Kris Kristofferson
Bluelighter
Hey Bluelight,
It's been a while. I've been in and out of drugs and in and out of life many times over the last few years.
Currently I find myself in another time-warp. It's one of those times that basically I do nothing for 6 months. Drug-wise I had an intense bout with GBL and cocaine as well as about a year of suboxone. This time last year I lost my job, car and apartment all in a period of about two weeks and, needless to say, I kind of lost my shit. Before long I found myself stealing thousands of dollars from my family and living from one hotel to another (not cheap ones either), partying to no end and burning bridges all around.
Finally, after about 4-5 months of this, my family had had enough and was ready to cut me off completely, so I decided to drop the suboxone and attempt to sober up on my own. By this point I had a stable place to stay and I basically put myself on lockdown, ignoring the few friends I had left, avoiding social situations at all costs and watching youtube endlessly. I found myself attached and obsessed with conspiracy videos/occupy/anon and, to mitigate subs withdrawal, using massive amounts of nitrous. Suddenly, without the money to go out and party in night clubs and with the constant isolation/insanity that is nitrous addiction, paranoia set in. I went into a semi-psychotic state that included delusions of persecution, magical thinking, etc. This last for quite a while and was traumatic, to say the least. I've been there before (although it was several years ago), and this was like a confirmation of past beliefs that I had already abandoned. The messages were similar but updated, following me through all my memories of success, failure, hurting/being hurt, adequacy/inadequacy and everything else that I thought was private, hidden and otherwise personal. That was the most difficult aspect of the experience - the inability to hide from my past. And I did try to hide. I locked myself up for about three months and tried to "sweat it out" so to speak. This didn't work.
Somewhere in there I started going to therapy and eventually AA. I was sober for 5 months before and it was one of the better experiences in my life - I was able to work finally and even started going back to school and did very well. But that was 1.5 years ago now and my experience has been completely different now. I am 27 and I feel that I need to get back into school, get a 9-5 to pay back my parents, get a girlfriend, work out, do all these awesome things that I have felt I need to do forever... but meanwhile I can barely get myself to do laundry, go food shopping, even get up at a decent hour. I often find myself "meditating" well into the day, listening to Eckhart Tolle or binaural beats or other "spiritual" youtube videos while in bed. And this helps somewhat. Mostly its cycle of avoidance and isolation, because again, I really like to escape my life situation. Whenever I feel like moving forward with some positive plan of action, I hear the voices of all these phantoms from my past, people I used to know - cackling voices of hyenas and haters who want me to fail miserably again and fall on my face.
And perhaps this is all an illusion, I am aware of that. I have lied in the past and created a false identity and I am terrified of pursuing anything that would betray this, although truly I am already exposed. That's the most challenging aspect of the whole thing - the exposure. I feel that I need to pursue something of, for and about myself, but this is humiliating for some reason.
Anyway, this is such a ramble post already. The past is a big jumble and I tend to lose my message fairly easily. I am 64 days sober. I am taking SSRI's, a bit of Adderal and Intuniv and they seem to be working. I've been on a few job interviews (the ones I can get to without access to a car) and they have gone relatively well. I've met some decent people in AA who I like and have some new friendships. I even have some crushes that look like they may work out, which feels AMAZING. Things are not that bad. My family is supporting me financially so there is no emergency about the job situation, and while this is kind of humiliating at the age of 27, it is a god-send because I would probably be on the street otherwise.
I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of support or identification, and from what I've read on TDS, this is the place for that. Do any of you have experiences of ambivalence towards life? Do you find yourself running around in a circle of addiction/recovery or mental illness/recovery? I find myself vacillating between caring way too much about my life situation to not caring at all. Caring infinitely about what other people think (paranoia) to being completely uninterested in my effect on others (sociopathy), and meanwhile, there's drugs, fake friendships, music, possessions are gained, flaunted, lost and mourned. Personality embraced, then lost and recreated; values adopted then destroyed and mourned. A circular life. Who else is on the hamster wheel? I'm sure we all feel alone on it.
It's been a while. I've been in and out of drugs and in and out of life many times over the last few years.
Currently I find myself in another time-warp. It's one of those times that basically I do nothing for 6 months. Drug-wise I had an intense bout with GBL and cocaine as well as about a year of suboxone. This time last year I lost my job, car and apartment all in a period of about two weeks and, needless to say, I kind of lost my shit. Before long I found myself stealing thousands of dollars from my family and living from one hotel to another (not cheap ones either), partying to no end and burning bridges all around.
Finally, after about 4-5 months of this, my family had had enough and was ready to cut me off completely, so I decided to drop the suboxone and attempt to sober up on my own. By this point I had a stable place to stay and I basically put myself on lockdown, ignoring the few friends I had left, avoiding social situations at all costs and watching youtube endlessly. I found myself attached and obsessed with conspiracy videos/occupy/anon and, to mitigate subs withdrawal, using massive amounts of nitrous. Suddenly, without the money to go out and party in night clubs and with the constant isolation/insanity that is nitrous addiction, paranoia set in. I went into a semi-psychotic state that included delusions of persecution, magical thinking, etc. This last for quite a while and was traumatic, to say the least. I've been there before (although it was several years ago), and this was like a confirmation of past beliefs that I had already abandoned. The messages were similar but updated, following me through all my memories of success, failure, hurting/being hurt, adequacy/inadequacy and everything else that I thought was private, hidden and otherwise personal. That was the most difficult aspect of the experience - the inability to hide from my past. And I did try to hide. I locked myself up for about three months and tried to "sweat it out" so to speak. This didn't work.
Somewhere in there I started going to therapy and eventually AA. I was sober for 5 months before and it was one of the better experiences in my life - I was able to work finally and even started going back to school and did very well. But that was 1.5 years ago now and my experience has been completely different now. I am 27 and I feel that I need to get back into school, get a 9-5 to pay back my parents, get a girlfriend, work out, do all these awesome things that I have felt I need to do forever... but meanwhile I can barely get myself to do laundry, go food shopping, even get up at a decent hour. I often find myself "meditating" well into the day, listening to Eckhart Tolle or binaural beats or other "spiritual" youtube videos while in bed. And this helps somewhat. Mostly its cycle of avoidance and isolation, because again, I really like to escape my life situation. Whenever I feel like moving forward with some positive plan of action, I hear the voices of all these phantoms from my past, people I used to know - cackling voices of hyenas and haters who want me to fail miserably again and fall on my face.
And perhaps this is all an illusion, I am aware of that. I have lied in the past and created a false identity and I am terrified of pursuing anything that would betray this, although truly I am already exposed. That's the most challenging aspect of the whole thing - the exposure. I feel that I need to pursue something of, for and about myself, but this is humiliating for some reason.
Anyway, this is such a ramble post already. The past is a big jumble and I tend to lose my message fairly easily. I am 64 days sober. I am taking SSRI's, a bit of Adderal and Intuniv and they seem to be working. I've been on a few job interviews (the ones I can get to without access to a car) and they have gone relatively well. I've met some decent people in AA who I like and have some new friendships. I even have some crushes that look like they may work out, which feels AMAZING. Things are not that bad. My family is supporting me financially so there is no emergency about the job situation, and while this is kind of humiliating at the age of 27, it is a god-send because I would probably be on the street otherwise.
I guess what I'm looking for is some kind of support or identification, and from what I've read on TDS, this is the place for that. Do any of you have experiences of ambivalence towards life? Do you find yourself running around in a circle of addiction/recovery or mental illness/recovery? I find myself vacillating between caring way too much about my life situation to not caring at all. Caring infinitely about what other people think (paranoia) to being completely uninterested in my effect on others (sociopathy), and meanwhile, there's drugs, fake friendships, music, possessions are gained, flaunted, lost and mourned. Personality embraced, then lost and recreated; values adopted then destroyed and mourned. A circular life. Who else is on the hamster wheel? I'm sure we all feel alone on it.
).