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Committing to a relationship under unique(?) circumstances

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xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
1,004
I know you guys are probably getting sick of seeing me being confused all over SLR lol honestly though I'm just new to the whole sober relationships scene, like I've literally NEVER been in a relationship before where at least *I* wasn't addicted to any substances, and more often than not, it would be the both of us. It's just a lot different than what I'm used to! In a great way though, even in the bad times - but it is still confusing and taking some adjusting to, and I guess I have a lot of questions!

Well this is a lot more personal than what I usually post. My boyfriend now (we worked things out!!) was engaged, and his fiancee passed away VERY recently. Like, four months ago recently. I have tons of sympathy for his situation and I very much respect her memory, but the event has somewhat been the elephant in the room up until now. We both knew it would come up eventually though, and last night it did. He learned some new information about what happened and was extremely upset. I let him vent to me about it for a few hours, and I guess I didn't fully understand the reality of the situation until then because I never knew it was something that still bothered him so much... I mean, he just doesn't act like it. At ALL.

Well until last night. When I finally, FULLY realized that in reality, three months is not enough time to move on after the death of a fiancee. I mean, considering how upset he was last night... and how every once in a while when someone pulls him into conversation about it, he often says, "As much as I wish things were different..." or something along those lines. Today we had a short conversation about it and I brought these feelings up, and somewhere along the course of the conversation he told me that he still loves her and didn't deny it when I suggested that given the choice between the two, it would still be her. I was trying to illustrate the fact that maybe he needs to take some time, just so that he's SURE he's ready to be in a relationship, because he can't love two people at the same time and fully devote himself to the person he's with. However, he is in COMPLETE denial about this. He tells me he knows there's nothing he can do about it and that he distracts himself with things and so he needs to move on. It's just that he doesn't quite get that KNOWING he needs to move on and actually having done it are two different things. Plus I'm only human and part logic/part emotion tells me that I'M probably one of those distractions, knows that his distractions have prevented him from even being able to BEGIN the process of moving on, and, yes, is somewhat hurt by the fact that he told me he wishes things were different. I mean, I understand it completely, but... maybe I'm wrong in being hurt by that, I don't know. But it just is what it is.

How do I eloquently make him understand this? I really don't think he's ready to be with me. I do believe he believes he loves me, but it's a distracted love at best... if that makes sense. I care about him immensely, and I know my love for him is real. I lost someone I cared about very much too once. It was a long time ago. But in my situation, if I was given the choice, I wouldn't choose that person anymore. I still have love for him, but I'm not IN love with him. I've moved on. I'm ready and capable of loving someone completely and with all my heart. My boyfriend isn't there yet, but he doesn't see that, and I know he will have to come to that realization sooner or later. Honestly, I'd rather it be sooner than later, so that he has time to think about what HE really wants to do. That way, should he decide he just isn't ready at all, it's still early enough that I feel we can go our separate ways without anyone feeling like TOO much time was wasted or TOO heartbroken.

I just want us both to be happy. Him and me. I would love it if we could find that happiness together... I mean I feel we have it now, but to KEEP that happiness would be great. But if that's not what's going to make HIM happy, what's the point? I'm willing to work through it with him, even if it hurts me sometimes to hear what he's saying. Or I'm willing to let him go, be it just a little while or permanently. Yeah I guess either way, I'm going to be hurt and I kind of lose. But that's overridden by the fact that I COMPLETELY understand how hard that type of thing is, and I completely respect any decision he feels he needs to make for himself.

But my question is... how do I make him see that he isn't fully capable of loving me yet... but at the same time, let him know that even though it hurts me, I'm willing to work through it with him and make things work if that's want he wants? I'll stick by his side through all of it. I WANT to. I will gladly wait, and I know it might hurt me sometimes, but I know the end result would be worth it. But at the same time, I get it that sometimes that's one of those things you need to do alone. And should I even TRY to make him realize these things and come to a decision? Or should I wait for him come to a decision on his own and see what happens, even though that route has a very great likelihood of hurting me more than I'm willing to put myself through?

See? I'm just always so confused and over-analytical haha. I seriously wonder sometimes if I will ever get this right... lol
 
i think you're just confusing yourself. Take it easy and let things unfold on their own. I notice a recurring theme in that you desire to have a sense of control in these situations, to know what's going on and what to expect or do. I think this is a carry over from being a drug addict. Don't try and force things. If you were the one who asked him if he would rather be with his dead fiancee or you then that really shows you have an issue here. You should not ask questions like this. He will likely love her forever, what did she do wrong? However this love is not exactly the same love you have for your significant other in life. This is the kind of thing that will scare almost any guy off.

try not to be so sensitive. I suggest to stop obsessing over feelings and being so insecure. Let things just happen. There is no getting this right, at all, the quicker you learn this the better your relationship will be. Seriously, sit back and let it happen and stop questioning him. You are just so ready for something to go wrong that you are going to end up making something go wrong.
 
Wow that's sad he lost her- what did she die from? My fiance got killed while driving drunk when he was 25. Friends tell you to move on and all the platitudes to make me feel better. Honestly, I think it's too soon because he's still processing this tragedy. It takes time to get over the death of a loved one. Everybody's different but jumping into another relationship might not be the best way to heal. Keep in mind he is going through a transition and naturally he misses her.

I hate to see you get hurt but you can't expect him to just stop loving her. It's way too soon. The only advice I can give comes from my own experience. Just be a friend when he needs you. Don't pressurize him because he will resent it, even if he doesn't say it. Has he been to grief therapy? That might help him. They say time heals but it took me a while before I was even ready to date again.
 
I don't think I'm being insecure, at least not in this situation. I'm only looking at the facts he's given me and thinking logically. Like I said, I've been in his position. I KNOW that three months is not sufficient enough time to move on and that you can't love two people at the same time. I'm really not trying to force anything other than for him to realize these things, because he's in denial about it. The situation was brought up in family group I guess and he called me afterwards extremely upset and wanted to talk about it. I just listened, let him vent, and offered up what advice I could. I NEVER asked him to choose, or even what his choice would be. He offered that information all on his own. What I said in my first post is that I told him that I know he still loves her and that he would choose her if he had the choice, and he didn't deny it, but I also said I understood him feeling that way completely. I wasn't saying that to him as a way to gauge how he feels about me or for any other selfish reasons. On the contrary, the whole reason I told him that was to try and make him understand that he hasn't moved on the way he thinks he has. Trust me. I completely get where he's at, I understand it, and I'm okay with it. Of course it hurts my feelings when he says things like, "I wish things were different", because that's more or less telling me that he would rather me NOT be in his life. I'm only human. Do I act on those hurt feelings though? Or tell him that it hurts my feelings? No, of course not. Because he has every right to feel that way, and I know that. The real problem here is that I know where he's at better than he does because he refuses to deal with it. He HONESTLY feels as though he has moved on to a great degree, but in reality the opposite is true. He would be content to keep distracting himself, but that is no longer an option for him because now the rehab he's at is forcing him to face it head on.

Like I said. I will stick by him 100% if he wants me to, even if he's still completely in love with her and can't love me, for as long as it takes. I'm willing to do that... but ONLY if he wants me to. If he wants to deal with it alone and try again in the future, I understand that too. If he decides he's made a huge mistake by rushing into this before he was ready and that there's no fixing it, I'll be understanding of that as well. I'm being extremely selfless in all of this, but I can only be that way to a certain degree. I mean... is it really too much of me to want to know what my role in this is? Because if I AM playing the role of "distraction", I at least want to know that's what I am to him right now.

Please realize it's NOT just myself I'm trying to protect here. It's him too. He needs to move on in order to heal from this, and after hearing him say all of those things last night, I've realized that I could very well just be standing in the way. Maybe that's selfish of me... to not let him use me as a distraction if it makes him happy... but I can't help but think that this kind of distraction is unhealthy, not just for him and the necessity of moving on, but for me too - I DO have feelings for him, strong ones - and that it will eventually blow up in both of our faces.

T. Calderone, I completely agree with everything you said. 100%. I've been where he's at, trust me, I KNOW. I am already aware of all of it. I know his situation better than he does at this point. But that's the problem... I realize all of those things. He is the one who doesn't get it yet. He hasn't been to grief therapy. He's only been distracting himself from dealing with any of it. I really am not trying to force things, or create problems where they don't exist. This is something that's going to come up in our relationship a lot in the near future, and I believe a lot of conclusions are finally going to start being drawn on his end, and I'm just trying to prepare myself for anything that may happen. As of Thursday, the rehab he's at has begun taking steps to FORCE him to deal with it. He's going to have to whether he likes it or not. The only reason this is coming up now because it needs to be addressed. I'm in a relationship with him, and I know at least that I am in love with him... so whatever conclusions he ends up coming to... well, some of them might not be in my favor, so this does affect my life as well. Not just his. Which I'm fine with, like I've already said, but I just need to know. I'm so afraid he's going to end up resenting me.

I mean. After my ex-boyfriend died, I too jumped into a relationship to try and distract myself from all of the pain I was feeling. I thought I could... not replace him, but find someone to replace the way he made me feel, and that if I could do that, I would be healed. That's not the right way to think, but that's how I was thinking at the time and that's how my boyfriend is thinking now. Well, what do you think happened with the guy I more or less used? I'm not proud of it, but I basically just bailed on him one day because I grew to resent him so much. After a while, when reality finally began sinking in, I didn't see him as someone I cared about anymore... I only saw him as an obstacle to my mental health and capability of moving on with my life. Of course, in retrospect, I know none of that was his fault. That was my own head messing with me. He did all the right things and said all the right things and was very understanding, but without meaning to, I had forever connected him with the death of my ex-boyfriend. It didn't take long after reality to set in for me to see him as something toxic in my life, even if those were never anyone's intentions.

Do you see what I'm saying? I've already lived this. I know how the story likely ends. It ends with one person gaining a resentment and another one gaining a broken heart. That's no good for either my boyfriend or myself. I don't want to force anything... those aren't my intentions either... I only want to make him understand at least SOME of these things before it becomes chaos. Which, believe me, it will now that he's being forced to deal with it head on. He doesn't GET to distract himself anymore, except with me. I don't WANT to be the one to get in the way of him healing and moving on. I don't want him to resent me for that or for anything else. And I certainly don't want to get bailed on or get my heart broken. I just want him to know, REALLY know, that I understand where he's coming from, that I'm okay with it, and that I will support him in whatever he needs to do in order to move on. I don't want the situation to unfold the way mine did. Or I don't want him to realize this without knowing that he can just be honest with me... although what he really needs is to be honest with himself... and trust that I won't make it harder on him. If he doesn't know that, he might just start to feel bad when he realizes he's not truly ready for another relationship, and the guilt might drive him to do something unnecessary to break our relationship and make it messier than it needs to be. I mean, that would just kill me.

I don't know if I did any better job of explaining myself. I hope I did.

Also, his fiancee died of a heroin overdose. It wasn't so much of an overdose as a bad batch, I guess it was cut with xanax and her respiratory system completely failed, but he didn't find that out until yesterday...
 
I only have a sec but I wanted to reply to this. You've written a lot about his denial about the situation, and you've identified that he doesn't have a lot of insight into where he's at emotionally at, and so on. Considering that, I think you need to consider whether it's at all realistic to expect him to be able to make the kind of decision you're wanting about your relationship. It sounds like he's at a stage where he's completely incapable of doing that.

You write a lot about just wanting him to understand that you understand - I wanted to delve a little deeper into that - what exactly would him knowing that involve? How would he show you that? How do you know he doesn't understand? I'm just wondering whether you feel like him not going to you for support at some level feels like a rejection of you - the thought that perhaps the reason he's not turning to you is because he doesn't consider you knowledgeable or insightful enough about his situation. Perhaps though, he does understand, but he's just not using the support you're offering in the way you'd expect or the way you might in the same situation. I don't know - it's just a consideration. I've noticed how many times you've emphasised you just want him to understand you're there for him, as if him understanding is a behaviour or something he needs to do, rather than him just knowing that and using that however is best for him.

I think that you know something isn't right here - you sound like you've got the gut feeling, and most of the time, I think that should be listened to. I do think that the best thing to do here is to break up for now - but framing it as giving him space to figure out what he wants, without putting pressure on him to make a decision which he obviously isn't capable of doing right now. I think you can let him know that you want to make it work, and will be willing to try and make things work again when he's ready. I don't think he's going to break up with you explicitly though or tell you the reasons why things aren't working. His behaviours seem defined by avoidance - and I think the harder things get for him, the more he'll avoid making any decision or confronting anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. I can understand why you want him to make the decision and tell you what he really wants - I just don't think that's realistic though.

All the best...<3
 
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