So my grandmother just arrived from Seattle and is staying with us for about a month. Well I'm going back to uni in a week so I won't be around for most of it but still, in the meantime I have to share my room with her and spend time with family.
I love my grandmother, she's sweet, but I'm just so not in the mood to see any of them right now. This is my first night at home in...four days. Bearing in mind I live in another country so I don't see them that often anymore. I've just been doing everything I can to get away from these people and now it's even more crowded. And she brings with her the reminder that my grandfather, the one person in my family who understood me and was proud of me, isn't with us anymore.
I don't even really know why I'm complaining about that. So many other things I feel like complaining about right now. Like the fact that my father hasn't so much as looked at me since hitting me and threatening to cut me off financially last week-end after finding me on my computer at 2 am (yes, that's the extent of it). Or the fact that I spoke to my ex last night for the first time in over six months and it's bringing lots of unwanted thoughts back into my head. Or the fact that someone I really care about seems to have disappeared and I'm really worried about him...and care about him much more than I should if I want a shot at happiness soon. Or the fact that I haven't been able to be sober for a single second in I don't know how long, and that I just know I'll go back to shooting heroin as soon as I get back to uni. Or the fact that I just don't want to be alive right now and don't see any kind of enviable future ahead of me.
I feel like going to the top of this building and just screaming my feelings about a couple people, feelings that I don't think I can share with them but that are eating me up inside. And I feel like screaming that I'm a fucking drug addict and just have people know it and accept it. But that'll never happen.
Ugh.
I love my grandmother, she's sweet, but I'm just so not in the mood to see any of them right now. This is my first night at home in...four days. Bearing in mind I live in another country so I don't see them that often anymore. I've just been doing everything I can to get away from these people and now it's even more crowded. And she brings with her the reminder that my grandfather, the one person in my family who understood me and was proud of me, isn't with us anymore.
I don't even really know why I'm complaining about that. So many other things I feel like complaining about right now. Like the fact that my father hasn't so much as looked at me since hitting me and threatening to cut me off financially last week-end after finding me on my computer at 2 am (yes, that's the extent of it). Or the fact that I spoke to my ex last night for the first time in over six months and it's bringing lots of unwanted thoughts back into my head. Or the fact that someone I really care about seems to have disappeared and I'm really worried about him...and care about him much more than I should if I want a shot at happiness soon. Or the fact that I haven't been able to be sober for a single second in I don't know how long, and that I just know I'll go back to shooting heroin as soon as I get back to uni. Or the fact that I just don't want to be alive right now and don't see any kind of enviable future ahead of me.
I feel like going to the top of this building and just screaming my feelings about a couple people, feelings that I don't think I can share with them but that are eating me up inside. And I feel like screaming that I'm a fucking drug addict and just have people know it and accept it. But that'll never happen.
Ugh.
