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"Clean date set": TOMORROW:)! Would love advise and others to join along:)!!

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Bernc1

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Mar 22, 2015
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"Clean date set": TOMORROW:)! Would love advise and others to join along:)!!

Well, tomorrow is my "big day". I'm meeting with a suboxone doctor that my doctor referred me to. Last week when referred (and I finally told my doctor the truth which is that I not only use the oxycodone he prescribed but also use ALOT more that has been given to me for free from my sister for years now), I felt FREE:). Now I feel scared.

My "habit" began about 3 years ago and grew into a fullblown addiction about 2 years ago. My useage is anywhere from 100-150 mgs per day. I go into wds within 4 hours of dosing and get the worst of the worst. The worst by far being a mini stroke due to my blood pressure sky rocketing. I get though, of course, all else that any other opiate addict gets too but to the extreme. And I'm only wording it that way because I know it's different for everyone.

Anyway, now I'm getting mixed reviews and beginning to question myself. Is this normal? My own little way of trying to back out? I know if I don't get help now that my addiction will continue (and that I will have no meds soon) because I've actually taken a step I never thought I would be able to and pretty much "told off" my sister once I finally came to terms with the fact that she uses me for my Xanax and as we all know if that's stopped the potential for death is much higher then if an opiate is stopped and she's run me short many times. The reason she gives me the oxys is because she also is prescribed mass amounts of methadone and I didn't know up until recently that Xanax intensifies the effects of methadone.

I want to add that I do have severe and legitimate health conditions that led to (besides a ton of other medications) my being prescribed a narcotic. Yet how was I ever to explain that 20 mgs was leading to huge wds? I wanted to stop lying. I want to be "clean" so very bad. I'd much prefer to deal with the pain of my illnesses as opposed to the pain of wds plus the seclusion of friends, constantly counting my pills.......basically my entire life began revolving around them and I cared about nothing else.

I do have a few questions though for anyone that knows the answers and would be kind enough to reply:):
1. At the dose I take would a doctor find suboxone to be appropriate? I ask this because I see so many others on here taking so much more then I do and not being prescribed it.
2. Has anyone done a successful taper? My doctor did mention giving me a script for 120 5 mgs (what I usually get) if I felt I could do it but I'm not sure I could since I'm pretty sure I'd still be really sick yet I've never really tried and given it my all and this time I'm dead set on doing this.
3. Do most clinics accept insurance and do you have to go daily? That may be a hard one and may go by the location of where you live.
4. I have taken Xanax for severe anxiety and panic disorder since 2009. In most cases the dose needs to go up. In mine I actually lowered it by myself. I take 1-2 mgs per day. Anyway, I was told (and did read) that it's not safe to mix Xanax and suboxone yet I've also read that as long as it's not an extremely high dose that it's ok.
5. Will it also help my pain and for the most part will the cravings go away? Sometimes I swear I have an addiction all of its own kind.....snorting (crazy, right??). Yet I've never snorted any other drug and never resorted to using heroin to ease up my wds even though I could have. Yet as is said: "Never say never."

I know I should just go with whatever the doctor says (plus what my instincts tell me to do yet now that the time is coming closer, as I said, they are so mixed). Plus I've also seen where some (not all) suboxone doctors use them on people for much longer then necessary just for profit if I were to have to pay out of pocket and that the addiction to them is so much worse yet if it meant a life long thing where I'd no longer feen and that some of the pain would be at least eased up that is being caused by what will be a "forever illness" then it would be well worth it to me.

I've of course done a ton of my own research but for me right now there would be nothing better then to hear from some of you who have had experience with subs.

My brain right now just feels in complete overdrive yet no matter what, I AM DOING THIS. I've never wanted anything more in my life.....which is to have my life BACK:)!!!

Please any input would be appreciated so much. I've never so quickly trusted and can honestly say love a complete group of strangers as much as I do all of you<3. Blue light and its members are THE BEST:)

Either way, I KNOW it is going to be hard but that part I feel I am prepared for. Some other issues though I feel I'm not and I also wonder if they are "normal". Such as even just looking at myself in the mirror, doing my hair, makeup.....etc etc. On drugs I always thought I looked "nice". Off them? I looked awful to myself and sure as hell felt it as well. Sorry to any guy readers as I know you don't (or most don't anyway:)) have to worry about your hair and makeup but perhaps you could relate it to beard trimming or which shirt and pants to pick out for the day:).

In a way, I just feel like that no matter which path I end up going with that I'm not going to know who I even am anymore...if that makes sense.

Again, I would love to hear from anyone who's "clean" now, what "road" you chose and how you felt. I would also welcome anyone (of course knowing that not many of you will also have an appointment tomorrow) to choose to use tomorrow as your "end date" and take this "journey" with me:). I'm hoping to be able to write daily as for progress, what I'm doing...etc...as (like I've said on other threads and posts) I feel that writing (in any form) is so beneficial.

Anyway, much love to you all<3! And congrats to all those that I see on this forum who have been "clean" for quite some time:)!! I'm anticipating "slip ups" but I just don't ever want to give up:)!!
 
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Bernc-yes, it is soo normal to question your decision. You're letting go of your security blanket. But, you're really trading it in for a much softer, warmer and real one. And yes, I also know about how you hate how you look when you're not high...as females-we are in a society w a lot of pressure to look a certain way. It's ridiculous. Work on one thing at a time.

You're not strange at all for liking your preferred ROA....I liked IV. That in itself truly was part of the whole damn thing. I still think about it at times...But, I now know just because I feel like doing something doesn't mean I have to do it. The compulsion is difficult. Suboxone may help you with that. I have heard many people say it did help a lot w it.

Do your hair and makeup everyday. It doesn't have to be insane full-face, I mean, the basics so you feel presentable. Take care of you. I know you're going to be ok. Try to focus on today only. You are starting suboxone. That's enough to think about today. It doesn't all come together immediately. I'm pulling for you. Best of everything today!!!!! <3
 
I don't have a ton of time to reply but as for the Xanax, talk to your doctor about it. For two reasons, 1. Because benzo withdrawal is dangerous 2. Because if you are taking it without prescription you likely be unable to continue.

As for snorting the sub, I'd urge you to not do so. Again, for two reasons.. 1. Because inter-nasal of suboxone is not as effective, meaning you will not be getting the doctor prescribed dosage 2. Because you will likely just re-enforce your addiction

Getting on Suboxone or any Medication Assisted Therapy is about keeping the withdrawal away while you can establish new patterns and learn how to live clean and in abstinence. It is not something to replace the opiate with in order to allow you to continue using other drugs.

Sub is great when used as intended, when its used as a "don't get sick" pill then it can be very harmful.
 
Ill answer your questions using the numbers you did
1. Yes you are a good sub candidate
2. Some people can taper fine others cant. It all depends on you. Personally I suggest you try to taper with either sub or oxy before commiting to long term maintenance. It is going to be much easier to quit now than to quit after a couple years of being on maintenance.
3. Depends where you live and what kind of insurance you have. Call around to different sub docs in your area to find out.
4. Well yes mixing opiates and benzos isn't exactly safe but considering you have been doing it for years its not like your going to drop dead. Don't abruptly stop the Xanax because it can cause seizures and do actual damage to your brain.
5. It will not help your pain as well as oxy did that is for sure. But again everyone is different so you will simply have to find out as you go.
 
I thank you all tremendously for your responses and I apologize for my mass ton of questions. Now though? I'm really depressed. I was rejected for the subs.

For one, due to my insurance and for 2 because of the Xanax even though it is prescribed. I've been prescribed 3 mgs per day by a psychiatrist for 6 years due to major panic disorder. I've never overtaken them (if anything I've undertaken them) but I've also after multiple attempts (even rehab years ago) never been able to stay off of them because the withdrawals were endless. Meaning for me? They lasted for months. Maybe that's not normal for some but it was for me and when I began to drink heavily to try to reduce the withdrawals I then asked my doctor to be put back on them (he didn't even know I went to rehab and had no problem doing it). I also know about the potential for seizures and even death if they are stopped abruptly. Alcohol and benzo's: 2 things I would've never guessed years ago that could cause either/or. One that's prescribed and the other that can be legally purchased. Go figure:(.

I was given the choice then by my doctor yesterday to try to taper but declined the offer and now I'm thinking? I don't know WHAT I'm thinking. Forever now it's going to be on my medical record that I abused my meds. I do have pain issues that aren't going to resolve ever yet I also know I'll never be able to use them properly. I'm 100% sure of it.

I never intended to use the subs inappropriately. Throughout the 6 years I've been prescribed Xanax? Never once did I even consider snorting them. But put an oxy in front of me? There's no way I'd want to take it orally and for that I myself don't even understand. I thought this would be a "fresh start" for me. Yet I also do know that any "maintenance" program could lead to a lifelong addiction also.

Then I think of other women like you, Stargazer. How strong you are, how much you've been through. And I want to take your advise. I WANT to just push myself to do the simple things that we women (or rather women that don't or haven't ever had an addiction problem) just naturally do. You're a true inspiration to me yet can I follow in your footsteps as in be able to do this? I don't know.

God, I just feel so f'in depressed right now when I felt so full of hope over the weekend. Yesterday, I still didn't give up that hope and I tried calling (and I even took count this time) 11 rehab centers. None will take my insurance but I can detox in them all if I can come up with thousands of dollars. Each time I said I could pay but just not in full at once I got nearly the same response which was basically: "well if you could afford the drugs then you can find a way to afford the change". Again, I've never bought them and I know that may sound unbelievable (especially to them) but it is true. My sister happens to have what some may refer to as a "good doctor" and she is prescribed 160 mgs of methadone per day (and not even for addiction but rather for pain management) and also gets 180, 10 mgs of oxycodone per month (same doctor) for break through pain. I then also got my own when I was diagnosed with my illnesses. Yet still, I never fail to run out too quickly and that will never change.

Then somehow, in between her just handing them out to me like "candy" 3 years ago in which at any given time I probably had a "spare" 50 extra because I swore I'd never, ever become an addict and only take them on rare occasion (yet now when I think back? Why didn't I just tell her I had PLENTY?)....she found out she liked my Xanax.

Anyway, people have put me down on here for writing "rambling posts" on my own threads and I've definitely just done that again. The fact is though? This is the only place I don't lie. I used to frequent Facebook yet I'm a fake on there so I don't even bother even though I keep getting messages from people who are worried about me. Afraid I may have died. Yet not due to drug useage but rather due to my illnesses and also due to another very serious reason. Yet I'm no longer "me". I can't have friends because I'm not able to reciprocate friendship right now. I hate myself though for not at least telling them all that I'm at least still alive. How selfish is that of me? All and all, I've already failed.

Here I went and told my doctor I didn't want to taper yet woke in the middle of the night (after taking my prescribed 4,200 mgs of Neurontin (all at once though), 40 mgs of Baclofen, 10 mgs of Lisinopril and 1 mg of Xanax) drenched in sweat (of course the freezing sweat though), my heart pounding, shaking and of course then the inevitable throwing up. An hour ago I received a text asking if I wanted a few methadone. And I'm sad and embarrassed to say that I didn't decline the offer. I already took one of the 4 I got and as much as I feel better and would like to take another? I'm finding myself to be just glaring at them, hating them. I WANT sobriety SO MUCH and just don't understand why I can't get the help I SO MUCH want. The RIGHT help. Not the "fix me up for one day" kind:(

Lastly if it's wondered why my insurance is being declined it's because I once had an excellent household income (and had "regular", I guess you call it health insurance through my job....within saying "regular", I do mean it sarcastically) but was in an extremely abusive relationship in which on numerous occasions I nearly died hence some (not all) of my medical conditions. I wrote a thread about it last year (concerning the abuse and my addiction) on a holiday in which he was incarcerated for almost killing me but removed it out of fear that I shared too much personal information and because I took him back like a fool since he "met God in jail". Anyway, besides his excellent income (without even needing to work since our government seems to think that being psychotic is grounds for allowing the maximum amount of money to be funded to someone....he received it after his 1st attempt at killing me. The army deemed him as being 100% psychotic and just handed over to him $3,250 per month....only 500 of it for being married to me and that's all I'm getting now)....As for my career I loved it so very much but sadly had to stop working when I became ill. Now? I'm out of the relationship finally and although initially I swore not to I swallowed my pride not too long ago and sought governmental medical assistance. I word it that way because I always tend to think that others need help more then I do but this time I do feel I was wrong and that I should have sought it sooner. Women in transition have been helping with my bills (putting some on hold for the time being) and I don't know what I'd do without their help. Thankfully I own my own home and vehicle (but usually can't drive) which are the only things that can't be taken from me since they were left to me in my parents will. I've not applied for food stamps nor will I but did for liheap (to heat my house and thankfully qualified for it). So anyway, I have a roof over my head and heat for now and medical insurance but since I went from somewhat "rich" to poor I can't get help for my addiction.

Again, I don't even really expect anyone to read this. It just felt good to "get it all out". Also, if a moderator sees this and wants to move it to TDS? That's fine but I'm really TRYING to remain hopeful that something is going to come through and that somehow, someway I will be able to get the help that I feel I deserve as much as anyone else who wants it so very much. Much love to all<3
 
I'm so sorry to hear about the denial at the doctor's office. It can be really difficult for people taking a benzo (or barb or similar other drug) at the time they seek assistence with buprenorphine - or methadone for that matter, but I'll get to it later. Many docs just think you're prescribed benzos because you conned a poor unsuspecting psych into prescribing them to you or are just abusing them regardless, particularly when you're prescribed alprazolam or diazepam (or perhaps in some countries temazepam).

There are plenty of docs out there who won't just turn you away at the door when they see you're taking Xanax though Explain the situation to the doctor directly, how long you've been taking it and why you're taking it. Explaining to her about the psycological damage that the abusive relationship did to you should go a long way and give you serious credibility, if any previous conditions don't convince her you're not prescribed Xanax because you're a drug seeker. Def explain the situation with your ex (and thank god he is your ex, and BRAVO for getting the fuck outta there - it is not easy in that situ), and tell them about your financial issue right now with money, because then they may prescribe you Subutex (or some type of buprenorphine that is generic) and you can save a HUGE amount of money on your script if insurance doesn't pay for it. And explain to her (the doctor) how you want to move on in your life, become a healthier person, and that you need help getting off opioids to do so. Her, the doctor's, help.

Are you going to seek out another doctor that can prescribe Suboxone or Subutex? There are more and more doctor specializing in "addiction medicine" and other "disorders" that can prescribe buprenorphine and also work with people with people suffering from anxiety disorders and need to also take Xanax or Klonopin (or other conditions like ADHD where they have to take amphetamines). This kind of doctor would be ideal because she could work with managing both your prescriptions and conditions. I'm not interested in playing doctor, but maybe a specialist like that could prescribe you a different benzo like clonazepam that might better manage your anxiety/panic attacks while on bupe?

I'm not sure where you are in the world, so I guess you should keep in mind I'm speaking from someone who lives in the states, but... WTF about the insurance situation? Aren't there doctors who would take it who can prescribe buprenorphine?! Here in the states even people on the dole and indigents with state sponsored health insurance are able to find docs who can write scripts for Suboxone (like me for a couple years there, I was on Medicaid basically and was able to find a sub doc and get on bupe), although it often can take a while because of waiting times.

And what about methadone? Ever considered getting on that? Even a 21 day detox seems like it would do you wonders, although you do sound like you're a better candidate for a six month detox all things considered. Methadone is so much cheaper than bupe, or rather Suboxone in particular, and methadone clinics are generally way cheaper than Suboxone doctors. Generally state sponsored insurance will cover methadone clinics (actually I've never heard of it not in the US, Canada, NZ, Oz and Britain, Ireland and Scotland, and I know it's covered in other countries and parts of the world too). Getting on a 21, six month or longer detox/taper plan with methadone is SO much easier for people who can't afford to just walk into a Suboxone doctor's office and pay out the ass, so I strongly suggest you at least consider this option.

From what I'm hearing in your posts, it really seems like for know what you want and crave now is just an effective detox plan. That right? I mean I know you want sobriety after too, but you can focus on that after you get off the opioids. Anywho, there are some great alternatives to bupe and methadone out there for detoxing. Kratom could make a hell of a diff, although it can be a little hard to get for some and can be a little expensive given the circumstances. There are other ways to detox, like using Codeine (CWE) if it's OTC in your area. That, and if you've tried it before and didn't hate it, DXM can provide truly amazing relief as a detox aid if it's available. While in withdrawal many if not most people without a condition that contradicts its use can pretty easily tolerate enough of a dose of DXM to make a big diff.

Honestly, I highly suggest looking into finding other Suboxone doctors AND looking into Methadone clinics in your area. Like the sub docs, some methadone clinics are really anal or won't even accept new patients taking a benzo (this is in the US and almost always with clinics run by private companies; I believe things are difference in Oz and Britain), but, especially if you explain the abusive relationship and why your taking Xanax, the majority of methadone clinics should be okay with taking you on as a patient.

I hope you find some relief ASAP. Let us know how it goes. I don't mind your "rambling" posts, actually enjoyed reading them. Maybe that's cause my posts are rambling... ;) If you ever need to talk shoot me a pm.

Sometime the hardest thing is the true desire to become a better, healthier person with more to live for. You've make a huge step in the right direction already, so keep up the good work!!! <3
 
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toothpastedog said:
I'm so sorry to hear about the denial at the doctor's office. It can be really difficult for people taking a benzo (or barb or similar other drug) at the time they seek assistence with buprenorphine - or methadone for that matter, but I'll get to it later. Many docs just think you're prescribed benzos because you conned a poor unsuspecting psych into prescribing them to you or are just abusing them regardless, particularly when you're prescribed alprazolam or diazepam (or perhaps in some countries temazepam).

There are plenty of docs out there who won't just turn you away at the door when they see you're taking Xanax though Explain the situation to the doctor directly, how long you've been taking it and why you're taking it. Explaining to her about the psycological damage that the abusive relationship did to you should go a long way and give you serious credibility, if any previous conditions don't convince her you're not prescribed Xanax because you're a drug seeker. Def explain the situation with your ex (and thank god he is your ex, and BRAVO for getting the fuck outta there - it is not easy in that situ), and tell them about your financial issue right now with money, because then they may prescribe you Subutex (or some type of buprenorphine that is generic) and you can save a HUGE amount of money on your script if insurance doesn't pay for it. And explain to her (the doctor) how you want to move on in your life, become a healthier person, and that you need help getting off opioids to do so. Her, the doctor's, help.

Are you going to seek out another doctor that can prescribe Suboxone or Subutex? There are more and more doctor specializing in "addiction medicine" and other "disorders" that can prescribe buprenorphine and also work with people with people suffering from anxiety disorders and need to also take Xanax or Klonopin (or other conditions like ADHD where they have to take amphetamines). This kind of doctor would be ideal because she could work with managing both your prescriptions and conditions. I'm not interested in playing doctor, but maybe a specialist like that could prescribe you a different benzo like clonazepam that might better manage your anxiety/panic attacks while on bupe?

I'm not sure where you are in the world, so I guess you should keep in mind I'm speaking from someone who lives in the states, but... WTF about the insurance situation? Aren't there doctors who would take it who can prescribe buprenorphine?! Here in the states even people on the dole and indigents with state sponsored health insurance are able to find docs who can write scripts for Suboxone (like me for a couple years there, I was on Medicaid basically and was able to find a sub doc and get on bupe), although it often can take a while because of waiting times.

And what about methadone? Ever considered getting on that? Even a 21 day detox seems like it would do you wonders, although you do sound like you're a better candidate for a six month detox all things considered. Methadone is so much cheaper than bupe, or rather Suboxone in particular, and methadone clinics are generally way cheaper than Suboxone doctors. Generally state sponsored insurance will cover methadone clinics (actually I've never heard of it not in the US, Canada, NZ, Oz and Britain, Ireland and Scotland, and I know it's covered in other countries and parts of the world too). Getting on a 21, six month or longer detox/taper plan with methadone is SO much easier for people who can't afford to just walk into a Suboxone doctor's office and pay out the ass, so I strongly suggest you at least consider this option.

From what I'm hearing in your posts, it really seems like for know what you want and crave now is just an effective detox plan. That right? I mean I know you want sobriety after too, but you can focus on that after you get off the opioids. Anywho, there are some great alternatives to bupe and methadone out there for detoxing. Kratom could make a hell of a diff, although it can be a little hard to get for some and can be a little expensive given the circumstances. There are other ways to detox, like using Codeine (CWE) if it's OTC in your area. That, and if you've tried it before and didn't hate it, DXM can provide truly amazing relief as a detox aid if it's available. While in withdrawal many if not most people without a condition that contradicts its use can pretty easily tolerate enough of a dose of DXM to make a big diff.

Honestly, I highly suggest looking into finding other Suboxone doctors AND looking into Methadone clinics in your area. Like the sub docs, some methadone clinics are really anal or won't even accept new patients taking a benzo (this is in the US and almost always with clinics run by private companies; I believe things are difference in Oz and Britain), but, especially if you explain the abusive relationship and why your taking Xanax, the majority of methadone clinics should be okay with taking you on as a patient.

I hope you find some relief ASAP. Let us know how it goes. I don't mind your "rambling" posts, actually enjoyed reading them. Maybe that's cause my posts are rambling... ;) If you ever need to talk shoot me a pm.

Sometime the hardest thing is the true desire to become a better, healthier person with more to live for. You've make a huge step in the right direction already, so keep up the good work!!! <3
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I can't thank you enough for your "rambling" reply back<3. Silly sounding but I whole heartedly mean it:). As I wrote I just kept thinking: "who the hell on here is going to want to take the time to read this?!?!:)....and since I use my phone I can't preview what I write but rather I just press done and nearly every time I'm just like: "Oh geez, another book":). I used to always do it on Facebook too either as a comment or as my own post but as I said I've not been on there in months. And I DO hate scaring people who know my entire situation (minus the pills though which is why I stay away....I feel so deceitful. They all know about my illnesses and past abuse but not at all about my drug use.

Anyway, I somehow thought this was going to be so simple:(. I finally came clean to my doctor, was honest, he referred me and then I was denied. And THEN I went and declined tapering pills because I had the mind frame of "I can do this" and I don't want him to think I can't either. Yet the truth is I know I wouldn't be able to taper and I can't do this. Not without extra "help".

For once I felt I was finally making all the right choices in my life. Making my ex go. This time for good. I can't even get into my biggest "beating" from him without breaking down but I'll just say that within an 8 hour span I was held captive in my home and was given 3 choices as for how I wanted to die and he did try them all including shoving (I have no idea how many) Seroquel down my throat and then smashing my head onto our kitchen table until he claims I stopped breathing and that I should've been thankful that he was a medic in the army so he could revive me. I also want to add that I NEVER did anything wrong to him...alls I EVER did was tried to make him feel special and loved (since he claimed he never had that) and I always forgave him because he told me he did it because he was only ever treated horribly for his entire life and that he felt he loved me "too much". Now I think to myself: "WHO THE HELL CAN LOVE SOMEONE TOO MUCH??!!" To keep me from ever allowing him back into my life? The last time he abused me I knew it was coming. I always did because he would (as he called it become "out of body, beyond control" and just "snap") so I recorded it all on my phone. Now? When he sends me his frequent texts or voicemails of love? I listen to the recording. I "break" down every time but it's better then having more "broken" bones or black eyes.

Then I finally took what I felt was the next step over this past weekend: ending all ties with my own sister (the last of my family). We were close but the relationship we shared began to be fully based on pills. She had methadone to "cover her" when she would give me the oxycodone but there were many times where I had nothing to "cover me" when I ended up going for days with no Xanax.

Then this morning I go and blow it all. I'm offered the methadone from my 1st ex husband (the other I'm still unfortunately technically married to) who doesn't even use anything at all himself and hates what I did to myself (we are solely friends, he has a girlfriend, but he's never stopped caring about me especially when all in my town knew how badly I was being abused). I said stupid things last night so he went and did something he's fully against.

God, I'm so sorry for another ramble. I only took the one methadone (10 mgs) but I feel jittery, shakey, racey, extremely anxiety filled and nauseated. Every muscle feels like it's just trembling on its own and even a muscle relaxer I'm prescribed (a very strong one) and a Xanax isn't stopping it or helping at all.

I'm so embarrassed I even wrote this post. Even more embarrassed that I posted repeatedly on a recovery thread.

I just want help. That's it. I will always need medication for my illnesses and disorders but the opiates are gong to have to be a never again for me thing. And I do live in the U.S. I feel so lost right now and I just don't know what to do. I'm crying, I don't want to shower or get dressed or do anything.

Again, I feel I've taken every "1st step" I possibly could. My ex a few months ago. My own sister. My doctor. The suboxone clinic. All the calls to rehabs. Yet the biggest one to me? Admitting that I am powerless over drugs (and alcohol at times).....yet I can't get any help and that's what's killing me because I've never wanted anything any more then I want this. I don't want to stop trying. I don't want to be weak. I want so badly to fight this battle and to conquer it just like I've conquered so many other obstacles within my life.

Anyway, I am definitely in dire need of some friends right now who understand but I can't begin a private message by using the mobile site on here (and if I try to use the regular one I can't see anything...it's so small and I had to have my internet shut off and therefore can't use my laptop) but I can receive them and then reply. Thank you so very much again for your reply<3. Everyone on here is so very wonderful<3
 
Bernc I'm sorry to hear that :/ I also posted a thread and relapsed on the thread it's embarrassing I even deleted the account .... I'm at the same spot tomorrow I have college class and after that nothing till Monday and I start working hardcore high professional marble Quartz and nice granite work for my dads company fuck me I'm scared and I need to stop I don't even really crave to get high or even want to do a shot but I'm so sick fuck ! I wish they fought you that at school when were young instead of just repeating "drugs are bad " we'll explain why they're bad cause we smoke weed first thinking it's okay and than think Coke isn't so bad and so forth until a physical dependent drug gets a hold of you cause you've controlled everything else . Obviously weed is the gateway drug cause it's the safest "drug" it's the first step no one is gonna start doing meth and than start smoking cigarettes and blazing weed... So that myth is busted
 
What about you Helper? How have you been coping? It's okay to relapse, although I never liked the that kind of idea(ology), as to relapse does on some level imply failure to stay the course of the righteous. Have you considered a six months or less program on bupe or methadone? I like methadone more in these situation because it is waaaaay more structured, keeping you in check, despite the obvious drawbacks of having to go to the clinic and deal with clinic bullshit. Anyways I hope you're finding some measure of success. Please know we're always here for you - at leas those of the more humane, compassionate people here who've been in your shoes are :) <3 stay well!
 
Omg Bern...it's ok! Please don't feel embarrassed or bad. I am not that strong-I know you would done the same if you were locked up!! Insurance is a pain in the ass.

I had a job one summer-only for the summer because I quit- doing insurance billing. There were ten thousand codes, and it was up to me (?! wtf!) to decide what code it should be, and whether or not an individual should or should not get help- they suck. I couldn't get help w inpatient treatment either. I don't get that. You're asking for help, and told no...wtf is that about?! Then, called a drug-addict or considered "drug-seeking".

I have told you before, I'm not entirely sure how I stopped doing IV heroin....but I do know how I detoxed off of 300mg of morphine a day. Bern, the way I detoxed is NOT the way it should happen. Bad, bad bad....I could've died.

We're here to be supportive, not to judge you. You are on your own personal journey. It will work itself out....there is no set way, or right way. I'm here for you. Please, no apologies. I've been right where you are. PM me anytime.
 
I kept clicking on here all day today but then kept "nodding out". It's been days since I've slept "normal" and the muscle relaxers I am prescribed (and was taking as prescribed) seem to be working "too well" today. My phone ended up on the floor, in the tub and I'm lucky not in the toilet (although I fell asleep on it..embarrassingly not the 1st time), with my head in the tub and the water running. A "forced much needed bath" perhaps? I almost want to laugh but it's really not all that funny. And in case anyone wonders why I'm in my bathroom so much? That's a "given", I'm sure. I even layed blankets down in it and have a feeling it may be my new "home" for a while since nothing has changed but rather is only feeling worse.

Anyway, thank you all for the responses again and I just noticed P.M's which I'm going to read next:).

Invisible helper I hope you are feeling ok. Oh do I ever know the feeling "to a t". I don't want to use yet I don't want to be sick either and it's only going to get worse for me because I have been "dabbling" with the methadone I got so it's not like I'm "clean" yet due to the addiction I've got? It's not helping all that much. And I truly am in a ton of pain yet I often have stopped and thought: I wonder how well my other non narcotic meds really work? I never gave myself the chance to find out.

As for your last statement? I guess I've always worked "opposite" because I tried meth once when I was around 19 yet I guess you could say I had extreme self control because I liked it "too much" and never did it again. Around age 20? I became a pack a day cig smoker and swore never to smoke and never had before that. Go figure, right:)? Anyway, I just hope you find a way to pull through this and if you need any support feel free to reach out. I'll be around and sometimes it helps to not feel so alone but never feel upset if you feel you "fail". I was going to delete this post but decided against it. I was POSITIVE in my head that I was getting help yet help failed me and the fact is that it fails many or else many do decide they are going to quit and then slip or fall. It's getting back up that matters the most even if it takes 50 times to finally stay up:). You can do it, so can I....it's just finding the way.

Toothpastedog (my phone tried to spellcheck that into something nasty!!! Haha:)) and Stargazer, I've been hoping to hear back from you both but don't even know how to tell when people are online here or off and again I can't even begin a private message but like I said I saw that you both sent one and plan to reply right after this. Thanks:)!

I do want to say though, Toothpastedog (haha, now my phone "knows" your name since I typed it once:)) that I could possibly get more methadone (for free) and think that at least for now I should yet then the inevitable will happen in a few days. I did research it as well but only found a clinic around an hour away and called and I'd have to go everyday and that's not possible for me (yet I said the same about suboxone and someone on here found this doctor for me who is close so maybe I'm just not looking in the right places). Stargazer, I couldn't do it the way that you were forced to:(:(!! Omg, the mere thought scares the HELL out of me and DOES break my heart for you!!!!). I mean I "get" that its said time and time again that opiate wds cannot kill you. And many may forever say it but I don't agree...at all!! Not all people get the same wd symptoms. I know quite a few people have said "it's just like the flu. Three to five days and you'll be fine. Just suck it up". Like you, I don't just get "the flu". The seizures I've had have been at home in front of the "bad ex". He then knew I could call my "good ex" and that he'd go out of his way to "help" me and was even fine with it as long as he got a pill. The reason the "good ex" has helped me may be obvious but even if so I'm not stating it publically. And NOT anything sexual. Beside my being a pain in the ass, that's the furthest I've gone for a pill. Plus my blood pressure is already so high (and I take meds but as I said somewhere else I cant take clonidine) and it jumps to CRAZY #'s during wds and I've had mini strokes. One in which paralyzed my left hand (my dominant one) for many months. Yet guess what? I'd wait til I begged for pills until I went to the ER so as not to be "labeled". I'm SO lucky I'm alive. Even just how I throw up. I get so dehydrated so fast. The freezing sweats? I don't even want to sleep when I know I'm even going to wd a tiny bit (and mine begin within 4-5 hours after my last pill). I'm not saying this all for pity (and Stargazer, you are SO lucky to be alive too!!! Even WAAAYYYY MORESO THEN ME!) but rather I don't see how this doesn't "label" me as a prime candidate for suboxone or methadone because the wds are going to risk my life just like any other "illness" would plus I also have plenty of other illnesses. I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

I even checked into what would happen if I went to the ER and said I wanted to go to a "psych ward".....my thoughts were that they'd just make a person "suffer it out" and watch them. I was wrong. They keep a person for 5 days and give methadone. Is 5 days enough though? That I don't know. If so, it's possible I could do it at home (not with large amount though....I would say tops 10-20 mgs per day)......anyway, again, I'm at a total loss here. Any input would be so appreciated. I'm just getting more and more scared as the days go by. It may sound crazy but right now just even chatting with people I don't know is helping me so very much and I appreciate it more then words can say<3

Much love, hope, strength. thoughts and prayers going out to anyone who's fighting this battle right now<3. And to those who've fought and "won" (no matter which way you chose to do it)? You're all who I hope to be someday<3
 
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Although it did take me (and yes, it is long but usually I'm a fast typer:)) over an hour to write it (time spent not using though:)) and around 10 "edits"....if there are any other mistakes? Well, hopefully it's just "readable"....for anyone that feels up for reading a "mini novel" as for how my day was spent and what my thoughts are:).

Someone did once say that to me though. I wrote a different thread a while ago (of course a long one:)) and they posted: "try making it short so that people will read it". My 1st thoughts? No offense. It's not like I've ever had a title that said: "PLEASE READ!!! PLEASE READ!!! AS IN RIGHT NOW!!! READ THIS DAMNIT!! NOOOOWWWW!!!!" Haha:)
 
toothpastedog said:
What about you Helper? How have you been coping? It's okay to relapse, although I never liked the that kind of idea(ology), as to relapse does on some level imply failure to stay the course of the righteous. Have you considered a six months or less program on bupe or methadone? I like methadone more in these situation because it is waaaaay more structured, keeping you in check, despite the obvious drawbacks of having to go to the clinic and deal with clinic bullshit. Anyways I hope you're finding some measure of success. Please know we're always here for you - at leas those of the more humane, compassionate people here who've been in your shoes are :) <3 stay well!
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I have hardcore Russian parents that I live with in America I'm the oldest of 3 siblings 22 years old and other than my parents brother (18 who's a dick) and sister who's 9 I have no family in America everyone is in Belarus and Kazakhstan and they busted me with rigs 2 years ago and to them weed is like meth except my mom is cool with weed only. So they put me on detox lockdown cold turkey after that I've been keeping it a secret and it's been 2 years since I've gone even more than 36 hours without opiates :/ methadon ain't even a choice never been to a detox or rehab in my life it's always alone home kick no group meetings no support just you guys and the Internet . Plus methadone is liquid handcuffs . I did get 3 subuxone stocked up planning on a short 7 day sub taper maybe 5 day taper I'm in college as I type in an hour I'm home and I'm free from now till Monday so wish me luck I'll update here .
 
Invisible Helper said:
I have hardcore Russian parents that I live with in America I'm the oldest of 3 siblings 22 years old and other than my parents brother (18 who's a dick) and sister who's 9 I have no family in America everyone is in Belarus and Kazakhstan and they busted me with rigs 2 years ago and to them weed is like meth except my mom is cool with weed only. So they put me on detox lockdown cold turkey after that I've been keeping it a secret and it's been 2 years since I've gone even more than 36 hours without opiates :/ methadon ain't even a choice never been to a detox or rehab in my life it's always alone home kick no group meetings no support just you guys and the Internet . Plus methadone is liquid handcuffs . I did get 3 subuxone stocked up planning on a short 7 day sub taper maybe 5 day taper I'm in college as I type in an hour I'm home and I'm free from now till Monday so wish me luck I'll update here .
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I'm sorry that your parents haven't been understanding when it comes to addiction:(. That's one thing I'm quite positive that mine would've been if they were still here:(. It's times like this that I miss them the most but then I also think that if they saw me now with my illnesses and my addiction that it would just kill them all over again....

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings by 14 years. The "surprise baby" of the family. I was raised pretty much an only child and spoiled rotten. For that reason I'm not liked by my siblings. My dads death was unexpected, sudden and tragic (I can't talk about it without really breaking down) and my moms was slow and horrific (I stopped working to care for her)....neither was easier then the other because I was so close to both. None of the rest were (besides to steal medicine from them). The reason I'm bringing this up has a point. I remember sitting and filling my dads weekly med container. 3, 80 oxycontins per day, oxycodone (I don't remember the dose) and and then applying his fentanyl patch. I thought? So what? Pain medication. Until I saw in my local newspaper: "OxyContin, the new hillbilly heroin". I FLEW into his doctors office demanding to know WHY my dad was on "prescribed heroin"!!! After I saw him withdraw? I just let it go. The others flocked though. Putting him into wds all the time. And the pain meds were solely because he had a "good doctor", one who wanted him to remain as he wanted to which was "young forever". At the same time though my mom was becoming more ill. She on the other hand NEVER touched a drug or a drink in her entire life. Even when she was passing away and was placed on hospice I was to give her morphine sulfate. She refused it. She was also receiving Xanax suppositories which she refused. I remember her being so happy that they were all "coming around". I didn't have the heart to tell her that her liquid was always missing though and the suppositories. All and and all, I received everything they owned, hence the hatred for me. Around 3 years ago is when I "reconnected" with my second of age in line sister and we were very close yet due to age it was more like she was a mom to me. I do believe she gave me the 1st oxy out of love and I don't blame her for my addiction yet the fact is that she was always an addict and although I can't place the blame on anyone but myself because it sure wasn't shoved down my throat, a part of me will always wonder if she just wanted to see me "fall". I guess I'm telling you this, Invisible Helper because I know what it's like to have a family in which you feel all alone but just know that you, yourself are not "all alone" within feeling as though you are. I feel the exact same and I'm sure that many people on here do also.

Although cruel to the maximum though I have a feeling that your parents THOUGHT they were giving you what my parents used to call "tough love", not realizing perhaps that by doing that to you it wouldn't "fix you"

When you say you have "the Internet", are you meaning like Facebook? If so, that's even great. Don't desert your friends as I did (unless of course they will want you to use more).:::mine didn't and that's why I stopped going on there. I felt "fake". Like when I would say I was "feeling optimistic" and then write about my illness but that I was going to keep fighting. By doing what? Snorting pills? And now I'm at the point that I'd almost feel embarrassed to go back on there. "Hey everyone! It's been 2 months or so and sorry for the millionth time that I ignored all of your kind texts, private messages and wall posts but the fact is that I'm an addict. Sorry you all thought I was a strong person because I'm not.".....of course I would never do that but I just wish I could say SOMETHING, anything because although I don't get an alert for anything on here, I do get alerts and can partially see what people wrote on there and it does make me feel like a horrible and terrible person and I'm truly not. As for texts? I always say I got a new # and most of the time have. How pathetic is that??

Here though, I can be me. All one million word writing about my addiction and the terrible parts of my life "me" and so can you, Invisible Helper. Use this thread whenever you want to get out your thoughts or feelings...vent away on it (like I do)....if you use then you use. You're not going to be judged. Please just know that you're never alone.
Much love,
Bern

P.S.--here's to another day of me feeling like pure shit (yet not to the degree I would usually be) myself yet I AM trying so hard but am too afraid to just stop everything which is why I got a few more methadone (3 to be exact and was told I probably can't get anymore for a week in which I know I won't "last"....I'm so scared myself right now):(
 
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Captain.Heroin said:
I was really moved by your story bernc1, I hope you are doing well today <3
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Thank you for taking the time to read it<3. I do realize that it's a lot to write yet I feel like we can't fully seek out opinions or help if all is not known.

Anyway, alls I can say is that I am (for once) taking all steps I possibly can this time around. I even made an "emergency" psychiatry appointment yesterday after a hellish day (in which I didn't like where my thoughts were taking me) on Sunday. I didn't even want to "talk" on here....real shocker, right:)?

I know it's not "the answer" but my dose of Xanax was raised for the time from my usual prescribed dose of 3 mgs per day up to 4 per day.....yet one thing I can say about this issue is that even though I was initially prescribed 3 mgs back in February of 2009...my dose has never increased and I've actually lowered it per choice on many occasions throughout the years with no problems...partially because I never felt it to be my doc but rather just a medication that prevented my severe panic attacks). He also prescribed another medication called Lamictal which I've had yet to try since I know little about it and since I've never even heard of it I would like to do a bit more research on it.

I'm not going to give up though, as crappy as I feel because the pain I have daily doesn't compete AT ALL with the pain of wds. So with all that said, I'm definitely no where near "me", nor am I near the "me" I want to be again but I am still trying and don't plan to stop or give up yet I won't lie and say I'm also not afraid.

I also wanted to say that I was on the phone (once again) nearly all morning yesterday and nearly all suboxone doctors in my area are psychiatrists who do not accept any insurance whatsoever and the suboxone I would be prescribed would not be covered under my insurance either. Which would be a bit hard for me financially since I'm already struggling.

Anyway, I congratulate you again for reaching your one year milestone recently:). It's funny, we need not personally know anyone on here to feel such great happiness when they've achieved their goal:). I'll never forget you as being one of my very 1st posters many months ago when I began a thread and then also welcoming me right back after I stopped coming on here for a bit (something I'll never do again as to me this site is a life Godsent).


Lastly, I've "met" quite a few on here who I feel are such inspirations to me and you, my friend, are an extreme example of one of them<3. Much love to you<3
 
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Bernc1 I am really getting into the story. You remind me of me when I was 28 and just starting to try to figure out this "not using thing".

Psychward and inpatient was the way I went....however I tried fast sub taper, methadone taper, methadone maintenence, sub maintainence, and good old NA. Whatever fit you find, I hope it works.

I am in your corner.
 
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