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Clean for a while along came a pretty girl with a needle - I'm scared

FordRiverFailed

FordRiverFailed

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 19, 2010
Messages
251
Location
In the middle of the tunnel, I think I see a light
So I was doing very well for quite some time, thanks to some very special bluelighters like caseface and Captain.Heroin, however this pretty girl I knew showed me the needle. I don't know how to hit myself, still dont, but after a bad miss in my hand I decided to take drastic action. I've gotten clean many times, I do not say that to brag, it's hell because after a few months I get back on the ride again. But I can go through the physical withdrawals and somehow function, it's strange and I don't understand it either. Never vomited in my life. *Sorry I'm talking about Opiate addiction, forgot to mention* My DOCs are oxymorphone, dilaudid, and heroin.

I am currently tapering on suboxone, I have 2 and 3/4 8mg subs left. I have no way of getting more, that's why I'm so down right now. I have been doing good tapering, messed up last night and did 20mg oxymorphone, and ate way too many of my clonazepam perscription. I take 2mg (3 x daily.) So now I'm down to like 64 instead of 90, as I am sure my drug addict friend could not help himself. This is a lifelong friend, known each other since children, and this has caused us to split as of a few hours ago. I don't know for sure if he took anything, and I did not blame him, but he thought I did. I have no way of knowing who took what I blacked out.

I'm feeling quite alone, not only was that my best friend, but also the only place I could get subs to possibly taper down off of a new and terrible IV habit. I only IV'd for about 2 weeks and stopped. Have not touched a needle in a month and a half. It scared the shit out of me. Watching what it did to my friend, who lets be honest I was enjoying having around, eventually made me see where that leads. Also, the bad places we had to go? I mean I've been around the block a few times but IV changes everything.

Point is I'm scared. I stopped IVing, but I'm still so afraid, I don't understand does anyone have any advice?

To clarity: My friend who I lost, who I really don't think stole from me, had enough subs for me to taper. He was also my best friend since I can remember. A girl I know, who I'm still friends with, that I keep my distance from now is the one who started me on the needle. I stopped after about 2 or 3 weeks. I had already gotten back on insufflated heroin and oxymorphone before that for about 3 months.
 
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FordRiverFailed said:
I mean I've been around the block a few times but IV changes everything
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true that...

but why are you scared to stop bangin? esp if you say the WDs dont both you and you cant hit yourself (also hittin in the hand isnt a good idea... i did it there once, didnt miss the shot and my hand still swelled up... anyways)

im not trying to be a dick but it just doesnt sound like your all that addicted and mabe most of it is in your head, because believe me full on WDs are unbearable for everyone ive ever meet or talked to and thats 95% of the reason ppl dont get clean... so if your not goin thru em that bad and have subs then just stop before it really does become a problem....

also if ya dont mind me askin how old are ya?
 
I'm 25. I've been heavily addicted to Oxymorphone before. I was doing around 120 mg a day snorted. And I don't mean I can get "clean" with no pain. It fucking hurts, I don't vomit even at high doses, but I sweat, hate life, cramp up, all the other stuff. What I mean to say is that I've gotten off of subs and everything 4 times now. My friends, even my good ones, end up dragging me back in.

Also I guess I meant I feel afraid because I feel like I've damaged myself beyond repair by doing that. The usual fears, aids, hepatitis, etc. Also, I am super safe with everything I do. I volunteer for many different harm reduction programs at music festivals and stuff. I'm scaring myself because I know the dangers. I always used clean equipment, but me and this girl also got...uhh...intimate a few times and since I don't remember all of that I don't know how safe I was when I was pseudo blacked out.
 
She also introduced me to crack cocaine, something I would never want to do, but I actually did not really like it. Luckily, uppers are not my jam. But the knowledge that I did that, the knowledge of where I've been and what I've done is killing me. Like, even though I stopped it haunts me. Not in the, "I want to do it again" way, but in the "What the fuck have I done to my life" way.

Does that make any since at all? It was like the one time I smoked meth, my friends made me do way to much and when I closed me eyes all I saw was that pipe spinning. Most miserable experience of my life. Never wanted to even see that drug again. That's how I feel about this, I never want to do it again, but the idea that I did is killing me.

I just feel like a worthless fuck up that deserves to be put down.
 
i feel ya man and know exzactly wat your sayin... i look back and think wtf was i thinkin but thats life... ya can only plan it out soo much...

but yea old friends are hard to be around when your tryin to get clean and i hate uppers too... smoked rocks once and def didnt like that shit... but just hang in there youll be ight

and i have hep c from reusing rigs and yea it sucks but the doc says most ppl dont really have any negative effects from it for ten years and they have meds out there to cure it... which i need to sign up for... but you should go get tested for everything if your worried about it... itll help put ur mind at ease...
 
How long do you have to wait to be tested? I've heard there is like an incubation period or something like 3 months before the tests are accurate? Also, thank you so much for being the first to reply. This all just hit me at once and I was having a panic attack. Much appreciated pill_billy. Nice name by the way, I'm a southerner so that's pretty funny.
 
The only other thing I wanted to ask on this thread is a good taper plan. I can lay out a detailed summary of what I've been using and for how long, as well as what I have stocked up to taper with. I go to school so I can't be in full opiate withdrawals like if I went cold turkey. Could anyone help me out with a taper plan? I'll start working on a timeline of what I've used and for how long before I started subs.

P.S. I am familiar with the phreex guide for when you have no subs, I'm talking about a taper plan with what I have to minimize damage.
 
FordRiverFailed said:
How long do you have to wait to be tested? I've heard there is like an incubation period or something like 3 months before the tests are accurate? Also, thank you so much for being the first to reply. This all just hit me at once and I was having a panic attack. Much appreciated pill_billy. Nice name by the way, I'm a southerner so that's pretty funny.
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ive heard for aids it may not show up for like 6 months but other then that the docs never said anything about something commin up later...

and yea alot of ppl ask me if my name is bill and im just like man you missed the whole joke... but yea i use to goto FLA back when the mills was popin and ppl down there use to always call us pill billies and i thought it was about the funniest thing id ever heard so i use that shit all the time now...

as for the taper plan... best bet is to take whatever you have or plan on gettin and start with your reg dose and work your way down to nothing over two weeks... and clonodine patches and pills are fukin amazing and take away a solid 95% of WD symptoms...
 
I have access to that as well as a whole gamet of supplements. From 5-htp to l-dopa and GABA and Phenibut. I also still have those 64 or so 2 mg clonazepam. Even though I normally take them daily should I just take 1 a day instead of 2 this month to save some up for when I run out of subs?

Sorry to bother you, but I've been doing about 2 to 4 snorted points of good H a day for about 4 months, either that or 30 to 45mg snorted oxymorphone a day just to maintain a buzz. It takes me about 1.5 mg of suboxone to feel normal. I have about 12 mg.
-How would you break that down each day?
-How far can I stretch that because I've cut all ties, both accidentally and on purpose in some cases, so that's it.

That's all I have. My tolerance is moderate-low ish? I guess I have no idea? I read a lot about psychs, DMT, MDMA and "hippy drugs" if you will, since I'm a music festival person, but as many times as I've done this, gotten addicted then shaken it, I don't know if that's a large habit or not.

P.S. My last IV was 2 weeks ago, after this taper is that going to make my WDs worse than I'm used to with just snorting addiction? If not then that's wonderful. Out of this 4 to 5 month romp with opiates again, I was only IVing for about 2 weeks I stopped that a month ago after a bad experience with a miss. I can't hit myself and this idiot just jabbed it into my arm and pushed the plunger. Somehow it never hurt and I can't feel any lump or anything. Also, a miss in my hand by another friend scared the shit out of me so I assure you I'm never going back to that. I'm freaking out about hiv and hep as it is. I'm normally a harm reduction counselor at music festivals, so I'm pretty far off target, guess that's why I'm feeling so low.
 
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Haha well I'm glad I got your joke. I was young but I remember the days of Florida trips. People would run down there and come back sitting quite right. Oh, the good/terrible old days haha. Thank you so much for the help, I just really needed someone to talk to tonight. It's been a rough day. I have a ton of homework to do, but I'm able to get it done as well as get your wonderful advice. Thank you very much pill_billy.
 
FordRiverFailed said:
Oh, the good/terrible old days haha.
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yea man shits seems like a life time ago... fuckin 20+ hours straight drivin...

FordRiverFailed said:
I have access to that as well as a whole gamet of supplements. From 5-htp to l-dopa and GABA and Phenibut. I also still have those 64 or so 2 mg clonazepam. Even though I normally take them daily should I just take 1 a day instead of 2 this month to save some up for when I run out of subs?

Sorry to bother you, but I've been doing about 2 to 4 snorted points of good H a day for about 4 months, either that or 30 to 45mg snorted oxymorphone a day just to maintain a buzz. It takes me about 1.5 mg of suboxone to feel normal. I have about 12 mg.
-How would you break that down each day?
-How far can I stretch that because I've cut all ties, both accidentally and on purpose in some cases, so that's it.

That's all I have. My tolerance is moderate-low ish? I guess I have no idea? I read a lot about psychs, DMT, MDMA and "hippy drugs" if you will, since I'm a music festival person, but as many times as I've done this, gotten addicted then shaken it, I don't know if that's a large habit or not.

P.S. My last IV was 2 weeks ago, after this taper is that going to make my WDs worse than I'm used to with just snorting addiction? If not then that's wonderful. Out of this 4 to 5 month romp with opiates again, I was only IVing for about 2 weeks I stopped that a month ago after a bad experience with a miss. I can't hit myself and this idiot just jabbed it into my arm and pushed the plunger. Somehow it never hurt and I can't feel any lump or anything. Also, a miss in my hand by another friend scared the shit out of me so I assure you I'm never going back to that. I'm freaking out about hiv and hep as it is. I'm normally a harm reduction counselor at music festivals, so I'm pretty far off target, guess that's why I'm feeling so low.
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but your good man... def not botherin me...

but ight say ya startin off w 4 bags/folds/points/wat ever... ud do 4 the first couple days, 3 the next couple, 2 the next couple... ect ect ect until you get to the point where your good... but alot of ppl cant do it and end up sayin fuk it and doin 10 bags on the last day but the patches really do work miracles and if honestly IMO if your only doin 2-4 bags a day you mite be ight to just go straight to the clonodine... i was doing half a g a day when i stopped and i weened myself down to using a 1/4 g every other day then went to the patch and it worked... the worst part is the mind fuck it gives you... after a week clean i felt normal and everything then right as it was getting to the one month mark i started gettin the sweats and cold chills again... guess its called PAWS... but just hang in there shit will get easier...
 
Thanks man. So your suggesting tapering with points and not subs, then getting on subs later or just stopping? Right now I am fine with 1mg suboxone in the morning and 1 at night. I'm going to cut that in half in two days. I have benzos on hand but I have to take them as prescribed, as I don't want to withdraw off of those. I did save up some though for a bad day. What are your thoughts with what I'm doing now? Anyone? This whole needle thing has scared the shit out of me I have nightmares about it. Like, even though I went back to snorting, and have not banged anything in a month I feel disgusting. I feel like it will be worse for some reason. Is that just in my head?

P.S. Sorry, I had to take care of my mother she is schizophrenic. Meant to post back sooner. Anyone who has any ideas on the most gentle taper I can get out of this, and who can explain my utter disgust with myself for using a needle ever, please talk to me.

P.S.S. I have gotten off of subs and everything twice before for years on end, I'm just unfortunate enough to have a life long friend who will never get clean and I end up messing up one day. Then...well...you know the rest.
 
I hope you're able to turn things around. My question is, are they really your friends if this is where you're headed? Real friends should support you and not tempt you with life's miseries such as drugs. I hope things get better for you.
 
I wouldnt taper with H because thats dam near impossible..u will ALWAYS find an excuse to do more..id start with the subs when your ready to taper and when u get down to a real low dose of subs try and skip a day between doses and when u feel comfortable/run out of subs use some kratom like u said if u still feel like u need it.

I used kratom to get off stronger opiates.. stuff is nice because its weak enough to not draw out withdrawal too much but it puts u in a better mood to just accept it and ride it out.but it did begin a slight kratom habit but thats life.lol

oh and all that stuff about regretting what u did and pissed at yourself..that event might of been the thing to scare u straight and give u a reason to stop..just accept that it happend and move on and focus ALL of your energy to the present and get yourself off the H..its amazing what u can accomplish by becoming your best friend and not your worst enemy..support yourself, forgive yourself.best of luck my friend
 
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