I was prescribed clonidine for my benzo taper; I took it for a few days a month ago when I was having a tough time, and it worked great. But I realized that when it wore off, I felt like ripping my skin off. I became a danger to myself and thought I was experiencing akethesia.
I decided not to touch the stuff, until I continued my taper & hit a rough patch. I decided to take one every morning during panic attacks. After a few days, I ended up going back up on my dose to try & taper more slowly. I wasn’t in WD, so I didn’t need the clonidine anymore.
Except I did. Every night, screaming, agony, hitting my head on the floor, legs spasming, begging for god to kill me, telling my family I was going to kill myself. The diazepam doses barely did anything anymore, but the 6 hours it was active was the only peace I got. Didn’t sleep for 3 nights. Finally, I caved, taking the damn thing just to see if that was the cause or if I was just being fucked over by God, bc upping to 10mg Diazapam for the night just to see if I could sleep did Nothing. I was wired, I was in agony, I was screaming for God to kill me like I never had during WDs.
I take half of a .1, I wait, I’m normal. I’m a functioning human being. The “I’m actually going to kill myself” juice evaporates from my veins after 3 days. How the hell is something that was supposed to help me fucking me this bad. The benzo taper was scary enough & now I have something that feels worse, and despite having no insomnia the entire taper, now Diazepam doesn’t even touch it. I can handle windows and waves and panic attacks, I cannot handle the unrelenting agony I just endured.
How do I fix this? Beyond going into weeks-long clonidine rebound and screaming through it? Taking a diff low BP med to transition ? I cannot be going into extreme suicidal mode like this.
I decided not to touch the stuff, until I continued my taper & hit a rough patch. I decided to take one every morning during panic attacks. After a few days, I ended up going back up on my dose to try & taper more slowly. I wasn’t in WD, so I didn’t need the clonidine anymore.
Except I did. Every night, screaming, agony, hitting my head on the floor, legs spasming, begging for god to kill me, telling my family I was going to kill myself. The diazepam doses barely did anything anymore, but the 6 hours it was active was the only peace I got. Didn’t sleep for 3 nights. Finally, I caved, taking the damn thing just to see if that was the cause or if I was just being fucked over by God, bc upping to 10mg Diazapam for the night just to see if I could sleep did Nothing. I was wired, I was in agony, I was screaming for God to kill me like I never had during WDs.
I take half of a .1, I wait, I’m normal. I’m a functioning human being. The “I’m actually going to kill myself” juice evaporates from my veins after 3 days. How the hell is something that was supposed to help me fucking me this bad. The benzo taper was scary enough & now I have something that feels worse, and despite having no insomnia the entire taper, now Diazepam doesn’t even touch it. I can handle windows and waves and panic attacks, I cannot handle the unrelenting agony I just endured.
How do I fix this? Beyond going into weeks-long clonidine rebound and screaming through it? Taking a diff low BP med to transition ? I cannot be going into extreme suicidal mode like this.