soulfly
Bluelight Crew
sorry to post something that has nothing to do with E, but you guys have such a great view on everything...maybe you could help me out here...
for just shy of three years... i was seriously involved with the most beautiful, incredible human being i've ever met in my 23 years...her name was susan... went to high school with her, even though we were in totally seperate crowds (she: cheerleader, honor student, model...me:burnout)
well we met (again) through a mutual friend, dated, and fell in love..well i proposed shortly after and she said yes
life was finally coming together...
well... due to my stupid fucking immatureness and inability to be happy and take care of ANYTHING good in my life...i fucked up worse than you can imagine... and lost her last May
well since then...i've heard from her maybe twice through e mail and haven't heard anything in maybe 5 months
since i lost her... well it's been perfectly clear as to where i'm supposed to be
after months of waiting for Susan to give me a chance (despite the fact that she had been dating someone she met two weeks after we ended), and realizing that wasn't going to happen...i attempted to move on
i began dating a friend that i had a crush on for about 3 years... after about a month...she attempted to sleep with my roomate...and i found out she had been cheating on me all along...
after that i've had everything from (oops found out she had a boyfriend...to the classic "i just want to be friends AFTER we hook up" to walking in on her with another guy, to the usual they just stop calling)...but everything since her has been a complete FUCKING JOKE and a waste of my TIME...i am not in love ....and have not been since her and i honestly don't think i have the ability any more... and believe me i really REALLY would love to build a relationship and get to that level again...but i just feel so disconnected and out of touch with everyone
i've also found out that susan is now engaged to be married (her bf proposed when he took her on vacation)
here's what set me off... last night after a few drinks and a little bit of weed...and a shitload of lonliness and memories... i drove by her house for the first time since June...and whispered the words "i'm sorry"
well i light a cigarette and turn the radio on....and what's on but OUR FUCKING SONG!!! (Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls...which is truer now more than ever)
well i drove home, dreampt (sp?) about her again as i do far too often and got no sleep
i come to work today and i have an E MAIL from her...
"so you just sort of dropped off the face of the earth, huh?
hope all is well with your new life.mine's good.happy new year.susan"
no matter what i do... i just can't seem to put this behind me..and i'm starting to wonder if there's a reason for that...
but it hurts so bad
so, what do i do here? do i tell her that every aspect of my life has been a fucking NIGHTMARE without her?? do i not respond at all?? do i lie and say everything is great? or do i tell her the truth and let her know that i don't go out anywhere any more...that i see her face everywhere still...that everything reminds me of the way my life used to be and that i would trade anything to have the only honest love i've ever felt in my entire life, back? Do i tell her that i still think we could have made it...and if i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID, how i could have everything i want right now...well maybe not everything...but at least something to build on....rather than this hollow, empty feeling i've had for the last 7 months...
sorry about the ramblings...if you're still reading...thanks...any input is appreciated
i love you all from the bottom of what's left of my heart...
plur
------------------
soulfly
"I am more than a mathematical equation...i am more than a chemical combination... my existence cannot be reduced to a scientific theory!"
**SPIN-E**
for just shy of three years... i was seriously involved with the most beautiful, incredible human being i've ever met in my 23 years...her name was susan... went to high school with her, even though we were in totally seperate crowds (she: cheerleader, honor student, model...me:burnout)
well we met (again) through a mutual friend, dated, and fell in love..well i proposed shortly after and she said yes
life was finally coming together...
well... due to my stupid fucking immatureness and inability to be happy and take care of ANYTHING good in my life...i fucked up worse than you can imagine... and lost her last May
well since then...i've heard from her maybe twice through e mail and haven't heard anything in maybe 5 months
since i lost her... well it's been perfectly clear as to where i'm supposed to be
after months of waiting for Susan to give me a chance (despite the fact that she had been dating someone she met two weeks after we ended), and realizing that wasn't going to happen...i attempted to move on
i began dating a friend that i had a crush on for about 3 years... after about a month...she attempted to sleep with my roomate...and i found out she had been cheating on me all along...
after that i've had everything from (oops found out she had a boyfriend...to the classic "i just want to be friends AFTER we hook up" to walking in on her with another guy, to the usual they just stop calling)...but everything since her has been a complete FUCKING JOKE and a waste of my TIME...i am not in love ....and have not been since her and i honestly don't think i have the ability any more... and believe me i really REALLY would love to build a relationship and get to that level again...but i just feel so disconnected and out of touch with everyone
i've also found out that susan is now engaged to be married (her bf proposed when he took her on vacation)
here's what set me off... last night after a few drinks and a little bit of weed...and a shitload of lonliness and memories... i drove by her house for the first time since June...and whispered the words "i'm sorry"
well i light a cigarette and turn the radio on....and what's on but OUR FUCKING SONG!!! (Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls...which is truer now more than ever)
well i drove home, dreampt (sp?) about her again as i do far too often and got no sleep
i come to work today and i have an E MAIL from her...
"so you just sort of dropped off the face of the earth, huh?
hope all is well with your new life.mine's good.happy new year.susan"
no matter what i do... i just can't seem to put this behind me..and i'm starting to wonder if there's a reason for that...
but it hurts so bad
so, what do i do here? do i tell her that every aspect of my life has been a fucking NIGHTMARE without her?? do i not respond at all?? do i lie and say everything is great? or do i tell her the truth and let her know that i don't go out anywhere any more...that i see her face everywhere still...that everything reminds me of the way my life used to be and that i would trade anything to have the only honest love i've ever felt in my entire life, back? Do i tell her that i still think we could have made it...and if i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID, how i could have everything i want right now...well maybe not everything...but at least something to build on....rather than this hollow, empty feeling i've had for the last 7 months...
sorry about the ramblings...if you're still reading...thanks...any input is appreciated
i love you all from the bottom of what's left of my heart...
plur
------------------
soulfly
"I am more than a mathematical equation...i am more than a chemical combination... my existence cannot be reduced to a scientific theory!"
**SPIN-E**