Comfortable life, the wrong way

[captainballs]

I'm not turning into dirtbag. I am a dirtbag. Allow me the opportunity to explain why I have a pair of golden handcuffs on which will prevent me from being anything but a dirtbag in the foreseeable future

My girlfriend is my economic slave. She works 12 hour days to pay for my rent and my car. There was even a period where I was unemployed for close to 4 months, and my only redeeming factor was waking her up an hour before she went to slave away and fuck her silly all over our apartment.

Our apartment is big. My car is better than hers. And I have a job, although I still pay only for my cell phone and car insurance.

A month ago I checked myself into rehab strictly because I had no bills, a job, a free car, but was somehow still spending every dime I made plus bank loans re-routed through my 'electronics company' on drugs.

On top of that, the controlled demolition of that company led to a situation where I don't have to pay taxes for a while period.

I justify the way I use her by insisting to myself that the end justifies the means. Eventually, if she just continues to believe that I'll change - or whatever she tells herself as she tirelessly slaves away for me - then that will buy me enough time to continue to use this situation to make us both wealthy, so that she can finish school or open a restaurant or just retire. She insists that we're a team, and used to jokingly call me the house husband when I was unemployed. I think the only reason she puts up with me is that first, she loves me. Second, I guess there are some 20-something guys who are not just financially abusive, but emotionally abusive as well and I'm only the former.

I've always wanted an older woman to take care of me, but it bothers my conscience a little when I realize that this is one of those 'be patient and I promise it will be worth your while one day' things. And I'm so manipulative that I've never had to ask for anything - and she seems totally content!

But for me, I feel like another person taking advantage of someone who life has stepped on enough already. I want to make things right, but I always find myself falling back on selfishness, greed, and arrogance in the fact that I know what I'm doing but I don't care enough to change.

I want to change. The adult I have become is disappointing ethically, and it makes me wonder what else I am capable of doing and whether or not I will ultimately be too empty inside to enjoy the fruits of all the people I have stepped on.

 

[ech0s85]

man youll feel a lot better about life if you actually do something with it. Being self sufficient is pretty rewarding.

 

[chompy]

You should work something out so that you start paying more of the bills. It sounds like you are having it a bit easy because you have it rest assured that she is going to take care of the majority of the bills.

I suggest you start to contribute a percentage to rent or whatever bills.


The only way to change is to act like that adult you want to be. Act as if. Lead by example.

 

[panic in paradise]

you really are just getting started with life though, there is a lot to come yet, and i know you've done some living... im sure that the recent dramatic change of your mental state after kicking two powerful substances, is bound to wash life out, and leave you feeling hopeless and helpless.

but, you are sounding like me sometimes, beating everything down, including myself, to make it easy to justify giving up and then spiraling down further.

i doubt this girl is a fool, so youre more then just lucky, you are young, in love, educated, able to apply your knowledge, funny, and able to fuck all over the apartment... this is good! hah.

you fear the commitment towards her, you fear the commitment of a career (opting for a sugar mama). why? why do you have so much self doubt?

how much have you screwed up from true lack o ability, and how much was depression, drug, or poor spontaneous decision making?

have been off the hard stuff, or alcohol?

this would be perfect timing for the berievement sensations to be brewing.

please take your thread as a description of how your situation bothers you and needs to change, not a definition of you, from now on. are you even trying to manipulate her? or are you just feeling shitty and beating your self up?

remember
behind every good man is a good woman.

 

[unsettled]

give yourself some credit for being honest, it's so easy to lie to ourselves when we have chemical habits that MUST be fed. however making some small changes as suggested above could really help and the timing seems right, you have a girlfriend who sticks by your side through the hard times, if you really love her you'll really regret letting that slip away later on. good luck.

 

[Draigan]

dude all can be forgiven easily. Just get moving. Take your girl out more. You obviously care about her a lot. Move that ass yo!! Atleast you give it to her every morning!!

 

[footscrazy]

Why would you change when you don't have to...? What I mean is, you have no incentive to change. Most people will take the easiest way when there's a choice, so it doesn't mean you're a bad person...but what you're doing is still shit. If you're not happy about the situation (and, *imo* I can't imagine being dependent on someone else being conducive to any kind of positive self image) you have to make a change.

 

[getreal]

I want to change. The adult I have become is disappointing ethically, and it makes me wonder what else I am capable of doing and whether or not I will ultimately be too empty inside to enjoy the fruits of all the people I have stepped on.

CB- This is the best thing I've heard from you in a while- It sounds great! Just think about those simple words man.

 

[rollingstoned!]

"I want to change." ---WOOT WOOT WOOOTTT!!! Step 1 complete!
"The adult I have become is disappointing ethically" ---A hard, sad realization, but good that you realized it. Naturally, there will always be those who are "disappointing ethically".
, "and it makes me wonder what else I am capable of doing"---- Do not wonder. Know.
"and whether or not I will ultimately be too empty inside to enjoy the fruits of all the people I have stepped on." ---Another hard realization. Also good that you realized it. You can probably enjoy them if you find reason to. Say someone is giving you a present. You may think "hey they are only doing this so they feel good". Fuck that. It's true. But you gotta come up with a better reason. "They are only doing this to feel good, but goddamn they could've done a million other things to make them feel good."

P.S. Human males are especially evil little fuckers. Accept it and try your best not to be empty. Fill yourself with something. One thing that I did back in the day was fake being happy even though I wasn't. I figured it was selfish for other people to get the negative vibes I let off. However, faking it is a slippery road for some people.