need_a_change
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 22, 2014
- Messages
- 3
Hello everyone. Hopefully this long post doesn't put you to sleep but I've been going through a lot this past year and I figured it'd be cathartic and more real to me if I wrote it out. Also, I'm sure some other people out there on this forum are going through or have gone through the same thing...
Some background... I am 30 years old and have pretty bad back problems that were officially diagnosed when I was 21. I've already gone through one operation, been through physical therapy and a zillion types of treatments. I have an addictive personality and used and abused drugs since I was about 14 years old. Always hated opiates... until I was 21 and prescribed hydro for my back. Hydro turned into oxy and that turned into using and abusing my script from 21-24. In the span of 3 years I think there were probably 4 days where I didn't have any opiates in my system. I would use my script and run out early, and supplement with whatever I could find on the street (usually more hydro, or fentanyl patches...loved those). I was constantly sourcing and stocking up to prepare for my script to run out.
Anyway something clicked when I was 24 (script ran out, nothing on the street, horrible withdrawal) and I found a great doctor who got me on Suboxone. I was coming off an 80-100mg/day oxy habit. Instead of detoxing using a rapid Suboxone taper I went for the Suboxone maintenance, using a really low dose of 2mg a day for about 2 years. Looking back, I should have gotten into a more comprehensive treatment program that made me face my underlying issues of why I abuse opiates. Instead I just had a doctor who'd write me a 2 month supply and I'd be out on my own.
At 26 I had a back surgery and my life changed. I was grossly overweight, out of shape, depressed and just slugging my way through life. After my recovery from the surgery I hit the gym hard, lost 60 lbs, and tapered myself off of the Suboxone over the course of 6 months. I've read so many nightmares re: suboxone tapers on here but mine was great and I experienced no withdrawal at all. I had a much needed career change and my life finally felt like it was starting to come together. Not having to take a pill every day to simply not feel sick, was an empowering feeling. I worked toward and chased what I wanted to do, was in the gym every day, and had a great girlfriend at the time... Her and I eventually split up on decent terms... but I still kept at it and had no desire to use. This continued for almost 3 years...until I had another back injury
Insurance problems kept me from treating my new back injury (2 herniated discs, different levels than my previous one that was operated on). When I finally settled that I saw a neurosurgeon for a consultation and MRIs, and he prescribed me Perc 10s. It had been almost 3 years since I even thought about Opiates, until that day. I figured "what the hell... I DO need them, and it's been almost 3 years... I can be responsible with them"... boy was I wrong. Started off pretty slow but my tolerance easily kicked back in and I was plowing through the scripts he gave me. Running through a month's script in 5-7 days.
So basically for the last year I have been doing this little dance; going to my pain management doctor, getting a script and just banging it out in a few days...then remaining "clean" for the rest of the month. Sometimes some intense cravings kick in, in-between my binges, and I'll cop some Roxys on the street. My tolerance is at an all time high, needing about 90mg of Oxy at once to "feel something".
I need to stop these binges. I'm doing this weird thing where in the beginning of the month when I get my script, I'll binge... then after everything is gone I'll live relatively healthy. Go to the gym and physical therapy every day, eat pretty decent... then towards the end of the month when I know it's time for me to go pick up my script I'll get these intense cravings. Put them at bay with some Roxis copped off the street, go get my script, and it all starts again. I've been doing this for almost a year now and I feel like I'm stuck in one of those 2 steps forward, 2 steps backward situations.
I'm coming off of a recent binge, 2 days "clean" and I feel like shit. In this past year of binging I haven't been through withdrawals, thank god, due to me spacing out my use and exercising/diet... but today I really started to "feel it". Intense depression/PAWS.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to but I know this is going to blow up soon. I know I have a choice; I could simply not go to the pain management appointments, or turn down the oxy script. It's my choice to make the appointment, go the office, and pick it up.
I was thinking of going to some Pills Anonymous meetings or something. In my "off time' from Oxys I am doing all of the things that they tell people who are getting clean to do. Exercise, eating well, sleeping well, hobbies. But when it's the end of the month and my script refill is due, all those things go out the window. It's like something clicks in my brain and I have no control.
Some background... I am 30 years old and have pretty bad back problems that were officially diagnosed when I was 21. I've already gone through one operation, been through physical therapy and a zillion types of treatments. I have an addictive personality and used and abused drugs since I was about 14 years old. Always hated opiates... until I was 21 and prescribed hydro for my back. Hydro turned into oxy and that turned into using and abusing my script from 21-24. In the span of 3 years I think there were probably 4 days where I didn't have any opiates in my system. I would use my script and run out early, and supplement with whatever I could find on the street (usually more hydro, or fentanyl patches...loved those). I was constantly sourcing and stocking up to prepare for my script to run out.
Anyway something clicked when I was 24 (script ran out, nothing on the street, horrible withdrawal) and I found a great doctor who got me on Suboxone. I was coming off an 80-100mg/day oxy habit. Instead of detoxing using a rapid Suboxone taper I went for the Suboxone maintenance, using a really low dose of 2mg a day for about 2 years. Looking back, I should have gotten into a more comprehensive treatment program that made me face my underlying issues of why I abuse opiates. Instead I just had a doctor who'd write me a 2 month supply and I'd be out on my own.
At 26 I had a back surgery and my life changed. I was grossly overweight, out of shape, depressed and just slugging my way through life. After my recovery from the surgery I hit the gym hard, lost 60 lbs, and tapered myself off of the Suboxone over the course of 6 months. I've read so many nightmares re: suboxone tapers on here but mine was great and I experienced no withdrawal at all. I had a much needed career change and my life finally felt like it was starting to come together. Not having to take a pill every day to simply not feel sick, was an empowering feeling. I worked toward and chased what I wanted to do, was in the gym every day, and had a great girlfriend at the time... Her and I eventually split up on decent terms... but I still kept at it and had no desire to use. This continued for almost 3 years...until I had another back injury
Insurance problems kept me from treating my new back injury (2 herniated discs, different levels than my previous one that was operated on). When I finally settled that I saw a neurosurgeon for a consultation and MRIs, and he prescribed me Perc 10s. It had been almost 3 years since I even thought about Opiates, until that day. I figured "what the hell... I DO need them, and it's been almost 3 years... I can be responsible with them"... boy was I wrong. Started off pretty slow but my tolerance easily kicked back in and I was plowing through the scripts he gave me. Running through a month's script in 5-7 days.
So basically for the last year I have been doing this little dance; going to my pain management doctor, getting a script and just banging it out in a few days...then remaining "clean" for the rest of the month. Sometimes some intense cravings kick in, in-between my binges, and I'll cop some Roxys on the street. My tolerance is at an all time high, needing about 90mg of Oxy at once to "feel something".
I need to stop these binges. I'm doing this weird thing where in the beginning of the month when I get my script, I'll binge... then after everything is gone I'll live relatively healthy. Go to the gym and physical therapy every day, eat pretty decent... then towards the end of the month when I know it's time for me to go pick up my script I'll get these intense cravings. Put them at bay with some Roxis copped off the street, go get my script, and it all starts again. I've been doing this for almost a year now and I feel like I'm stuck in one of those 2 steps forward, 2 steps backward situations.
I'm coming off of a recent binge, 2 days "clean" and I feel like shit. In this past year of binging I haven't been through withdrawals, thank god, due to me spacing out my use and exercising/diet... but today I really started to "feel it". Intense depression/PAWS.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to but I know this is going to blow up soon. I know I have a choice; I could simply not go to the pain management appointments, or turn down the oxy script. It's my choice to make the appointment, go the office, and pick it up.
I was thinking of going to some Pills Anonymous meetings or something. In my "off time' from Oxys I am doing all of the things that they tell people who are getting clean to do. Exercise, eating well, sleeping well, hobbies. But when it's the end of the month and my script refill is due, all those things go out the window. It's like something clicks in my brain and I have no control.
