Christmas Blues...

[ish675]

I was clean off of morphine for 13 days. About 15 minutes ago I relapsed, not enough to get high, just a mild warm morphine hug. I just couldn't do it anymore, everyone always seems so happy around Christmas time, but for the past 2 weeks all I have wanted to do was die. I feel like I'm such an outcast, I see people walking around, shopping, and having a good time with their family. Without going on a rant I will say that I do not get along with my family. I still don't have many friends, and definitely don't have a girlfriend. I just want to have one normal Christmas, At least I won't feel like shit today. I still live with my parents and they make a BUNCH of money, they always buy nice shit for the family, neighbors, and coworkers. Every year they say its a "small Christmas" I guess a new mac-book that cost more than my car and a top of the line Ipad is a "small" holiday. I always get shit I don't want or need. I need gas and food, not another shirt. It's not that I want stuff, I just wonder how you can say you really care about someone and not even try and offer some help. I would be happy with nothing for Christmas, but not when I get another hat and the neighbors kid gets a 50$ WaWa gas card from MY PARENTS! I would be ecstatic to get $50. Enough about that, as I type this I'm getting more and more pissed at myself for taking that morphine. I know some of the depression is coming from the withdrawal but I wasn't exactly in a great mental place when I was using either. (my old posts make that pretty obvious). I wonder if I should just give up and try to maintain at a low dose, so I don't feel like crap. I'm thinking about going for a hike this afternoon, I love the cold and being outside always makes me feel better. I wish my yellow lab Caroline was still alive, I loved going for hikes with her because she was the only thing that loved me unconditionally. She was born in front of me when I was 1 and I had her till I was 19. ( I know everyone here loves pets so I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about) I just needed to get that off my chest, well, I'm going to make some eggs. I hope everyone here has a better holiday than mine. <-- It's the fake smile I wear everyday.

 

[motherofearth]

I'm sorry you don't have your friend to go hiking w/ today. Maybe you can go out and follow a trail you used to w/ her and honor her that way. It's rough when you feel like you can't relate to anyone during the holidays, since these are the times when familial and social bonds are repeatedly shoved in your face. I'm hanging out w/ my dog right now, and just having him around always brings my mood up at least a notch.

It sounds like you don't need gifts from your parents to feel happy, as your post indicates you enjoy animals and nature. Perhaps you can make a tradition during Christmas of getting away from all of the irritants and discovering things through nature, accompanied by some solitude (shit, I'm starting to sound like a hippie in my older age here ).

Don't get discouraged about using again after 13 days. Focus on the fact you were able to stop for that long - that is quite impressive. It's also an indication you have what it takes to stop indefinitely if that is your desire. I know it is hard for a while, even after 13 days clean, but it does get better. It has to be bad before it gets good when you leave opiates. The more you try to accommodate even a lower dose in your life the harder it will be to truly leave it behind.

You can make this year the deciding one where you change and celebrate an opiate-free Xmas next year

 

[sickofthisshiz]

Hang in there ...just try to focus on the things you do have. Keep up the good work, thirteen days is impressive keep trying and you will get there!

 

[hthr007]

The holidays are tough for a lot of people - myself included. Everything is so fake and superficial. I can't stand how people are only nice to each other for 1 day out of the year. What matters to me is strong bonds and good, solid relationships.

I'm spending this holiday alone with my 3 cats. Right now I'm laying in bed with some hot chocolate & 2 of my kitties are fast asleep on me. I can completely understand what you're saying about your dog, trust me. When I had to put my dog down a couple years ago I was an emotional wreck. I always talked to her, spent time with her, etc. She was the only one who "understood" me. It may sound odd, but it's the truth. MOE had a great suggestion - going on trails you used to hike with her in remembrance of her. I love being alone in nature - it helps ease my mind and just relax. Last Christmas I was also alone so I went down to the beaches and just sat there alone. I bundled up and it was so enjoyable and serene. There were a surprising number of other people alone there also.

Holidays and being alone can trigger drug use in lots of people. I used today. Don't dwell on the fact that you used, dwell on the fact that you were clean. You have the ability and the willpower to go to that place again, I promise.