 30's. I really thought that I became calmer and more confident but it was mostly the dissos. They are wicked because of both acute effects for 1-3 days and prolonged antidepressant effect for 5-7 days, making me forget that I still feel drug effects even after days of sobriety and after getting over the acute rebound.

I was really doing better when I was in outpatient clinic, where I'd see other people daily and had ability to socialize but it also made me to focus on these people which would usually go away again after they finished therapy and didn't want to deal with all the stuff anymore. Then met my ex gf and lost her again after years due to a psychotic break from some drug that wasn't what they sold it for. Since then, almost 4 years ago, I didn't manage to find a stable new life or lasting friends.

The time in-between was mainly hypomania and depression, directly depending on my disso use of when added together insane amounts. Maybe the long term glutamate upregulation 'compensates' for the ageing process, lol ... definitely have scattered thoughts and ADD-like things, don't know for sure whether they were there before, the tension, anxiety and nervousness were and I'd say my cognition, ability to process information didn't suffer but emotions, focus and drive did. I'd trade any time for the other way round.

what exactly are "dissociatives" in the drug department?
Pardon my ignorance...I guess I can google it!
I think FUBAR had a good point about youthfulness...in your early 30s, you're still figuring stuff out.
Ironically I thought I wasn't figuring stuff out in my early 30s, though. I thought I was on my way ... thought knew what I was doing ...and I fucked up, big time. Pride comes before a fall...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, except I am forty-fucking-seven instead of early 30s!

 

[MrsGamp]

P

Wh

what exactly are "dissociatives" in the drug department?
Pardon my ignorance...I guess I can google it!
I think FUBAR had a good point about youthfulness...in your early 30s, you're still figuring stuff out.
Ironically I thought I wasn't figuring stuff out in my early 30s, though. I thought I was on my way ... thought knew what I was doing ...and I fucked up, big time. Pride comes before a fall...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, except I am forty-fucking-seven instead of early 30s!

Ps sorry if I seem to be trivialisting your problem... I am not.
I did Google "dissociative drugs""-and was told its stuff like PCP and ketamine...is that correct? You can't trust google, really...
I have had ketamine in hospital...It was very odd and unpleasant- I kept hallucinating I was in the house I grew up in, for hours at a time.
But each to their own. I just don't like psychadelics, not even cannabis!

 

[MrsGamp]

Early 30's. I really thought that I became calmer and more confident but it was mostly the dissos. They are wicked because of both acute effects for 1-3 days and prolonged antidepressant effect for 5-7 days, making me forget that I still feel drug effects even after days of sobriety and after getting over the acute rebound.

I was really doing better when I was in outpatient clinic, where I'd see other people daily and had ability to socialize but it also made me to focus on these people which would usually go away again after they finished therapy and didn't want to deal with all the stuff anymore. Then met my ex gf and lost her again after years due to a psychotic break from some drug that wasn't what they sold it for. Since then, almost 4 years ago, I didn't manage to find a stable new life or lasting friends.

The time in-between was mainly hypomania and depression, directly depending on my disso use of when added together insane amounts. Maybe the long term glutamate upregulation 'compensates' for the ageing process, lol ... definitely have scattered thoughts and ADD-like things, don't know for sure whether they were there before, the tension, anxiety and nervousness were and I'd say my cognition, ability to process information didn't suffer but emotions, focus and drive did. I'd trade any time for the other way round.

Have you been assessed at all for either bipolar or ADD, am wondering?

 

[dopamimetic]

Have you been assessed at all for either bipolar or ADD, am wondering?

My list of diagnosis is pretty long, starting with so-called 'adolescent disorder' at the age of 17, social anxiety, depression, which progressed into 'combined personality disorder' because they didn't know what to label exactly. Was more than a year in outpatient groups, took a longer break when I was with my ex-gf and changed therapist. Made a screening for ADD which was positive, I intended to trick to get stimulants on prescription but showed out that the questions were pretty obvious but I didn't even have to cheat, so probably I am and it's some mixed form that fits into neither the hyperactive nor the inattentive form but for sure more the latter, just with added restlessness and nervousness. Depression is reactive I'd say and unipolar, I only had one manic episode in my life and it was drug-triggered. Use certainly leads to hypomania and creates the impression of bipolar II but I hate anti-manics, they make me depressive.

Problem is that when you ever admitted to having used any drugs, even without addiction, you get labeled as an addict and separated from the non-addicts which is both frustrating and heavily complicates things as I'd have to move to an entirely new region, find new therapists and continue lying to get appropriate treatment and I hate it to go through all the failed pharms again because there is no way that I could keep up so many lies to a psychologist. I'm somewhat happy that I found a clinic which doesn't flat out refuse to prescribe anything besides antipsychotics to 'addicts', doesn't bother with drug tests and even prescribes morphine + other things together.



What really deeply frustrates or saddens me, I don't know, is the loneliness - social anxiety, low self esteem, whatever. I see that I don't share the mainstream interests and don't look like the average banker but I don't think that I am such a bad individual. I used to believe that but these few people who gave me the chance to get to know me told me different but everybody sees things different and lists other possible reasons for why people avoid me. I guess it's primarily me avoiding them because I'm too afraid of and too sensitive to refusal as well as I just don't have the energy to try over and over - alone. When I was in company things were much easier but that's exactly the point.
To spend all these days alone, without real perspective or hope, without meaningful interaction wouldn't be easy for most I'd say. And I get why they avoid loners, I made some mixed experiences with such people too but then again when apparently around 25% of the younger folks between 18-45 or so don't have a close buddy & feel bad about this, why are people usually so closed and not interested at all?


Now I have a search warrant and have been outside the country for around 2 months, lost my room because I didn't see why I should pay the moron who searched all my room and stuff to find & trash everything drug related including the things saved for emergency. So I'm basically homeless with limited money and nothing but a travel suitcase with some clothes and papers I'd love to make a fire with but need to carry around. This way I can't order any new drugs because in Europe it becomes more and more difficult to do things like receive mail without a registered/fixed address and I've already lost some things that way, and my name's on the watching list in one big neighbor country (probably. A vendor told me this after two parcels containing nothing but legal things were opened and seized.)

My only biological relative is my mother who lives in a facility for old/sick people and neither has money, nor the possibility to host me even for just a few days. The few other people I know aren't willing to do so, I already got into distance to some because of this sort of behavior even when I see that it's counterproductive in my situation and I cut contacts too early in past but it's putting me off. I'd do this for anybody I have sympathy for (and doesn't seem to steal or do stupid shit but that's almost the same) if I could, and have done so in past. People tend to rave about tolerance, openness and how important it's is to help others but they fail to do so when really needed.

Well I see, things are a bit more complicated. I wouldn't take people I don't know for example, I get the reason but it's still frustrating. There are so many people who have got much more than they need or use, and could share things without losing anything really as I'd cover my expenses etc. I was in rehab some years back, insurance covers psychiatry only for 4-6 max. 8 weeks nowadays unless you are a danger for yourself or others which involves forced medication so I won't play this as long as I have any other chance. Even worse would be to get back into my country and get arrested without money for a lawyer (it's just about a fucking false positive for legal chemicals, and unpaid health insurance bills, so don't worry I'm nobody to fear)

But that's just one thing. It adds pressure for sure, and makes life appear senseless because even if I solve these things, I am in debt of anything between 20k and 50k for fines, court costs and health insurance so I'd work for years at minimum wage before I could build anything up or even afford my drugs really.. could buy a house from all I've lost to this fucking mad health insurance company and it was just a mistake I made, to get doctor covered in the place I was living without the need to travel 2h30, no fraud or something.
I keep thinking that without money even less people are interested in dealing with me which probably is true, question is do I want to deal with this sort of people? Other question is, am I in the position to choose?

 

[dopamimetic]

Ps sorry if I seem to be trivialisting your problem... I am not.
I did Google "dissociative drugs""-and was told its stuff like PCP and ketamine...is that correct? You can't trust google, really...
I have had ketamine in hospital...It was very odd and unpleasant- I kept hallucinating I was in the house I grew up in, for hours at a time.
But each to their own. I just don't like psychadelics, not even cannabis!

Don't worry, I am thankful for you reading & answering here! Know that not to have many words to tell at the moment doesn't mean to trivialise!

Yeah, dissociatives are the ketamine-style drugs, forget what you heard about PCP at first, and notice that recreational K is dosed much lower than when used as an anesthetic. This makes it entirely different, what you experienced is the full on 'K hole' which is overwhelming at first and not everybody likes it. I don't tolerate cannabis either btw. Low dosed dissociatives are, umm, maybe remotely comparable to some beers for people who they help to socialize. They affect different people differently, I don't get any hallucinations even with high doses and they can literally erase social anxiety like nothing else, not even benzodiazepines because they sedate me at the required doses.

K is even prescribed now for treatment resistant depression sometimes but this again is a different effect that lasts for days after a short trip while I need to be on an ever lower dose, so K is much too short lasting (and nobody would prescribe that for take home either). So I am left with gray area research chemicals that aren't always of good quality and supply can be cut off every day. It's difficult to import them etc..
I thought that I'll manage it without many times but again failed to just manage to order new because this involves setting up a P.O. box, acquiring a prepaid credit card etc.pp. while living in a hostel..

 

[Shady's Fox]

If you don't have any human contact or something to speak to, even a robot then slowly you will develop schizophrenia and maybe other mental illness because you can't live in your thoughts, you need something to escape. That's why I heard ''I love music but not people'', there was someone I spoke with and she told this and asked why -- and I said it's because you know what you're doing, you're your own architect.

 

[Rectify]

I feel the same way.

 

[dopamimetic]

If you don't have any human contact or something to speak to, even a robot then slowly you will develop schizophrenia and maybe other mental illness because you can't live in your thoughts, you need something to escape. That's why I heard ''I love music but not people'', there was someone I spoke with and she told this and asked why -- and I said it's because you know what you're doing, you're your own architect.

That's what I am afraid of, besides that too much time alone amplifies avoidance, anxiety and awkwardness. My mother went through this, after I moved out from home and she spent weeks or months without any meaningful interaction she developed psychotic beliefs, hypersensitivity to noise etc. I had some symptoms in the past from heavy sleep deprivation but thank God* never lost contact to reality, it was just scary and annoying to have multiple streams of thought which sometimes answer to me and sometimes talk nonsense related to my emotions.

I love animals, music too but would love to have a dog it things were different and but then I wouldn't have the problems either. It's good to have at least the internet, at the same time it is part of the problem. One of my greatest fears is being put in arrest again where you just have to sit around in your little cell without any distraction.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Man, there is no other way to heal besides try to surpass your fear and get in touch with people. There will not have a miracle to save you, and drugs are definitely not a one

 

[dopamimetic]

Man, there is no other way to heal besides try to surpass your fear and get in touch with people. There will not have a miracle to save you, and drugs are definitely not a one

I'm not completely sure about the last part. I'm not that bad at maintaining relationships, was multiple years together with my first gf and know the maybe only buddy in RL since 4 years now. Just that she's chronically out of time.. making new friends is the difficult part, finding matching individuals and overcoming the first struggle, avoidance, awkwardness etc. With this some drugs can certainly help, a good share of the contacts which lasted for a while and think all of them with girls were initiated while on mostly low doses of dissociatives. They don't really dissociate me then but I'm overly associated when sober - that is overly sensitive to stimuli, extreme emotional reactions, scattered thoughts and problems guiding focus.

They won't heal me and have the ability to worsen things when they aren't available or related to side-/long term effects, I am not sure about but chances are good that without the dissos I'd have less of these problems - depends on mood, but I also remember having had the exact same things before them and it was always the reason for use. I need to evaluate whether a mood stabilizer could help me, they are the only group of meds which I didn't max out yet and I heard good things about some of them. They can have bad side effects but that's true for drugs in general.

Problem here is to find an open minded doc where I don't have to wait for months, pay huge bills and/or go many appointments first to tell all the things again.
I've contacted the clinic where I was in treatment for years now and even once sent a prescription for methadone but they refuse to help me without a personal visit (these are usually very short because they have more demand than ressources so it could as well be done over the phone) and just told me to ask a local pharmacy where to go. I am hesitant because of bad experiences, I don't need another fruitless attempt with antipsychotics but when I tell that too directly many docs will refuse to treat me. Same when I tell them what I know or tried before, I don't know why they are so averse against educated patients, if I was a doc I'd welcome it.

 

[jose ribas da silva]

I'm not completely sure about the last part. I'm not that bad at maintaining relationships, was multiple years together with my first gf and know the maybe only buddy in RL since 4 years now. Just that she's chronically out of time.. making new friends is the difficult part, finding matching individuals and overcoming the first struggle, avoidance, awkwardness etc. With this some drugs can certainly help, a good share of the contacts which lasted for a while and think all of them with girls were initiated while on mostly low doses of dissociatives. They don't really dissociate me then but I'm overly associated when sober - that is overly sensitive to stimuli, extreme emotional reactions, scattered thoughts and problems guiding focus.

They won't heal me and have the ability to worsen things when they aren't available or related to side-/long term effects, I am not sure about but chances are good that without the dissos I'd have less of these problems - depends on mood, but I also remember having had the exact same things before them and it was always the reason for use. I need to evaluate whether a mood stabilizer could help me, they are the only group of meds which I didn't max out yet and I heard good things about some of them. They can have bad side effects but that's true for drugs in general.

Problem here is to find an open minded doc where I don't have to wait for months, pay huge bills and/or go many appointments first to tell all the things again.
I've contacted the clinic where I was in treatment for years now and even once sent a prescription for methadone but they refuse to help me without a personal visit (these are usually very short because they have more demand than ressources so it could as well be done over the phone) and just told me to ask a local pharmacy where to go. I am hesitant because of bad experiences, I don't need another fruitless attempt with antipsychotics but when I tell that too directly many docs will refuse to treat me. Same when I tell them what I know or tried before, I don't know why they are so averse against educated patients, if I was a doc I'd welcome it.

Man, you see, you're totally focused on the fact that a drug is a positive tool for you to circumvent your problem, since it optimizes your performance by decreasing your anxiety, which I can believe it is true sometimes. In this regard, you are looking for different drugs, since the old ones are no longer working, because for you is almost unimaginable to go further without the walking stick

As a consequence, you are not facing your problems, you're trying to go through them blind, drugged, why? Fear of rejection, that's your main thing, because rejection hurts. You need to train your behavior both to surpass your anxiety and to get rid of the fear of rejection, because rejection will happen to you many times until you reach an improved point in your situation

 

[jose ribas da silva]

Listen to my father, he says: when you're at night to approach women, we are speaking of the best of dozens attempts you know, which means that the average chance of success is approximately 1/10, which implies, in turn, 9 rejections.

If one is at an improved level, some of these 9 rejections turns out to be victories, but resulting only in a few kisses, not scoring. And in general women don't wanna to stay close for a long period.

Further improvement means that you're now don't want to stay with just one woman per night, you want to kiss several of them, yet not scoring

There will be a point at which one will be scoring more than one per night

Even scoring all nights, rejection is still there, strongly present, because to get lucky with one, I received 9 negatives.

 

[dopamimetic]

Sometimes it was me struggling with women wanting to stay too close for too long. I don't mean changing partners but some space is healthy. But yeah the other is maybe more common and they are wary of me being the one wanting too much.

For the moment I accepted the walking stick because I don't want to die remaining at the same position I am now. I made much progress about anxiety and fucked it up by mistakes like legal problems, dependence on doctors, money, etc. Of course, as I can only change myself but not the world, I have to accept its limits which include prohibition, so this leads to nowhere. Fact is that in many years of therapy things got better and worse at the same time, it made me more aware of myself and stuff but certainly contributed much to over-thinking. Besides these nasty occasions with impure shit I did worse things completely sober than ever during the time when I had accepted the use. It's thin ice, fully agreed, but walking sticks can lead to people walking again too.

I'm not even about girls (am I not? Dunno. This is complicated.) Maybe I am fooling myself but I'd be happy with finding a way to stop caring about loneliness and others and just do my thing. In past I was much better at this, back then the world was still a place of seemingly unlimited possibilities and I felt like at the beginning of something big. Now it feels empty and like standing on top of a trainwreck, overseeing it but unable to climb down and if I could, no way to catch another train. Know know, you shouldn't focus on the half empty but the half full glass and I know others achieved that too. Some struggle, some don't. What makes the difference? I guess it's not that the one are stronger than the other but maybe they have better 'tools' or know better how to use them. Resilence and all this stuff. There's much science about how it works, what makes people cope but - to my knowledge, please tell me if I'm wrong - much less about how to re-achieve that after you failed.

PTSD is still a heavy challenge to treat and mine had awfully long time to grow fruits. This is just a conclusion, I'm not complaining about what happened or try not to do so. Just want these feelings of emptiness, loneliness and anxious tension to go away.
8 months of abstinence from everything including pharmaceuticals and alcohol, nicotine did nothing at all. I felt guilty when I touched psychoactives again the first times and thought about whether it was worth it to throw life away for them. Then I thought about whether life was worth living the way I felt. I never really tried to kill myself but honestly I wouldn't care if I'd just never wake up again - this doesn't feel right and I wouldn't do anything in this direction as if the psychedelics lesson should be true and this here and now is not the entire reality but kind of a mission then s**cide might have completely unpredictable repercussions which might make 'me' regret it.

What if I seek psychiatric care for this? They will put me on drugs that are at least as bad as these I chose myself. It will just be another iteration of the same loop, so I don't do it.
There needs to be something else.

 

[R3K]

I cut contacts too early in past but it's putting me off. I'd do this for anybody I have sympathy for (and doesn't seem to steal or do stupid shit but that's almost the same) if I could, and have done so in past. People tend to rave about tolerance, openness and how important it's is to help others but they fail to do so when really needed.

Wow, you just totally described me to in that, I think you sound like a very good person. The saying "nice guys finish last" is unfortunately very true my friend. The only good thing that happened from my incredibly dumb LSD mishap years ago. Is, it left me with extreme empathy for others and animals. If I didn't even have a shirt on my back to give, I would go get one and give it them, and. I can't think of the right word right now. But, I couldn't even steal from someone that I hate, or a store. I just feel to guilty if the thought even enters my brain for a second. That's the word/words I was looking for! A guilty conscience, lol. I know the feeling of loneliness all too well, the only way I can deal with that is by having a job, and several solitar hobbies. Got to end it here my dog is whining for a walk, and I just can't say no to him. I hope you can find your own way of dealing with it, none deserves to feel like this.