I was delusional after my stay in the hospital, so I guess I need to clarify.
That particular dislocation was the icing on the cake so the speak. It was my confirmation. I've had 3 surgeries on my shoulders to fix the dislocations, but none have ever worked. This most recent one is by far the most intense (6+ hours) and is going to take a long time to recover. They both dislocate and then engage, get stuck, and and cannot be put back in. The dislocation happen so often I put them back in myself.
That event last night was the icing, it was an intense part of the meal, but it is no where near the whole story. For some reason I expected everyone to know the rest of the story, I don't know why. Honestly, if that was my only problem I would be sad, but no suicidal. The cake, the reason I'm so sad and sick of life is because of the other issues and disease that caused all of them. I have a rare and severe neurological disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 20, and I frequently have seizures. I am on a fuck-ton of meds and I still have seizures. The side-effects of the meds alone make me want to die. The seizures make me want to die. A seizure is worse than death. Not only the pain, but the embarrassment. I used to be a charismatic and outgoing person. Now I barely ever go out or hangout with people. I've had too many seizures in public and now I'm afraid. Even when people extend their sympathy, I feel terrible. It's just a reminder of how shitty this disease is. Each time I have a seizure my shoulders are destroyed a little more. On the MRI's my shoulder look like pac-men, with huge pie shaped holes in them. The bone that the shoulders sit in are also shot to shit. Until last week, neither shoulder properly fit, now one of them does, but that's because I had the surgery. The shoulder I just operated on is so fucked up and in so much pain I can't use it at all. The other shoulder is in just as much pain because of the constant dislocations, so I can't fix it until the other one heals.
Oh yea, did I mention I shattered my knee during a seizure? So not only can I not use my arms, but I can barely walk.
Did I mention I got addicted to pain meds because of this shit so I'm constantly under-prescribed pain meds. My life is pain. My life is a joke. When I go out with friends I feel like their grandparent.
So when I ironically dislocated my shoulder while not using a shoulder I repaired due to constant dislocations, maybe now you understand why I want to end it. There maybe people who are worse off then me, but that doesn't mean much. Each situation is different and what may seem worse on paper may actually be easier to deal with.
