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Coming to terms with myself

Ninjetic

Ninjetic

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2004
Messages
1,092
Location
Tejas
I'm come to realize I'm not who people think they know. More like a demonic manifestation of some sort wrapped in human skin in an ill attempt to fool onlookers (if this is drunk?rushed looking sorry, kpins n liquour)
I feel like an alien to this "society" we live in, and i mean that literally. When I'm sober people cant stand me, they prefer the chilled out slow sentence forming individual.

Hate my self, self loathing.....misssed my chance for mannny thingsss


Speaking peoples preferences for my personality; my girlfriend of 4 years wants big changes in my life (like she wants to change who i am, when the place im in (back living in my folks house, with no car) is all her fault, she wasted my time and money, sry pissed off, she cost me quite a bit of cash and heartache).....I've realized I'd rather take my chances in the military. The scary thing is, I feel like im ready for the military.....

4 fuckin years wasted.........and through it all i march on, still hatin myself

Who am i?
 
maybe you do hate yourself for missing chances, you surely have. just as you also will, by continuing to bash on yourself in a non constructive way. you would like to find yourself, this is a lot to take on all at once, you have the advantage of seeing now what you would like changed...

so far selfloathing(which is natural) seems to be a big fuck-up for you, and it is for anyone, but while doing so, and asking+receiving help, listen closely in a 3rd person prospective to your own questions and answers. doing so for myself, really can put things in a new light, and i often will run out of steam, while painting myself into a corner - but - in that corner, trapped by your own Ego and conscience, you have not much choice from there, but to paint yourself any-color you would like, and begin to see which one sticks...

there is no wasting time, it all adds up, ze key! is that, this and any negative time can be learned from, and used as a big-fat-wake-up-call that only you can give to yourself, she, nor anyone is going to be able to change you...we have our traits of personal instinct, they do define they make us struggle and want, need and try, or fail miserably - identify the negative traits, allow yourself to accept them as you, and grow from them. often going straight for the sun-shine we can get burnt...discover you shadow and see yourself in it, then find your personal compass and that from the heart will guide you as you are.


<3
 
Your life is your own you can make whatever decisions you choose. Look at the values/beliefs/goals/etc. that society has and you can ask yourself if that is really you and what you want to fit in with or not. But we can also have a lot of desires that are not really our own but that are just conditioned or just a reaction to other people's demands. If you're able to differentiate that (I don't claim to always be able to) then you'll be able to decide for yourself what it is that you want. And people will probably always have an opinion about what is right for you.
 
Well i think the military might be the only way to deal with what i consider a serious polysubstance abuse problem.i dont know any way to stop myself. ened ed up in my folks house recently and nobody trusts me lol
I've been called a pathological liar, and i cant stand it. this is one of the many reasons (besides unemployment) that i wanna go into military despite being 99% against signing up. i pretty much have no choice and my gf is totally against it. SHit happens.
 
^
Hmm
;-)

Maybe look into the National Guard, I would sign up tomorrow for that, if I was physically capable, you could be diving swimming around glaciers on the north pole doing something like that, not always any kind of fun for sure but, they offer some very interesting opportunities, and more realistic ' real world work skills', out is p/t military, but you could also have a part time job, and school paid for if so desired...i love boats, and adventure;-) so maybe I am making it sound a bit idealistic - hehe.

IDK, look more into it, especially in the morning.

I would be excited for you actually, if the NG did seem appealing.lots to do out there man, shit happens yes, but good shit them had its chance next, and the more you push and work through, the lesser more bad spells seem, and the more appreciation we are able to attain from those, better days its do much more, better.

I really am not all optimism, pure optimism IMO can bare little action, face your fears and notions of hesitence, explore and recognize you high, and lows, what might trigger these polar opposites, find where you stans in between, maybe look into yoga while getting in shape for the military, you will be all you can be ;) on many fronts then.


please pardon any typos and whatnot...I'm using my phone atm...hehe


PS*
May your wishes grow further and more few between.
 
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^much thanks pal, i think u answered all my questions and made a few key points that struck a chord with me
CHanges are gonna happen. things are gonna be different :)

Btw, kinda smashed goin ta bed.
tomorro tomorro tomorro
Il log in n and check this thread

Peace all
 
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yes yes yes!

change is coming -it always does(DOH) ))

there is so much life in the world, it is just breathtaking, like in the frozen waters of the north pole, buried in the snow waiting its turn for spring, to spring. it is everywhere, life is, under our feet, above our heads, in our cereal boxes(!) radiant, trees and grass and bushes all have veins and breath as well, they are alive and feel our energy, we feel their energy also, they help us breath pure air and drink pure water, the plants do..;-)and we, you and i are a part of it!

nothing is more exciting, we are part of the pulse, the world is your drum, make the rhythm for those to follow and those near and dear to get in the skip with too!


lol
i am blowing up, and it is free and real, it is the lust for life catch it man!!!
 
panic in paradise- Shine On u crazy diamond, ur lucky to be rolling (or at least u were when u wrote this post) i envy ur rollingness (i havent rolled in years) I like what what you said. it made me feel better right now
(cuz im having a very crappy month) go away 2011, nobody likes you!

I'm going into some kind of miltarey (my mom keeps telling me either the coast guard or navy, navy gets a sword lol and I rly wants me a sword) the sword is my goal, if i do in fact go into the navy. Saltwater might as well be in my blood, my name apparently means "old man by the sea" lol I'm not old, and i'm no hermit either
 
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lol PIP said they were "blowing up" in my mind that only means one thing...rolling
what else cxould it mean? what other drug can you blow up on?
 
Why don't you just look forward to the future, no matter what it holds in store for you? You don't need to be communicating with your ex-girlfriend either. Talking to ex's is never a good idea in the general rule book of life.
 
Captain Heroin- Duno where u got the idea that i was talking about an ex girlfriend, this is my current gf i'm talking about. i would never contact an ex, thats just bad shit waiting to happen:\
 
Well despite being sober from everything (gasp!) I had a pretty good day today. Turns out my girlfriend would prefer if I didn't have to go into the military, she actually wants me to get a job around town. Its amazing what a little sex can do to change someones mind=D
Vented alot of frustration and rage with my paintball gun (i'm glad i got it working, i do not wanna waste money right now) I was surprised i got the damned thing to work, but I'm still a crack shot despite being so pissed off these days
 
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