TDS Confused

[shampoo]

Hi,

Warning, I ramble when I type. There's a TL;DR at the bottom though.

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking a lil bit lately on TDS and Sober Living boards. I'm 22 y/o and recently went thru my first bout with opiate addiction (a very mild addiction by many standards but it's enough to plant the hook). I had used opiates VERY occasionally since I was 18 (I'm talking like using when I got my wisdom teeth out or after a family member's surgery, or maybe get a few pills from a friend's script, but ya know I would get high a few times, run out, and would easily go several months, a year without opiates no problem [but in the back of my mind of course I always knew how much I loved 'em]).

At the beginning of this April, a dealer who I had bought MDMA from a few times sends me a long list of drugs he has available, asking if I knew anyone who would be interested. Oxy was part of this list, and I hadn't done any opiate in probably at least 6 months, thought that blowing an Oxy that night sounded pretty fun. So I asked how much, bought an Oxy 80, and there we go. With no tolerance that lasted me 4 nights of getting high, after that I really wanted to do it one more time, so I bought another one, high for another 4 nights, the rest is history really. I'm really lucky because I am a full time college student, work part time, and am trying to make a career in music, and my parents support me a lot. But I'm really broke on top of living expenses, so buying ridiculously expensive Oxys started to get stressful really fast. So typical, but each time I bought an oxy I said it would be the last. Still, I was scared shitless the whole time because I'm a pretty aware person and knew well what I was getting myself into. I couldn't afford the habit I wanted, had to steal sometimes, and still spent every penny on opiates. My tolerance went up fast, soon I would get Roxi 30s and barely get high off of those. I would make seed tea to fill in time between pills or if I couldn't afford the buzz I needed.

I would usually not use at all until night time, and then get high (only because I couldn't afford to be high 24/7). Although I hated doing whatever I needed to do to get through the day and had almost no energy or focus, I would manage and never actually felt physically sick, so I thought maybe I was just skirting physical addiction. Soon I found out a way to order any drugs I wanted over the internet, so I start ordering #4 H in the mail. This was awesome cuz heroin is way cheaper so I could finally get high to my heart's content, at least for a while.

I started to stress because I had a two week trip out of town planned and had been waking up really achy, so I thought shit, I guess physical dependance has set in (being the lucky bastard I am I managed to use every day for about 3 months straight, and had never let it wear off enough to know what w/d was gonna be like). I didn't know how I would get on a plane and be at home around my family if I was gonna get sick, but still figured maybe it wouldn't be that bad. Then, lucky me, 5 days before my trip, pill guy hasn't stocked up on roxis in a while (he mostly sells other drugs), the store that I usually get seeds from starts putting out washed seeds that won't do shit.... I wait and wait on a package of heroin. Mailman comes late, no heroin. The night before I had raided my roommate's medicine cabinet and found some opiates, so those were already gone, there were no options. I got really fucking sick, and it scared me, cause I figured my heroin would come the next day, or the day after that, and I'd do it, and then hafta get on a plane dopesick and go home to my parents claiming to have the flu. Deep down I was hoping it wouldn't come and I'd just hafta be cut off from drugs and maybe actually have a chance at getting clean (because I felt like my willpower was shit). So it didn't come, I started to feel much better very quickly (probably because I wasn't using very longterm, I just got on hard pretty fast), and I go home for two weeks. I felt awesome to be living clean and was pretty committed to sticking with it. But then sometimes I would remember those packages of H i had been waiting on, and how they're prob gunna be waiting at my doorstep when I get home.

So I get home, and my gram of H is there, and I think fuck yeah, now I've been clean for almost 3 weeks, I'm over the physical dependence, got a gram of H already paid for, I can finally go binge and get loaded without the stress of addiction and finances. So I had an awesome 3 days, and then my H ran out, and I'm just not as committed to being sober as I was before. Now I'm just confused. It's been a week since the H ran out, and I just constantly want to do more heroin. I'm lucky because I don't have a local source, and I don't wanna start mail ordering cuz it takes days. I've made two half-assed, unsuccessful attempts at scoring dope on the street in the past week, but gave up, and then was kinda happy I didn't score. But at the same time I just really wanna do dope. Before I cared about my sobriety, and now I feel the only motivators to keep clean are that I can't afford the habit I want, and if I start again it's just gonna be too stressful. But instead of aspiring to make awesome music that will make people happy like I used to, now I just want to make a lot of money so that I can do heroin for the rest of my life without having to stress or be bothered by anyone. Not sure what to do. I've been bored as fuck and depressed and plotting about going to try and find heroin, but I might be better off for the time being if I stay clean. If I really want to, I know I'll be able to get it. I've just been torn. The only time my mind is off opiates is when I'm bonding with a good friend, but I'm pretty introverted and tend to spend a lot of time alone, so I need to figure out how to better manage that time. Plus, I don't feel comfortable telling most ppl about my addiction, and I only get comfort hanging with the friends I've been able to come clean to, which are very few. As the title says, I'm confused . Tell me if you think I should stay clean or go score, and why........

TL;DR: I'm 22, went through short but intense bout of oxy & heroin addiction, stayed clean ~3 weeks, "relapsed", been clean for a week now but don't feel committed as I did before said "relapse". Can't decide whether to use or not. Looking for advice/suggestions, thank you

 

[thedawn]

I spent my whole adult life on heroin.
think about all the good things in your life.
you will lose all those.
heroin is the drug of loss.

 

[manboychef]

Hey, hang in there. I know full well what you are feeling. It is hard to face life without it, when you have had life with it.

You are at a crossroads right now. Do you go straight (which by your post, you seem to know its the best thing for you), or do you continue to romantacise your drug use till you convince yourself to keep having one more, and just one more.

I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you what happened to me. I chose to keep doing one more and one more...that turned into years of use in which I slowly lost everything. My friends, family, possessions...but the worst thing I lost was the pieces of myself that made me a decent man.

If you don't want to end up there, try your hardest to stop. Fill your time with other things you enjoy. You may have an addictive personality...be careful.

 

[shampoo]

Thanks for the quick responses. It means a lot to me to get responses from people like you. I mean yeah, I was only using hard for like 3 months which doesn't seem like a huge deal, but from what I went through I know that if I keep going it could ruin the rest of my life. The weird thing is that doing heroin for the rest of my life sounds appealing sometimes. I'll have this fantasy of being able to do heroin for the rest of my life, but it doesn't involve the stress over money or scoring drugs, or the loneliness and guilt I feel when I choose drugs over other paths in life. I guess in reality it will really never work out that way though, which is why I'm thinking maybe I need to stay clean.

That's where all the confusion comes in. I fucking love doing opiates, and they make me feel awesome, and I do not intend to hurt anyone else through using. Plus if I'm just gonna die one day why work my ass off for an average life when I can have heroin, do nothing and feel fucking awesome all the time? That's what goes through my mind. But in reality if I use, I will get lonely, feel guilty, and constantly stress over drugs and money. It never works out the way I plan, and it's so cruel. I wonder if all the shitty aspects of opiate use would exist if they were legal, more readily available, and socially acceptable. Why can't I just hole up in my room, not bother anyone, and get loaded til I die? But it never works out like that in reality, and I know you're right, if I choose heroin I'll probably end up losing everything. Why's it hafta be this way?

EDIT: I'm really inspired by the two responses I got... I understand you guys chose to keep using years into adult life. That's indeed the crossroads I'm at. I'm still young at 22, and have a lot to gain. I've just tasted the very beginning of addiction and it sucked pretty bad. But I'm still stuck on wanting that opiate feeling, and I do tend to romanticize my addiction a lot of the time. Judging from what you say, it sounds like continuing the heroin use won't be all it's cracked up to be in my head.

 

[ArtVandalay]

I'm a 34 year old recovering addict. I used pod tea daily for many years (and every other opiate I could get my hands on). I was a functioning addict for a long time, but it eventually all came crashing down. I say, quit now while you're young. It's not going to be easy. Get some support- go to NA meetings, meet other people in recovery. I'm on suboxone, you might consider that route if you can afford it. Good luck!

 

[shampoo]

I know about suboxone but I definitely don't need that. I am over the physical sickness. During that part I was actually very mentally committed to getting clean. It's now after a few weeks clean, then a few days binge on H, and now it's been a week since the last day I did H, since then I've been clean of opiates. So it's been about a month since actually going through the H/Oxy withdrawals. I did that cold turkey and it was violent but very short at least... since I had only been using 3 months I figured I should just kick it. I don't think I could handle the long term withdrawals that subs cause. So now I'm just dealing with some boredom, depression, and frequent cravings for opiates. Obviously, I should just keep kickin. But if I were to acquire any drugs right now it would be something that would get me high, not subs... that's the dilemma. Thanks for caring and good luck to you as well if ya need it!

 

[Vaya]

"Heroin is the drug of loss."

*shivers*

Those words really home for me.

shampoo, it's so great to hear you speak confidentially about knowing where it is you need to be, and where it isnt!! Kudos to you; it's only been one week.
Hang in there, brother. I'm a recovering addict, too... I'll be 27 in a few weeks, but wow. So much time... So many opportunities, wasted to the whims of not myself, but those insidious banshee-Sirens screeching and singing in my head.

In all our heads, really. And we mustn't ever - ever - forget how it was in the end.

Being around, and involved with, people who are themselves capable of empathizing with addiction and recovery ought to be your number one priority right now, if I may make a suggestion based off of a decade of weary, turbulent struggle-and-setback.

Don't be a stranger, aye?

~ Vaya

 

[manboychef]

I'm thirty. I have over a year and two months...it was hard at first, but for the first time in the last few years I'm honest with myself.

I cannot stress enough learning to be honest with yourself and thinking it through to the end of each use.

I saw myself in your words..and I wish I could go back and grab myself by the shoulders and say " look ya bastard, do the work. Save yourself!"

So I give the advice to you instead. Change your people places and things. If you aren't around the drugs and the people deluding you into thinking its a good idea your circumventing at least part of the battle. Once you have the itch the battle is never truly over, only easier to fight. I had three years off opiates before and slipped right back into it like an old pair of jeans so fast I didn't even have time to ask "what happened?"

Also, stear clear of all mood altering substances for awile . If you are like me, it may make the craving rats go nuts in your brain.

 

[Vaya]

I cannot stress enough learning to be honest with yourself and thinking it through to the end of each use.

Exactly; I believe that was more elegantly put them I made it seem!
There's a saying in the 12-Step Meetings I go to that says, "We, alcoholics, tend to remember our first drink, and yet - somehow - ward off the memory of our last drunk.

And believe me, With some clean time under your belt, you will be able to step back in order to look, see, hear, smell - [/B] and hopefully be grateful for the many difference between our two lives "then and now." That is, between while we were out there using and living chaotically juxtaposed with a life we might be proud to call our own very shortly.

Insodoing, we get that elusive and inspirational third point of view of our lives we so deftly convinced ourselves that we were too cunning NOT to have; realizing that with time (if we allow for it) we truly are *quite* capable of locating the beauty and profit from all of our lives' pleasures without feeling that painful and illusory obligation to creating our own artificially. There's something there. Something beautiful and unique lies past the fog - the fog That can't help but be unique to each of our situations. We gather to discuss our situations and to unite in the fact that we can all share one sentiment – the fact that until this very moment, That a treasure may be lying out there for us, too, and not just for all those people whom we had admired throughout the years for being successful when we felt quite the opposite.

I'm telling you, as this post may just itself illustrate, this shit can be really, really difficult! It is primarily for this reason that I make the earnest suggestion that you come into contact with real – life people and Avoid isolating yourself like the plague. Pretend that your life depends on it.

You ought not need try too hard that such a scenario might exist. You may already, or will in due time, come to comprehend the immense and incredible odds that you are currently overcoming as a former addict to opiates...
...and, yet, one who made it out alive. Even I didn't have that luxury. I was granted the gift of life twice after I was born, with 14- and 4% chances (respectively) of surviving what my doctor called "...the 'deep space' of what he believed he knew as a doctor about the capacity of the human body to preserve itself - Especially when it's not trying to die...

...or was the mind at work?


That's one for the ages. But I can tell you this: Today, my worst day sober is still better than my last [*cough*many*cough*) day(s) using were.

I forget that, and I don't think I have the fight left in me to reconstruct a life, bonds and my place within the social hierarchy a third time. I'm in the midst of doing it for the second, and already I've lost nearly everything, every achievement I'd reached in my life until my last relapse.

You gotta be amongst those who can truly, truly empathize with you for who you really are, and what you have really been through.
You gotta, my friend. The need right now is more imperative (in my eyes/experience) than ever before.

Much love,

~ Vaya

 

[shampoo]

Cool. Maybe I should try an NA meeting. I've never been to a meeting like that before. I didn't think I needed it, but it could be good. I was kinda using this forum for that purpose, but it could help to get in touch with real life people. I have a lot of friends here, but not very many that I am super close with... there are only a few that I felt comfortable talking to about my addiction. But I definitely feel better with I hang out with a friend and am able to come clean about how I feel. Cravings are still pretty strong but have been getting better each day. Yesterday was pretty bearable, cravings were still frequent but not as convincing as past days. Last night I got in touch with someone who claims to have a powder dope hookup. He said he would be able to hook it up as soon as tonight... That sure isn't gonna make this any easier :/ Of course that would happen as soon as I felt like I was over the hump of the most intense cravings and finally ready to just wait it out and get sober.

EDIT: Thanks so much for the caring and support It means a lot to me and I plan on keeping y'all posted wherever this takes me.

 

[manboychef]

Listen...life is often joyless, fucked up, unfair, and angering. In fact its usually this way. The more you use it just compounds that stuff. Just found out that even though I'm paying massive amounts of child support(basically nearly everything I make) which is causing me to really want to use. I really just want to forget my life for awhile, but I know that feeling isn't real. Its my addict brain trying to convince me that the odds are stacked against me and I should just give up. If I use again that problem will just get worse and worse.

Basically why I'm saying this is because addiction is insidious in its ways. It will sneak up on you and when you least expect it <blame> your right back at bottom, but with less than you had before.

A meeting is a good idea. Look for a sponsor, and remember, if your sponsor isn't helping find another. Good luck.

 

[mrflowers00]

if you feel you truly can't or won't stop using opiates it may be a good idea to find a doctor that can prescribe suboxone/subutex for maintenance that way you wouldn't have to go through the nasty harsh withdrawals of a full agonist opioid when you finally feel ready to quit and it doesn't get you very high so it would be easier to decide to quit

 

[shampoo]

the thing is i'm not physically addicted right now, and i'm pretty much in a good place because i don't have drug connects where i live. it seems like it would make no sense to use suboxone because i'm not going through opiate w/d's right now; i would just end up addicted to suboxone. i know i can mail order dope whenever i want but it's not worth it to me. i wanna be clean, and i can't afford the habit i would want anyways. when i got over my w/d's about a month ago, i felt really committed to staying clean, but then when i used H again after being off for like 3 weeks, i started to get cravings like crazy, and now it's been 9 days since i used, and i'm still craving like crazy and plotting to get drugs even though i know i shouldn't. but i am lucky, because all my attempts to get drugs keep failing, and each time i give up more on using.

like in my last post i said i thought i had found a connect, but then wouldn't get back to me... then, after work today i went to the park downtown in my town, and was trying to score something... i was waiting on a dude to come by when another kid overheard me asking for dope and talked me down from it, which usually wouldn't do anything for me, but he had some really good things to say. i knew i had no business being there trying to score, and it was really cool for someone to take the time to talk to me about it. then it started pouring, and i gave up on the dope and went home. shit like this keeps happening to me every time i try to get drugs, and then i end up being happy that i didn't score. because deep down i wanna be clean. i'm just lucky i don't have connects cuz if i had a bag of dope in front of me i would do it so fast... i know i just need to chill out and give it some more time. my period of using didn't last that long and i should be able to heal quickly if i am patient. i also am dealt a really good hand in life and have a lot going for me right now. i don't feel like i am using the dope to cover up issues so much (besides maybe some minor issues with relationships and such, but that's just a total pity party and i can get over it in a second if i actually think about it instead of using). i just really love the opiate feeling... need to keep myself away from that shit because i have too many good things in life to throw it all away right now.

 

[mrflowers00]

well what i was saying is if you won't quit subs would be a better choice and they do help with cravings but if you can stop using then that is really the way to go it just seemed like you weren't ready but it is hard to quit and having a good support system (mainly people who know what your going through and even better if they are going through it or have gone through it themselves) like family, friends, and AA/NA meetings are a good place to find people who would be more than glad to help you and since they have been there they can usually help more than someone who has never been addicted to drugs

i wasn't saying you should take subs if you are ready to stop getting high i just thought that you weren't really ready and subs are easier to kick than dope

 

[manboychef]

You have a guardian angel my friend

 

[shampoo]

You have a guardian angel my friend

it's really true man. i literally think the same thing when shit like this happens. i'm always noticing crazy synchronicities like this in my life... it's like i was ready to quit, and then slipped up, but the universe is literally giving me all these second chances and telling me to get away before it's too late. it's so ironic how my mood shifts throughout the whole thing. like i'll be all committed to not doing drugs. then i start thinking too much and my mind gets the best of me and i go try to score. then i always get so close, and then i am simultaneously really excited and freaked out because i know i shouldn't do dope but i wanna so badly. then something keeps happening to prevent that, and then i get pissed, then i realize i'm better off that way anyways, and i give up on the drugs and then i'm happy that i didn't end up using. but i know i need better willpower, cuz i can't keep counting on second and third and fourth chances to get me through this.

about the subs, if i ended up using hard again, i would consider switching to them, but i'm trying not to think like that because using shouldn't be an option for me right now. but it's been 9 days since i used, and that was only a 3 day binge after not using for 3 weeks, so i am well past withdrawal, and hopefully will just keep kickin, in which case i think it would probably be counterproductive to use subs to curb these cravings... because at this point the cravings are all in my head. thanks again for all the support

 

[herbavore]

it's really true man. i literally think the same thing when shit like this happens. i'm always noticing crazy synchronicities like this in my life... it's like i was ready to quit, and then slipped up, but the universe is literally giving me all these second chances and telling me to get away before it's too late. it's so ironic how my mood shifts throughout the whole thing. like i'll be all committed to not doing drugs. then i start thinking too much and my mind gets the best of me and i go try to score. then i always get so close, and then i am simultaneously really excited and freaked out because i know i shouldn't do dope but i wanna so badly. then something keeps happening to prevent that, and then i get pissed, then i realize i'm better off that way anyways, and i give up on the drugs and then i'm happy that i didn't end up using. but i know i need better willpower, cuz i can't keep counting on second and third and fourth chances to get me through this.

I always hate telling the story of my late son because I am afraid it will come off as fear-mongering and be discounted as such. But the truth is, you sound just like him in many ways--smart, capable and headstrong. He escaped serious physical addiction and death so many times that he felt invincible and even those of us that lived in fear for him began to fall under that spell. He died before ever seeing 21 and even though his actual death occurred on that one fatal night, the lead-up to it was one long tortuous year of psychological and physical torture. Part of your thinking (I could stretch this out a little longer, I'm lucky, what's wrong with it anyway?) can be a natural part of being young. But the young die every day. Take a look at the shrine here on Bluelight.

I know that you probably won't want to hear what I am going to say next but here goes: you should be open with your family (if they are a supportive family, not if they are abusive or totally dysfunctional). Part of the descent into full on addiction is hiding and secret keeping. The more people you tell, the more you prevent hiding places. You won't necessarily get support from everyone but lying is not good for anyone--it erodes the soul ultimately.

I am so glad that you chose to write this and to open up to this community. I think exploring all the different options out there for meetings and other forms of support are crucial, but Bluelight can definitely be one very strong strand in the net that catches you. hang in there and listen to your best self--he is talking and so is addiction. You have to choose every hour of every day who you will listen to.

 

[manboychef]

^^^ truer words never spoken. Two dogs fighting in your heart. Which one do you feed more?

 

[shampoo]

I always hate telling the story of my late son because I am afraid it will come off as fear-mongering and be discounted as such. But the truth is, you sound just like him in many ways--smart, capable and headstrong. He escaped serious physical addiction and death so many times that he felt invincible and even those of us that lived in fear for him began to fall under that spell. He died before ever seeing 21 and even though his actual death occurred on that one fatal night, the lead-up to it was one long tortuous year of psychological and physical torture. Part of your thinking (I could stretch this out a little longer, I'm lucky, what's wrong with it anyway?) can be a natural part of being young. But the young die every day. Take a look at the shrine here on Bluelight.

I know that you probably won't want to hear what I am going to say next but here goes: you should be open with your family (if they are a supportive family, not if they are abusive or totally dysfunctional). Part of the descent into full on addiction is hiding and secret keeping. The more people you tell, the more you prevent hiding places. You won't necessarily get support from everyone but lying is not good for anyone--it erodes the soul ultimately.

I am so glad that you chose to write this and to open up to this community. I think exploring all the different options out there for meetings and other forms of support are crucial, but Bluelight can definitely be one very strong strand in the net that catches you. hang in there and listen to your best self--he is talking and so is addiction. You have to choose every hour of every day who you will listen to.

it's also true that i sometimes feel like i may be even too smart or headstrong for my own good. one mental component of my addiction was that i was able to maintain high marks in the university i go to, hold down my job and the two gigging bands that i play in. there was a sense of empowerment, or so i thought, in the fact that i could be using oxys & heroin and still go through life without anyone having a clue... i mean i had even hinted at my drug use to my roommates when it started, but when i actually came clean about everything i had done, they had absolutely NO CLUE that i had been using like that. i felt on top of the world being able to manage an opiate habit and still hold my life together, and have no one suspect anything was going on. but that mentality is so egotistical, i felt better than everyone else, and felt entitled to my opiate usage. but it's so fucked up to live like that, thinking you're better than other people around you.

my family is very loving and supportive of me and would definitely still love me the same and do whatever they could to help me if i opened up to them. i won't do it though unless i totally lose control, because right now i have this under control on my own and with the help of friends and things like TDS, and i don't want to put them through the worry, stress, and sadness of knowing their son is an addict. it's not worth it at this point because i think i have the power to do it on my own. plus i have absolutely no legal record and no medical record with anything opiate related, nor does anyone in my family know that i have abused opiates. i'd rather keep it that way as long as i think i can handle this beast on my own. but i try to come clean to any friends who i know wouldn't judge me, because you're definitely right about the fact that keeping secrets can erode the soul. it helps so much to talk it out with anyone.

EDIT: day 12 dope free, gonna go hang out with an old friend

 

[spyhunter2]

my story is very similar to yours, I was taking percs then graduated to H, that was hell. I have been sober for 2 years and don't want to look back. things will get better for you and you will slowly start getting back those good feelings you had before opiates. It is a struggle but you can beat it. If you ever need any support just message me. I wish you the best.