SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
So, prior to discovering that I am quite the nerd at heart, I decided that it would be utterly foolish not to give college a shot. To fill you in a bit, I have been addicted to opiates/opiods for five years. I eventually found myself acutely cognizant of how much I wanted to regain control of my life. With that said, I started trying to sober up two years ago. Although I was still relapsing periodically, I found myself stable enough and healthy enough to finally 'live' at least somewhat again. This was when I made the choice to further myself academically. My therapist and I parted ways after I refused to attend AA meetings after landing in jail, and it was truly the most unagreeable time for me to be out of therapy. I soon found myself having intense panic attacks while still consuming my anti-anxiety medication. I was only taking one course, and I had received a solid 85% on everything. Being in a classroom was rather strange for me. I started ditching school at age seven via manipulation techniques, and although I graduated highschool, it was from a very expensive school for troubled youth. On that note, although I knew I was easily capable of an A, I was easily as discouraged. The fact that I felt as though I knew nothing of things such as the format of a Power Point presentation, as well as how to even truly learn academically, wore on me intensely.
It was not soon before I relapsed on Oxycontin, and the material in class became exceedingly difficult to absorb during withdrawals. Then, sickness ensued, and I had to make a choice between my health (I would have had to keep up the opiates/opiods in order to pass), or the reevaluation of my life. I chose the reevaluation of my life. I decided that I will be resuming therapy, but I know that I am still directionless with regard to a lucrative career prospect. My home life is toxic (twenty-three years old, living in a home with perpetual pills and conflict), and I am at the point where I feel as though perhaps I should just devote my time to saving a substantial amount of money until I figure out my next move.
Herein lies the problem (okay, so ANOTHER problem, hahah!), I have always been one to struggle immensely with feeling as though I am directionless. I do not feel as though I am incapable of succeeding in a chosen direction, but I do not feel as though I can procure a mental end result enough for me to do the footwork. When I realize that a goal I have considered requires steps that I do not gain pleasure from, I usually end up relinquishing said possibility. Either that, or becoming a complete drug addict and alcoholic to tolerate how much I despise the tasks required. Anyway, to make a long story a little less long, I had a conversation with a social acquaintance the other day that really made me think. The fellow I was chatting with, a fellow who is quite like me in many ways (we both dated the same gal, too), told me something that has since lingered in my mind. He told me that there are very few individuals that actually truly feel as though they have a definite calling in the workplace; he told me that most of us have to flip a coin to a decide what we want to do in the job world. That statement hit me rather severely, because both he and I seem to struggle immensely with chosing a profession that suits us. I have since been wondering just how lenient I should be when choosing my next step, and even the step after that. I am such a fucking inherently unsatisfied person. I don't know whether to just buckle down and land the first job I see before the possibility of self-annihilation occurs, or if I should look at it the way I truly feel—that this is my life—you ARE your LIFE. In other words, I had better choose something that brings me gratification, because this is my fucking life I am capable of molding it however I please.
So, I ask you lovely folks, shall I try to save myself from destruction via substances by landing any sort of non-sex worker job as soon as possible?
Shall I cater to the fact that I know I am prone to such intense anxiety that I lock myself in bathrooms, or take mass quantities of benzos that make retaining information difficult? Shall I say fuck it, and risk doing either and take it as another one of my many learning experiences?
Also, do you have any job recommendations for a gal with spontaneous panic attacks? Although I think challenge is a necessity, if I landed a job I was content with, but required a lot of social chatting, I would clearly hate to lose that job due to anxiety issues.
Any advice &/or recommendations would be greatly appreciated!
It was not soon before I relapsed on Oxycontin, and the material in class became exceedingly difficult to absorb during withdrawals. Then, sickness ensued, and I had to make a choice between my health (I would have had to keep up the opiates/opiods in order to pass), or the reevaluation of my life. I chose the reevaluation of my life. I decided that I will be resuming therapy, but I know that I am still directionless with regard to a lucrative career prospect. My home life is toxic (twenty-three years old, living in a home with perpetual pills and conflict), and I am at the point where I feel as though perhaps I should just devote my time to saving a substantial amount of money until I figure out my next move.
Herein lies the problem (okay, so ANOTHER problem, hahah!), I have always been one to struggle immensely with feeling as though I am directionless. I do not feel as though I am incapable of succeeding in a chosen direction, but I do not feel as though I can procure a mental end result enough for me to do the footwork. When I realize that a goal I have considered requires steps that I do not gain pleasure from, I usually end up relinquishing said possibility. Either that, or becoming a complete drug addict and alcoholic to tolerate how much I despise the tasks required. Anyway, to make a long story a little less long, I had a conversation with a social acquaintance the other day that really made me think. The fellow I was chatting with, a fellow who is quite like me in many ways (we both dated the same gal, too), told me something that has since lingered in my mind. He told me that there are very few individuals that actually truly feel as though they have a definite calling in the workplace; he told me that most of us have to flip a coin to a decide what we want to do in the job world. That statement hit me rather severely, because both he and I seem to struggle immensely with chosing a profession that suits us. I have since been wondering just how lenient I should be when choosing my next step, and even the step after that. I am such a fucking inherently unsatisfied person. I don't know whether to just buckle down and land the first job I see before the possibility of self-annihilation occurs, or if I should look at it the way I truly feel—that this is my life—you ARE your LIFE. In other words, I had better choose something that brings me gratification, because this is my fucking life I am capable of molding it however I please.
So, I ask you lovely folks, shall I try to save myself from destruction via substances by landing any sort of non-sex worker job as soon as possible?
Shall I cater to the fact that I know I am prone to such intense anxiety that I lock myself in bathrooms, or take mass quantities of benzos that make retaining information difficult? Shall I say fuck it, and risk doing either and take it as another one of my many learning experiences?
Also, do you have any job recommendations for a gal with spontaneous panic attacks? Although I think challenge is a necessity, if I landed a job I was content with, but required a lot of social chatting, I would clearly hate to lose that job due to anxiety issues.
Any advice &/or recommendations would be greatly appreciated!
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