From the kitchen, Gary looked out into the dining room and saw the two guys at the counter, faces squashed together, deeply tongue-wrestling. He made a face, looked away and shook his head.
"Fuck, man," he said, mostly to his co-worker, Mack, but to some degree just as a general verbalization of his thoughts. "I don't care if they're gay. I mean, what people do behind closed doors is their business. But why do they have to do that? Why do I have to see it?"
"See 'it'?" Mack asked. "See what? Two men tongue-wrestling? One man's beef banana pummeling another man's rectum? No one's asking you to be a voyeur, Gary. If you don't want to see it, don't watch. You're as bad as those stupid fucks behind censorship. If you don't want to see it, you know what you should do? Change the fucking channel. Turn off your goddamn television or radio. Don't be a prick and make it so no one else can hear or see it. Or say it or do it."
"Naw, that's not it, man. It's just the PDA. The public display of affection. They don't have to flaunt it. I don't want to see two guys holding hands or sucking face. I mean, what the fuck?"
"Well, I don't particularly like watching you doing tongue-tango with your two-ton girlfriend when she stops by to give you your mammoth bloated artery-clogging mother of a Scooby-sandwich for lunch, so should we legislate my taste as well?"
"Not everyone snaps back like elastic after they have kids, asshole."
"She was bound to have kids eventually, the cocktail of semen she had pumping into her back in high school. The thought of you two having sex makes me want to vomit. How could you bang your wang into that double-stuffed dumpster-cunt? I can't imagine you get any satisfaction pollinating that roast beef petaled flower. A Blue Whale could stick it in her and still have to ample elbow room and have to stir his pecker to feel anything."
"She suits me just fine, jackass. I'm not a little man."
"I was trying to tell you, I can't imagine size matters. I mean, if loose lips sink ships she just might have the Titanic in the dark dungeon belly of her putrid pussy."
"You're sick, and you're an asshole," he said. "And at least she has a pussy. You're putting her down and at the same time supporting sword fighting."
"For good reason. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality. No more than there's something wrong with heterosexuality. I'm just saying I personally find your girlfriend to be the most repulsive creature on the planet, that's all. I'm not mocking your general preference for females -- to do so would be hypocritical -- I'm just mocking your specific preference for humping that one, particular venomous ogre. And that comes from me knowing her at a level that penetrates the superficial -- not that I desire to mention, myself, your girlfriend and penetration within the same sentence."
"Well, unlike those two out there, at least I won't be going to hell for my preference."
He laughed. "You're an idiot."
"Fuck you. Read your bible, man. You do have a Bible, don't you?"
"Oh yeah," he said. "I keep it on my bookcase right beside the rest of the science fiction anthologies."
He shook his head. "Read about Sodom and Gomorrah."
"As just one more example of your god's infinite display of hypocrisy?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, aside from being a homicidal maniac, your god happens to be what we traditionally define as a pervert. You believe in that whole trinity concept, right? The three gods are one god thing?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, he fucked Mary, who was married to Joseph, and so sex was certainly enacted without marriage, and with another man's wife. She had his son, named Jesus, who was also himself -- it's part of that whole Trinity thing, remember? Also take into account that all human beings are said to be the children of god, and so in having sex with Mary, he technically fucked his daughter. Since his daughter gave birth to him, his daughter's also his mother, so he's also technically a mother-fucker, even though he fucked her before she became his mother when he impregnated her with himself."
"My head hurts."
"I mean, can you even count how many of his own rules he's broken through what I've just described? He coveted another man's wife, he fucked another man's wife, he had sex outside of marriage, he fucked his own daughter, his own mother, and he is his own son and his own father. It's like some cosmic scale redneck family. And then he damns his angel-people for doing hanky-panky with earth women? What a hypocrite."
"He didn't fuck Mary."
"Weak comeback. And I don't believe it. If she was pregnant, there had to be sex, artificial insemination, something. And why would some all-powerful deity work around using his dick?"
"He doesn't have a dick."
"Why do you refer to him as a he, then? And we were supposedly made in his image, right? And man was supposedly made first, so man was made in the image of him, so he has a dick as we have dicks, and if he had a dick then why the hell wouldn't he use it on Mary? Why use a cosmic card-trick?"
He shook his head, looked away, looked down. "Dude," he said, "whatever."
"And think about it," he said. "The Old Testament god was a maniac, but then everything seemed to lighten up and quiet down in the New Testament. That convinces me. All that silly god needed was to get laid, you know? Then he stopped drowning people, evaporating cities and leaving a trail of blood and destruction behind him. It's all about the power of the pussy."
"Fuck," Gary said, lifting his head, his face contorting as he shook his head back and fourth, sighing. "I mean, fuck. Damn you, Mack. You... you might just have something there."
"Fuck, man," he said, mostly to his co-worker, Mack, but to some degree just as a general verbalization of his thoughts. "I don't care if they're gay. I mean, what people do behind closed doors is their business. But why do they have to do that? Why do I have to see it?"
"See 'it'?" Mack asked. "See what? Two men tongue-wrestling? One man's beef banana pummeling another man's rectum? No one's asking you to be a voyeur, Gary. If you don't want to see it, don't watch. You're as bad as those stupid fucks behind censorship. If you don't want to see it, you know what you should do? Change the fucking channel. Turn off your goddamn television or radio. Don't be a prick and make it so no one else can hear or see it. Or say it or do it."
"Naw, that's not it, man. It's just the PDA. The public display of affection. They don't have to flaunt it. I don't want to see two guys holding hands or sucking face. I mean, what the fuck?"
"Well, I don't particularly like watching you doing tongue-tango with your two-ton girlfriend when she stops by to give you your mammoth bloated artery-clogging mother of a Scooby-sandwich for lunch, so should we legislate my taste as well?"
"Not everyone snaps back like elastic after they have kids, asshole."
"She was bound to have kids eventually, the cocktail of semen she had pumping into her back in high school. The thought of you two having sex makes me want to vomit. How could you bang your wang into that double-stuffed dumpster-cunt? I can't imagine you get any satisfaction pollinating that roast beef petaled flower. A Blue Whale could stick it in her and still have to ample elbow room and have to stir his pecker to feel anything."
"She suits me just fine, jackass. I'm not a little man."
"I was trying to tell you, I can't imagine size matters. I mean, if loose lips sink ships she just might have the Titanic in the dark dungeon belly of her putrid pussy."
"You're sick, and you're an asshole," he said. "And at least she has a pussy. You're putting her down and at the same time supporting sword fighting."
"For good reason. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality. No more than there's something wrong with heterosexuality. I'm just saying I personally find your girlfriend to be the most repulsive creature on the planet, that's all. I'm not mocking your general preference for females -- to do so would be hypocritical -- I'm just mocking your specific preference for humping that one, particular venomous ogre. And that comes from me knowing her at a level that penetrates the superficial -- not that I desire to mention, myself, your girlfriend and penetration within the same sentence."
"Well, unlike those two out there, at least I won't be going to hell for my preference."
He laughed. "You're an idiot."
"Fuck you. Read your bible, man. You do have a Bible, don't you?"
"Oh yeah," he said. "I keep it on my bookcase right beside the rest of the science fiction anthologies."
He shook his head. "Read about Sodom and Gomorrah."
"As just one more example of your god's infinite display of hypocrisy?"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, aside from being a homicidal maniac, your god happens to be what we traditionally define as a pervert. You believe in that whole trinity concept, right? The three gods are one god thing?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, he fucked Mary, who was married to Joseph, and so sex was certainly enacted without marriage, and with another man's wife. She had his son, named Jesus, who was also himself -- it's part of that whole Trinity thing, remember? Also take into account that all human beings are said to be the children of god, and so in having sex with Mary, he technically fucked his daughter. Since his daughter gave birth to him, his daughter's also his mother, so he's also technically a mother-fucker, even though he fucked her before she became his mother when he impregnated her with himself."
"My head hurts."
"I mean, can you even count how many of his own rules he's broken through what I've just described? He coveted another man's wife, he fucked another man's wife, he had sex outside of marriage, he fucked his own daughter, his own mother, and he is his own son and his own father. It's like some cosmic scale redneck family. And then he damns his angel-people for doing hanky-panky with earth women? What a hypocrite."
"He didn't fuck Mary."
"Weak comeback. And I don't believe it. If she was pregnant, there had to be sex, artificial insemination, something. And why would some all-powerful deity work around using his dick?"
"He doesn't have a dick."
"Why do you refer to him as a he, then? And we were supposedly made in his image, right? And man was supposedly made first, so man was made in the image of him, so he has a dick as we have dicks, and if he had a dick then why the hell wouldn't he use it on Mary? Why use a cosmic card-trick?"
He shook his head, looked away, looked down. "Dude," he said, "whatever."
"And think about it," he said. "The Old Testament god was a maniac, but then everything seemed to lighten up and quiet down in the New Testament. That convinces me. All that silly god needed was to get laid, you know? Then he stopped drowning people, evaporating cities and leaving a trail of blood and destruction behind him. It's all about the power of the pussy."
"Fuck," Gary said, lifting his head, his face contorting as he shook his head back and fourth, sighing. "I mean, fuck. Damn you, Mack. You... you might just have something there."
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