Contacting someone you dated briefly (but parted amicably) for no real reason

[Vastness]

Very quick question here, on some diazepam and a cathinone so hopefully my judgement isn't impaired enough that this the answer is obvious, or the question is stupid, although that's partly why I'm asking, my judgement is impaired and I'm suddenly feeling weirdly paranoid I might be behaving strangely. Just spent some time contacting a bunch of old friends which is my typical modus operandi when I end up doing stims alone and on a whim, came across a girl in my contacts I dated over a year ago I think for not long, maybe a few months, maybe less. We parted on good terms and it was basically because I was a little too enthusiastic about substances. I guess this hasn't changed too much although I think I've become a bit more sensible in some ways. She did tell me at the time, "let me know if you ever decide you can live without drugs!"

Obviously I can live without drugs... I think. I just choose not to, mostly. At the time I was dating a lot so was overconfident and cavalier about this and told her "let me know if you can ever live with them!" and that was that and we haven't spoken since. However I have since regretted that decision and being so militant about my lifestyle choices even when they weren't particularly relevant in my view, I mean, I was completely sober whenever we were together, and I have other interests too... honest.

Anyway that's kind of irrelevant to my question, so apologies, but I was just wondering if it would be perceived as weird or unwelcome if I tried to get back in touch for no real reason, or if it's just pointless nostalgia and probably not good for me either. If I'm honest I guess I am reminiscing a little as I have been a lot more socially lazy since then, both in dating and in life in general, and have had a couple of successive almost-relationships which didn't work out and have probably given me a more pessimistic viewpoint about this stuff. And maybe that wasn't even the reason, maybe she was just being nice.

I dunno... this is maybe an unnecessary question fuelled by the minor substance cocktail I'm on right now but I've typed all this stuff out so I guess I'll post it. Thanks in advance for any responses and apologies if you do indeed think the answer is obvious or the question is stupid. 8)

 

[cduggles]

Hi Vastness,

First of all, I think you were right to be honest at the time about your interest in substances. Relationships where someone is using and lying get complicated really quicky (no judgment here of anyone).

I think the answer to your very apt question lies with her about whether it's a good idea to get in touch more regularly.

The only thing to add imo is you definitely should give it a try, because if you are still attracted to each other then she'll let you know and then great, and if not then no harm because she isn't in your life otherwise.

That's just my philosophy, and I think your question was definitely within normal parameters.

 

[pofacedhoe]

so you take some drugs an want to contact a girl who said you need to never take drugs in order to be with her?

i think it prob was the reason but for me when people give you rigid ulitmatums about things it needs to be cos that thing has taken over and is destroying your life, not simply cos they dont like it and you do it once every couple of months. these kind of people are why a lot of marriages are riddled with lying. how hard to accept that someone has habits you dont appreciate (tobacco for one).

i think what you need is more dates and dont get deflated.

going back to this girl having not changed into the new you what do you think will happen?

i think what has happened is you started reminiscing realised you really liked her and here we are

 

[Vastness]

Hah, thank you both, cduggles and pofacedhoe, for your responses and for reassuring me there... think I was starting to come down a bit and feeling a bit edgy and paranoid and second guessing myself about stupid things.

In retrospect yes it is pretty funny that I took some drugs and ended up reminiscing about a girl who was militantly anti-drug enough to abandon an otherwise pretty good thing even when the drugs had literally, honestly, zero affect on our "relationship". I was in a lot better shape back then also so it's not like I looked like a stereotypical "drug user" (speaking media/hollywood stereotypes here, I know this stereotype is just bullshit anyway). I guess I kinda felt I should have read the situation better, I mean we did discuss it quite a bit in what I perceived to be a kind of abstract sense, just a friendly debate between 2 rational people, although she would usually eventually try to change the topic and wasn't really interested in being swayed... so I was kind of taken by surprise when it turned out to be a much bigger issue than I thought it was, which probably played a part in my friendly but internally quite indignant reaction.

However we did get on well, I mean really it's probably the most amicable separation I've experienced in my life, usually there's some kind of lead up where subconsciously and retrospectively it's clear something's not right, and there's some kind of period of bitterness and confusion afterwards... but here it seemed like everything was going great until suddenly it wasn't, because of something I didn't even realise was an issue. Weirdly I don't even remember feeling that sad about it, I was just kinda like well if she's the kind of person who can suddenly end a good thing for (what I perceive to be) a completely superficial and pointless reason then fuck that.

I probably will try to contact her, I'm kinda curious how she's doing and it's not like anything was ever awkward between us. Worst case scenario she just ignores me and as a man I am pretty capable of dealing with that response by now .

Even if we do get back in touch probably not much will come of it realistically, unless she herself has changed. I haven't changed into a "new me" and I really don't feel I need to, I didn't then and I don't now, if anything I'm a lot more confident in myself now despite going through a slightly abject and demotivated phase at the moment... and I know this won't last forever.

You're totally right pofacehoe, that is what I need to do, I will endeavour to take that advice also.

 

[Vastness]

I think the answer to your very apt question lies with her about whether it's a good idea to get in touch more regularly.

Sorry cduggles, would you mind clarifying this sentence? Just realised I am really not sure what you mean. Perhaps this is the brain fog from yesterday night... 8)

 

[cduggles]

Sure! Sorry I was unclear. Hope this is better.

You asked (my paraphrasing) if it's a good idea to get in touch with your former flame again. I think it's a great question.

Imo, the answer is you should contact her "if she wants you to".

The only way to find out what she wants is by contacting her and reading her signals.

And I hope you do get in touch with her again.

I'm all for honesty about drug use, but I'm also a romantic. Who knows what might happen?

 

[atara]

Wait, what? Contacting ex-lovers is literally the drunken mistake par excellence. There's even a song about it:

NSFW:

No, you don't get fucked up and call your ex. Ever. It is like the first rule of drugs. Maybe the second rule. I think "not dying" has to be up there too.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Wait, what? Contacting ex-lovers is literally the drunken mistake par excellence. There's even a song about it:

NSFW:

No, you don't get fucked up and call your ex. Ever. It is like the first rule of drugs. Maybe the second rule. I think "not dying" has to be up there too.

This. Unless you are friends with your ex, the way I am with only one of mine, do not get drunk, high, or fucked up and contact them.

If they want to contact you let them do this. But contacting them while intoxicated-especially on moderate or high doses of benzos, stims, or alcohol, is asking for saying or doing something you regret.