I did an exercise dvd on Saturday for the first time since December last year. Then I did it again on Sunday morning. I don't even know how I did it but I'm so proud of myself for pushing myself. It even felt a tiny bit good. But not the way it should definitely still severe anhedonia & mostly no energy or motivation. I also listened to music in bed on Saturday night for the first time since probably November last year. Still severe anhedonia but felt okayish.
Today I started a full time work from home job. It's telefundraising I had training today a zoom meeting with 7 other people. I was really nervous & didn't even know how I'd make it through the whole day but it was really good & alot better than I expected. It went by pretty quickly because we had two 15 min breaks then a half hour break. Then we finished early at 4pm instead of 5pm. I'm proud of myself because instead of doing nothing all day atleast I'll be getting paid & passing the time abit quicker until recovery.
I ordered some NAC & it came today so I tried it on my lunch break. I'm hoping it works for me.
The first 4 weeks of the loading dose I was pretty good still I thought it was bad because I'm usually an emotionally intense person & I like to feel things & feel music. I had some anhedonia but could still concentrate on nextflix series could still listen to music with some joy. I could wake up early like 6:30 or 7:30 & feel good enough & have enough energy & motivation. I could still feel some effects of coffee, I had an appetite I actually was abit too hungry but was able to mostly manage it & ate fairly healthy still. I was able to exercise & feel good enough afterwards I would do an exercise dvd or go on exercise bike. I would listen to music on exercise bike & it would give me a boost of motivation although I couldn't feel it as fully as I used to but it was still good enough. I was an intense person anyway so I felt like maybe I was feeling things how a less intense person would feel things. I could feel tiredness I would get tired around 8:30pm to 9:30pm I thought that was bad because I was used to staying up late it sucked not being able to do that anymore if I wanted to. I thought the weight gain was bad the first 4 weeks. It was mostly in my face & a little in my arms & stomach but my legs were still skinny so I looked weird & out of proportion. I used to have a really slim face slightly round but a nice slim jawline. I used to use a jade roller & gua sha tool to slim my face everyday it worked wonders. Now it doesn't even work at all which is so crazy to me that it just doesn't work anymore. It's really good for lymphatic drainage but obviously there's too much poison in my system.
Then around December 28 I started piling on the weight within a few weeks & have gained up to 17 kgs. Now the weight is on my legs, I have massive stomach & love handles & back fat, my face is twice the size it used to be I have a really bad double chin, my arms are so much bigger.
Now I can't feel tiredness or hunger, I can't feel emotions, I can't feel the effects of coffee, can't concentrate or feel anything when watching tv although it's improved from what it was the first few weeks after the 75mg I can atleast lay there now & concentrate a tiny bit & I've gotten through almost 3 tv series somehow. Atfirst I had severe restlessness & couldn't watch tv for almost 2 months. I can't feel motivation or energy, I can't usually get up until around 9 or 9:30am but now I have to get up early with my job because I start at 9am. I've noticed around when I got my period last week I felt a tiny bit better waking up around 8am to 8:30am. No motivation or energy but don't feel as dead as I was & didn't keep falling back to sleep so that will help with getting up for work. I had to get up at 7:30 today but slept in until about 7:45am. I will also say my eating routine is so much better & my taste buds have come back mostly. I'd say I can sort of feel some tiny bit of normalcy from eating.
I would give anything to go back to how I was feeling the first 4 weeks on loading dose. For me I'd consider that recovered enough compared to now although obviously I'd love to be fully recovered back to myself. It all changed after I had the first proper dose of 75mg. It all changed within a week & a half. It's crazy how much damage just that one shot has done & that was my last shot. I have been off invega for 4 months now & can't believe how much of a nightmare it has been & I still don't know how long it will be until I've recovered
