Conflicting feelings when I am high and when I am sober, what do I do?

[sunnycidal]

I wasn't really sure where to put this and I apologize if this is a huge post.

My friends and I are a group of guys who have been chilling together for a couple of years and we enjoy smoking stupid amount of weed together. Anyways, there's this one guy (we'll call him JAY) who I've been really close with over the last year or so.

Recently, he's been acting pretty weird. He rarely answers my texts/calls and if he does miss them, he never returns them. It's gotten to the point where I only end up seeing him once a week if not less, when a year ago, we used to chill almost every day. We live pretty far from each other, it takes me an hour to get to his house (I don't have a car) and I never really minded going to see him up until recently. The fact of the matter is he has never come to my house and he is never down to meet me anywhere. If we chill, I have to go to his house.

Jay smokes a lot of weed, too much. He spends his days at home smoking weed all day every day with whoever is willing to go to his house. I always thought we were really good friends. This summer I've been really busy with summer school and 2 jobs (while Jay stays home and does nothing). It's been one month that I haven't called him and I haven't heard one word from him, not one call, not one text. I'm beginning to feel like he just doesn't care whether I'm in his life or not, which makes me feel very stupid considering I've spent years going to that kids house, going to countless parties with him, and sharing so many aspects of my life.

I haven't seen him in a long time and I'm really conflicted. When I'm sober, I feel very pissed that he can't even text me or call me to see what's up. Does he even care about me? I feel like it's a waste of my time to be with a kid who won't put any effort into being friends. However, when I get high, all I think about is what a funny guy he is and how much I miss him. I get these feelings that I want to drop everything and spend an hour just to go see him.

I feel very conflicted, I feel like two sides of me are fighting and I just don't know what to do. I'm probably going to run into him sooner or later because we have a lot of mutual friends but is this something I want to invest more effort into? Also, how do I deal with two conflicting attitudes that occur depending on whether I'm sober or high. This has never happened to me before and I need advice.

I appreciate any comments, sorry if this was a long read. THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU ALL.

 

[Pagey]

Go with how you're feeling and what you wanna do when you're sober, of course you feel better about the situation when you're high but in retrospect, the advice my mind has given me while high has never been good.
Sounds like you should have a serious talk with him if you want to keep him as a friend. It also sounds like he has an addiction problem and needs help....though I understand your anger, if that's the case it's not his fault (or only to a limited extent) that he's not being a better friend.

 

[llama112]

There is no reason why you can't talk to him when you run into him. But if he isn't willing to put in any effort to be your friend, and you don't want to be the friend who does all the work, then you don't have to be "best friends" with him or anything. He could be like a party friend only. I have a few party friends, they are cool people, I like to party with them, but we don't hang out besides that.
Do you have more than "friend" feelings for him?

 

[namctx]

Umm... move on?
A: You're an hour away
B: You don't have a car so it's that much harder
C (most importantly): He obviously isn't that interested in you if he doesn't even initiate conversations (sorry but its the truth)

And as to "having a serious talk" with him. I don't know where this could possibly lead to other than an ultimatum of he put more effort in or you'll stop being friends with him. Which who the heck wants a friendship based on an ultimatum. Be friends with the kid and party with him. If he wants more than friends then cool, he'll show it. On his own terms..

 

[Cohesion]

It's good that you can see his nature for what it is.

Sounds like you know what you like about him. Different friends serve different functions ime.

 

[pofacedhoe]

basically stop being so needy- friendships wax and wane and you need to go with the flow and focus on new more interesting people in your life. were you friends with him from some other situation like school or college and now its gone the connection is dying with it...?

we all have friendships we think are meaningful with hedonistic people who couldn't give a shit about you 2 minutes after they last see you. chalk it up to life experience and move on.

also if someone annoys you sober but being high makes you sentimental, go with the sober thought- sounds like your friendship was primarily about cannabis (they tend not to last)

 

[sixburgh]

I get the impression that you have deeper feelings for him than just friends.. either that or you don't have many friends so losing one is a huge deal to you.

 

[thujone]

Sometimes people alienate friends unintentionally. I remember a lot of friends I pushed away when I was depressed and sometimes wonder "what if we were still friends?" out of the blue. I can't blame anyone for not putting their lives on hold for me, so all I can say is let the guy know you're there for him if he needs to talk but turn your focus on the other people in your life. You'll always cross paths with people who are ready to be friends so it becomes a drain; mentally and physically, to invest much time pursuing a friendship with someone who either doesn't value you much as a friend or just needs space to sort out his own personal issues.

I find truth in what pofacedhoe said about friendships waxing and waning. If this friend knows how to get in touch with you, leave it at that. A few years down the road he could very well have his life on a better track and re-enter your life as a much better friend than he is now. If not, then at least you won't worry too much about whatever happened to him. I hate to say, but often it's better that way.