So I went to the NA meeting Fri night. My friends there are not going to give up on me. I was shocked to see my sponsor there and fuck all, I know someday I'm going to have to tell her that I relapsed on more than just Tramadol. Sigh. That's what started the whole damn thing, this relapse on REAL drugs. I love the way the make me feel when I'm high, but fuck me dealing with W/D's is a bitch. I stepped on Mom's scale early yesterday and was shocked at what I saw. I'm actually down to 199 lbs, a weight that I haven't seen in a long time. If I listen to my on line friends and all the people at the dope house, in spite of my extra lbs, according to them I carry it well. I'm glad for that. I'm glad too that the self body hatred has just gone. This is how I am, so I deal.
I'd LOVE to lose more weight, but after being and fighting 240 lbs for almost 2 years, I'm grateful to be at THIS weight, although, sad to say I can't really give credit to anything but the dope. On Tues-Thurs I have to FORCE myself to nibble on small crackers I have by the bed, but other than that, I have nothing but water and grapefruit juice. I'm trying to keep my mindset on eating only small amounts once or twice a day once the meth has worn off. I'm in trouble though, fuck. I cannot afford to go on this chem roller coaster. Sigh. And if I just stop everything, then I'm stuck with W/D's.
I felt good Thursday, did well at work. I felt good Friday, but felt the fatigue finally from no meth. I came home and went to sleep for 8 hrs and woke up tired. Sigh. Here we go again with this damn chronic fatigue. I did the last tiny bit of speed I had. I knew it wasn't enough to get high, but it would be enough to take the fatigue away, which it did. Still, I felt anxious, so I took 3 painkillers with grapefruit juice. I'm off and running again, I've officially been a practicing junkie since the end of March, the night I tried taking X in a vain attempt to help me through the Tramadol W/D's.
I feel the painkillers, they put me on an even level, but this is what I mean when I say I don't want to have to juggle this chem roller coaster full time, which is what this has turned into. Someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery.
I'd LOVE to lose more weight, but after being and fighting 240 lbs for almost 2 years, I'm grateful to be at THIS weight, although, sad to say I can't really give credit to anything but the dope. On Tues-Thurs I have to FORCE myself to nibble on small crackers I have by the bed, but other than that, I have nothing but water and grapefruit juice. I'm trying to keep my mindset on eating only small amounts once or twice a day once the meth has worn off. I'm in trouble though, fuck. I cannot afford to go on this chem roller coaster. Sigh. And if I just stop everything, then I'm stuck with W/D's.
I felt good Thursday, did well at work. I felt good Friday, but felt the fatigue finally from no meth. I came home and went to sleep for 8 hrs and woke up tired. Sigh. Here we go again with this damn chronic fatigue. I did the last tiny bit of speed I had. I knew it wasn't enough to get high, but it would be enough to take the fatigue away, which it did. Still, I felt anxious, so I took 3 painkillers with grapefruit juice. I'm off and running again, I've officially been a practicing junkie since the end of March, the night I tried taking X in a vain attempt to help me through the Tramadol W/D's.
I feel the painkillers, they put me on an even level, but this is what I mean when I say I don't want to have to juggle this chem roller coaster full time, which is what this has turned into. Someone just shoot me and put me out of my misery.