Mental Health Could do with some help...

[MysteriousOne]

For background info a couple of months back I posted this:

Starting from the beginning: About 3 months ago I went to a rave and binged on about a gram of what I believe to be pure MDMA over the course of about 7 hours. Stupid, I know (please spare the lectures). Anyway, my last dose was at 4am and I was rolling fine until around 6am when I began seeing bugs everywhere, these were like big moth creatures. After 2 hours or so the moths turned to little worms and after another couple of hours the worms turned to houseflies. The houseflies would crawl on the wall for a bit before eventually flying off and disappearing. I knew these were not real, so I don't believe I was experiencing psychosis.

The day after I got some sleep and woke up, staring at the wall to see if the bugs were still there, which they weren't. But what I saw when I stared at the wall was one or two black dots, moving about in like a shutter effect. This didn't wear off as the days passed, so I googled something along the lines of 'dots on wall after MDMA overdose'. This is when I discovered HPPD.

I read about HPPD and suddenly began looking for the symptoms, and you guessed it, I then started seeing the symptoms. The first one I saw was the visual static, then I began looking for other things like floaters, ghosting and after images, and I started seeing it all.

I went to the docs and told them and I was prescribed olanzipine, which actually made things worse. On the olanzopine the static got thicker and I began seeing patterns on the wall. If the wall was light I would see like a yellow beehive pattern, if it was dark I would see a purple blob transform into a red star. When I came off the patterns went away and the static died down, although sometimes when I'm hungover they come back for a day or two. Can I add that the purple blob originated from when I looked at a slideshow at work and saw a negative after image of a green circle on the slide, then I began looking for it everywhere.'

I then went back to my doctors and he prescribed me some diazepam to bring my anxiety levels down which I took for 10 days. The diazepam made me less anxious but I was still looking for the visuals. I then started looking for floaters, and now I see them all the time. The thing about the floaters is that I see them whether I'm thinking about them or not, whereas the static I have to be thinking about it and look for it to see it. I've also asked a couple of my friends if they can see the static and they said they can now that I mention it, but never seen it before. The problem with me is that I can't stop thinking about it, and it's driving me insane. I've been referred for CBT for severe anxiety, and hoping to start very soon. All in hall the last 3 months has been hell for me, I wake up atleast 10 times a night and all day I have a constant feeling of dread. I don't know why the visuals cause my anxiety but they do.

My doctor thinks that my anxiety caused me to notice these symptoms and then the symptoms are causing me to worry, kind of like a vicious circle. Since that night I haven't touched any drug, apart from my prescribed ones and alcohol. I don't plan on touching anything again. I'm working out everyday, eating healthy, going to work and taking lions mane/omega 3 to try and improve my brain chemistry. I refuse to touch SSRI's as I fear it will make my symptoms worse.

I was just hoping to get some of your opinions, has anyone else been through similar to this? How did you get over it? Have I got HPPD or is it just my anxiety? If it is HPPD will it go away? I massively appreciate any help and I thank you all in advance.

So I haven't really gotten any better, I've had CBT and it hasn't even slightly helped me. The 'visual static' is on my mind all day everyday, as well as the floaters. They are the things that bother me the most. I only see the static when I think about it but the floaters are there quite a lot even when I don't. I'm at the point where I think I might not have HPPD but I can't stop thinking about the static and it's causing me so much anxiety. I don't even know why it bothers me it just does. Everyone I've asked can also see it but they just say "I don't get why it bothers you" and they just switch off from it... I wish I could do that so much!

How on earth do I stop thinking about it?

I'm also so full of regret that I've messed myself up like this and also, strangely enough, that I can't do MDMA again. I loved that drug and I feel like I've lost a massive part of my life. The regret and anxiety I'm coping with everyday is getting too much for me... I don't know what to do and I was just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and can offer me some hope?

 

[herbavore]

I still think that you can trace the way your thoughts are keeping you locked in anxiety. You say that you loved the drug so there is some mourning of a loss going on. Fair enough. But we do lose things we love and the only way to accept the change is to acknowledge that it was indeed a loss, there will be some amount of sadness but other things will come along to also give us pleasure (maybe in different forms as yet unimagined). You also say that you can't stop thinking about the static and that is the cause of the anxiety. Maybe stop trying to stop thinking about--go on a thinking binge about it and see if any new thoughts come up instead of the old anxious ones. Vow to be obsessed and then notice when you can't actually keep it up--noticing those times will teach you new strategies. The regret for how you have "messed yourself up" is only useful as a catalyst for forward movement. If you allow yourself to get stuck there, it becomes a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm really sorry this is still causing you so much pain. Everyone is different and it must be frustrating to hear others say it doesn't bother them when it obviously bothers you t a debilitating extent. Stick with the CBT and actually force yourself to practice it. It takes a long time to retrain an anxious brain.