Clean 7 days off percs, relapsed once, back on track, here's my theory. Any thoughts?

[FirstTime123]

It was that damn tennis match in my head all day yesterday (7th day clean from year long habit) and after reading on this forum for hours about what "might happen" if I just did that one dose after 7 days clean and I gave in but I guess what happened wasn't really what I expected. Not that I recommend that anyone does it and caves like me because we all know the "right" decision is to stay off and deal with the cravings, it didn't affect me too bad.

After a habit of about 120mg perc a day for a year I very rapidly tapered over the course of about 2 weeks then quit all together....for 7 days. I was over the physical WDs(with the exception of the runs of coarse) but the fatigue and really bad cravings that we all know too well got the better of me so I did 45 MG over about 6 hours and although I didn't necessarily get that high (guess my tolerance was still dropping) it definitely took the cravings away and I was able to be there for my daughters sweet 16 birthday party ( I'm always there for her regardless physically but I'm talking mentally here). After a little guilt I got over it cause hey "relapse is just a part of the process" right? I didn't know how I was going to feel when I woke up but when I did wake up it definitely did NOT start me all over back to square one thank God.. it feels as if it maybe sort of kinda in a strange and twisted way "help" for a couple reasons; first off, no I didn't get ANY physical withdrawals back (so far) and it actually eliminated my cravings tremendously(probably cause this is only the next day but seriously it's like night and day.

So here I am this morning after my small one day relapse and I feel like maybe, just maybe it helped more than it hurt and here's my theory as to why... now we all get that everyone body and chemistry reacts differently but the way it feels to me (please criticize and correct me if this is impossible or something I'm no expert just an amateur opiate addict (a year and a half total addict from age 25 to almost 27 now). After my first addiction lasted 6 months I quit cold turkey went through hell for a week, lasted about 65 days no relapse then back on the percs for the next year and so this last year binge came to an end with a taper rather than CT and that's definitely the best way to go (if u have that self control, I guess it's a lot harder for some than others to control ur daily intake and taper). Based on actual experience what I think happened is this; I tapered very rapidly from 120mg down to 90 then to 60 then 30 then nothing. This taper took me about 2 weeks. When I quit I went through the physical WD for about 5 days but not nearly as bad as if I just CT. By day 7 I'm pretty sure it was the PAWS starting to get my mind racing about doing a dose with all the fatigue, malaise and having my daughters birthday party I caved and did 3, 15mg percs over 6 hours so 45MG total that day.

Sorry for the elongated detail (I probably said the same stuff a few times but forgive me I just want to make sure everyone's clear on my specific situation). There's a million threads about people asking what happens if I just did X amount after X days clean and I read damn near all of them before deciding to just get it over with and do it for myself to see... my theory based on how I feel so far is that I went 7 days with 0 opiates whatsoever, my physical WDs were over and figure with the half life of percocet, it was all out of my system... well when we're going through the PAWS phase (which is what really gets me and I'm sure most of us) it's because our brains are still conforming to producing it's own endorphins again and all the other important chemicals we need to get back to "normal" right? Well here's my punch line point; what if since my "physical dependance" was over so my brain after 7 days says "ok he's not giving me any more oxy so we gotta start production again and reopen the factory but with the paws phase that's a very hard task for your brain and central nervous system to do all on its own and adapt so it takes a while, hence all the "different ways to help your brain Kickstart again through paws" threads.

What I feel happened and please again I'm NOT recommending this to anyone I just wanna get some thoughts, is that maybe that dose just helped my brain "get all the chemicals flowing again and reset production of said chemicals." Since I'm not technically physically dependant anymore and we're just talking about ONE day relapse NOT two or more, is it possible my brain was Kickstarted by that ONE dose and it WASN'T enough to have my brain shut production back down again and say "oh well hey he's giving me the artificial endorphins no need for me to start making them again." I know this might just be wishful thinking and all together just wrong but that's why I'm posting this experience. Maybe (even if the odds are slim to none) that dose helped Kickstart my natural brain chemistry WITHOUT getting my brain physically dependant and shut back down again on natural endorphin production? Like a "Jumpstart" for my brain but since physical dependance is gone my brain "stayed on" If any of this isn't making sense please tell me and I'll try to explain more but any thoughts on this anyone? Dangerous game I know but for educational purposes what do u guys think about this theory? Oh, and as to how I'm feeling? Well that's why I started this thread and theory in the first place. I feel more normal, natural and just all around feel better than I have even when on the percs. Almost like how I felt after over 2 months clean last time, no physical WDs and as of now, absolutely no paws symptoms or cravings. I expect some harsh criticism and also posts about "ya u might feel fine now but ur theory is physically impossible so....ya get back with us in another day or two." Which I will keep this thread updated daily. Thanks everyone for reading my long ass post.

 

[LennonliGht]

I'd say just be careful not to use this as an excuse to use again as just "one day". It is a slippery slope and as much as I know other people say it over and over again, it's just true. I have thought very similar to you, and honestly I still slip up sometimes but then I remember how bad withdrawal is and I stop. It would be best to not even slip up at all though because it will only take one time to start the cycle. If you slip up, then something bad happens or stress comes, so you slip up again and it keeps going. I'm not saying it'll happen but the risk is bad.

 

[Erikmen]

^ Indeed.

Relapses are pretty much like that. With time we learn to understand how it works and how it happens so we can prevent it from happening again. I relapsed many times before I finally managed to stay clean for a greater time, almost 7 months now.

Craving comes and goes no matter if you have been sober for a week, or for months. Years, although it tends to decrease with time.

You have to be patient and develop ways to deal with it. I came to understand that craving itself does not last for so long. Make a compromise to stay sober for one hour, and keep postponing until you make it through the day. You'll soon be an expert in dealing with that.

It's entirely up to you. Some people eat chocolate, others call their sponsor, you'll find a way.
If it really bothers you, go out - exercise, call someone, post in BL like you did or go to a meeting. Keep yourself busy by all means.

Pay attention to the signs. The small things that may trigger your use. For now it's no big deal. You've stopped and by doing so you know that it's possible. Start over, try to get some help from a closer friend, family. Medical assistance. Whatever suits you.

Good luck!!

 

[FirstTime123]

Thanks. I might not have many posts but that's only because I do so much more reading than posting on this site. Always got support here, I'm happy to say though that the difference is I actually want to quit, I'm over and done with all of it and I'm just sick of it really. So with that said, I guess it makes it easier for me (this time) to not cave back into addiction. I did cave and do one dose for one day but don't crave any more and will try to use ur advice to force myself to not do any more "one day" binges lol. Do u guys think that one day dose yesterday will come back to haunt me in a day or two? Cause today I feel great. If that one dose was to set me back wouldn't I feel it today? Or is it still in my system.. can't tell cause I was only 7 days clean so I thought if it was to set me back I would feel it today..

 

[FirstTime123]

Ok so if anyone reads this, today is my second day after my one relapse. So to summarize; I was totally clean off any opiates didn't even take a weak ass vicadin. My 7th day was sunday, on Sunday I caved and did about a quarter dose of what I usually would've done before I quit and I thought it might or might not affect me as far as setting me backwards. Monday (first day after small relapse) I felt totally fine and normal all day and did NOT do ANYTHING all day. Today is Tuesday (day 2 after small relapse) and still I feel great, no physical WDs at all but more importantly for me, no PAWS. just keeping posted for whoever reads this. I still Don't wanna jump the gun on this but I can honestly say I feel as if that small relapse on my 7th day did NOT set me back at all and may have actually helped with the cravings and paws cause I have no cravings fatigue or depression... so far. Again, not tryna jump the gun but I will post again tomorrow to see how I feel. Not including that one day relapse on day 7 this would make it day 9 for me. Hopefully I'm out of the woods or maybe paws might come suddenly tomorrow, a week, or even a month from now. But for now, so far so good. Thanks guys.

 

[placid space]

It didnt set you back. IMO the absolutes,at least at the beginnings of getting sober, can be BS. Only added pressure and fear of never tasting it again. Taking a tiny bit to take the edge of, if youre starting to lose it, might be the best thing to do sometimes. People too often go all or nothing and then the frustration and cravings just spill over and they relapse and go on a hard binge. When they couldve taken a small amount to relax. BUT (duh) you need to have the mental objectivity that this amount is only that and nothing else. To be honest with yourself and not "take the edge" of more than once a/(a certain period of time clean).
So dont worry. Might have saved you a true relapse. But just keep in mind that now you need to be sober twice as long before you even consider a tiny amount again if at all.

 

[Carl Landrover]

You're 27 with a 16 year old daughter?

 

[FirstTime123]

I don't have any kids sorry I'm using my new note 5 I'm her God father, it was supposed to say God daughter. My first cousin's youngest daughter (he's 44 years old). But anyways, for today's update I'm going to just say I agree with placid space's post. I feel really good and I'm actually glad I did that small Sunday relapse. Even though I was already getting 6 to 8 hours of sleep the couple nights before the relapse(yes,REM included, I did dream), it didn't feel like I was actually getting any sleep cause I'd be so tired the next day (I know it's a part of the process and takes time). Sunday, the night of the relapse gave me the best sleep I've had in months even while I was on them. I didn't jump the gun I figured it was cause I relapsed but hey even Monday and Tuesday I felt the same when I woke up. Full of energy and feels like I gave my body good rest. So today is day 3 after relapse and I honestly feel like I'm over it physically and mentally. Again, maybe in the future near or far I might experience some paws but for now I feel like Placid Space was right by saying I might have prevented a much larger and longer binge.