confusion...fate....and other really FUCKED UP shit :( , need advice

soulfly

soulfly

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Oct 24, 1999
Messages
5,812
Location
south boston, Ma USA
sorry to post something that has nothing to do with E, but you guys have such a great view on everything...maybe you could help me out here...
for just shy of three years... i was seriously involved with the most beautiful, incredible human being i've ever met in my 23 years...her name was susan... went to high school with her, even though we were in totally seperate crowds (she: cheerleader, honor student, model...me:burnout)
well we met (again) through a mutual friend, dated, and fell in love..well i proposed shortly after and she said yes
life was finally coming together...
well... due to my stupid fucking immatureness and inability to be happy and take care of ANYTHING good in my life...i fucked up worse than you can imagine... and lost her last May
well since then...i've heard from her maybe twice through e mail and haven't heard anything in maybe 5 months
since i lost her... well it's been perfectly clear as to where i'm supposed to be
after months of waiting for Susan to give me a chance (despite the fact that she had been dating someone she met two weeks after we ended), and realizing that wasn't going to happen...i attempted to move on
i began dating a friend that i had a crush on for about 3 years... after about a month...she attempted to sleep with my roomate...and i found out she had been cheating on me all along...
after that i've had everything from (oops found out she had a boyfriend...to the classic "i just want to be friends AFTER we hook up" to walking in on her with another guy, to the usual they just stop calling)...but everything since her has been a complete FUCKING JOKE and a waste of my TIME...i am not in love ....and have not been since her and i honestly don't think i have the ability any more... and believe me i really REALLY would love to build a relationship and get to that level again...but i just feel so disconnected and out of touch with everyone
i've also found out that susan is now engaged to be married (her bf proposed when he took her on vacation)
here's what set me off... last night after a few drinks and a little bit of weed...and a shitload of lonliness and memories... i drove by her house for the first time since June...and whispered the words "i'm sorry"
well i light a cigarette and turn the radio on....and what's on but OUR FUCKING SONG!!! (Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls...which is truer now more than ever)
well i drove home, dreampt (sp?) about her again as i do far too often and got no sleep
i come to work today and i have an E MAIL from her...
"so you just sort of dropped off the face of the earth, huh?
hope all is well with your new life.mine's good.happy new year.susan"
no matter what i do... i just can't seem to put this behind me..and i'm starting to wonder if there's a reason for that...
but it hurts so bad
so, what do i do here? do i tell her that every aspect of my life has been a fucking NIGHTMARE without her?? do i not respond at all?? do i lie and say everything is great? or do i tell her the truth and let her know that i don't go out anywhere any more...that i see her face everywhere still...that everything reminds me of the way my life used to be and that i would trade anything to have the only honest love i've ever felt in my entire life, back? Do i tell her that i still think we could have made it...and if i wasn't so FUCKING STUPID, how i could have everything i want right now...well maybe not everything...but at least something to build on....rather than this hollow, empty feeling i've had for the last 7 months...
sorry about the ramblings...if you're still reading...thanks...any input is appreciated
i love you all from the bottom of what's left of my heart...
plur
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soulfly
"I am more than a mathematical equation...i am more than a chemical combination... my existence cannot be reduced to a scientific theory!"
**SPIN-E**
 
Soulfly, if your feelings for her are still so strong, then in my books you've only got one option... let her know!!!
Honeslty, what do you have to lose by letting her know what's on your mind? And there won't be that annoying 'if only' hanging around forever if you just let things slide by.
Well, hope this helps a little. And i hope that all works out well, big hugs for you!!
Love Chania
[This message has been edited by Chania (edited 14 January 2000).]
 
Yo soulfly,
I agree with Chania there, go after her. Tell her. Sing for her. Do whatever doode. And get it out of you. Way i see it, seems that you would walk the Earth for this girl. The i don't know what you are waiting for. Do what you gotta do to get her to understand and know how you feel about her.
But i know how you feel. Been there and done that. And i tell you, it took me i guess around 2-3 years to get over the whole matter and just start accepting things the way they are.
Hey bro, we are all here to support you and you gotz my digitz if you wanna talk.
PLURness
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Buzzin
DrgnFly
""""""""""qp"""""""""""
*****BEAN me up Scotty*****
 
bro, it's really funny that you mention "sing to her"
cause i was on my way back from the Goo Goo Dolls show last summer (a couple weeks after we split up) (and don't make fun of me for going to that show!) and i was rolling my ass off....miserable as all fuck...crying hysterically... and i stopped at a pay phone and called her
i mustered up everything i could and began singing Iris to her in the most intense voice i've ever had....when i was finished...i heard her crying (fuck, now i'm crying thinking about it) and i said to her "look... i know i haven't had the strength to see you...but i need you tonight" and she paused and said "i can't" in a really quiet voice i asked if someone was over...and she said yes... and i asked "boyfriend?" she said "yes".... that was how i found out she was with someone...
frown.gif

to this day i have no idea how i survived that night... i've felt a lot of pain in my life...but i will NEVER forget that awful, gut wrenching feeling
drgnfly: thanks for the support... really..thank you... i can't wait till i can get my ass out there
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soulfly
"I am more than a mathematical equation...i am more than a chemical combination... my existence cannot be reduced to a scientific theory!"
**SPIN-E**
 
Well brother, i know what you've been going through. As i've been dealing with this stuff for 25 years ( thats a fucking long time , god do i sound old )
I've been through several relationships that have had the unfortunate endings. Maybe as time goes on , you become more jaded. always thinking , in the back of my mind, its going to happen again. but anyway, as everyone got to see this past week , my person life got thrown out for all to see on here. Yes i did and still have deep feelings for her. i always will, but i know we never will be a couple again. only friends. And I got very hurt and upset about how it became a witch hunt , and i did everything i could to stop it. the only thing is the posts got deleated too late. and nothing can fix the damage that has happened. So now whats left but to go on with life.
I wish I had the cure all answers for everyone who feels or is going through this stuff as we are. I don't. Our very nature is to not be alone. We need companionship. we excell at life when were in love and not alone, we have purpose and security. at least i do . But when i find myself totally alone ,as it seems my life 's course is charted, I get lethargic, and negative about life. I get depressed when i see couples and families having fun and stuff. re opens all the old wounds of love and family lost . but I somehow go on. somedays its like , i 'm ready to give up , i am not going on any more. but then something always will happen , a call from a friend whos depressed , or something , and I now have to help this one to not get to where i am. Life is so strange, but i look at it this way, i'm stuck here , and might as well make the most of it. Sorry , i just got into a rambling state here. but know that if i can survive especially the last 12 years , anyone can. and its not a sign of weakness or failure if you need to ask for help. and yes , I am starting to do that a lot more. well, i don't know if i helped or not , but hang in there soulfly ! peace.
 
being communicative is what makes a difference...so go and communicate!
 
Oh soulfly you sound like your truly in love with Susan, I can honestly say I only 'thought' I was in love once but I wasn't. Realized it after 6 years.
I think you should call her and tell her how you feel, everything you've said to us, you need to say to her....If she is going to get married at least YOU will know she knows how you feel and still choose to get married....you never know...you opening up to her may make her think more about her current relationship and if there's any doubt about it, she'll think about it when you tell her how you still feel....
Much luck to you and you know were always here by post or email
PLUR
 
I don't know man, there is alot of really good advice here. The problem with advice is, nobody really listens to it. You know, right now, before you even wrote this post, what you want to do. I think, all you are really looking for is some emotional backing, you want someone to tell you want you want to hear. You need to do whats in your heart. Do it as soon as possible. Don't let anything stop you. That way if it doesn't come out the way you want it to, you can say "I tried!" You can know in your heart that you did what you had to for you. If it doesn't work out, so be it. Fuck it. Take some time off from, dating, fucking, whatever and consentrate on you. I've been there. I fucked up. She fucked up. I tried for two years to get her back. I used people to "try" and fill the void in my heart and soul. I hated being alone. I finally just took care of me. A year later ( a whole fucking long ass year), I met someone wonderful. She is my total soulmate, my bestfriend, my everything. A few months after we had been dating, my ex came into town to see me. I saw her at the bars, and nothing. I could not believe I had any feelings at all for this girl. I went home to my GF, and I've never have looked back.
Advice is really good, for the person giving it. It helps that person feel like they are helping someone else out with a problem they've been thru. YOU already know what to do! So what are you waiting for???
If you need to talk, obviously you have alot of friends on this board. The rest is up to you.
I hope it works out for you either way, my friend.
-Rotten
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You can't always get what you want...but if you try somtimes, you just might find, you'll get what you need
[This message has been edited by Rotten (edited 14 January 2000).]
 
Everything happens for a reason and all these coincidences are pointing you back to her. Follow your heart,and tell her how you feel. If you don't you'll regret it in the end. In the meanwhile take care of yourself and good luck!
 
um.. well I don't know if telling her EXACTLy how you feel is right- especially if she is engaged and happy. I had a friend- that kinda did- well she wasn't engaged but he never got a response back- probably cause she didn't know what to do. Think about it- if you had a girlfriend and was happy with her- and all of a sudden your ex girlfriend- who you still care about in one way or another tells you she wants you back- what would you do?? Probably end up hurting her right?? But I don't necessarly think that you shouldn't tell her how you feel, you should be honest with her and tell her that you are not doing well and that you do still care and love her very much.... when my boyfrined and I(of 3years) broke up- and I had a boyfriend- (we didn't talk for a couple of months) and became friends again- he said to me- DId I ever tell you that I loved you when we were going out(he didn't) You don't know how many times I wanted to call you after we broke up- I regretted it everyday since then, and I know you have a boyfriend now but I just wanted to tell you that I still really care and love you very much, but I am very happy that you found someone that can make you happy- is what he said to me- now this was a boy who never ever told me his feelings- and this made me feel sooo special and love him- in such a way that I would never ever be able to FULLY let go of him- as in I would always love him in one way or another you know?? So I think if you don't make her feel pressured- like you want to be with her- but still want to be in her life- and then see what happenes- I think you will feel better and .. if it doesn't work out with her- find someone else- cause it seems to me you that you can't let go because you have so much regret.... trust me there are others out there for you- I thought the same way about HIM but now is in love with someone else..
hee hee HOpe this helps
MUAH
take care kay??
 
aww.. I just read about you singing to her... that made ME wanna cry... THat is got to be THE sweetest thing ever..
wanna be my boyfriend?? hee hee
just kidding
MUAH
MUAH
You be happy kay??
 
Well...comming from a girl's perspective..I think you should tell her exactly how you feel...you cant be any worse for it. And if she still wants to go on with her life without you...then so be it. Know this...I think there is not just one "right" person for everyone, but several people who can match us..you will find one..just open your heart.
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*P~L~U~R*
 
Nobody can give you the right answer.
We can try, because we want to help, but we don't know. Nodody knows.
You'll have to go through it, do what you feel like doing, and learn from it. And add this experience to all the other experiences that made you who you are and made your life what it is right now.
I can tell you what I would do, I would tell her, see what she does with it. But it's me and you'll do what is in your heart.
But please, don't regret anything.
Whatever you did that you think (YOU think) destroyed your relationship, YOU did it, it's not good or bad, it's what you did. If this relationship had been very strong, it would have survived it. Maybe it was just meant to be, it was something for you to learn from. And one day you'll find out..
Anyway, keep the faith :-) All of this is worth being lived even if sometimes you think that it sucks. Of course you survived that night, and many others will follow. Life is not easy, it's not supposed to be, if somebody told you it was, he was lying.
Now, it's friday...Why don't you get a nice bean and go dancing? I think you deserve it.
rolling.gif

ManiE
 
Speakin as your bro, ive hung with you a few times and i definately consider you one of my boys, sorry to hear your bummin a bit. Theres not much else i can add to this thread the others pretty much hit it on the nose, dont focus on regret, just look to the future and whats coming, its never easy i know. Things will look up im sure.
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Smad
Choose Love, Choose Laughter, Choose your Friends, Choose Raves, Choose Life...
 
ditto to all and here's my two cents-
"... and this too shall pass." - bible (i think) NOTHING is fixed, or permanent... sounds very cold hearted i know.. but it's true and it's what kept me from severe depression while i was getting over this guy... just realize that you will not be in this state of mind forever...
also realize that you're not alone in feeling this pain... most everyone has felt it before and you know what? i feel sorry for those who's never felt it before...
i'd rather have a life full of intense pain and joy than a bland colorless life...
anyhow, i KNOW you will get over this eventually... and in hte meanwhile, indulge yourself...
love,
sunflower
 
Soulfly, I think you should try to be friends with her and I know that sounds like the wierdest advice but considering that she is engaged and planning her wedding probably too, I do think instead of losing her completely that you should try to be friends and keep her in your life. I know you still love her and always will but you don't want to lose contact with her forever do you? I don't think it would be a good idea to tell her that you still want her back but it is a great idea to talk to her as a friend, make sure she knows that you want to be friends so that she does not get on the defense and get wierd with you if she thinks you have a different agenda. I think you need her in your life now and always because she was such a big part of you and still is and that is ok to tell her that but tell her that you need her as a friend and you realize that is all that she can be to you now. I would rather have that from an x of mine that was now engaged rather then not have them as anything! I think she would be honored to know that you truely need her in your life and that she will understand, she is still writing you via email and that is probably the easiest way for her to talk to you right now but write back and tell her that you would really like to meet and talk as friends and try to get on that track with her. I promise you that it will be really different than what you want and how it was before but trust me, us women really do love to have you men as friends and even x's as friends but if we even sense that you want more then what we are able to give you, it makes us feel uncomfortable and we usually end up avoiding you all together and I know you don't want that, I know you want her as a friend, it is hard but it will be a good thing for you. Good luck and I know you are strong, I can tell by your words and how you write. Life always seems so difficult and hard each day that we have to deal with so much shit but with friends and close companions, it is so much easier to lean on others for help and understanding. Go for it, write her back and keep your chin up, do not hang your head down, get it up now! Love ya lots, Renee
 
honey.... i was going to say fight for her... but listen to your heart... let her know your feelings, but not that you want her back... just let her know what you feel... no ultimatums... and if she feels the same she'll drop ANYTHING to be with you... just don't bundle up all these feelings inside and turn them into regret... there's nothing worse than living with that big WHAT IF...
let it go... if she loves YOU she'll come back... and if you need anything you know where to find us... we'll always be happy to help out however we can:-)
and take MANIe 's advice drop a bean and go dancing it's FRIDAY!!!!
hugs and kisses!!!!
 
umm..soulfy i feel the same pain you are goin through its sub-sided right now but sometime i just think about and its so overwhelming and it tears me apart, the worst part of it all is she knows i love her and she just told me she doesnt feel as strongly for me and that she would have ended up cheating on me and hurting my feelings more. That hurt alot, but i can see when you called her and she was with her "new" bf that would have been it for me i would have died... i have dreams about her every night and i wake up in the worst mood on the verge of tears.
at Tru Luv i have a feeling that we will be talking about all this shit ( save some K for me ) lol , i had a dream that she would magically show up at Tru Luv and tell me that she still liked me and its would be the most perfect night but nahhh won't happen, just happens to be her b-day too
frown.gif

cya at Tru Luv
TraiN
Nate
 
I had that problem too once mate. The most messy breakup possible! I got really fucked up by it all and she didn't really help the situation futher by coming back every now and again, leading me on or telling me about other guys she's been fucking!! I was messed up! Funny thing is... not long after I started doing pills, I met up with her again and met here new b/f! It turned out she's started droppin too and we got on like a house on fire! I go up and stay with them every couple of weeks with all my mates! It really is amasing!
(sorry, I know that doesn't help you... but I guess it kinda says that you just have to get on with life as it takes it course...)
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Everything begins with an "E"!
 
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