Complexities associated with opiate withdrawal

[Groundhogdayagain]

Greetings all, I am knew to this sight and I hope I appropriately followed instructions regarding posting to BDD. I believe we are instructed to start new threads. If I misinterpreted instructions, my apologies for whomevers life I made more difficult.

Began using opiates about a decade ago, using OxyContin. It was not prescribed to me but I was at work in severe pain and a coworker offered me one. It's amazing how much that one decision has impacted my life. I am a poly substance user, but opiates are my DOC.

With regards to opiates, I have never been one to use for extensive periods of time. I typically binge for a few weeks on H or OxyContin and get brought to my knees rather quickly and detox using typical methods. Cold turkey, methadone, suboxone. Then go right back.

I was clean of all mind altering substances for 3.5 years and relapsed this past June. In my option I picked up a physical dependence after probably 4 or 5 days of continuous use and my tolerance skyrocketed and in such a short time I was right back to my old opiate intake.

My first question relates to the amount of time, or many times I have kicked opiates. If I say I kicked 100 times, it is really not an exxageration. Life becomes very unmanageable for me very quickly when I start using opiates again. So I am presently caught in this vicious cycle, I suffer kicking for 3 or 4 days only to relapse. Finally I get to my first question. Is it possible that the starting and stopping has produced some sort of kindling effect? In other words, would I have been better off having kicked when I was really willing to go to any length to abstain from opiates? Do I do myself a disservice in terms of going through withdrawal so often, it is taxing, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The above was just some history so that some of you may get to know me.
As I eluded to earlier, I relapsed in June of 2012, went on an H binge for about a month. I did somehow get a moment of clarity (I work in Finance and had access to/managed the corporate line of credit. It would have been so easy for me to steal. Somehow I saw the train wreck ahead.
I was in a position where I could not take time off of work to detox, so I figured the next most responsible thing would be to get on suboxone. In my past, it was something I only used for 3-5 days to detox, this time I went on a low dose for maintenance, 2 mg per day. After about 6 weeks the suboxone would sometimes make me sick and also induce some sort of manic mania in me (for lack of a better description). I have not been diagnosed as bipolar, but I would describe it as a high that a bipolar person experiences. So I quit the suboxone in late August.
Since this time I can't string together more than 3 or 4 days without opiates.
My most recent relapse was today, which would have been day 3 off of opiates. However, I did a taper akin to this:
1- 1/5/12 smoked 10 balloons of very good quality H.
2- 1/6/12 smoked 5 balloons of same H.
3- 1/7/12 snorted 5 30mg oxycodone IR plugged/snorted 7 MS Contin ( morphine sulphate)
4- 1/8/12 snorted/smoked to lower bioavailability 30mg oxycodone IR and plugged one MS Contin.
5- 1/9/12 smoked 30mg oxycodone IR, again to lower bioavailability.
6- 1/10/12 sublingual suboxone 2 mg
No opiates until 1/13/12 evening, snorted two 30mg oxycodone IR. want to slap myself for that.

Please note that I did not really get high, high, and my pupils definitely got more dilated, but no where near pinned. But I definitely feel relief from the Withdrawal symptoms I was experiencing.

No to my other question, I am already panicked as to how far this will set me back? The taper I detailed above was rough and I felt it ( I think I dropped daily dosage rather rapidly). So I actually felt like I was in withdrawal (moderate) while I was tapering. So any insight as to what I can expect from my poor decision making this evening? I personally do not believe they will be as severe ( I didn't do 10 bags of H, but I still used enough to get to feeling a lot better). I think I should stay away from any long acting opioids and just use some Imodium, and a benzodiazepine. Am I definitely starting from scratch again in terms of acute Withdrawal?

Sorry for the long post, but any suggestions or input would be greatly appreciated.

God bless all of you!

 

[RedRum OG]

It's greatly varying from person to person but as a general rule, the more times you kick and get re-addicted, the more quickly you become addicted the next time, and the w/d's are more intense. So yes any dose of opiates, even small, will set you back a little. The bigger the dose the worse the pain, so obviously if you didnt get high wont set you back as much as if you had done enough to nod like hell. But you did it, it's done, back to the waiting game. There are many OTC remedies and other non opioid drugs to ease the kick.

Btw dilation means pupils getting bigger, constriction is smaller aka pinned

 

[Groundhogdayagain]

Many thanks for your reply. A waiting game indeed.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Well - taking the oxy has probably set you back by about a week. I strongly advise that you don't take any more opiates now and call this it. Using loperamide would be the best in fending off some of the withdrawal symptoms, and benzos wil help too if you think you can control your use of them. Considering you have a history of addiction you need to be careful you don't end up trading addictions onto benzos. They are even worse and harder to come off as I'm sure you know already.

It's time to wait it out and see what happens though. Hopefully you should be through the bulk of withdrawals relatively quickly.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

Is it possible that the starting and stopping has produced some sort of kindling effect? In other words, would I have been better off having kicked when I was really willing to go to any length to abstain from opiates? Do I do myself a disservice in terms of going through withdrawal so often, it is taxing, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Yes there is definitely a kindling effect, where withdrawal gets worse every time, but it also gets worse the longer total you have used opioids, so it's hard to know the ratio of each factor. However, one thing to remember is that most people have to quit several times before they succeed, it's extremely rare for anyone to just use for years, never try to quit, and then one day suddenly quit successfully and not relapse. So there are both advantages and disadvantages to having kicked lots of times. In some respects having experienced withdrawal a lot can be a good thing, for example you might get kinda used to it and not feel quite as compelled to use immediately to alleviate how shitty you are feeling, or it might help you remember the reasons you want to stay clean in order to not have to go through withdrawals yet again and not trick yourself into thinking you can use "just one last time" or "just once in a while". But obviously the most important thing is that you MUST work on your mental addiction and learn how to cope with cravings, since that is what keeps you going back to using even after withdrawals are over.

Please note that I did not really get high, high, and my pupils definitely got more dilated, but no where near pinned.

Did you mean to say constricted? Dilated is when your pupils get bigger.

Am I definitely starting from scratch again in terms of acute Withdrawal?

It's really hard to say, but since you reduced your use and it was just that one time of using oxy on the 13th, it shouldn't set you back completely, but it would have been better if you hadn't done that of course. It shouldn't be like starting from scratch though.

 

[Groundhogdayagain]

Yes I made an error, I did mean to say constructed.
I surmise (you know how powerful the mind can be) i am experiencing the very beginning of withdrawal symptoms, albeit not very intense. For me I can typically gauge how intense my kick will be by assessing the early WD symptoms. For example, if I am very polluted on H and carry a big habit, the anxiety, restlessness, etc. is significantly more intense as compared to how I feel now, not carrying a big habit.

Additionally, for me I think a major component of my recent chronic relapses have been the inability to just stick it out, I mean I am usually over the worst each time. However, I also experience PAWS, at least I think that is what it is. Insomnia, fatigue, lack of motivation, gastric issues etc. which for me typically last 3-4 weeks.

Thank all of of you for your responses.

 

[jaspersilence]

One of the biggest problems with relapsing,is the people you know...You have to find a way to rid yourself of all drug connections.I know that is easier said then done,but if you make the effort,the unavailability will help tremendously.I wish you a clean and healthy life my friend,but it's entirely up to you...

 

[Groundhogdayagain]

In my case my relapse was just as simple as being complacent in my recovery. I am originally from NY and moved out to LA to start a new life, rid myself of people, places, and things. They say that when you relapse, picking up is the last thing that happens. I knew I was going down at the same time I knew I just had to drag myself to a meeting and I would have been ok if I shared about it. I feel I made a conscious choice to pick up. I actually went seeking. You are completely right, it is up to me, I have the tools, I can talk the talk, but I have to walk the walk otherwise I will not find recovery again. I am baffled at how progressive addiction is, even whilst in abstinence I believe my addiction was still progressing. It sounds strange, ever hear the saying that when we are in recovery our disease is doing push ups. I truly believe that, having experienced it. My relapse was a textbook example, but it happened for a reason. Today I may not no why, but someday I will.
Thank you for your kind words and I wish you the same.