iLoveYouWithaKnife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2002
- Messages
- 8,351
I haven't talked to you in a while, it's been quite sometime. Usually when I think about how long it's been since we talked, i end up seeing you on aol messenger the next day, and we tell each other how we were just about to email one another to see how each other was doing. We end up just bullshitting about nonsense stuff, and then we don't talk again for a bit.
How's your life going?
I can tell you how mine is.
It's funny ya know... cause every single time I'm about to fucking breakdown, you are the first person I think about calling, and usually the last person I end up talking to. And even when I do call you, it's just so random and out of the blue. We end up talking about the dumbest fucking shit, like manicures and pedicures, And I almost begin to forget why it is I call you in the first place. It doesn't matter though. I realized that the reason I call you, is because no matter how shitty I'm feeling, you're the person who picks up my spirits, even if we talk about absolutely nothing.
Tonight, about an hour and a half ago, I was sitting on this corner about 2 miles from my house. I was laying out the script I'd give to the police office as he would pull up along side of the curb and see me sitting with a book bag, a messanger-type bag, 2 pillows and a blanket. ...don't forget the beer.
"yes officer, i was drinking, actually i am at the moment, i sat down to take a breather because I have to walk all the way across town to my house now... and frankly i don't give a fuck if you'd like to take me down the station for a drunk in public charge. nothing ever goes my fucking way.... and tonight i was told that i was a 'heartless bitch. the most heartless person that _______ ever met', and all i am is a 'drug addict'. so frankly, i wouldn't mind if you want to give me a ride to the station and book me on whatever charges you'd like. At least i'd be a little closer to my house when you'd release me".
But no police ever came. I just sat there.... and thought about how cold hearted i really am. How much of a fucking bitch I really am.... and yes, how i like to endulge in thinks that make me forget about how bad i really hate myself. And i really wanted to call you... ya know... so you could take my mind off things.... but you well, one: would have been sleeping, two: i had no change in my pocket and 3: even if i had a little bit of change it wouldn't have been enough to make a long distant call to say hi.
But this time I probably wouldn't have just said hi.
I continued to pick up all my belongs that resided along the curb with the trash that I guess was going to be picked up in the morning, and I thought about a conversation I might have with you if for some reason I could talk to you at that precise moment.
I talked to myself for awhile, while i walked up the sybert st hill, and poured my guts out through my eyes. They say that sometimes 'you let the wrong one slip away' and I think I did that with you. Five and a half years ago, you would have taken me from all this fucking mess and I could have started over.... but instead..... I decided to use my instinct, i suppose, and be a cold hearted bitch. I really apologize if you ever sat around wondering what i was doing... who i was with, or why i didn't call... i'm sorry if i made you sad.
You have to understand though, the way we grew up. I think you came from a real good family... ya know.... and here, i'm trying to page through the dictonairy to find out what the fuck the defention of that word means.
I grew up in this stupid fucking small city where you see all these fucked up dysfunctional familes reside, and it almost becomes normal. I grew up poor, i grew up unloved, i grew up lonely. I grew up believing that i was nothing but a fuck up and that's all i'd ever amount to, because i never had anyone there supporting me and what i wanted to do.
And tonight, as I continued to walk to the house where all my stuff i own sits in this attic, I felt 14 again, with no where to live and no rush to get anywhere... because there was no where to go. I almost felt like laying down and snuggling up. right there, on the sidewalk. what's the difference anyway? ya know?
I kept walking though, and I continued to think about how I told you I wouldn't move to jersery for a number of reasons, and one of them was because i wanted to be in my neice's life. I wanted her to grow up with actually blood family who loved her....
And now, I have a niece and nephew, who my sister won't allow me to see.... and it breaks my fucking heart.
Because in a blink of an eye 20 years is going to pass, and i'm going to miss them growing up.
i started to think then, about my mom. About how she must really feel about me. How bad she must feel for letting her close her eyes, longer than a second.... and letting 20 some years pass before she could have a conversation with me. I feel so bad for her, because I know, i could just feel the hurt she must have that she let her two daughters grow up without even a thought of why she wasn't around. it makes me so sad.
I know i apologized to you before and told you I had to do what I needed to..... and you more thank gladly accepted.
I now would like to apologize to you for being a cold hearted bitch. For not doing anything but what I wanted to do, reguardless of how you felt about it. I'm just sorry. For it all.
I also would like to thank you for being so fucking wonderful, and sticking it out with me for the seven years I've known you.... through thick and thin. You are one of my only friends I have.
We are so different, personality and etc, -wise. We would have been soooooo incompatable. I'm nothing but a lower class homeless kid who grows up and well....... learns nothing about her experiences..........
And you..... you are my friend.
I thank you so much.
How's your life going?
I can tell you how mine is.
It's funny ya know... cause every single time I'm about to fucking breakdown, you are the first person I think about calling, and usually the last person I end up talking to. And even when I do call you, it's just so random and out of the blue. We end up talking about the dumbest fucking shit, like manicures and pedicures, And I almost begin to forget why it is I call you in the first place. It doesn't matter though. I realized that the reason I call you, is because no matter how shitty I'm feeling, you're the person who picks up my spirits, even if we talk about absolutely nothing.
Tonight, about an hour and a half ago, I was sitting on this corner about 2 miles from my house. I was laying out the script I'd give to the police office as he would pull up along side of the curb and see me sitting with a book bag, a messanger-type bag, 2 pillows and a blanket. ...don't forget the beer.
"yes officer, i was drinking, actually i am at the moment, i sat down to take a breather because I have to walk all the way across town to my house now... and frankly i don't give a fuck if you'd like to take me down the station for a drunk in public charge. nothing ever goes my fucking way.... and tonight i was told that i was a 'heartless bitch. the most heartless person that _______ ever met', and all i am is a 'drug addict'. so frankly, i wouldn't mind if you want to give me a ride to the station and book me on whatever charges you'd like. At least i'd be a little closer to my house when you'd release me".
But no police ever came. I just sat there.... and thought about how cold hearted i really am. How much of a fucking bitch I really am.... and yes, how i like to endulge in thinks that make me forget about how bad i really hate myself. And i really wanted to call you... ya know... so you could take my mind off things.... but you well, one: would have been sleeping, two: i had no change in my pocket and 3: even if i had a little bit of change it wouldn't have been enough to make a long distant call to say hi.
But this time I probably wouldn't have just said hi.
I continued to pick up all my belongs that resided along the curb with the trash that I guess was going to be picked up in the morning, and I thought about a conversation I might have with you if for some reason I could talk to you at that precise moment.
I talked to myself for awhile, while i walked up the sybert st hill, and poured my guts out through my eyes. They say that sometimes 'you let the wrong one slip away' and I think I did that with you. Five and a half years ago, you would have taken me from all this fucking mess and I could have started over.... but instead..... I decided to use my instinct, i suppose, and be a cold hearted bitch. I really apologize if you ever sat around wondering what i was doing... who i was with, or why i didn't call... i'm sorry if i made you sad.
You have to understand though, the way we grew up. I think you came from a real good family... ya know.... and here, i'm trying to page through the dictonairy to find out what the fuck the defention of that word means.
I grew up in this stupid fucking small city where you see all these fucked up dysfunctional familes reside, and it almost becomes normal. I grew up poor, i grew up unloved, i grew up lonely. I grew up believing that i was nothing but a fuck up and that's all i'd ever amount to, because i never had anyone there supporting me and what i wanted to do.
And tonight, as I continued to walk to the house where all my stuff i own sits in this attic, I felt 14 again, with no where to live and no rush to get anywhere... because there was no where to go. I almost felt like laying down and snuggling up. right there, on the sidewalk. what's the difference anyway? ya know?
I kept walking though, and I continued to think about how I told you I wouldn't move to jersery for a number of reasons, and one of them was because i wanted to be in my neice's life. I wanted her to grow up with actually blood family who loved her....
And now, I have a niece and nephew, who my sister won't allow me to see.... and it breaks my fucking heart.
Because in a blink of an eye 20 years is going to pass, and i'm going to miss them growing up.
i started to think then, about my mom. About how she must really feel about me. How bad she must feel for letting her close her eyes, longer than a second.... and letting 20 some years pass before she could have a conversation with me. I feel so bad for her, because I know, i could just feel the hurt she must have that she let her two daughters grow up without even a thought of why she wasn't around. it makes me so sad.
I know i apologized to you before and told you I had to do what I needed to..... and you more thank gladly accepted.
I now would like to apologize to you for being a cold hearted bitch. For not doing anything but what I wanted to do, reguardless of how you felt about it. I'm just sorry. For it all.
I also would like to thank you for being so fucking wonderful, and sticking it out with me for the seven years I've known you.... through thick and thin. You are one of my only friends I have.
We are so different, personality and etc, -wise. We would have been soooooo incompatable. I'm nothing but a lower class homeless kid who grows up and well....... learns nothing about her experiences..........
And you..... you are my friend.
I thank you so much.
