This come down from opiates and meth certainly doesn't feel good, but I'm managing. I'm taking potassium and magnesium supplements ever day along with taurine and Phenocane, and 3 and 1/2 tablets of ultram. This keeps me on an almost even keel, but the johnes to get high is there, strong as ever. I should NEVER have opened this can of worms, but oh well, too late now. I find out that I'm quite adept at writing filthy porn when I'm high, too bad, I should have been a porn writer.
Another thing I got from that brief meditation the other day was God telling me that as I go through this life, I have a choice of pursuing the spiritual or the sensual. It's not that there is anything WRONG with sensuality, or pleasures of the flesh, but the problem is that it is too easy to get completely sidetracked by those things, and then get permanently detoured. Next thing you know, you're time is up here, and all that you really accomplished was a series of highs and lows.
That seems to be how it is for me anyway. That's why they advocate complete abstinence in NA, because nothing is a lot easier than trying to use on a schedule. Right now I want drugs to make me feel better. Right now I want drugs to feel high. I know I will have the choice of scoring a $20 after Tuesday rolls around, but seeing as how I won't have my painkillers then, I keep toying with the idea of just waiting until the 2nd week in May, my next planned vacation.
Hell that's what I should do, then give the shit a rest for a while, so I can concentrate on damage control, FUCK!
Another pleasant distraction that has come up, is Brendan aka John Doe. His letters of love and lust are as hot or hotter than if he never called it off. I've heard that break up sex can be pretty hot though, perhaps that's the point. I'm glad he likes my new body, seems to be somehow more turned on than he was 8 yrs ago.
I don't see this going very far, much farther than emails and cyber sex that is, as now that he's been canned, and I certainly won't have the money to fly up to see him anytime soon. At this point in my life though, what I'd love is some hot, illicit sex from this man.
Another thing I got from that brief meditation the other day was God telling me that as I go through this life, I have a choice of pursuing the spiritual or the sensual. It's not that there is anything WRONG with sensuality, or pleasures of the flesh, but the problem is that it is too easy to get completely sidetracked by those things, and then get permanently detoured. Next thing you know, you're time is up here, and all that you really accomplished was a series of highs and lows.
That seems to be how it is for me anyway. That's why they advocate complete abstinence in NA, because nothing is a lot easier than trying to use on a schedule. Right now I want drugs to make me feel better. Right now I want drugs to feel high. I know I will have the choice of scoring a $20 after Tuesday rolls around, but seeing as how I won't have my painkillers then, I keep toying with the idea of just waiting until the 2nd week in May, my next planned vacation.
Hell that's what I should do, then give the shit a rest for a while, so I can concentrate on damage control, FUCK!
Another pleasant distraction that has come up, is Brendan aka John Doe. His letters of love and lust are as hot or hotter than if he never called it off. I've heard that break up sex can be pretty hot though, perhaps that's the point. I'm glad he likes my new body, seems to be somehow more turned on than he was 8 yrs ago.
I don't see this going very far, much farther than emails and cyber sex that is, as now that he's been canned, and I certainly won't have the money to fly up to see him anytime soon. At this point in my life though, what I'd love is some hot, illicit sex from this man.