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Cohabiting with partner

M

megd23

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 26, 2014
Messages
49
Location
Chicago
I'd like to hear opinions on what people think of cohabiting their experience & what they would expect from their partner regarding bills, food, chores, fun, etc.
 
My boyfriend and I have lived together for two years. We were dating for two years prior to that. We moved in together after both living on our own for a few years. It's been good. You get to learn a lot about your partner AND you have to actually make an effort to spend time together and like actually hang out. Like we see each other every day but we make sure that we hang out on the weekends to keep things exciting. :) Bills, food, chores... we split those things. Although he does do a bit more of the chores than I do. We split things up though. I usually run errands and he does more of the stuff around the apartment.
 
YEa I like living with somebuddy. I like coming home to somebuddy and sharing a bed, waking up next to somebuddy.

I also feel safer with a man at home.


It's important to have sex with somebuddy and live with somebody before you get married. You need to know what that person is like to live with.

When you get married, that's when you have joint bank accounts and make a permanent situation.
 
^^

Good im glad thats working for you. unfortunatley for me my boyfriend and i both abuse drugs and sometimes enable another. im 20 hes 23. im making decent money as a dental assistant working 27hrs a week cuz thats the most i can get in my office and hes full time w/ the union make 30/hr full time. I've known him since 17 and we'd hook up here and there. Things got serious 18months ago. we'd hang out, go out to the bars, and have fun. I moved in my place in August & he moved in around October. Sadly, I do all the household chores: doing his laundry, folding it, cleaning up the mess (which sometimes is my mess), I do all the dishes since he wont do them. I vacuum scrub and clean the bathroom & feel i made him a cushy life living with me. He's paying the rent with me which is a step up before. But i'm buying all the groceries, tolietries, and that shit adds up. I love him so much but I feel like my work is unappreciated. I get he works FT in the union in a hard demanding job but i work too. Put it this way, if i didnt do the laundry, dishes, clean, cook it would never be done. He pays half the rent and ComED which isn't much since he's the one always leaving the lights on. I take care of WIFI/cable. My mom buys me groceries and i share with him sometimes I dont feel reciprocated. I'm sorry if that sounds bad. It's our drug abuse that kills us. He makes double me and can buy way more drugs than me although I can still get my stuff. So what do I do. hes on subs trying to quit but he quits 2 weeks and is back on. I need to quit. I havent done opiates since sunday, but i am moderately taking parts of bars. what do you think? what would you do if you were me? I love him so much and I know were so young and hes the man for me forever, but will he ever change and can we make it with our track record. Your opinion would b greatly appreciated.
 
MedicalCoding said:
YEa I like living with somebuddy. I like coming home to somebuddy and sharing a bed, waking up next to somebuddy.

I also feel safer with a man at home.


It's important to have sex with somebuddy and live with somebody before you get married. You need to know what that person is like to live with.

When you get married, that's when you have joint bank accounts and make a permanent situation.
Click to expand...


Yes I agree with you. I love living with my boyfriend. Were like best friends & we get each other. I think its a test for our future together. If we can make it throughh the rough times we've had regarding using drugs together than I hope we can get through anything. We're both successful young adults. But his behaviors at home like shaving in he sink and not cleaning it... will that ever change? I don't wanna change the love of my life. but from what I hear in life. No one ever changes.

Thanks for your response
 
Meg there are ways to make it fair, for example put a dollar value on housework ($10-15/hr?) and count it as part of splitting the bills. Another way is to each put a percentage of your income into a pool and use it to buy all household items. But the bigger issue is that if he's not willing to be an equal partner, do you really want to keep things going?
 
I truly do. I think he's the one for me but my parents think differently.as long as he first quits this habit, and me as well. I love him so much and I want him to see eye-to-eye with me on bills and survival. I went through a phase of cooking chicken with brocolli weekly and now were kinda eating like shit. I've probably gained a couple pounds along with him but he's still in pretty good shape. How can I approach this convo with him. And sometimes when I do I feel like he gets defensive. He talks about us getting a house one day, but if the roles were reversed and I lived with him i'm 100 sure he would want me to go half. How do I handle this.
 
I agree. But sometimes I don't feel like our chores are divided evenly. He takes out the garbage. I take care of every household duty: cleaning, cooking, and making our apartment better. Your right if he was a roomate I'D be hounding for the money for the costs to live in the apartment, but why do I feel bad doing that to him when i shouldn't. do you think im being taking advantage of. It sucks cuz I truly love him.
 
I'm sorry to say, he is probably a selfish asshole and you just aren't seeing it. But to give him the benefit of the doubt, write down the $ that it takes to live, and be sure to include everything from the electric bill down to milk and toilet paper. Tell him you both need to put a certain amount every month into a jar to cover those expenses. It could be equal, or (more fairly) it could be a percentage of both your incomes. If he responds badly, you have your answer. (And if he responds well, the problem is solved.) Here's another red flag - whose name are the bills in? Put the rent and electric bills in his name, and make him hound you for the money.

Chores are a little harder, because if he was living alone, he might not really be doing as much cleaning and stuff as you are doing. Can you slack off on those things and still stand to live there? Then if it bothers him, he'll start doing more.

If he does respond well to splitting the finances, then you can bring up splitting the chores more fairly a couple weeks down the road.
 
I've slacked on cleaning before and he goes "meg you really gotta take care of this place" yes some might b my mess but I was putting him to a test. All i simply want is 180/rent 40/comcast and comed is usaully 35dollars. and i can spend 95 at the grocery store and it seems unnoticed. since im 20 and still clsoe with my mom she buys food and gives me steak leftovers from her house and helps me out in that matter. Am i being used? Idk its so confused.
 
Yes, if he is making twice as much as you, won't pay his half of the bills, and expects you to do all the cleaning, you are being used. :( I'm sorry, I know that's hard to deal with.

I would talk to him and say you need to arrange things the way you would with any other roommate - he won't like it, but he'll either grow up or leave.
 
So is the issue more monetary or division of chores? With my ex, I did all the household work and we both worked full time. He cut the lawn once every couple of weeks and considered that even. But we were married and both our checks went into the same account. So you can tell him you would like him to help you with the dishes and cleaning or at least take turns to make it fair. Once you get into the habit of doing everything for him he won't likely change you have to speak up and tell him how you feel. Don't let him get away with not paying his share either.
 
It sucks to be used. Especially since hes On BL and were friends on BL and he'll probably see this. Am i in the wrong? I'm feeling guilt
 
abracadabra girl said:
I'm sorry to say, he is probably a selfish asshole and you just aren't seeing it. But to give him the benefit of the doubt, write down the $ that it takes to live, and be sure to include everything from the electric bill down to milk and toilet paper. Tell him you both need to put a certain amount every month into a jar to cover those expenses. It could be equal, or (more fairly) it could be a percentage of both your incomes. If he responds badly, you have your answer. (And if he responds well, the problem is solved.) Here's another red flag - whose name are the bills in? Put the rent and electric bills in his name, and make him hound you for the money.

Chores are a little harder, because if he was living alone, he might not really be doing as much cleaning and stuff as you are doing. Can you slack off on those things and still stand to live there? Then if it bothers him, he'll start doing more.

If he does respond well to splitting the finances, then you can bring up splitting the chores more fairly a couple weeks down the road.
Click to expand...


my names and lease are on all the bills here
 
You're not wrong and should not be feeling guilty in any way. A lot of us as women are doormats and there are some guys who take advantage of that. If you stand up for yourself, he will either respect you more, or clear out so you can find a guy who does. Ask him if he'd put up with a (male) roommate who didn't pay bills or do chores. Having all the bills in your name just means you'll take the fall while he walks away in the clear. (If he says he can't put the bills in his name because he didn't pay them in the past, that tells you something too.)
 
i wanted him to move in with me so he can get away from his crazy step mom and dad. I think i made it too cushy here for him. what do u think
 
abracadabra girl said:
You're not wrong and should not be feeling guilty in any way. A lot of us as women are doormats and there are some guys who take advantage of that. If you stand up for yourself, he will either respect you more, or clear out so you can find a guy who does. Ask him if he'd put up with a (male) roommate who didn't pay bills or do chores. Having all the bills in your name just means you'll take the fall while he walks away in the clear.
Click to expand...

Ya your right. If he walks away I can pay this all for myself and survive. I just asked if he got his own place if I can move in and he was skeptical so that kills my feelings.
 
No you're not wrong, you just need to be a bit more assertive with him. Tell him that you are not happy with the status quo and something has got to change. Like abra said, make that list of expenditures, save your receipts and this way he can see all that you are spending. If he's reasonable, he should see this and agree to reimburse you or kick in a little more towards rent/other bills.
 
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