Mental Health Control Freaks

[nuttynutskin]

Anyone else here consider themselves to be one, and if so were you ever able to work through it so that it didn't control your life so much? For me I think it comes from my OCD and anxiety problems, and of course for a lot of I'm sure it's the same. Anyways, gonna keep it short for now... Just thought this could be an interesting topic. Will add more later.

 

[herbavore]

I think every human being on earth is on the "control-freak" spectrum somewhere. One of the best antidotes to the anxiety that causes us to want to control everything is the philosophy of Buddhism or secular Buddhism as some people are calling it these days. The core of it is learning to live with fear and discomfort; accepting those and learning to be an observer of yourself when you are in their clutches rather than simply reacting. Anxiety is one of the most treatable conditions because it is completely within your own thoughts. Learning how to dialogue with your own ingrained thoughts is powerful and life changing.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

I feel like you need more detail.

How exactly is being a control freak affecting your life in a negative way or way you would like to change?

 

[nuttynutskin]

Pretty much anything really... I basically just don't like situations I have no control over or it's seemingly that way. It could be something as small as riding in the car with someone, going over to someone's house, somebody else deciding what they want to watch on tv, etc. It really cold be anything. I also tend to like to have a predetermined schedule for things although I can be spontaneous sometimes.

 

[malakaix]

Pretty much anything really... I basically just don't like situations I have no control over or it's seemingly that way.

I can relate, this is in fact the core reason that i travel alone when i do.

With that said i often attempt to create situations where i have control or at least maintain control in some form, i'm the kind of person who always has an exit strategy. In social circles i always maintain a sense of independent self.. i can cooperate with people and hang out but my sense of self is not defined by the social circle.. i can leave or stop contact and it has zero impact on me as i'm not invested. This has been paramount for me in my process of learning detachment.

I think my need to control is very much tied up with my desire for freedom, i hate feeling trapped mentally, emotionally or physically. Relationships have been a monumental struggle for me because of this very reason.. i want it right up until the very moment i have it then i feel trapped. I seek out unavailable women because of this.

Virtually any person, place, environment or situation where i feel trapped.. the need for control arise's. I think this could be applied to everyone to varying levels.. i do remember times when i was more carefree especially when the crowd i was hanging out with was very hippe-esque, however i found myself in too many undesirable situations that seemed to have resulted from a distinct lack of planning and structure and i became fed-up with it.

I've pushed my boundaries though and i find if i can get into the momentum of allowing everything around me to simply happen without attempting to control it i can fall into a more relaxed place.. last year i hitch-hiked for the first time which was so far out of my comfort zone and probably the worst position to be in for someone who wants 'control' hahah.. but it turned out to be an enriching experience and i suppose i learnt to trust in the motion of things a little more..

 

[nuttynutskin]

I think my need to control is very much tied up with my desire for freedom, i hate feeling trapped mentally, emotionally or physically. Relationships have been a monumental struggle for me because of this very reason.. i want it right up until the very moment i have it then i feel trapped. I seek out unavailable women because of this.

I think mine stems more from social anxiety or even just anxiety in general, although I suppose nobody likes feeling trapped either. But for me, it's not that I don't want to maintain relationships with people, it's just that the anxiety gets in the way and makes it really difficult. I guess one example would be having a friend over vs. going over to a friend's place (although I don't have any friends that I hang out with anymore in real life). Either way, I would be totally fine having a friend come over and hanging out at my place, but the instant that someone would ask me if I wanted to go over to their place I would basically start thinking about any reason not to.

I think without a doubt it comes down to control, because if someone comes over to my place I still feel in control. But if I go over to someone else's place then obviously I'm not, at least not fully. My line of thought would probably be something like, "What if I don't like their roommates?", "What are we going to do?", "What if I don't like the tv show or movie they're watching?"... You get the idea. Then, although it's been quite a while, if I did go over to someone's place I wouldn't probably stay very long and then it could easily appear that I was being aloof when it couldn't be further from the truth.

I've pushed my boundaries though and i find if i can get into the momentum of allowing everything around me to simply happen without attempting to control it i can fall into a more relaxed place..

I definitely wish I could find a way to do that without the booze, because as everyone probably knows that creates it's own set of problems, but sadly that's really been the only thing I've found to help any.

last year i hitch-hiked for the first time which was so far out of my comfort zone and probably the worst position to be in for someone who wants 'control' hahah.. but it turned out to be an enriching experience and i suppose i learnt to trust in the motion of things a little more..

Yeah, I couldn't see myself doing that unless I absolutely had to and had my gun on me. I distrust people too much, even people I know to say nothing of complete strangers.

 

[fifimurphycat]

my ex was a control freak and he too suffered ocd.we ended up splitting up because of it, not that he was violent or anything but he had to know where I was who I was with etc it got too much, but the final straw was I had cleaned up his flat for him when he had been away and thought I would make it nice to come back to, the ornaments where about 1mm out of place but it freaked him out so much. a few years later and he seems to be a lot better now, he took a job working away on a boat and although took him a bit of time to adjust he is happier than ever now. he pushed himself into doing something he would never normally do and it worked for him. maybe being in a situation you know is safe, but where you can not access your normal control substances would help. also try dropping the word "if" it seems that word goes hand in hand with a lot of problems

 

[nuttynutskin]

also try dropping the word "if" it seems that word goes hand in hand with a lot of problems

Can you explain what that means?

 

[fifimurphycat]

if I could only, but what if this happens, dropping the general if part and saying I could do, this is what is happening now and we will see what happens later rather than worrying about if's. I am not a bright person or like I have seen many people posting really intelligent shit, I am pretty simple take your time as in now now if's about later.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Oh I see what you meant... The problem for me is that my anxiety seems to be hard wired. Like once it hits there's no rationalizing with it really. I blame genetics a good part as both of my parents were pretty anxious people. My father was a total control freak and now that I understand psychology and things more just from research I've done on my own I can see that it's mainly because he actually feels out of control. And as much as I hate to admit it it's pretty much the same for me, I just wish I could figure out why.

 

[fifimurphycat]

so mix of nature and nurture with you, there will be a way you just have to look at why it starts is there a common link between when and is there words that you could replace so your mind can start thinking in a different direction instead of always following the path you currently have dug for it? also getting to talk it out I think is a good start for a new way to learn sometimes you have to do something many times before you will do something automatically

 

[herbavore]

(are) there words that you could replace so your mind can start thinking in a different direction instead of always following the path you currently have dug for it?

I think there is a lot of power in this. Nutty, I was so anxious from infancy to my early teens that I was barely able to talk outside of my immediate family. It has been a slow but steady progress over my whole life of learning to be myself, to be comfortable letting myself be and letting the world around me be. Most of the practical day-to-day progress I've made has been the result of learning new ways to think and new ways to talk to myself (re-framing negative self talk to something more forgiving and constructive). I think genetics play a huge role but I also know that absolutely nothing in your nature or personality is actually set in stone.

 

[PieceByPiece]

With me, I'm not just a 'control freak', I, more or less, can't even without control over everything. I think it comes from my childhood when I didn't haven't control over things that happened, and now I feel an overwhelming urge to have control over EVERYTHING. When I dont, my anxiety and BPD go through the wall and literally makes me unable to function with daily life. I don't hate being like it because I think it brings about a certain amount of comfort and certainty when I was so used to never knowing what was going to happen next and being uncertain of everything around me, including myself. So, I personally wouldn't change it. But I can understand how it can be difficult to feel like you need to be in control all the time. A psychiatrist once said to me, "it must be exhausting to need control over everything all the time" - but it's not, to me, it's exhausing not having control and trying to gain it.

 

[sharpmetalmulisha]

Speaking from experience, me being a control freak seemed to stem from anxiety, but it was actually the result of my inability to ACCEPT MYSELF for who I was and not knowing how to FORGIVE MYSELF when I believed that I was to blame. The concept sounds simple, but when things (situations, relationships,etc) don't pan out as you had expected or hoped, who is at fault in your mind? Do you instantly place the blame on someone else or do you place the fault on your own shoulders? For years I was mistaken in thinking that forgiving myself meant suppressing my true emotions in order to keep calm and carry on. My advice is that you accept your feelings for what they are, rather than avoiding them because they will shine through in other aspects of your life, understand that nobody is perfect, not even you. If you believe in a higher power, ask for knowledge and understanding to help you through this struggle. Hope this helps!

 

[methyldreams]

I can relate, this is in fact the core reason that i travel alone when i do.

With that said i often attempt to create situations where i have control or at least maintain control in some form, i'm the kind of person who always has an exit strategy. In social circles i always maintain a sense of independent self.. i can cooperate with people and hang out but my sense of self is not defined by the social circle.. i can leave or stop contact and it has zero impact on me as i'm not invested. This has been paramount for me in my process of learning detachment.

I think my need to control is very much tied up with my desire for freedom, i hate feeling trapped mentally, emotionally or physically. Relationships have been a monumental struggle for me because of this very reason.. i want it right up until the very moment i have it then i feel trapped. I seek out unavailable women because of this.

Virtually any person, place, environment or situation where i feel trapped.. the need for control arise's. I think this could be applied to everyone to varying levels.. i do remember times when i was more carefree especially when the crowd i was hanging out with was very hippe-esque, however i found myself in too many undesirable situations that seemed to have resulted from a distinct lack of planning and structure and i became fed-up with it.

I've pushed my boundaries though and i find if i can get into the momentum of allowing everything around me to simply happen without attempting to control it i can fall into a more relaxed place.. last year i hitch-hiked for the first time which was so far out of my comfort zone and probably the worst position to be in for someone who wants 'control' hahah.. but it turned out to be an enriching experience and i suppose i learnt to trust in the motion of things a little more..

I have always tried to control everything in my life even controlling the times when I would delibratley fail so I wouldn't have to take on extra responsibilities. I cant say it was from anxiety I don't think it was more that I was so into myself that I believed I knew the best way for everything and of course got others doing what I wanted or should I say I told them what I thought was the right way to do something.
Now I don't think I know all like i did when I was 20, when I share my beliefs I still get people agreeing with my ideas about all sorts of things that come out of my mouth.. I still lack the skill that gets me a partner for life which is starting to scare me as I would hate to be alone much longer in my life

 

[NOtoInvega]

People want control SO bad that they will believe the most absurd, out there, completely INSANE things - and call anyone who does not believe it insane - if it gives them a SENSE of control. Just the feeling of control. In truth, control is a complete delusion.

It is insane to think you actually control a single aspect of anything. All that you have is influence. The phrase "control your symptoms" comes to mind. NO, "INFLUENCE YOUR SYMPTOMS." In what way are you going to influence my symptoms, and how deluded are you to think that this is actually a control? Man, check my posts on this board if you want to find out what happened the last time I trusted some guy with 8 years of schooling (it got in the way of his education) and a strong desire for control. I won't recover for months, and possibly up to a year.

Control.

A desire for control is what has caused the VAST majority of human suffering.

The ONLY antidote is to let go and beg God to take control. But there is a problem. There is a group of people who are trying to stop the antidote from getting out because they want control. Organized, man-made religion. Why do they steal the antidote (seal up heaven)? They want control. It's strange because there is a passage in the Bible that defines the only religion that God accepts. Acceptable religion to God is to: visit the orphans and the widows and be unstained by the world. "If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless.27Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."

God literally defined His religion RIGHT THERE in the same book they are reading from. The same book where all the adherents of organized religion in the old covenant KILLED JESUS AND MOST OF THE PROPHETS BEFORE HIM. He spent his whole life running from them until it was His time. He said not to be concerned with the vanity of keeping religious rules, that no one is without sin (well, except Him of course), and to focus on LOVE. Try telling that to Republicans. I mean, really, WHO CARES if gay people WHO ARE NOT EVEN CHRISTIAN want to get married? It's constantly in the news. As if stopping them from getting married is going to save their souls. Only Love saves. Love is the FULFILLMENT of the Law. Love does no wrong. Jesus is Love. God is Love. Every human is a sinner. And do you know why Republicans always talk about the Bible and a false-sense of personal responsibility (they are deceiving themselves)? So they can use Edward Bernays tactics to gain....you guessed it...control.

CONTROL is not the fulfillment of Love. Control can not bring forth Love. Our world today is so devoid of Love. Everything is about control. We are raised to worship control.

Anyone who talks about Love and Life being what matter most - gets called a hippy. How irresponsible are all those personal responsibility preachers, to be so hypocritical as to act like anything but Love and Life matter while mentioning JESUS - the guy who said "forgive and you will be forgiven" "do not condemn lest you be condemned" "if a man says he is without sin, he deceives himself." But what would be the point in talking about that on national television? You won't get any form of control from that right? That sounds too - too - ALIVE

I can't wait to feel alive again. It might be months before I can. Jesus also said to trust no man and to trust God alone. I messed up big time when I trusted a psychiatrist. If any of you are not on invega sustenna - don't take your dopamine for granted. You can feel alive, you can FEEL love, you can feel LIFE. Let go of control and focus on Love and Life. I remember when I used to feel those things. Now I just know they are there and know I have them, but I don't have the feeling of them. I will have it back one day, or at least part of it. I need the rest of you to feel Life and Love for me right now, because I can't. From what I hear, I will again one day as long as I don't get court-ordered to take invega. I don't know what I would do if that happened to me. It almost did and I never even committed a crime or attacked anyone. The only reason it didn't, I found out recently, was because I checked myself in voluntarily. The people at the psych ward told my wife they would have gotten the court-order otherwise. STAY AWAY FROM PSYCH WARDS. They want control WAY too bad. I'm willing to bet a large number of people who get court-ordered to take "medication" kill themselves each year without even knowing that the medication is stopping the chemical that makes them feel good from binding to its receptors.

And OP, please let go of your need for control. Live and Love - let go of your need for control.