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Coping with homelessness without a family.

Thou

Thou

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 10, 2007
Messages
10,856
Location
One of the Americas.
Okay.

I've been staying with my alcoholic mother on and off for a few years. She has insane rage issues and spends FAR beyond her means, and a propensity to blame me for every one of her problems. She grew up in a loveless household and then married a man she didn't love having two children in order to 'make' someone to love if you will, she admitted this to me a few years back. Selfish I know, but I'm not harping on that.

I had been working at a tolerable job making good money and giving her 80 percent of my pay checks for the past 2.5 months. Two weeks ago it came to a boiling point and she woke me up out of a nightmare screaming at me waving my check in her hand that had just come in the mail. I'm a pretty passive person and try to take the high road in situations like this dealing with the pain in other healthier ways, but this time I just snapped. I said everything on my mind, she grabbed my arms and slapped me. That was it. I packed my shit and spent a week sleeping on the street leaving most of my possessions with a friend.

I had my bike/backpack/medicine stolen while sleeping, I ended up in the psych ward after overexerting myself biking and walking all night/day to keep warm, and merely used it for a place to stay.

She picked me up last friday and apparently found the police report I had made out in which I specifically told the heat NOT TO BOTHER HER.

She drinks 12-16 expensive beers a day and I've been sober like a month or something and she told me I needed to find a rehab WITH NO INSURANCE and NO DRUG PROBLEM. I explained to her that no detox is going to take a sober person, especially one without insurance. Oh yeah, I have to apply for medicaid but my last paycheck is stuck 40 minutes drive away and I've no money to take the bus to get it, nor a license to use to apply since she wrote out a bad check for 12 dollars to get it replaced 2 months ago and they suspended it in lieu of a pending 70 dollar charge. The license was in my bag when it was stolen, but I still have my birth certificate and SS card etc. The bank I go to can still cash it if I find a way to get my check, which I have to.

I've decided on trying a shelter in a town east of here, it's a pretty ritzy area so I don't really feel worried. I'm more concerned about what to do after that. I have a good resume, references, the ability and drive to work, and aside from all that crap that's happened it was one of the more exciting and prolific weeks of my life. I just hung out most days and ended up getting free tattoos quite often. If my shit didn't get stolen I'd probably still be out there.

I have no immediate family that I either a) trust b) care about or c) would even take me in for a single night. I live in NY and it's very expensive, but like I said I'm optimistic just really stuck on what moves to make at this point. I'm waiting for some mail here since I lost my p.o. box key and don't have 37 dollars to get another, or a license to get my mail at the desk.

Anyone been in any kind of similar situation? I'm not really feeling any kind of emotional ills as I divorced myself from loving these people along time ago, it was merely an obligatory act on her part to insist I live with her - just as it was obligatory that I give her something like 1200 dollars so she can pay her stupid rent which is FAR beyond her means and she refuses to accept. This is why I have no savings.

Any ideas are appreciated and I hope everyone here at the dark side is on their way up this stupid holiday season. I know how shit things can be especially this time of year. If it were warm out I'd be sleeping on the beach all night and biking to work. Did I mention this business cost me my job? No great lost they're a dime a dozen, but still. I have about 350 dollars to my name assuming I find a way to get this check. :\
 
shit man really sorry to hear about your situation, that is awful. You have to set strict boundaries with your mother if you are ever going to have a relationship of any kind with her. I would not have given her 80% of my cheque that is ridiculous. You could have saved up and got yourself a place. How she could do that to you i don't know but i'm sorry it happened.

Try a shelter, get a job, get some money, get a place and stay away from your family for a long while. I hope the best for you man, i've read a lot of your posts. You can make it.
 
Thanks man, it's appreciated. I've got most everything figured out and don't EVER intend to have a relationship with her. It's caused me nothing but heartache and has contributed quite a bit to my lack of function and PTSD so out of a survivalist need it's imperative that I cut contact.

Just have to do a lot of thinking about some strategic moves to make. Never was a great chess player - but the stakes were never of reverence.

Oddly I feel more ambitious and hopeful than ever, maybe jumping off the hamster wheel these past 2 weeks has ignited an interesting spark up my ass. I've been writing like never before. Just a little weary about staying in a shelter as I've never done it before. Hopefully there will be a spot open it's in a fairly upper class area and I'm a responsible and kind person without drug problems and am only temporarily homeless. Think I'm in a good spot as far as the gameboard is concerned. Haven't even had to bring out my queen yet. ;)

Thanks.
 
jw where at in ny you are? Feel free to pm if you don't wanna post it .

Also you know very well you cannot go back there to say the least . Going back is putting your sobriety and life on the line.
 
good stuff; i love your writing and style. The shelter is a temporary thing to get you through and you won't even think about it when you're doing well in life in the future (near future perhaps).

I was watching intervention last night and the mother was an alcoholic monster who said terrible things to her daughter. The interventionist recommended the daughter to have compassion for the mother in order to heal the daughter's wounds. I thought that made sense but i also see a point where you have to say 'fuck you, go die alone, you've done enough damage'. I often have dreams of beating the living shit out of my dad for these reasons but i keep things civil these days.

the strategic part will fall into place; it's really simple once you think about it. You get a job (you have good credentials and can write so you'll be fine there), then you get money, then you get a nice place, find someone to make you happy and write your ass off and enjoy life. Doesn't sound so bad does it?
 
I have a lot of compassion for everyone. Since I started practicing zen I no longer feel regret, shame, pride, anger, etc especially when it concerns people. The transient nature of life leads only to behavior, so even if I do judge I judge the action and not the person, then move on.

It's a wonderful way of viewing the world so there's no hard feelings. I could have done all sorts of spiteful things and if this were ten years ago I certainly would have, but seeing things outside the box makes that kind of petty action and begrudging behavior not worthy of effort. I need to save my strength for positive things.

No it doesn't certainly I must agree, and I pretty much am aware of all the things you're saying just kind of second guessing my steps to be sure I make the right move.

This all comes as complete shock to me since I've gone from 4mg a day of klonopin to just about .25 - .5 mg once a day skipping days here and there. So there are certainly hopeful signs it's just nice not to feel so alone.

My in-person friends have a tendency to be selfishly concerned with my state of affairs. They offer no solutions or help (not that I would impose), but are righteously telling me how I NEED TO FIND A PLACE and FORGET YOUR PRIDE GO BACK TO YOUR MOM when I've clearly outlined the situation as I've done here. I don't blame them, they just don't want to worry. Still selfish, and I find the feedback I'm getting here SO much more valuable.

Thanks guys, much love.
 
Shit Thou, I'm so sorry this happened to you :( I'd say try a shelter...do you have any friends you could stay with, be it just for a few days while you clear your mind and can start making 'plans' or looking for a new job etc?
 
No friends. The shelter thing is probably a go.

Wish more blers lived in the area.

I see you've attained the rank of moderator! Good on ya' pages. ;)
 
Well hey man if you ever find yourself in westchester near WP or Yonkers I'd buy you lunch or something. Unfortunately I dont have my own place where you could stay, but there also are plenty of resources around these parts of homeless people (way more so than LI as far as I am aware).

Hope everything works out.
 
Thanks Doom - may make it out that way ain't too far a cry from where I'm at.

Certainly less of a chance of being robbed where I'm at though. I might take you up on that offer when I'm well.
 
I like your zen approach to things; i could really use that. I have so much pent up anger, resentment, frustration, anxiety and that kind of thing would help me finally let go. Thanks for bringing it up, i'll look into it sometime soon.

good luck man.
 
Thou said:
No friends. The shelter thing is probably a go.

Wish more blers lived in the area.

I see you've attained the rank of moderator! Good on ya' pages. ;)
Click to expand...

Yeah I'd go for the shelter...I really wish I could help more but I barely know what to say :( just wanted to give my support even if it isn't much <3

and thank you!!
 
damn long island winters are horrible. just thinking about being homeless in a place like that makes me feel despair, no idea what i would do in that situation. hope it works out and you make it to a city with good resources
 
I have been in your situation as far as being homeless and unemployed (not the alcoholic parent part) but it was so many years ago that it is probably irrelevant. (I was a teen). But like you, I did not feel angry or resentful about it and I think that is a very profound advantage. You have no doubt been living for quite a long time in that parent child role reversal (you taking care of your alcoholic mom) and it will be nothing but an improvement in the end to cut those ties and put some distance between you for a while. Hopefully in the near future you can have some sort of relationship with her but for now being independent and self sufficient is what you need to concentrate on. Aside from the financial support you provided her, I'm sure that the psychological entanglement has been brutal.

I hate to think of you trying to stay sober and positive in a shelter--that's rough. I know it can be done (actually have a friend proving that to me right now) but it is harder. Do you think that you could use your previous stint in the psyche ward to your advantage in getting help with housing or a job? I know that where I live they have a fantastic program to help clients get small apartments that the county subsidizes. You don't have to be on SSI to qualify, you just have to be a client of Mental Health Services.

You are an incredible survivor but more than that you never shut the doors to what life offers up. Sometimes I think the true gift of being an artist is the gift of simply being a fascinated observer. That can carry you farther than anything else and keeps the journey interesting. Good luck and keep us posted. (((<3)))

P.S. It is interesting what you said about IRL friends wanting to fix you (or your situation in your case) to avoid their own discomfort. I think it is one reason why I also turn to Bluelight a lot. I can say anything and no one has to try to tell me to move on simply because they are uncomfortable. If it does make anyone uncomfortable they can simply skip that post, not respond, whatever and there are no hard feelings on either side. It is harder for people face to face.
 
It may sound harsh but your mother is like a cancer in your life & needs to be removed from it if you are to grow & prosper (not saying forever but until you are stable & can deal with her in an appropriate manner). I wish you the best but now is the time to worry about you & you alone. Do what is right for you & fuck everyone else.
 
Alright.

Bitch went to a therapist and was nice to me for one day.

Now she's back to where she was. Apparantly she's fired the therapist.

Why was she nice to me for one day though?

I don't give a fuck about living in the gutter. I'd rather die than give her credence to affirm who she is isn't fighting the past and validating regression.

I hate myself, and I've compassion for myself because I can't do anything about my past. Nor can I do NOTHING about it.

She's egoically tied. I don't wish her ill, but her actions are worthy of being slaughtered in a giant compacter. Help?
 
You need to stay away from her. Move on any way you can. Don't wish her dead and get all caught up in anger and retribution--try to see her as a damaged person who is now damaging YOU as long as you are in her sphere of influence. Find a shelter that is far as far away as you can get and then start establishing yourself on your own without any contact. I'm not advocating this for the rest of your life necessarily but for now you really need the distance.
 
It seems we've made attained a bit of piece between us.

She probably is coming off worse than she is, but it's ok. I just went to get medicaid and not only are they going to expedite that shit but they're going to refund the 600 bucks I spend on meds these past two months.

Currently sitting around waiting to get tattooed again.

She's having surgery soon and we're getting along. I'm going to be leaving when I can - but things are alright for now. The surgery will give us a little bit of time to regroup and stop thinking about stupid nonsense.

Thanks guys.
 
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