takeitpersonal
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 30, 2012
- Messages
- 16
hey,
tl;dr agreed with ex (4ish month relationship, split year ago) to be fuck buddies, have let it become more than that, i don't want relationship, she cares a lot about me, she's insecure and turns any little criticism or not wanting to do what she wants as a personal insult and gets mad but denies it, thinking to just be a friend to her and end the sex.
so a couple months ago i got back with my ex, after about 1 year apart. i don't want a romantic relationship beyond sex with anyone at the moment. i know it was a bad idea for both of us to see each other again, but i called her to get some h as i'd moved and knew no one else who could. i am totally over her in a romantic way, but obviously, she is still attractive, the sex is still good, and i like spending time with her (as a friend) when we aren't arguing because i like her personality. she knew i started shooting since we split, so agreed to get me some h if i shot her up (she said she only wanted it once). she came over, we got talking and agreed to a purely sexual relationship, i made it clear i didn't want anything more and would never get back with her, she said she wanted the same.
when i was with her it was loads of drama, because she is insecure, so thinks any criticism or asking her to leave, or not wanting to see her right NOW, or not doing what she wants etc, is a direct attack on her. i.e., i call her out on something and she goes "oh i ALWAYS make mistakes, i never do anything right, you don't care etc etc". i think some of it was insecurity, some of it was emotional manipulation (e.g. i don't do what she wants, she gets upset, so i do what she wants so shes not upset anymore). but of course she calls me crazy for suggesting she manipulated me, and she never admits to doing something wrong. when we were together, i ended up letting her walk all over me because i didn't like her being upset and thought she would leave me if i did.
it's a similar thing now (surprise!). we talked before we first hooked up this time around, i made clear that it's just about sex, that i care for her as a friend, but not romantically, and never will again. she said she was ok with that (even said "what? you mean you can't handle just sex?") but i thought she wanted more. predictably, it got more involved, hanging out a lot, doing drugs (heroin), going out. i let it slip beyond just sex because i like her a friend, i still don't want a romantic relationship, but since we hooked up its obvious she still cares about me romantically. so it doesn't seem appropriate to hang out as well as sex.
it's getting really difficult to deal with her insecurities. whenever i have a problem with something she's done, or ask her to leave, or don't want to see her, or don't want to do something, she takes it really personally, saying i don't care about her (which i do, as a friend), that i'm just using her (which i am, we both agreed to that.) etc etc. afterwards she won't admit she reacts this way. it feels to me that it's sometimes insecurity, sometimes manipulation.
this results in her calling me cruel, selfish, not caring, boring, evil etc. i never call her names, just lay out the issue i have with something she's done or whatever, and ask her not to do it. to me, that should end with "oh, sorry i won't do that again" i'm not making excessive demands or whatever, and it's not that big of a deal to me, i'm not even that annoyed by it but instead she ALWAYS ends up calling me names and getting really upset, which makes me more aggressive because from my perspective, it's a simple thing, but she turns it into a massive argument, in which i am always the bad guy. i admit, sometimes i do the wrong thing, just like anyone, and move on, but she just can't admit "i did this wrong, i'm sorry" instead "i never do anything right do i?! i always make mistakes! why do you even care about me?! you don't care! don't lie!" and it's difficult to remain calm with someone shouting in your face like that when it was only a tiny thing to begin with.
she also keeps pointless things secret, which riles me up, and to me it seems like she knows this and just does it to get me annoyed or manipulate me. for example, she asked for the address of this website (bluelight) because she wanted to "ask a question". i assumed it was about how to shoot up (i've been shooting her up, yea i feel guilty about it but don't want her to learn herself and overdose thru inexperience, or fuck up her life), so asked what it was but she wouldn't tell me, claims it's "nothing", so i got angry because i was worried she'd overdose (she has low tolerance, but i'm always there if something went wrong) or become consumed by her addiction. to me that seems reasonable right? she replies "i don't have to tell you everything about my life" which is obvious, i don't want to know everything about her life, but she must know how it looks, why keep it a secret if its "nothing"? she knows i'm worried about it, why keep me worried if it's nothing, unless she's trying to manipulate me? if i was in a similar situation i'd understand and just tell them to calm them down. she's even insulted by my worry that she'll be fucked by heroin "because i'd never let that happen", she doesn't seem to realise no one plans to be fucked by their addictions.
she also says that "i don't let anyone treat you with the disrespect you treat me with" which i know is BS. she has an ex (before me, who is currently living with her, paying no rent) who walks all over her, but the moment i do something she doesn't like i'm suddenly an evil monster who doesn't care. her words and behaviour are different, she says she doesn't want to walk all over people and is fine with not always doing what she wants, but gets upset if you do anything she doesn't want (e.g., not seeing her that day, not shooting her up right NOW) but won't admit it. she says she doesn't mind a purely sexual relationship, but get's upset if you don't want to go out somewhere, and accuses me of using her.
it's getting a big issue for me, and that sucks because i really do care for her a lot (as a friend). it's her reactions because of insecurity that are the only thing pushing me away if you get me? other people who really care about her have been pushed away because she thinks everyone is out to use her, without realising some people really do care about her.
anyone have any advice to offer? i'm thinking of ending the sex thing because i feel she can't handle that, and just being a friend to her, because i value her friendship over the sex.
tl;dr agreed with ex (4ish month relationship, split year ago) to be fuck buddies, have let it become more than that, i don't want relationship, she cares a lot about me, she's insecure and turns any little criticism or not wanting to do what she wants as a personal insult and gets mad but denies it, thinking to just be a friend to her and end the sex.
so a couple months ago i got back with my ex, after about 1 year apart. i don't want a romantic relationship beyond sex with anyone at the moment. i know it was a bad idea for both of us to see each other again, but i called her to get some h as i'd moved and knew no one else who could. i am totally over her in a romantic way, but obviously, she is still attractive, the sex is still good, and i like spending time with her (as a friend) when we aren't arguing because i like her personality. she knew i started shooting since we split, so agreed to get me some h if i shot her up (she said she only wanted it once). she came over, we got talking and agreed to a purely sexual relationship, i made it clear i didn't want anything more and would never get back with her, she said she wanted the same.
when i was with her it was loads of drama, because she is insecure, so thinks any criticism or asking her to leave, or not wanting to see her right NOW, or not doing what she wants etc, is a direct attack on her. i.e., i call her out on something and she goes "oh i ALWAYS make mistakes, i never do anything right, you don't care etc etc". i think some of it was insecurity, some of it was emotional manipulation (e.g. i don't do what she wants, she gets upset, so i do what she wants so shes not upset anymore). but of course she calls me crazy for suggesting she manipulated me, and she never admits to doing something wrong. when we were together, i ended up letting her walk all over me because i didn't like her being upset and thought she would leave me if i did.
it's a similar thing now (surprise!). we talked before we first hooked up this time around, i made clear that it's just about sex, that i care for her as a friend, but not romantically, and never will again. she said she was ok with that (even said "what? you mean you can't handle just sex?") but i thought she wanted more. predictably, it got more involved, hanging out a lot, doing drugs (heroin), going out. i let it slip beyond just sex because i like her a friend, i still don't want a romantic relationship, but since we hooked up its obvious she still cares about me romantically. so it doesn't seem appropriate to hang out as well as sex.
it's getting really difficult to deal with her insecurities. whenever i have a problem with something she's done, or ask her to leave, or don't want to see her, or don't want to do something, she takes it really personally, saying i don't care about her (which i do, as a friend), that i'm just using her (which i am, we both agreed to that.) etc etc. afterwards she won't admit she reacts this way. it feels to me that it's sometimes insecurity, sometimes manipulation.
this results in her calling me cruel, selfish, not caring, boring, evil etc. i never call her names, just lay out the issue i have with something she's done or whatever, and ask her not to do it. to me, that should end with "oh, sorry i won't do that again" i'm not making excessive demands or whatever, and it's not that big of a deal to me, i'm not even that annoyed by it but instead she ALWAYS ends up calling me names and getting really upset, which makes me more aggressive because from my perspective, it's a simple thing, but she turns it into a massive argument, in which i am always the bad guy. i admit, sometimes i do the wrong thing, just like anyone, and move on, but she just can't admit "i did this wrong, i'm sorry" instead "i never do anything right do i?! i always make mistakes! why do you even care about me?! you don't care! don't lie!" and it's difficult to remain calm with someone shouting in your face like that when it was only a tiny thing to begin with.
she also keeps pointless things secret, which riles me up, and to me it seems like she knows this and just does it to get me annoyed or manipulate me. for example, she asked for the address of this website (bluelight) because she wanted to "ask a question". i assumed it was about how to shoot up (i've been shooting her up, yea i feel guilty about it but don't want her to learn herself and overdose thru inexperience, or fuck up her life), so asked what it was but she wouldn't tell me, claims it's "nothing", so i got angry because i was worried she'd overdose (she has low tolerance, but i'm always there if something went wrong) or become consumed by her addiction. to me that seems reasonable right? she replies "i don't have to tell you everything about my life" which is obvious, i don't want to know everything about her life, but she must know how it looks, why keep it a secret if its "nothing"? she knows i'm worried about it, why keep me worried if it's nothing, unless she's trying to manipulate me? if i was in a similar situation i'd understand and just tell them to calm them down. she's even insulted by my worry that she'll be fucked by heroin "because i'd never let that happen", she doesn't seem to realise no one plans to be fucked by their addictions.
she also says that "i don't let anyone treat you with the disrespect you treat me with" which i know is BS. she has an ex (before me, who is currently living with her, paying no rent) who walks all over her, but the moment i do something she doesn't like i'm suddenly an evil monster who doesn't care. her words and behaviour are different, she says she doesn't want to walk all over people and is fine with not always doing what she wants, but gets upset if you do anything she doesn't want (e.g., not seeing her that day, not shooting her up right NOW) but won't admit it. she says she doesn't mind a purely sexual relationship, but get's upset if you don't want to go out somewhere, and accuses me of using her.
it's getting a big issue for me, and that sucks because i really do care for her a lot (as a friend). it's her reactions because of insecurity that are the only thing pushing me away if you get me? other people who really care about her have been pushed away because she thinks everyone is out to use her, without realising some people really do care about her.
anyone have any advice to offer? i'm thinking of ending the sex thing because i feel she can't handle that, and just being a friend to her, because i value her friendship over the sex.
