So I am 5 days sober and had the urge to document my struggle. I wrote this in one sitting and never intended it to be this long. This was written on a notepad text document and is taken directly from there with no proofreading or editing. So I apologize for all grammatical spelling and other errors to those who choose to read.
-----Part 2-----
Eventually and obviously it caught up to me a few months later. Nobody knew what was going on even my best friend or family I hid it ell. But I stopped paying rent and caring about anything really but scoring. I still stood at the register of my crappy gas station job like a zombie but it was only to punch a clock and collect a check to hand over to some dealer for another day of bliss. But even though I did not consider consequences that does not mean that there were none. When you stop paying rent you get evicted. That is bad enough personally to fail at even the most basic of things but I also let my roomate and best friend down. He suffered for my mistakes. He never even touched the stuff(at least he did not at the time. A short time later I turned him onto it and he is just as bad as me to this day and I will always carry that guilt as well) So he was forced to move back in with his parents for a while. After that I lost my job. I do not even remember why I was probably nodding out at the register or something. I stayed at the girls house I was seeing or random friends for a while. Then the girl realized I was a not good for her and my hook up got tired of giving me freebies when I no longer had income. So I moved back in with my parents but they still did not really know what was going on. The day I moved back in with them I think was the first time I did not have a daily fix since that first night. And that night and the following days were the first time I experienced withdraws.
There are many feelings in life that are difficult to describe to someone else who has never felt that particular thing before. To try to explain opiate withdraw to someone who has never experienced it might be one of the most extreme. Over the years I have had to explain why I was sick to friends or family when it was one of the many times I had run out money and charity or just was trying to kick and they never understand nor could they. Withdrawing from opiates is one of the most painful experiences I myself have had to go through. I have had dry socket from wisdom teeth, kidney stones etc., I would take any of those things twofold over withdraw. Because withdraw is not just about the physical pain... and there is physical pain. But the drastic change in body temperature; one minute you have to cover up with 3 blankets because you feel like you just came in from a snowstorm and the very next minute you are lying in bed in nothing but your underwear with your whole body and bed covered in sweat. The excruciating head aches. The nausea and vomiting. The nagging and ever persistant muscle twitching and restless leg syndrome that seems to simply not allow you to fall asleep. Worst of all, at least for me, is the diarrhea if you want to call it that. That word is way to pleasant to even come close to explaining it. I could only describe it as molten lava shooting from my rectum. And I am not talking once or twice a day you almost have the urge to go constantly and as much as you try not to go because you think you can not possibly subject yourself to that pain again. Your body will not cooperate and you will be on the toilet with your ass hole in seering pain at least 6 times a day(on a good day) Dante himself could not have dreamt up a more torturous state for even the deepest levels of hell.
So after experiencing the personal hell of withdraw and staying in my parents guest room for a week straight drinking water and eating barely anything with only cold medicine and tylenol to help with the wd symptoms because I had pawned it off to my parents as just being "the flu or something". So after I got past those horrible first days I realized that as great as it was to get high nothing was worth ever going through that again. So I swore I would never touch them again, and I didnt... for a while. I went to college like I had planned to and was doing well. I still thought about getting high every day and longed for that feeling again but through sheer terror of having to withdraw again combined with being a broke college student with no hook ups. I was able to abstain and not do anything. Eventually that feeling of longing subsided and I was able to go about life without spending every waking second thinking about it. For almost 2 years I never so much as ate a Tylenol 3.
Everything was going well with school and life was back to normal. Around this time I met a girl who I was really into. We had a film appreciation class together and we would flirt with each other and eventually we started hanging out. Well when things got serious and I started staying at her place occasionally I find out that she is addicted to Percoset. She is very embarassed about it she had some car accident and was prescribed them and started taking more than the rec. dose, liked the feeling, and it grew from there to eventually she was running through her 120 10/325's in a week or less. So surprisingly what happend next is I help her kick. She stopped going to the pain clinic (she no longer had any real chronic pain but was still going and lying to score the script.) I had read some things about easing withdraw since I had gone through it before. We tried to taper her a little with her last script but she still ended up wd's but it was made much easier by me setting her up with everything she needed for the Thomas method
and just being there with her for moral support. It was fairly painless considering how bad that it can be cold turkey with no treatment of individual symptoms. So she kicks and does not even seem to have the same desire that I had to get high after the initial symptoms are gone. We are both clean and have that experience in common. It ends up being maybe the best relationship I have ever had in my life to this point.
Somewhere around 9 months later I had gotten a pretty good job and was still taking classes in the evenings. The girlfriend is still a full-time student and the relationship with her is great. I had just bought a new car and was selling my old 92 Subaru Legacy. I put an ad in the local ad bulletin for $1000 firm. Few days later I get a call from someone who is interested. Turns out it is someone I knew from my hometown he knows the car has low miles and has seen it around and knows it is in good condition and agrees it is a fair price. We arrange for him to come pick up the car the next day. The next day he shows up to pick up the car but he says there is a small problem. He could only get $800 cash today. I do not even remember why. He could however give me the $800 today and bring me the rest on Monday(this was on a Saturday if I remember correctly) OR... and this is another one of those moments in time I wish I could time travel back to and slap myself right in the face point my index finger firmly in my past selfs face and loudly and sternly just say "NO!" ...Or he will give me 20 oxy 40's right now. I only thought about how good of a deal that was and nothing else. I mean at this time I could probably get $40 each out of these if I wanted to just sell a few at a time and could have them all gone in faster than I could get a pizza delivered for $30 each. So that is an extra $400 conervatively that I would be getting for my car. So I barely even hesitate I take the $800 and the oxy and sign over the title. The worst part is right before he is about to leave he turns to me and says something to the effect of "If you ever want any more of those I have as many as you need."
So I actually think about who might want these because I really could use the extra money with just buying the new car and the down payment has put a pretty big dent in my savings. -The one useful thing I learned from this particular chain of events/life experience was that an addict will always be an addict.- After I get back up to the apartment nobody is home not sure where Amy was but I was alone in my apartment with 20 oxy 40's. I somehow decide it is a good idea and not a big deal if I just do one. I mean at this point I have only had one significant stint with losing control and it was only for like 3 months and has been almost 3 years ago. So in my mind at this point it was never even a real problem. I mean I was young that 3 months was just a product of my enviroment and I was experimenting, thats what kids are suppose to do at that age right? And any other imaginable justification going through my head. Anyways the devil on the left shoulder overpowers the angel on the right and I crush a 40 and blow it all by myself in one line. Unlike the last time however, after 20 minutes or so of feeling great I get sick. Run to the restroom puke several times in the toilet.
-----End part 2-----
-----Part 2-----
Eventually and obviously it caught up to me a few months later. Nobody knew what was going on even my best friend or family I hid it ell. But I stopped paying rent and caring about anything really but scoring. I still stood at the register of my crappy gas station job like a zombie but it was only to punch a clock and collect a check to hand over to some dealer for another day of bliss. But even though I did not consider consequences that does not mean that there were none. When you stop paying rent you get evicted. That is bad enough personally to fail at even the most basic of things but I also let my roomate and best friend down. He suffered for my mistakes. He never even touched the stuff(at least he did not at the time. A short time later I turned him onto it and he is just as bad as me to this day and I will always carry that guilt as well) So he was forced to move back in with his parents for a while. After that I lost my job. I do not even remember why I was probably nodding out at the register or something. I stayed at the girls house I was seeing or random friends for a while. Then the girl realized I was a not good for her and my hook up got tired of giving me freebies when I no longer had income. So I moved back in with my parents but they still did not really know what was going on. The day I moved back in with them I think was the first time I did not have a daily fix since that first night. And that night and the following days were the first time I experienced withdraws.
There are many feelings in life that are difficult to describe to someone else who has never felt that particular thing before. To try to explain opiate withdraw to someone who has never experienced it might be one of the most extreme. Over the years I have had to explain why I was sick to friends or family when it was one of the many times I had run out money and charity or just was trying to kick and they never understand nor could they. Withdrawing from opiates is one of the most painful experiences I myself have had to go through. I have had dry socket from wisdom teeth, kidney stones etc., I would take any of those things twofold over withdraw. Because withdraw is not just about the physical pain... and there is physical pain. But the drastic change in body temperature; one minute you have to cover up with 3 blankets because you feel like you just came in from a snowstorm and the very next minute you are lying in bed in nothing but your underwear with your whole body and bed covered in sweat. The excruciating head aches. The nausea and vomiting. The nagging and ever persistant muscle twitching and restless leg syndrome that seems to simply not allow you to fall asleep. Worst of all, at least for me, is the diarrhea if you want to call it that. That word is way to pleasant to even come close to explaining it. I could only describe it as molten lava shooting from my rectum. And I am not talking once or twice a day you almost have the urge to go constantly and as much as you try not to go because you think you can not possibly subject yourself to that pain again. Your body will not cooperate and you will be on the toilet with your ass hole in seering pain at least 6 times a day(on a good day) Dante himself could not have dreamt up a more torturous state for even the deepest levels of hell.
So after experiencing the personal hell of withdraw and staying in my parents guest room for a week straight drinking water and eating barely anything with only cold medicine and tylenol to help with the wd symptoms because I had pawned it off to my parents as just being "the flu or something". So after I got past those horrible first days I realized that as great as it was to get high nothing was worth ever going through that again. So I swore I would never touch them again, and I didnt... for a while. I went to college like I had planned to and was doing well. I still thought about getting high every day and longed for that feeling again but through sheer terror of having to withdraw again combined with being a broke college student with no hook ups. I was able to abstain and not do anything. Eventually that feeling of longing subsided and I was able to go about life without spending every waking second thinking about it. For almost 2 years I never so much as ate a Tylenol 3.
Everything was going well with school and life was back to normal. Around this time I met a girl who I was really into. We had a film appreciation class together and we would flirt with each other and eventually we started hanging out. Well when things got serious and I started staying at her place occasionally I find out that she is addicted to Percoset. She is very embarassed about it she had some car accident and was prescribed them and started taking more than the rec. dose, liked the feeling, and it grew from there to eventually she was running through her 120 10/325's in a week or less. So surprisingly what happend next is I help her kick. She stopped going to the pain clinic (she no longer had any real chronic pain but was still going and lying to score the script.) I had read some things about easing withdraw since I had gone through it before. We tried to taper her a little with her last script but she still ended up wd's but it was made much easier by me setting her up with everything she needed for the Thomas method
and just being there with her for moral support. It was fairly painless considering how bad that it can be cold turkey with no treatment of individual symptoms. So she kicks and does not even seem to have the same desire that I had to get high after the initial symptoms are gone. We are both clean and have that experience in common. It ends up being maybe the best relationship I have ever had in my life to this point.
Somewhere around 9 months later I had gotten a pretty good job and was still taking classes in the evenings. The girlfriend is still a full-time student and the relationship with her is great. I had just bought a new car and was selling my old 92 Subaru Legacy. I put an ad in the local ad bulletin for $1000 firm. Few days later I get a call from someone who is interested. Turns out it is someone I knew from my hometown he knows the car has low miles and has seen it around and knows it is in good condition and agrees it is a fair price. We arrange for him to come pick up the car the next day. The next day he shows up to pick up the car but he says there is a small problem. He could only get $800 cash today. I do not even remember why. He could however give me the $800 today and bring me the rest on Monday(this was on a Saturday if I remember correctly) OR... and this is another one of those moments in time I wish I could time travel back to and slap myself right in the face point my index finger firmly in my past selfs face and loudly and sternly just say "NO!" ...Or he will give me 20 oxy 40's right now. I only thought about how good of a deal that was and nothing else. I mean at this time I could probably get $40 each out of these if I wanted to just sell a few at a time and could have them all gone in faster than I could get a pizza delivered for $30 each. So that is an extra $400 conervatively that I would be getting for my car. So I barely even hesitate I take the $800 and the oxy and sign over the title. The worst part is right before he is about to leave he turns to me and says something to the effect of "If you ever want any more of those I have as many as you need."
So I actually think about who might want these because I really could use the extra money with just buying the new car and the down payment has put a pretty big dent in my savings. -The one useful thing I learned from this particular chain of events/life experience was that an addict will always be an addict.- After I get back up to the apartment nobody is home not sure where Amy was but I was alone in my apartment with 20 oxy 40's. I somehow decide it is a good idea and not a big deal if I just do one. I mean at this point I have only had one significant stint with losing control and it was only for like 3 months and has been almost 3 years ago. So in my mind at this point it was never even a real problem. I mean I was young that 3 months was just a product of my enviroment and I was experimenting, thats what kids are suppose to do at that age right? And any other imaginable justification going through my head. Anyways the devil on the left shoulder overpowers the angel on the right and I crush a 40 and blow it all by myself in one line. Unlike the last time however, after 20 minutes or so of feeling great I get sick. Run to the restroom puke several times in the toilet.
-----End part 2-----
