Coming to terms with depression.

I'm a 20 year old male. Since I can remember being a teenager I beleive I have suffered from depression or some form of bi polar.

For the last 6 or so years, I have had ups and downs. My ups aren't so manic but i feel 'normal' but my downs and best described as "when it rains, it pours". I've felt like this for so long that it's only been in the last year that I've started to question my mental health. I recently started dating a girl who has been on meds for depression for about 2 years. She described her symptoms to me and I could relate and understand so well it scared me a little but ultimately opened my eyes.

I summoned up the courage and went to the doctor not long after that. At this point I was having one of the lowest points of my whole life, which lasted about 2 months, usually lasting 1 month. The doctor said that what I described to him sounded like depression and referred me to a psychologist. I called him 3 times but each time I couldn't get through. I started to emerge from the down point, with a few draw backs but I am now at my normal state and I can see clearly what was going on in my head.

I would often feel different things but each one was just as draining and tormenting as the next. My head would often go crazy with negative thoughts, I would start to cry uncontrollably, I uncontrollably fantasize about suicide. It felt like I wanted to live but something greater than me was pushing me over a cliff. I would get very irritable and react irrationally and became very close to losing my job, which I didn't care about at the time because it was such a struggle to go to work.

Thats all im going to write at the moment.

 

Interestingly, most of what 'goes on in our head' is completely inaccessible to us. Even when we're feeling really lucid.

Keep trying to get in to see a psychologist. The whole 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' school of treating mental illness is horribly outdated, and completely counter-productive. There is no shame at all in getting help, and while you can make progress on your own, to get past a certain point you'll need help. Not necessarily chemical help (although for some people that works well), but help from a highly trained specialist.

And from the supportive gang at BL of course Have you been to The Dark Side? Lots of excellent advice from some wonderful people who have been in some very dark places at times.

 

Glad your feeling better at the mo Tommy

 

Thanks guys, knew I could could on the BL members to care

I also wanted to say that I often feel like my feelings and thoughts are complete opposites at the same time. For example if someone was joking and called me a dick head, I was think haha he was just joking but I would feel hurt as though the comment was directed to hurt.