Confessions of a guilty mind

[Ashley]

Hiding in my bed, my blanket kept me warm
Outside in the real world, brewing was a storm
Four years ago, for the first time in my life
I didn't feel alone but ferociously alive

I remember it like it was yesterday, my ear glued to the phone
Talking to my soul mate, not putting on a show
Answering her questions, talking of dreams and hope
The power of an answer, I was too young to know

She asked of me, a question that came as a surprise
Is that cliff high enough, that if I jumped I'd surely die
Childish and innocent I said in my reply
Babe, sure as shit there's no way you'd land alive

How the fuck was I to know, that she would still try
Maybe if I'd answered differently, she'd still be by my side
My beautiful baby Skye, you were too far young to die
Still whenever I think of you, I can't help but cry

These are the confessions, of my guilty mind.

 

[(Wordy)]

A tragic story told convincingly in rhyme (no mean feat!).

This stanza really cuts to the bone:

She asked of me, a question that came as a surprise
Is that cliff high enough, that if I jumped I'd surely die
Childish and innocent I said in my reply
Babe, sure as shit there's no way you'd land alive

 

[Ashley]

A tragic story told convincingly in rhyme (no mean feat!).

Thanks for the kind words. Indeed, it is a tragic story and one that took me four years to be able to communicate effectively.

 

[colicolo]

How the fuck was I to know, that she would still try
Maybe if I'd answered differently, she'd still be by my side

you captured the classic what if that is the haunting feeling of regret

awesome piece

 

[wesmdow]

this is really good.

the third stanza really lept out at me.

 

[ChemicalBeauty]

Gave me goose bumps.

 

[Mehm]

why is this your fault?


I don't think it is.

 

[Ashley]

why is this your fault?


I don't think it is.

A lot of the guilt was the result of not calling her back when she tried to call, minutes before she jumped. We had a fight earlier in the day, over something that now seems so petty. She wanted to go out with her friends on Australia Day and I wanted her to come me with me to a party with my friends.

I don't believe it is my fault, now.

The guilt associated with losing the first person that you ever loved to suicide, especially at such a young age - she was only sixteen, was a big burden for my already confused young soul. That guilt sat in my mind for years.

The endless questions that molest your normal day to day thoughts, what would she be like now? What if I could have prevented it? What if I had called her back?

Even if all I got to say was, "goodbye babe, I love you".

This was the very beginning of my downward spiral.

 

[Ashley]

I really, genuinely, appreciate everyone's comments.

 

[katmeow]

The endless questions that molest your normal day to day thoughts, what would she be like now? What if I could have prevented it? What if I had called her back?

Those what ifs can certainly do your head in

Beautiful piece of writing.

 

[Mehm]

Sounds like a very difficult experience, I'm glad you are fealing better

 

[Jabberwocky]

i understand the trajedy of decision, and the guilt that thoughts can plauge upon a victim and im sorry that you had to go through this, but i am overjoyed that you have come to a point in which you could express them here for us. I enjoy writting as a catharsis.

thanks for sharing.

 

[New]

That poem cut to my core. It just made me think of the very things I've regretted ever doing, and how I have come to terms with the throbbing guilt that I personally have had to deal with.