Christmas Day

I don't know why every year I am excited for Christmas.....I do the same thing for my birthday, Valentines Day, and just about every holiday- I can't wait, its something to look forward to- and then it comes and I am taken back down to the reality of my life- there is no special thing about this day......I did celebrate Winter when we rolled over into it from Fall adn that was far more special to me, than today is. I guess it is the expectations- I set this high level of what I hope for a day....not particulars, just a thought that the day will be filled with magic somehow.....it only depresses me-
And this year I am thinking about my besfriend who is right now with her grandmother and 2 aunts grieving in Louisiana for her mother. On Christmas Day she is sitting there with a feeling I can't even imagine- that disconnect. I think losing your parents must feel like your last deep connection to all things childhood and a deep part of yourself is cut off- Like an invisible umbilical cord you carry that ties you to your parents, both, until their passing- the cord is then cut and you are lefft feeling empty. I don't want this for my friend. The last few years of her life have been harder than I could imagine.....She lost her father 18 mos. ago and now her mother......
Distant from that deep seated pain- is my own- my feelings of loss for her mother......I imagine her face, her smile, her voice, her mannerisms- her inability to be a mother to my friend yet be so nurturing and lving......her fierceness- her kindness.....I am thinking today of her sisters and mother- And how painful today must be for them.

A couple years ago another friend from my childhood died on Christmas eve-- I was thinking of her yesterday too.......
I hoped this Christmas would be filled with love, happiness and appreciation- and the love is there- I love my family, I love my friend. I appreciate even more with that cloud of death hanging over me- life. Being given a chance to experience it and being grateful for my time here- but happiness has faded a bit........Christmas disappoints, yet again.

 

I read about your friend, D - I'm so sorry to hear of her loss. Losing a parent really is the kind of loss that never goes away though the pain does lessen with time.

I find that not getting my hopes too high on a holiday tends to lessen the impact. My life has an uncanny knack to throw bad things my way around holidays, so every holiday that nothing catastrophic happens is always a victory.

Hope it gets better from here honey I'm trying to get up to see you - we shall see what next week brings

 

^That would be WAY TOO AWESOME.

 

That's something that I really dislike about this time of year: the expectations. People expect so much, and anything less than sublime perfect joy is a disappointment. I've learned to deal well enough with xmas, but for me it's New Years which is a baffling ordeal. It's essentially equivalent to watching a car's odometer turn over-- entirely arbitrary and devoid of any real meaning outside of a very brief moment-- yet people seem to make such a huge deal out of it. At most, it's an excuse to party, but I really dislike the expectation to party. Turns it into work.

But then again, I've nearly always had trouble with 'Special' days in general.

 

YYeah.........
The thing about New Yeasrs that I like is that it is mostly just a symbol type of thing.....Its a clean slate, a new beginning- and alot of times- after a hard year- you look forward to that number change- it means the new start
(even though it REALLY doesn't change anything- it is the idea behind it I guess)