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Coming off Invega/Xeplion (paliperidone) injections v 12

KubiKook said:
Ah, both are very pretty names. I really like Larisa, has a nice flow to it. Although being a tomb raider is sweet too ; ) - Anyway, thank you for sharing. My guess is you're young, maybe in your twenties? Dang, I'm an old man, turning 55 on July 13th. I used to look very young for my age, no lines, was always in top-notch shape, boxing & bodybuilding, at one point, I tipped the scales at 205lbs, was pretty ripped at that size too. Ugh. Before this Invega stuff I was 160. Now, I'm down to 140, not really into eating or drinking much, I've mostly been forcing myself all this time.

So, a financier. Wow. I actually did financial consulting for a short stint in my 30's. Didn't love the suit & tie thing every day. Before that I lived in Tampa & owned a wholesale cigar distributorship, made quite a bit of money but wasn't happy in my marriage. I left & came back to NY in 2000. Your aspirations are pretty amazing, far different than my scope of knowledge.

I went back to school in 2007. I had a bachelor's degree in psychology. I got my master's in social work and then did an online doctoral degree in holistic theology, specialized in Metaphysics.
So, yeah, I'm Dr. Dan, Metaphysician ~ Spiritual Doctor, I like to say. It was a lot of coursework in mind/body/spirit medicine & nutrition, religious studies, astrology, yada-yada. I really liked it.

I worked with families in crisis, all sorts of issues, as a therapist for a short bit up in Catskill NY, and then got whacked with really nasty Lyme which forced me back to Westchester County.
I was in & out of work, eventually going on disability. That's when I really started getting into my creative outlets & lots of reading too. Things really started looking up when I moved into
my new house four years ago. I won't get into all that again. Sorry for the long bio.

I'm sorry to hear you were in an orphanage & foster care. I hope you were adopted by a good family. And you get all the information you're looking for with the DNA testing.

Are you a woman of faith, Lara? I lost all mine through this catastrophe. I question all my 'spiritual' experiences now. That's such a tremendous loss for me. Where are you living now? Age?

Alright, I'll stop babbling. Thanks for the back & forth & sharing a bit about yourself. Ciao & Shalom, Daniel David (first & middle - I guess the last name is a bit much in the public domain)?
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By the way, before all this neuroleptic story, I used to play sports too. I loved running. I remember how in my teenage years, during a physical education class, a coach from the athletics federation noticed me. He liked me a lot and wanted me to compete in short-distance races, but my foster family didn’t want to send me into big-time sports. Later, I got an injury (a fracture in my right leg), which kept me out of training for a year. I continued running, but it became just a hobby. By that time, I no longer dreamed of anything bigger. Before the whole Invega story, I also became interested in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (mixed martial arts), but I didn’t have time to sign up for training because I ended up in the hospital and got those damn three injections, which negatively affected my muscle tone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get back to my best physical condition and rehabilitate myself in my own eyes. It feels like a defeat.

As for my age and country of residence — I’m 26, I’m from Uzbekistan (Central Asia, geographically neighboring Afghanistan; there’s even the so-called “Bridge of Friendship” there, but I’ve never gotten into politics, so that’s just an interesting fact). Interestingly, my biological parents are from Russia, specifically from a small town near the borders of Latvia and Estonia. Why my mother decided to travel 3,000 kilometers while pregnant remains a mystery to me as well. As for my foster parents — I was very lucky with them, even though my life can’t be called cloudless. In total, I’ve had 3 mothers and 3 fathers in my life... (that’s a long story; my life definitely can’t be called a peaceful harbor).

Regarding religion. In recent years, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about faith, the meaning of life, and how I want to live in general. And what’s happening in the world is not indifferent to me. I haven’t made a final choice yet and am mostly at a crossroads right now. I’m most drawn to the purity of Islam, but at the same time repelled by the hypocrisy of some of its public (and not so public) adherents. It’s interesting primarily because of monotheism, whereas the concept of the Trinity in Christianity didn’t exist during Jesus’ lifetime, and one could talk about this for a long time. Why haven’t I made a final decision? Because I learned about Sumerian mythology. There’s an interesting hypothesis that it’s the progenitor of the Abrahamic religions, and I also can’t get rid of thoughts about reincarnation and the stars (that’s a whole other rabbit hole). At the same time, since childhood I was taught to love Jesus, and that love hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just that a moment of spiritual crisis comes when the old worldview no longer matches your inner values and guidelines
 
InnerReturn said:
By the way, before all this neuroleptic story, I used to play sports too. I loved running. I remember how in my teenage years, during a physical education class, a coach from the athletics federation noticed me. He liked me a lot and wanted me to compete in short-distance races, but my foster family didn’t want to send me into big-time sports. Later, I got an injury (a fracture in my right leg), which kept me out of training for a year. I continued running, but it became just a hobby. By that time, I no longer dreamed of anything bigger. Before the whole Invega story, I also became interested in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (mixed martial arts), but I didn’t have time to sign up for training because I ended up in the hospital and got those damn three injections, which negatively affected my muscle tone. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get back to my best physical condition and rehabilitate myself in my own eyes. It feels like a defeat.

As for my age and country of residence — I’m 26, I’m from Uzbekistan (Central Asia, geographically neighboring Afghanistan; there’s even the so-called “Bridge of Friendship” there, but I’ve never gotten into politics, so that’s just an interesting fact). Interestingly, my biological parents are from Russia, specifically from a small town near the borders of Latvia and Estonia. Why my mother decided to travel 3,000 kilometers while pregnant remains a mystery to me as well. As for my foster parents — I was very lucky with them, even though my life can’t be called cloudless. In total, I’ve had 3 mothers and 3 fathers in my life... (that’s a long story; my life definitely can’t be called a peaceful harbor).

Regarding religion. In recent years, I’ve had a lot of thoughts about faith, the meaning of life, and how I want to live in general. And what’s happening in the world is not indifferent to me. I haven’t made a final choice yet and am mostly at a crossroads right now. I’m most drawn to the purity of Islam, but at the same time repelled by the hypocrisy of some of its public (and not so public) adherents. It’s interesting primarily because of monotheism, whereas the concept of the Trinity in Christianity didn’t exist during Jesus’ lifetime, and one could talk about this for a long time. Why haven’t I made a final decision? Because I learned about Sumerian mythology. There’s an interesting hypothesis that it’s the progenitor of the Abrahamic religions, and I also can’t get rid of thoughts about reincarnation and the stars (that’s a whole other rabbit hole). At the same time, since childhood I was taught to love Jesus, and that love hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just that a moment of spiritual crisis comes when the old worldview no longer matches your inner values and guidelines
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Oh, you're so young, and on no more meds, I'm betting you can get back to high-level fitness. Wow, Uzbekistan, I think they made their world cup debut this year. Have you seen any of that? Three mothers & three fathers, that's a lot to go through for sure. Sounds like you've overcome a lot. And you're on your way to overcoming this too.

Yeah, organized religion was always unappealing to me. I was into Jesus but not Christianity, way too much hypocrisy, money-making, etc., plus they manipulated the Bible to serve their interests. My Pops is a steadfast believer; I had an experience in Tampa where I felt God called me to go back to NY, work with my father & heal my family. It was so powerful & purposeful. Now, I'm thinking it was my manic brain doing some funky stuff. It didn't feel like it though. I don't know, I hope God is real & there's an afterlife. I don't believe it though. Damn, my father
& I collaborated on so many books & poems & songs, such inspiration at times, writing & singing in The Spirit... Could all those moments be BS? Ugh. This Invega mess has stolen so much.

I wonder where you'll land with your smorgasbord of spirituality. I'm not really familiar with Sumerian mythology. I know they're an ancient people. Is the Epic of Gilgamesh from that culture.
It has very similar storylines to The Flood, right? Who knows what's what when it comes to religion. In Hebrew Daniel means God is my Judge. David means Beloved. I hope both are true.

Anyway, it's time for you & I to go for a run, hit the heavy bag & weights, then the mat for some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and finally, maybe we can relax with some tea & philosophize for a while ; )

Ciao-Ciao.
 
David Hawkins one of the biggest spiritual teacher of mankind calibrates pride at falsehood level and as low level of conciousness and says the higher the level of conciousness the higher level of perception and suprise people who created biggest horror in my life all of those psychiatrist have pride on their faces 😈 "what you reap you sow" ~ Jesus, and they reap creating enormous suffering in others life. Hahaha karma will get them inshallah
 
InnerReturn said:
Thank you for sharing all of that with me, Dan. Please don't apologize for the long message—I genuinely enjoyed reading it. I smiled reading about your life before all this. Boxing, bodybuilding, 205 lbs and ripped, the cigar business, the PhD, the therapy work. That's not just a list of achievements — that's proof that you are a person of depth and resilience. That person hasn't disappeared. He's buried under a lot of weight right now, but he's still the one writing to me with humor about Pizza-Bagels and Lara Croft. The fact that you're still here, still writing, still cracking jokes through all of this — that tells me the spiritual part of you isn't dead. It's just in its own kind of recovery. Maybe it needs the same thing the brain needs: time
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Hey again Lara, thank you for the compliments. I'm surely buried beneath the debris of Invega, somehow still alive, somehow with enough brain function to remember & write & respond, etc.
Hmm... Are you sure we have a spirit? I surely hope we do. Come Quickly, Lord Jesus! ; ) - Yeah, I used to say that a lot in the midst of my Lyme mess. The world surely needs a Savior. And soon.

"...suitcase of memories, time after."
 
KubiKook said:
Oh, you're so young, and on no more meds, I'm betting you can get back to high-level fitness. Wow, Uzbekistan, I think they made their world cup debut this year. Have you seen any of that? Three mothers & three fathers, that's a lot to go through for sure. Sounds like you've overcome a lot. And you're on your way to overcoming this too.

Yeah, organized religion was always unappealing to me. I was into Jesus but not Christianity, way too much hypocrisy, money-making, etc., plus they manipulated the Bible to serve their interests. My Pops is a steadfast believer; I had an experience in Tampa where I felt God called me to go back to NY, work with my father & heal my family. It was so powerful & purposeful. Now, I'm thinking it was my manic brain doing some funky stuff. It didn't feel like it though. I don't know, I hope God is real & there's an afterlife. I don't believe it though. Damn, my father
& I collaborated on so many books & poems & songs, such inspiration at times, writing & singing in The Spirit... Could all those moments be BS? Ugh. This Invega mess has stolen so much.

I wonder where you'll land with your smorgasbord of spirituality. I'm not really familiar with Sumerian mythology. I know they're an ancient people. Is the Epic of Gilgamesh from that culture.
It has very similar storylines to The Flood, right? Who knows what's what when it comes to religion. In Hebrew Daniel means God is my Judge. David means Beloved. I hope both are true.

Anyway, it's time for you & I to go for a run, hit the heavy bag & weights, then the mat for some Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and finally, maybe we can relax with some tea & philosophize for a while ; )

Ciao-Ciao.
Click to expand...
Do you really think I have good chances for full recovery? I don’t know what to think anymore. Every day I have thoughts of death, and they just drag me down, as if they can’t reach any catharsis. It hurts so much. It feels like I’m physically trapped in my chemically damaged body, like in a narrow cage.
What you wrote about Tampa, about working with your father, about the books and songs written in the Spirit — that’s very important. I hear your question: was all of that real or just mania? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that mania doesn’t create anything real. Your books and poems didn’t become worse just because your brain was working differently at that moment. They were born from you. And your connection with your father, your joint creativity — that was real, regardless of the chemistry.
I don’t know if God is real. But I do know that moments of inspiration are real. I hope that someday you will feel something similar again, even if not as intense. Maybe it won’t be in the Spirit, but simply in silence.
Yes, Gilgamesh is Sumerian. And the story of the Flood there is indeed very similar to the biblical one, except the ark is built not by Noah, but by Utnapishtim. Who borrowed from whom is an open question. But I like to think that at the core of all these stories lies something common, something human.
You said that Daniel means “God is my judge,” and David means “beloved.” It seems like a beautiful coincidence for a person who is currently judging himself so harshly and who so badly needs to feel loved. I hope both meanings are true
 
KubiKook said:
I used to believe exactly like that, thought I had innumerable experiences with Jesus, wrote poems, songs & books of hope & faith & belief, etc. I wish I still believed. What an awful loss! Tragic!
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I would like to read some of those poems and songs if you don't mind sharing. That was the Holy Spirit that inspired you to write all of that. What are your thoughts on this individual's experience of seeing Jesus while in a coma? What he describes is amazing!

 
KubiKook said:
Hey again Lara, thank you for the compliments. I'm surely buried beneath the debris of Invega, somehow still alive, somehow with enough brain function to remember & write & respond, etc.
Hmm... Are you sure we have a spirit? I surely hope we do. Come Quickly, Lord Jesus! ; ) - Yeah, I used to say that a lot in the midst of my Lyme mess. The world surely needs a Savior. And soon.

"...suitcase of memories, time after."
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«Somehow still alive, somehow with enough brain function to remember & write & respond». You know, the fact that you can write this sentence, with this self-awareness, with this dark humor — that is precisely what makes me think there's something in us that isn't just chemistry.
I'm not sure we have a spirit in the theological sense. I don't have that certainty. But I know there's something that continues to fight when the body and brain are wrecked.
«Come quickly, Lord Jesus» — I hear the exhaustion in that. The world does need saving. And maybe we need saving too, in a smaller, more personal way. I hope that saving comes for you. Not necessarily from heaven, but from time. From the slow, boring, invisible work of homeostasis.
Hold on, Dan. Your suitcase of memories isn't empty. It's just buried under debris. And debris can be cleared
 
InnerReturn said:
Do you really think I have good chances for full recovery? I don’t know what to think anymore. Every day I have thoughts of death, and they just drag me down, as if they can’t reach any catharsis. It hurts so much. It feels like I’m physically trapped in my chemically damaged body, like in a narrow cage.
What you wrote about Tampa, about working with your father, about the books and songs written in the Spirit — that’s very important. I hear your question: was all of that real or just mania? I don’t know the answer. But I do know that mania doesn’t create anything real. Your books and poems didn’t become worse just because your brain was working differently at that moment. They were born from you. And your connection with your father, your joint creativity — that was real, regardless of the chemistry.
I don’t know if God is real. But I do know that moments of inspiration are real. I hope that someday you will feel something similar again, even if not as intense. Maybe it won’t be in the Spirit, but simply in silence.
Yes, Gilgamesh is Sumerian. And the story of the Flood there is indeed very similar to the biblical one, except the ark is built not by Noah, but by Utnapishtim. Who borrowed from whom is an open question. But I like to think that at the core of all these stories lies something common, something human.
You said that Daniel means “God is my judge,” and David means “beloved.” It seems like a beautiful coincidence for a person who is currently judging himself so harshly and who so badly needs to feel loved. I hope both meanings are true
Click to expand...
Hi Lara, I didn't realize you had persistent thoughts of death. I'm sorry you're feeling so trapped. I definitely am too, being me but not the same me anymore, with seemingly no ability to get
back all that I've lost. Not all of my works were written in a manic state. Only a few, actually, mostly chapters of an autobiography I was working on, and with that, when I was in that 'heated' condition, I always went back & edited the material in a 'cool' state of mind. Yes, creative works are birthed in us & through us for sure, thank you for expressing that. You're quite insightful.

Ugh, it's hard to believe I'll ever get back to that creative me again. Can I endure the "time after time" it may take to possibly get there We shall see. Utnapishtim, quite a name. Do you know what it means? Yeah, maybe there's a common thread tying Us all together, a perfect Unity that we can experience in the Spirit someday, maybe even in the Power of Now! ; ) - Good 'ol Eckhart.

I'm truly not judging myself. I don't deserve this fate at all. I was a pretty righteous dude actually, who sadly had a manic episode that created some circumstances that unfortunately, landed me in that terrible hospital, and then the system took over & very unfairly (malpractice & mistreatment for sure) mandated the monstrosity of a med that we all got so screwed by. Quite a tragedy!

I'm fortunate that I have so many friends & family who are offering to help in any way they can. Many have expressed their feelings. I know I am loved. Sadly, I don't really want to see or talk to any of them; I don't feel the same connection anymore. Also, nobody can even remotely understand what I'm going through. At this point, I don't have much to say anymore except stuff that evokes sympathy, talk of what the doctor did to me, how ruined I am, all I've lost, the damage to my brain, the not wanting to die but need to kill myself because of the suffering's too much, yada-yada. Yeah, I can 'pretend' when I have to, but I really don't have the desire to engage in 'normal' conversation with 'normal' people these days. I'm me but not me, like I've said.
 
InnerReturn said:
«Somehow still alive, somehow with enough brain function to remember & write & respond». You know, the fact that you can write this sentence, with this self-awareness, with this dark humor — that is precisely what makes me think there's something in us that isn't just chemistry.
I'm not sure we have a spirit in the theological sense. I don't have that certainty. But I know there's something that continues to fight when the body and brain are wrecked.
«Come quickly, Lord Jesus» — I hear the exhaustion in that. The world does need saving. And maybe we need saving too, in a smaller, more personal way. I hope that saving comes for you. Not necessarily from heaven, but from time. From the slow, boring, invisible work of homeostasis.
Hold on, Dan. Your suitcase of memories isn't empty. It's just buried under debris. And debris can be cleared
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I guess something in me is still fighting. Mostly now, it's the fact that I don't truly want to die, but even more so that I don't know how I would end my life, the options are all awful; they're surely not easy to carry out, and they also have a potential for failure, which would likely make things even worse. Although, I'm a Vegan, I don't want to be a vegetable. More dark humor for ya. Hee.

Oh, for sure, I need saving at this point. Can it really come from my brain eventually finding a balance again? Ugh. That sounds too unlikely, and too long of a process. There's surely a need for instant gratification now. Patience has become a dirty word amongst all the debris I'm buried beneath. Where are those damn backhoe's when you need 'em?! Not the best metaphor, I know.

Well, I hope the saving comes for you too, my (new) beautiful friend. Yes, you are quite special, very perceptive & well-expressed. No prob with English, for sure. Bring a little Russian next time ; )
 
today i was prescribed high dose vyvanse, a stimulant for my anhedonia and foggy days and also a mood stabilizer to make sure i don't tilt into mania. i also still have some pregabalin and diazepam left in my cabinet but i've been much less anxious
 
Brendan Clark said:
I would like to read some of those poems and songs if you don't mind sharing. That was the Holy Spirit that inspired you to write all of that. What are your thoughts on this individual's experience of seeing Jesus while in a coma? What he describes is amazing!

Click to expand...

I don't know what to make of the guy's experience of seeing Jesus. I believed a lot like he does. I don't believe in Christ or the spiritual world at all anymore. I definitely used to think the Holy Spirit inspired my writing & music. Like I said, I don't believe it anymore. I wish I still did. Jesus was the foundation of my life for 26 years. I thought I had many encounters. They were awesome.
I'm envious of your faith. I don't see how I could get mine back. My brain is changed now. Everything is different. I'm not the person I used to be. I'm me but I'm not me. So much grievous loss.
 
KubiKook said:
I feel ya, I'm on 17 months & counting, two frickin' injections, I've lost everything, I'm me but not me anymore, totally destroyed, suffering horrifically, every second of every day, no joke, I can't take much more either & am also afraid of trying to kill myself & not succeeding. I don't truly want to be dead, my faith is completely gone too, but I can't live this miserable life much longer...

What the hell are we supposed to do?!
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i am going to try this experimental research chemical called NSI-189, it helps heal the brain through a process called neurogensis, look into it and maybe there's a worth a shot?
 
Chanel_monster said:
Something shitty happened to me today and I been crying non stop. I wish I can get drunk or high to numb the pain but at least I can cry again. The first few months off invega, I couldn't cry at all.
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The first few months off Invega, I couldn't cry either. Now I have moments when tears almost come, but they freeze. Reading that you broke through that wall is really encouraging. I hope the crying brings you some relief, even if it's painful
 
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