dazedraver
Bluelighter
The sky sits silent in it's all encopassing knowledge of the past and its infinite atrocities.
As my soul roils and fumes in it's self inforced degregdation and self loathing.
It's dark outside with the chill wind blowing accross the silent distances.
It's Darker yet inside with tthe silent grave that is my mind, the only light coming from the still smoulderin pieces of my heart.
The dark water ripples as it has since this deep lake was formed thousands of years ago when this land was freshly hewn from the still living rock by the recession of the primeval seas and the pasage of great ice monoliths.
The icey lapping of the cold watter on my feet as i contemplate letting it leach the pain and sorrow from my bones with it's fridged embrace, a slow sinking into the depths of insensibility.
How simple and easy, soo attractive in its relese and freedom from my pain and the hell i seem to be trapped in.
The icey water begins to numb my legs, and a suprising rush of anger hot and pulsating radiates out from the tatterd and soking remains of my pride and self image, weakling! pussy! they call at me.
A stubborn itch of irritation at the urge to give in and let myself slip away over a broken heart, followed swiftly by unrequited love, and the pain and disgust that goes with watching the object of that love begin to slowly circle the drain.
Watching the vast stars and open sky overhead seeing only possiblities for future failure and pain reflected over the water.
The water now reaching my waist begins to ripple and in the pale moonlight i see small fish swirling in circles nipping at my floating shoelaces. their scales reflecting sliver in the pale moonlight.
Pain flashes through me anew as memories of what i lost flash through my head, a deep kiss, a soft curve, a laugh, the sweet smell of her hair. Then the hellish moment when it ended when my heart couldn't take anymore of the games, watching her shrink in my rearview, followed and prolonged by the kisses she stole opening the wounds anew.
so here i stand frozen to the waist watching as my skin begins toget that bluish tint, the could chatters wracking my body, still debating weather or not i should go deeper and drown my pain and fear of more pain in the cold dark depths of this secluded lake.
Shimmering ripples expand in concentric rings of reflected moonlight, the universe of stars reflected into a mirrored horizon where doppleganger galaxies meet in a blurred mirror vision with a juxaposition of reality and a pale subsitute.
I strive to see what possible good there is for me, what could possibly go well after every plan has gone awry, stuck living at home again after an early escape, my friends all drifting away becasue of thier happy relationships, wanted only by those i can't have, wanting only those i can't touch!
I scream shattering the crystiline silence of the world around me, my voice weak from the numbness slowly taking over my body the shaking starting to subside, my head being befuddled with cold and the torrent of emotions rushing through me.
What Is there?!
I'm answered with silenceand with that silence comes doubt and that doubt scarred me mor than any possible failure could...
so i stagger out of the freezing water on legs that refuse to function chilled deeply climb in my still running car and pray to whatever god there is that things change soon because I don't know if I can take this much longer
As my soul roils and fumes in it's self inforced degregdation and self loathing.
It's dark outside with the chill wind blowing accross the silent distances.
It's Darker yet inside with tthe silent grave that is my mind, the only light coming from the still smoulderin pieces of my heart.
The dark water ripples as it has since this deep lake was formed thousands of years ago when this land was freshly hewn from the still living rock by the recession of the primeval seas and the pasage of great ice monoliths.
The icey lapping of the cold watter on my feet as i contemplate letting it leach the pain and sorrow from my bones with it's fridged embrace, a slow sinking into the depths of insensibility.
How simple and easy, soo attractive in its relese and freedom from my pain and the hell i seem to be trapped in.
The icey water begins to numb my legs, and a suprising rush of anger hot and pulsating radiates out from the tatterd and soking remains of my pride and self image, weakling! pussy! they call at me.
A stubborn itch of irritation at the urge to give in and let myself slip away over a broken heart, followed swiftly by unrequited love, and the pain and disgust that goes with watching the object of that love begin to slowly circle the drain.
Watching the vast stars and open sky overhead seeing only possiblities for future failure and pain reflected over the water.
The water now reaching my waist begins to ripple and in the pale moonlight i see small fish swirling in circles nipping at my floating shoelaces. their scales reflecting sliver in the pale moonlight.
Pain flashes through me anew as memories of what i lost flash through my head, a deep kiss, a soft curve, a laugh, the sweet smell of her hair. Then the hellish moment when it ended when my heart couldn't take anymore of the games, watching her shrink in my rearview, followed and prolonged by the kisses she stole opening the wounds anew.
so here i stand frozen to the waist watching as my skin begins toget that bluish tint, the could chatters wracking my body, still debating weather or not i should go deeper and drown my pain and fear of more pain in the cold dark depths of this secluded lake.
Shimmering ripples expand in concentric rings of reflected moonlight, the universe of stars reflected into a mirrored horizon where doppleganger galaxies meet in a blurred mirror vision with a juxaposition of reality and a pale subsitute.
I strive to see what possible good there is for me, what could possibly go well after every plan has gone awry, stuck living at home again after an early escape, my friends all drifting away becasue of thier happy relationships, wanted only by those i can't have, wanting only those i can't touch!
I scream shattering the crystiline silence of the world around me, my voice weak from the numbness slowly taking over my body the shaking starting to subside, my head being befuddled with cold and the torrent of emotions rushing through me.
What Is there?!
I'm answered with silenceand with that silence comes doubt and that doubt scarred me mor than any possible failure could...
so i stagger out of the freezing water on legs that refuse to function chilled deeply climb in my still running car and pray to whatever god there is that things change soon because I don't know if I can take this much longer
