TDS confused..

budsnbars712

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 15, 2011
Messages
166
Location
NY
I am not really sure where this thread belongs as it really is about just finding myself, and how to go about it......

For as long as I have been alive, I really never found myself....this led me to using weed and now after breaking up with my gf (who i leaned on) xanax. I am a 24 yr old male Security Guard from ny. I sit here and deal with people all day (and have way too much time to think).

When I was in 8th grade, I loved skateboarding, and so did the kids down the block, so I had friends that I was close with because we had the same hobbies. Now life has changed, and those friends are no longer there. It is ten years later and I am an emotional wreck. I wake up everyday from a shitty night of sleep and have to repeat this lifestyle over and over. I have explained in a couple of my threads that I do not look at the glass half full, but half empty....Because of many things in life (family, no self-confidence, no hope, background, etc.). I do have friends, but not VERY close ones as I am used too having, or atleast the girlfriend, which I am also used to having. This leads me to overthink every day of my life. It leads me to over-think so much that I was prescribed xanax for it. I am clearly depressed as one can just tell from reading the beginning of this post. For a while, I thought I found myself as I liked being a skater and what not.....but now I am grown up and have to find where I belong in this adult world. I over-think EVERYHING negatively and say nahhh, not for me (when it comes to life, job, career).....

I seem to chase everyone in my life away as I am not independent at all and look to people for help and advice and then RELY on them and scare them away. I try and talk about with my friends, but they only listen so much before they realize that I am not even doing anything to help myself, and they think I am just a pity party (which I am, I recognize the problems but don't deal with them, and live with ULTIMATEEEE guilt). Just like my girlfriend who finally broke up with my after 7 years (who most likely just was afraid herself of ending it earlier). I have no male adult figure in my life as my dad passed when I was 17, and even before that, I only saw him every other weekend, and did not bond fully.

I bounced around from groups of friends to groups of friends but never really became close with any of them. One group of friends I do call "my" group as they accept me, but do not make it a point to call me all the time to go out or any of that. Maybe because I am a downer (you wouldn't know I am a downer until I open up to you).

The point is, I am severely depressed, to the point of just wanting to get up and leave work or this area in general or maybe just even life! (but I don't because I over-think)

I am clearly in need of some help and I know I am in a cycle that won't change unless I change it. I need a different perspective before I do anything. Otherwise, everything fails. I go to the gym and work and that's it for the most part. And I have to PUSH through the gym as I never have motivation or ambition to do it. I just look at it as bettering myself, but its false, because it is only the outside of my body that the gym works on.

In HS when I first met my gf of 7 yrs, I had a epiphany where my whole perspective on life changed. I was not depressed for a couple of months. I was out and about and had a great outlook on life. I wanted so bad to stop smoking weed and I did, because I wanted it. It was probably the best time of my life, but I had many of friends then (gf as well), was still in HS. Once, I started smoking again, I started looking at myself negatively again. Maybe it's pot that keeps me like this? But how would that make sense as I smoke once a day now, compared to all day and made it my life back then.....

Any advice or different perspective from anyone else would be amazing....Also, I was considering trying a psychedelic like mushrooms as I hear they can change your perspective on life big time. I am going on a cruise with my mother and sister in two weeks. It will most likely not be fun for me as I am do not club, gamble or open up enough to have fun as it is almost impossible for me. I was thinking about putting my two week notice to quit my job right now so that when I come back from vaca, I have no job. Sounds good, and bad in my head. Good in the sense that I will have no responsibility when I come home from the vacation and maybe have a different mindset to start over, or something new....I also will not have any access to marijuana for these 7 days which might help or might not....

Any advice and thought are greatly appreciated.....
 
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you seem to know that you have a problem and that problem might be depression. armchair psychology is easy but, as somebody who has been diagnosed with clinical depression, i'd say you may be suffering from depression.

you also seem to know that you need help. with things like this help really can help. what resources are available to you? do you have medical insurance? can you find a professional who can help you? if you have no insurance, there may be free resources available to you from the city, county or state in which you live. investigate that?

good luck.

alasdair
 
^ i tend to agree. in my experience, psychedelics amplify and intensify feelings and thoughts i'm already having. if you are struggling with depression, you may be overwhelmed and terrified, rather than finding the clarity or insight you seek.

alasdair
 
good advice.

depression and psychedelics = bad and traumatic trips.

more harmful than good
 
I dunno, tripping while depressed/undergoing active suicidal ideation always sorted me out for a month or two. It may or may not have lasting positive/negative impact, but I definitely do not consider depression to be contraindicated with psychedelic use.

Most importantly, cease all cannabis intake and see how it affects you. Once daily use is plenty to fuck you up, if you're the kind to get those effects from it. Also, benzo use has been known to cause depression.
 
Hmmm....I'm not sure what forum this would best fit in. Maybe the darkside, though the forum is oriented more toward the dark side of drugs, not life in general. I'll try moving it there.

ebola
 
I take xanax to counteract my depression. Or whenever I feel self conscious and begin to overthink. Or whenever I just overthink any situation negatively and I need my brain to relax in general. I take about 2-4 mg's a day on average. I try to stay on it all throughout the day without taking more than needed unless I just say "fuck it" and want to relax and not have a worry in the world (mainly on the weekends). So to stay on it all throughout the day, I split it up and take .5 mg's about every three hours or so.......I know it is recommended that I take a longer acting benzo instead, but I am already on this for two years and I do not want to switch now, just to be hooked on another. Might as well stop instead (which I do and don't want to do)..

Cannabis I have been smoking since I am 14 years old. This is when my situation in life started getting worse. My perception of reality was just not there and I kind of lived (and still do) in a box in my own head. Like I am living in a dream almost or an alternate life. Seems to be really hard to explain. Definitely made my confidence worse as I was always thinking people were looking at me when I was stoned and what not...but now I don't think that at all when I smoke. I just have a hard time dealing with life I guess, and now it is 1000 times harder as I dug myself into a ditch. I did not follow my dreams (didn't care about school, didn't take advantage of my best yrs of life 18-24{Now}) and now I feel hopeless.. The heart of all of this having the confidence the size of a bug. Since about 13-14, I have had very low confidence which I have been trying to work on by going to the gym which works to a certain point...but that is it. It works to a point, and nothing more. Nothing will until I fix the core of this.....

Now I am confused about the insight of using mushrooms. I have seen people take them and just look at life from a different light after (not like a fucking hippie, but just more open and happy). I have also seen people just take them for fun and it did not seem to change their aspect of life so much...So I am still lost about that. Thanks for all insight!
 
I'm in the exact same position. I cant stand life and it is a chore just getting up everyday.
I've decided to go back to school now at 28. Seriously man, go now- don't wait as long as I did you'll regret it
 
DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB!

if you are unhappy with your current job, find another job and once you have secured another job, then quit your security job

believe me, nothing exacerbates depression more than sitting on your ass all day
 
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