Clean from opiates, but ahhh really want more benzos/ betablokers. Advice please?

[kace]

So, yay, I'm clean from opiates and such.

However, I've been so god damn stressed, I took my 7 day script of 2mgs a day benzos in 2 days. Meh, it's not that bad, I used to be on insane amounts! I was on 150 mgs a day in '12, then jumped to 30 mgs in '12 (not fun!), and have tapered from then to 2 mgs day which I've been stable at for over a year.

However, god damn stress of December (have shitty flashbacks of stuff on certain dates) is making me crave more, and betablockers! (Not allowed them from the doc till I have an ECG, meh).

I only want them for the 22nd, 29th and 30th so I don't go crazy/ breakdown/ do something stupid from flashbacks. What the heck do I do? (Can't get benzo script till 24th ) Is it really that bad if I self medicate for a week? (It won't fry my memory/ brain that much more will it? I'm just getting my short term memory back).

Also, kind of have an unhealthy obsession for sleeping meds when I'm stressed (it's just easier to knock myself out). Only zopiclone. I'm prescribed them, but uh I know it's not normal to take them in the day time just to shut up horrible thoughts.

TDLR: Is zopiclone really that bad short term? How bad will I screw up my benzo taper if I use short lasting benzos for a week?

Thanks to anyone who managed to read this rubbish.
--
Really don't know where to post this, sorry mods if it's in the wrong forum.

betabloCkers *

 

[bingey]

I have been clean for 2 months and I have been getting suicidal thoughts with the dark weather and stupid holidays (it aint a holiday if you dont have the money for it) so I guess Im hopping back on the wagon.

 

[kace]

I'm sorry to hear that Winter and the lack of sun is SHIT, I don't think humans are supposed to live with miserable weather!

And trust me, you're not the only one hating the holidays! I know it's cheesy, but I've started trying to help and support others, it's helping my depression/ hate of the materialist side of the holidays by being there for others who are at rock bottom. (I thought they'd hate me, but they've been really receptive, seem to like having someone who's done messed up shit and kind of out of it?). I know that's random, cheesy, but I really recommend reaching out to people. Sorry, I don't mean to be a hypocrite when I want to use benzos and go on at you.

Just, you've done so god damn well BingeBoy! Don't jump back on the shitty bandwagon. The BS will be over soon.

(Man, I need to STFU and take my own advice, sorry.)

 

[herbavore]

Hey Kace and BingeBoy, hang in there. This season is ridiculous in so many ways but if you can will yourself outside of the circle (stay out of stores and never turn on a television!) you can select things that you yourself may enjoy and make the most of those. If it is lighting your room with candles or making fragrant tea or baking or even just being cozy in bed and reading...do it! And Kace, I agree about trying to focus on doing things for others. The consumer christmas debacle is really hard on kids that have nothing and the emphasis on family makes it excruciating for those that do not have close bonds with theirs or have lost someone or simply have no one. Making someone's burden lighter always lightens your own and feels good.

It's a grey drizzly day here, too, but I got my knitting out and I'm trying to make a hat for my son from leftover yarn--that feels good on multiple levels.

 

[kace]

Hey Kace and BingeBoy, hang in there. This season is ridiculous in so many ways but if you can will yourself outside of the circle (stay out of stores and never turn on a television!) you can select things that you yourself may enjoy and make the most of those. If it is lighting your room with candles or making fragrant tea or baking or even just being cozy in bed and reading...do it! And Kace, I agree about trying to focus on doing things for others. The consumer christmas debacle is really hard on kids that have nothing and the emphasis on family makes it excruciating for those that do not have close bonds with theirs or have lost someone or simply have no one. Making someone's burden lighter always lightens your own and feels good.

It's a grey drizzly day here, too, but I got my knitting out and I'm trying to make a hat for my son from leftover yarn--that feels good on multiple levels.

Herby!

Thank you hun. Agreed, the immense pressure around this time of year can be overwhelming! Ahh, I thought I was crazy not shopping or watching TV, haha. (Is it not really not that crazy if I avoid these things like the plague?!) They just make me feel kinda down, reminding me that I'm too poor, can't work (for money), don't have much family/ friends/ support.
Setting up a nice, chilled environment (gotta love candles, incense, reading, tea, pretty lights), like you said herby, makes me feel so much better about life. I'm learning to try and.. embrace? these things, instead of being stuck in a circle of self hatred/ depression/ social exclusion.

I know it sounds totally ridiculous-- (please understand I've always had horrid social anxiety, then general anxiety, then agoraphobia. Even online I've always found it incredibly hard, embarrassing and shameful to try and be open and speak.)
-- I'm still in awe that trying to talk to other humans, *without drugs*, is actually helpful?
That trying to repress things, and dealing with life by completely isolating yourself, is actually bad, and is not the best solution to well, anything and everything?
I know I sound totally crazy/ nuts, but I'm genuinely shocked that talking = (sometimes)good ?

Anyway, yay. I'm managing to deal with physical, uncontrollable things so much better now. I have bad days (like when I posted the original post), moments I can't handle life, but I'm starting to learn how to deal with the bad things, and have put obstacles in the way, so I can't act on impulse.

Helping others is incredibly rewarding, and I can't wait for my volunteer position to start properly (done the training, but the positions don't start till Jan and Feb). It's not enough though, I know more can be done. Any advice?

I'm sorry for being incredibly incoherent by the way, I'm terrible at communicating. I don't know how to speak properly without talking too little or too much, struggle to say the right socially acceptable things, etc..

Anyway, thanks for responding/ reading (anyone) if you managed this/ any of my posts. Sorry for.. craziness.

Thank you to all the random BL'ers that have sent me messages as well, and please (any bored lurkers), give me a message if you want to talk.