havent failed a Suboxone drug test in close to a year now; not because I havent used but because I've been able to control my using and I've used much less than I have in years and years. I went close to 9 months "clean" time with a few slips a month. I say a few slips a month because to me that is clean after being a junkie who used daily for years and years.
I had a good during those 9 months; had a great GF, spent the money on going on vaca's with her, doing great things, etc. again, I may have used once or twice a month but thats nothing compared to being the every day user I once was. so all seemed too good to be true before finding out I have to go through a chemotherapy treatment much sooner than expected due to the tumor growing back a bit faster than expected. so I used that as an excuse to break up w/ the GF, start to slip up more and more, and go through hell as I start my 2nd round of chemo and its a much more harsh round of chemo than what I did my first time. this is for those w/ stage 3 rather than stage 2, and its knocking me on my ass. so rather than take all serious and make sure my health is best it possibly can be.. what am I doing instead? well, I broke up w/ the girl who was by my side, knew all my stories, and would have helped anyway she possibly could have. I went back to shooting dope almost daily (only reason I dont is because I dont have the money I once did because I do not work full time because of the chemo) and just watching my life sink infront of me; some of it due to the chemo because it completely drains me; I am just burnt out 24/7 it feels. I am not sure if its depression or the chemo at this point.
I always try to stay positive w/ this chemo/brain tumor shit; I dont want my family to see its getting to me and I am thinking negative, because I am not. but part of the reason I am not is because I am using drugs HARD again; shooting through a gram of fent within 4 hours and taking a xanny bar with it just to keep "chill" for the night. after all, its something to do on a Monday night, right? you act like there are better things to do. I dont know, man. I am waiting and hoping my SSI comes in soon so I do not have to worry about money so much; working is a killer for me, esp. since its absestos work I do and its actual manual labor considering the condition I am in right now but I must continue to work till the SSI/disability come through for the time being. I will be on this chemo for the next 6 months and I am fucking DRAINED already and its only the 4th week into the first cycle; down 6lbs already. whats funny is my SUBOXONE DR. told me I should try and eat like SHIT so keep my weight; however, my ACTUAL DR. told me to eat healthy because the food plays a cause in all of this. because I have to talk to my Suboxone Dr. for obvious reasons, its funny to hear him talk about the brain tumor/chemo vs. my actual Dr. who I go through this with; it goes to show how OFF this dude is but yet somehow thinks he knows a thing or two. you gotta realize, just because both are Dr's does NOT mean they know the same thing; its like being in the Union and one is an Electrician and the other does Asbestos; 2 Union jobs and we both have our cards but they are far from being the same and they may know a thing or two but stick w/ the Dr. who actually knows it ALL, not just a thing or two.
so I used tonight; shot a G in 4 hours. it was pure white; Fent as usual. however, I took a Suboxone around 9AM today and started to shooting tonight around 8PM: I still get "off" even w/ such a small wait time; ill even take Suboxone tomorrow morning at 9AM and be fine. Suboxone has never bothered me when it comes to timing. I never had problems taking too early, too late, etc. the other day I could only afford a half G and blew through that QUICK; so lets say I finished around 4PM; by 7PM I started to feel "sick" but I was thinking actual sickness, like a temperature, shakes, etc. so I took an Advil and my other pills I take for chemo but nothing changed. finally I started to think maybe early WD; so I took a full 8MG Suboxone and within 20 minutes I was fine. I was shocked the WD came on so soon and was able to take the Suboxone so soon w/ no problems.. but like I said, I never had no problems and always have Suboxone in my system so never have a problem putting more and more back into my system.
I dont know, but I've been truly BEAT THE FUCK UP LATELY; I just cant get off the couch. no motivation to do a damn thing. I am 153lbs (was 170 2 months ago) and I feel like I weigh 5000lbs. I finally shaved tonight (while dope'd up, of course) for the first time in weeks. I have been barely showering, cleaning house, taking care of myself and other things in life because I am in a stage of depression I guess. chemo is kicking my ass and even w/ me turning to drugs its only "helping" for a few hours after my last shot before going back to that miserable stage.
I dont know, its hard to find another junkie w/ a stage 2/3 brain tumor to relate to, so I dont know if its just me or its just part of the disease/treatment all together. but I can tell you this, I went to Venice Beach first week in Feb. and felt GREAT, even coming back. started the chemo about a week and a half later and have been fucking drained SINCE! fucking DRAINED GUYS, you have no idea. I have nothing in me. my appetite is OK right now because my 4th week is me recovering from the early part of the cycle (they are 6wk cycles for 6 months) but overall I still am just drained, man. hard time getting up, hard time staying out, hard time doing all.
who knows, but I am sure ill be OK. I just need to smarten up w/ this dope and get myself back on track.
I had a good during those 9 months; had a great GF, spent the money on going on vaca's with her, doing great things, etc. again, I may have used once or twice a month but thats nothing compared to being the every day user I once was. so all seemed too good to be true before finding out I have to go through a chemotherapy treatment much sooner than expected due to the tumor growing back a bit faster than expected. so I used that as an excuse to break up w/ the GF, start to slip up more and more, and go through hell as I start my 2nd round of chemo and its a much more harsh round of chemo than what I did my first time. this is for those w/ stage 3 rather than stage 2, and its knocking me on my ass. so rather than take all serious and make sure my health is best it possibly can be.. what am I doing instead? well, I broke up w/ the girl who was by my side, knew all my stories, and would have helped anyway she possibly could have. I went back to shooting dope almost daily (only reason I dont is because I dont have the money I once did because I do not work full time because of the chemo) and just watching my life sink infront of me; some of it due to the chemo because it completely drains me; I am just burnt out 24/7 it feels. I am not sure if its depression or the chemo at this point.
I always try to stay positive w/ this chemo/brain tumor shit; I dont want my family to see its getting to me and I am thinking negative, because I am not. but part of the reason I am not is because I am using drugs HARD again; shooting through a gram of fent within 4 hours and taking a xanny bar with it just to keep "chill" for the night. after all, its something to do on a Monday night, right? you act like there are better things to do. I dont know, man. I am waiting and hoping my SSI comes in soon so I do not have to worry about money so much; working is a killer for me, esp. since its absestos work I do and its actual manual labor considering the condition I am in right now but I must continue to work till the SSI/disability come through for the time being. I will be on this chemo for the next 6 months and I am fucking DRAINED already and its only the 4th week into the first cycle; down 6lbs already. whats funny is my SUBOXONE DR. told me I should try and eat like SHIT so keep my weight; however, my ACTUAL DR. told me to eat healthy because the food plays a cause in all of this. because I have to talk to my Suboxone Dr. for obvious reasons, its funny to hear him talk about the brain tumor/chemo vs. my actual Dr. who I go through this with; it goes to show how OFF this dude is but yet somehow thinks he knows a thing or two. you gotta realize, just because both are Dr's does NOT mean they know the same thing; its like being in the Union and one is an Electrician and the other does Asbestos; 2 Union jobs and we both have our cards but they are far from being the same and they may know a thing or two but stick w/ the Dr. who actually knows it ALL, not just a thing or two.
so I used tonight; shot a G in 4 hours. it was pure white; Fent as usual. however, I took a Suboxone around 9AM today and started to shooting tonight around 8PM: I still get "off" even w/ such a small wait time; ill even take Suboxone tomorrow morning at 9AM and be fine. Suboxone has never bothered me when it comes to timing. I never had problems taking too early, too late, etc. the other day I could only afford a half G and blew through that QUICK; so lets say I finished around 4PM; by 7PM I started to feel "sick" but I was thinking actual sickness, like a temperature, shakes, etc. so I took an Advil and my other pills I take for chemo but nothing changed. finally I started to think maybe early WD; so I took a full 8MG Suboxone and within 20 minutes I was fine. I was shocked the WD came on so soon and was able to take the Suboxone so soon w/ no problems.. but like I said, I never had no problems and always have Suboxone in my system so never have a problem putting more and more back into my system.
I dont know, but I've been truly BEAT THE FUCK UP LATELY; I just cant get off the couch. no motivation to do a damn thing. I am 153lbs (was 170 2 months ago) and I feel like I weigh 5000lbs. I finally shaved tonight (while dope'd up, of course) for the first time in weeks. I have been barely showering, cleaning house, taking care of myself and other things in life because I am in a stage of depression I guess. chemo is kicking my ass and even w/ me turning to drugs its only "helping" for a few hours after my last shot before going back to that miserable stage.
I dont know, its hard to find another junkie w/ a stage 2/3 brain tumor to relate to, so I dont know if its just me or its just part of the disease/treatment all together. but I can tell you this, I went to Venice Beach first week in Feb. and felt GREAT, even coming back. started the chemo about a week and a half later and have been fucking drained SINCE! fucking DRAINED GUYS, you have no idea. I have nothing in me. my appetite is OK right now because my 4th week is me recovering from the early part of the cycle (they are 6wk cycles for 6 months) but overall I still am just drained, man. hard time getting up, hard time staying out, hard time doing all.
who knows, but I am sure ill be OK. I just need to smarten up w/ this dope and get myself back on track.
