completely fucked and confused situation

[Shady Kaity]

alright, so i have a boyfriend, Joe, and we've been dating for a year and a half now. at first everything was great, i thought it was perfect. but it slowly got unhealthy. and now i feel stuck. theres no trust in the relationship, meaning he doesnt trust me, he always thinks im doing something wrong, hes insanely jealous, and controlling, for example with my girl friends he'll say its either her or me. if you talk to her or see her or anything ever again im leaving you. or hell subtly hint that he doesnt approve of my outfit because its too revealing or something, when in reality its a fucking sundress.
whenever we argue he belittles me and is condescending. we never do what I want to do, its always on his watch and his ideas. if im on my phone either texting or on the web, every few minutes or less hell be like whose that what are you talking about. what website are you on and why. and if he doesnt believe what i tell him he has to look at it.
another issue that bothers me greatly is that i have a 2 and half year old son, and he tries to parent my son. but our parenting styles are very different and i feel like hes way too harsh on my son so i get so mad at him and that causes extreme arguements between us.
so basically we've just been arguing the last few months, almost everyday if not everyday. and he has a bunch of these little annoying things or quirks that he does like hes very anal about cleaning and ocd and just certain things he does, and they didnt use to bother me so much in the beginning but now they just fucking get under my skin in the worst of ways.

I have been so goddamn lonely for close to a year now because i barely see or talk to any of my friends because he doesnt want me to. I'm so depressed and i just dont know what to do. i know hes in love with me and cares about me and everything and i care about and love him too, but im not sure if im in love with him anymore...i feel so numb when im with him now. I feel stuck with him. so i told him i needed my space for a few days so its been day 4 today

but it gets even more complicated, a few days ago i happened to meet a guy at the store and we exchanged numbers and we immediately hit it off and weve been talking almost non stop. i havent had that type of actual real in depth intellectual conversation with anyone in such a long time it was great. hes great. and he knows the whole situation with joe and all and says hes willing to wait for me and accomodate me in any way. I get really great vibes ffrom this guy, his name is devin by the way. the only problem is, he recently relapsed on heroin since his best friend committed suicide three weeks ago. so i told him straight up i cant have that around me or my son and i couldnt be with you even if i did break up with joe. and if it doesnt stop i may even have to stop talking to him as a friend as ive had a small problem with H in the recent past and want no type of temptation in my face. so i mean thats completely up to him, but i really dont think drugs are him, when i look at his eyes and listen to him talk and hear him open up to me, he really strikes me as a sweet and sensitive guy who just has been through a lot and needs to be surrounded by love and positivity...like i want to get to know him and help him...idk i felt some type of magnetism toward him for some reason or another and not like one where its like hey i could go and use with this person i get some type of an innocent help me im just lost vibe.
idk im a mess and cconfused
someone please shed some light on my situation as to what i should do. please

 

[Stoned Immaculate]

I believe that it would be in your best interest to end things with Joe. What's a relationship if there's absolutely no healthy foundation anymore? It's just going to keep crumbling and cave in on itself. Life's too short to have someone micromanaging your every move. You're a grown ass women and should be making your own choices, not allowing an insecure boy to be making them for you. That's not to say that I think you should jump right into things with Devin, either. Be a friend to him and maybe guide him back on the right path if possible, but I think it would benefit you greatly to take a step back as a single women and regain some independence for yourself. Connect with the friends you've lost touch with in the duration of your relationship. Spend some more one on one time with your son. It's not going to be easy to walk away, but work towards taking back control. It's your life

 

[Shady Kaity]

i basically just broke up with joe actually. dont know how hes going to react or what hes going to do, kind of worried about that part now. and im definitely going to keep it just friends with devin for now to see how things go and def spend as much time as possible with my son and ive already started reconnecting with some of my friends =] i hope it stays as smooth as its going so far....
thank you for your input it was very reassuring to me

 

[Pagey]

^Glad you did that, that's just what I was about to say. Good for you

 

[gforgregarious]

Your description of Joe makes him sound like a total nightmare. It's like he possesses deal-breaking after deal-breaking quality. This may sound blunt, but I wonder about your self-esteem and confidence for you to have stayed with Joe this long. Ditch the mother-fucker already.

<edit: just saw that you broke it off for good with Joe. Excellent>

As for the other guy, I think this is a clear case of wishful thinking on your part. Joe sounds so terrible that I'm not surprised the first guy you've met that has shown some interest in you and you've had a connection with has made you feel all tingly. And maybe he really is good in so many ways, but heroin use on his part, especially given that you struggled with it in the past, is a HUGE deal-breaker.

There are many good men in this world, and if it only took you 4 days to meet one that was almost worth it (but believe me, isn't) just keep waiting and you should be able to meet one who you connect with and is clean. It is very important that you don't succumb to the temptation to start things with this new guy. Right now I'm certain that you're feeling lonely and going through withdrawal (I mean love withdrawal - love is a drug) but be strong!

 

[Shady Kaity]

im trying to be strong, just for now im just remaining friends with him. im encouraging him to cease his use of heroin. So im taking that slow with him and well see where it possibly goes, theres no committments or anything so im still a single woman keeping my options open and starting college in about a week so, well see how everything goes.

 

[Australopithecus]

How come you only decided to leave your boyfriend when you happened to hit it off with another man.

It sounds like you are just post rationalizing something you dont feel right about doing. You meet another man in whom youre interested. You then tell your BF you want a break but not break up yet because youre not sure about this new man keeping youre options open so you could go back to Joe if the new guy wasnt up for it. You get together with this new man, connect, decide to swap out the boyfriend break up with joe. Then you create or exaggerate past sins of Joe as an excuse for what you did, deny intent, and by telling others about it you want to get others to convince you that what you did was correct and youre blameless.

Next you will pretend youre not getting with the new guy well for at least a day or two so you can extra pretend you had no intent and your essentially blameless and its all Joes fault. Then youll get with this new guy.

Now heres the kicker.

Are you really attracted to this new guy or are you merely attracted, deep down, to the heroin, because you know there is the possibility of a heroin relapse if you get with him and just maybe thats what you want and youre setting yourself up for this relapse so that youll be blameless of that too when it happens.

Coincidence is not causality but I would call it fairly strong circumstantial evidence in this case.


Id say you were bored of Joe and bored of sobriety and are seeking to justify yourself to yourself through the next best proxy of convincing others just like those religous of little faith are often extra zealous converters of others to make up for their own lack of belief.

 

[Shady Kaity]

no sorry you're completely wrong. I took a break from joe before I met this guy, I did not exaggerate anything joe had done, and i had a talk to the other guy about how his heroin use had to come to a complete stop. It doesnt seem that it will be any time soon, so Im not currently talking to him anymore.
my point of this post was i was miserable and had been for a long time and i hadnt had the courage or emotional strength to put my foot down to stand up for myself, now i finally have. I need to foccus on my happiness which is what Im doing. Im staying single, and focusing on getting my own self right and steady before i can be in any relationship.

 

[Lysis]

Shady Kaity, I think you know I think this guy is bad news, but I think you should read this thread: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/638324-We-know-it-s-over-still-together-What-now

I don't always like comparing one person's story to another, but you mention this guy being controlling and not talking to friends because he said so. I think sometimes it helps reading others' stories. I think you should read her situation and ask yourself what advice you would give this poor girl. She is going to stay with the abuser, and I think you've gone through a lot of similar issues and still stayed with the guy.

It's good to see you finally getting away, though.

 

[Edvard Munch]

An interesting thing about men who are controlling simply do not consider themselves to be that way. They feel it is completely natural in their roles to press assertions upon what their girlfriends can and can't do. However, it's been my experience in when trying to understand these guys its "Obliviousness" that comes second, and a lack of empathy that comes first. Your boyfriend is merely responding to things in the world that should adapt to him, and not acknowledge things outside of him that are more important than his own feelings. It is important to note that you were attracted to this person because for a small period of time you didn't mind reciprocating love to someone who is stronger and in control as it felt safer and you'll have to recognize the aspects of what first attracted you to him, to now how it's become damaging.

I personally have no respect for these types of people, and while I usually try to give advice that is open ended for another person to choose, I just really think this guy is a garbage bag and people like him should fall off the fucking planet.