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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

coming home to BL...

Yeah that's what I was afraid I was doing, lol. It is really kind of exciting for me reconnecting with people from back in the day, especially exciting to hear life improvements!

Burntserkits this IS your thread, I wouldn't mind learning more about your journey, like what you were addicted to, how it happened, how bad you were, what was rock bottom etc. Only if you really want to share it though, I personally am finding it extremely therapeutic discussing some of my old demons but I'm sure it's not that easy for everyone.
Edit - a little on my story.
For me, I got hooked on drugs because of chronic pain. I'm 24 years old and I've been suffering with serious foot issues since 15, bad arthritis in left foot and tearing of the arch. Same thing in the right foot just not as severe. My big toe joints are shot, like I can't move my toe up much on the left side and extending the toe through a full range of motion is very painful. I'm also very tall and lanky dude so the result has been pain all over my knees, legs, hips and lower back as I try to walk over my painful forefoot. I had been to doctor after doctor, no one could seem to help me enough and I became a rather withdrawn, depressed, and most of all, FEARFUL, person. I still had a life to live and I needed to walk so I still worked but I can't tell you how hard it gets when you wake up afraid of the pain you will be in.

I started medicating myself with tons of weed, fell into poppy pods and became an addict immediately. I thought I'd found the answer but it only took a few months before I realized I was actually unhappier on them. But the pain persisted and even progressed so I stayed on them for at least the better part of the year.

I've had a lot of legal troubles as a result of my use and it's probably one of the factors in me getting off all that junk.

These days I've committed myself to working out and strength training my legs. I do heavy squats and it's made my legs stronger and allowed me to relearn how to walk in a way that is less painful. I've discovered a leg length discrepancy too and have learned that a heel lift reduces my pain by at least half.

I still have painful days, but sometimes I have pain free days and it's all around more manageable.
 
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well my friend we have a TON in common. I dabbled with opiates (mostly oxy and methadone) for several years I did them once or twice a week and had no physical dependence. In June of '06 I was in a wreck that fractured my neck (C7), lower back (L4 & L5) cracked my pelvis, Right leg: compound tibia fracture, nerve damage in knee, crushed calcanius and cracked ankle and two feet fractures (left leg) dislocated hip, fractured ankle and three feet fractures plus damage to my liver and spleen. I then started taking/getting rx'd, surprisingly enough, methadone and oxy. So I spent 8 weeks bed bound doing physical therapy at home with resistance bands, etc. Then the next 6 months I spent doing aqua therapy to help me re-learn how to walk. How does someone forget how to walk?! It's so bizarre to go thru.

So two years later I'm completely hooked on my meds and abusing them but doing much better physically. I was walking pretty good and wasn't in too much pain.One day my right foot got REALLY swollen and it got worse over a few days and I couldn't walk on it. Anyway it got swollen my ankle scars ripped open and I went into shock . My roommate luckily came home about a half hour later and found me with all this gunk and blood all over the couch and in the floor. So EMS gets there and I'm breathing 6 breaths/min. Come to find out, staph set up in my ankle hardware and had to have 9 screws and a plate. You could literally see the bones in ankle and foot and have to have it repacked and hooked up to a wound vac for the entire 5 weeks I was in the hospital on IV antibiotics and wore it and went to wound mgt for another 8 weeks. That was in '08.

So I'm back in excruiating pain and need even more pills to deal let alone get high. So I was running out of meds earlier and found that meth helped me forget about the Wd's. So I do it from when I'm out of pills until I go back to the dr. Well it doesn't take very long til I start REALLY liking the both of them at the same time. So up until last Sept I was speedballing like crazy for several good years. I finally hit my rock bottom and went to rehab and did the rapid Rivea detox and stayed about eight days in the unit. I was still craving opiates even though my receptors were completely clear and I felt great. Sadly though it didn't take long for the mental cravings to start up. So I started suboxone maintenance about three weeks after rehab (which I hadn't used anything since getting out). I knew I was probably going to relapse so I decided to prevent the problems (which saved my life) Things is tho since the removal of that hardware in my ankle My foot, heel and ankle is all now starting to fuse and I am in the first stages of arthritis. So things are going to get very painful pretty soon. I've been successful with subs but I'm probably going to need a full agonist within 1-2 years and that is terrifying. I've done so well on subs but I hate being dependent on them.

Anyway, this post is getting long lol I'm glad you and Art reconnected. It's always killer to meet up with old pals. Glad I got to get to know you better too. Look
 
Oh wow we do have a lot in common. First of all, that wreck sounded terrible and I'm so sorry to hear what you went through. Thanks so much for sharing that, I can really relate to a lot. Pain is such a, well, pain lol.

That ankle and heel fusing sounds painful, I have some ankle arthritis from how bad my arch is in the left foot.

I have to devote a lot of thought and conscious energy towards walking properly, I have had a dysfunctional gait most of my life and breaking my habitual walking pattern has been so difficult. I constantly find myself getting sore and realizing I had returned to my sloppy joint damaging gait. I have a lot of muscle imbalances because of the pattern I chose to use when walking to avoid rolling off my toe much so I sorta understand what you mean about forgetting how to walk.

Thanks for sharing your journey though, it's nice to connect with people who "get it" and have been through these experiences. Wishing you good vibes,

Quasi
 
^totally bro :) My right ankle sticks outward a little and it causes a lot of pressure on the big knuckle thing where the big toe starts. The leg pains cause back pains...and you said, it...pain is such a miserable pain (and not just in the ass ;) Man I hope your condition improves. I'll keep you in my thoughts and meditations if you don't mind. May do nothing physically but can sure boost you mentally knowing someone is sending you healing vibes...
 
^totally bro :) My right ankle sticks outward a little and it causes a lot of pressure on the big knuckle thing where the big toe starts. The leg pains cause back pains...and you said, it...pain is such a miserable pain (and not just in the ass ;) Man I hope your condition improves. I'll keep you in my thoughts and meditations if you don't mind. May do nothing physically but can sure boost you mentally knowing someone is sending you healing vibes...
 
So Quasi, not to hijack the thread, but I'll discuss meth vs. mdpv. I used meth off and on for a year or so before I discovered peeve. I never experienced psychosis on meth, just paranoia and bad crashes. I usually smoked it and had it along with pod tea and it actually had a calming, euphoric effect. But the thing is, I didn't have a steady supply, so I never had enough to really indulge in it. When it came to peeve, I could get it all day long, and with my addictive personality, I just never stopped. And because I had to quit pods due to scarcity and price, I switched to peeve and kratom.

Around that time, my live in girlfriend of six years started acting different. I got this crazy delusion that she was masturbating with a vibrator instead of having sex with me. I actually could feel vibrations in bed next to me. I accused her and she told me I needed help. Then I started noticing white cars driving around my house, convinced it was her new boyfriend. Then all white cars with tinted windows were following me.

She eventually kicked me out. My family found out about the pods, got fired from my job (with my family), lost everything. I experienced psychosis for a month, thought I could here my ex outside the window at night fucking her new guy, taunting me. I was prescribed klonopin, therapy, and the voices stopped. then my bro took me to the sub clinic where he goes.

It was a long struggle, but I'm so much better now. I still deal with guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, loneliness, etc. But I have healthy tools to deal with it. The thing that still haunts me is that I'm pretty sure my girl was cheating on me, but I'll never know. I'll never know what was a delusion and what was real. It's fucked up, and I still love her and miss her. I just have to be cool with the fact that I'll probably never know and in the end it doesn't matter.
 
Ah so basically it's what I suspected: PV is probably even worse than meth. Those delusions sound pretty scary, glad you made it through all that. PV made me paranoid sometimes and I'd often have visual hallucinations but I'm lucky it never took me all the way down the rabbit hole to the point of delusional thinking.
 
Yes way worse. Although that isn't to say meth is a good idea. It's extremely addictive- I still have bad cravings.
 
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